Weekend Update...

Well, Friday after work I left to head up into the mountains for a lovely, peaceful evening of solitude and reflection. It was a nice drive up there, the hike was good, although there was a bit of snow in places so it took about a half hour longer than I anticipated. I still got up to my campsite (my favorite is #1, it's up a hill, very private) with plenty of daylight left. Set up my tent, made my bed, and then sat down in my chair with my book and my bottle of wine. Proceeded to get a little buzz and before I knew it I had to grab my headlamp to continue reading. All in all though, everything went as planned. I got to figure out what was going on in my head and sort through it, and here's what I figured out:

I do like kc, probably more than I should, but I do like her. I don't want it to be only sex. I can't be scared of opening myself up, if bad things come about because of it, I know that it's something I have survived before, and I can't let that timidness inhibit me from my feelings. I realized this when, as I was going to sleep my face brushed against my wool coat and it reminded me of her coat that scratches my face a little when I put my head on her neck. And I missed it. I wanted to put my head in the spot (you know the spot, that spot where suddenly your neck isn't uncomfortable and you can fall asleep easily). I wanted to share the evening with her, the sunset, the peacefulness of it all. And then I had to come to terms with the other stuff.

I realized that I needed her to make more time for me out of all the fucking projects that are going on, that a balance needs to be reached. When we first started dating I was really busy with work, rugby, basketball, and salsa dancing lessons. This kept me occupied. And she was in school so she had her own shit to do during the day and homework at night. And both of us being busy made me not notice just how many projects she has going on (and the number has increased dramatically since school is out). But she still made time for me during that time, would drive up to my house once or twice a week to come and sleep with me. But I haven't been as busy for the last couple of weeks, not until rugby starts again in a week, and at least softball starts on Thursday. So me not being busy has made me more aware of the amount of time that she has to devote to each of these projects.

So I came out of the woods late Saturday morning, very relaxed, slightly chilled, but peaceful inside. Had 2 texts when I finally reached a place with cell service: #1) Ok, enjoy. ENJOY. And I would like you to come to my house because I love sleeping in late mornings with you and going to bed with you at night. #2) And don't get eaten by any mountain lions, if they try to fuck with you, slit his throat with your fucking knife.

So, I take that to mean that yes, she does enjoy spending time with me, wants to spend time with me, and is concerned for my well being. So I sent her a message that I was home safe, and then she sent me one that she wanted me to go to her house. I asked if she was busy with projects and she said that s was there working on the hearth pad. I told her to call me back when she is done. So I watched some movies on my couch and relaxed a bit and went down there a little bit later. I really didn't want to sit around watching her do work, it's not very much fun for me because I can't help.

We went to am's place and met her and d for some really late dinner, had a few too many glasses of wine, and crashed there. Woke up late Sunday morning, then went back to kc's house to take a shower and go to the art festival. She was supposed to be working on projects for her house, but didn't want to (FINALLY!). So while she was in the shower I sat in there and finished getting ready, did my nails, and we had a nice talk. A good talk. I told her that I was feeling a bit neglected because of all of her projects and that part of it was because I wasn't too busy right now (although this week looks like hell) and most of it was because she needed to find a way to balance out the things in her life (projects, the neverending stream of people going to visit her at her house, spending time with me). And she agreed, which is good.

And then she got a message from d saying she was running late (we were supposed to meet at 3pm) and then another message from am saying that she wasn't feeling good and wasn't going to go. This left us with some time in the afternoon for some good lovin' before we had to walk downtown. And that was nice, at least she is finally out of that funk. And I mean, what better way to spend an hour or so on a Sunday afternoon than naked with a hot girl? So after that we walked downtown (I like that she wants to hold my hand in public and put her arm around me, it's nice to be with a girl who isn't afraid of what other people might think about it) and looked at the pretty things and met d and r. Had a late lunch/early supper at a cute cafe, walked back to kc's, and then took a nice nap while attempting to watch a movie. Then we had to go to my house to make cupcakes for a party the next day. Stayed up until 1:30am making cupcakes (kc fell asleep in my bed, she has the cutest sleepy face), but at least I did squeeze in a 3 hour nap earlier so it wasn't that bad.

So Sunday was PBR and cupcakes during the BB with the rugby girls. That was pretty fun, I mean, what better way to start off a Sunday morning with some good breakfast, coffee, and then special cupcakes and beer (and when I say morning, I had a beer in my hand by 7:30am)? After that was done we went back kc's and went for a lovely bike ride around the city. Stopped back down at the art festival where kc bought a piece (interesting, a girl's face painted or acryliced onto a piece of sheet metal, interesting medium that's for sure), and then continued our bike tour of the city. At least I am slowly learning my way around and wasn't completely lost, I knew where I was for a pretty good portion of the ride. And we got to make out at multiple stops, one of my favorite activities.

That was my weekend. Just the fact that after our talk she didn't talk about projects for 2 days and was able to relax and spend some time with me was good. I needed that, I needed the attention (not that I'm a center of attention person, but you know, some affection from the person you're dating is nice), I needed to know that she does want to spend time with me and is capable of letting go of a few things and relaxing for a day or two. This week may or may not be different than last week, but at least we have a date set for Friday night. Who knows if she'll come to my house some night this week, I doubt it, but at least the project is a tangible one that will be completed by the end of the week, one that you can see the results of immediately (which will hopefully give her a sense of completion and a better feeling about getting the other shit around her house done).

That's where it stands, and hopefully she will be able to find that balance, because I like her, and I can't be scared of that. Part of our talk ended up about what we talked about last week, about me not knowing my feelings and where they stand. She asked if it was because I was afraid of getting hurt and I told her a little, but more just afraid that if I do develop stronger feelings that they won't be returned. She understood and let it go at that. At least we are talking, at least I am finding my voice and telling her how I feel about things. So keep your fingers crossed that maybe she'll make it to my house one night this week, but I've got a lot of shit to do after work myself, so who knows. But, maybe she'll send me some cute texts and e-mails since she knows I like them. And then we get to go out for First Friday, so I have something to look forward to, and since she does too hopefully that will inspire her to get the whatever it is done that she needs to in order to be able to relax and have a good time with me.

Nothing...

So...nothing again yesterday. I don't think she's avoiding me, but damn it sure feels like it. And I gotta tell you, the I'm busy thing is getting old, I mean, just make some fucking time for me. Does she not realize that I'm pretty easy to please, and just coming up to my house and spending some time with me will make me happy? At least I'm getting away today. Heading up into the mountains for a solo night in the woods and a bit of reflection time, time to think about what is going on, what I want, that kind of crap. And it definitely couldn't come at a better time. Who knows, maybe I'll be struck by lightning and suddenly everything will become clear to me. Doubtful, but it's worth a try. I have a bottle of wine, a cheesy book (I love lesbian pulp fiction), and a cozy tent (well, and food and water too, but I figured those would be obvious).

Did a little bit of retail therapy yesterday. I had set out for a new raincoat and possibly a backpacking stove, but, alas, that didn't happen. I could definitely spend hours in REI (oh wait, I did spend an hour there) thinking about how much it would cost for me to actually buy everything I wanted. I ended up with a cute wool coat (to wear under my raincoat if it does rain) that was quite a steal once I factored in that it was on the clearance rack and I had a gift card from work. Went home after that, poured myself a glass of wine (okay yeah, I had 2 glasses, GFY, it was tasty), packed up my stuff, and by the time I had finished all of that it was sleepy time.

Damn, let's hope that this night in the woods does help. And what if she wants to do something tonight with me? I'll just have to tell her I'm busy, but knowing me I'll end up telling her that I'm going backpacking by myself and the last time I told her I was going into the woods alone she freaked out thinking I was going to get eaten by a bear. And then maybe she'll want to come and that will detract from my solo night in the woods but it'd be cool if she actually put in that kind of an effort to see me. But considering that I haven't gotten my hopes up about much lately, I don't think I'll start today.

Hopefully plans work out for the rest of the weekend, people coming over for a BBQ on Sunday and then PBR and cupcakes (fuck yeah some of them will be special) with the rugby team (and possibly kc, am, and maybe a few others) on Monday while watching people run.

Early morning thought...

As I reread what I wrote late night something just hit me like a ton of bricks...is sex all that I want from her? I need to figure that out. It's not really fair to either of us if that is the case, especially since she wants more than that. Maybe it's just because when we do have sex it is great, maybe it's because she is the best that I've ever had (the ex, who I was with for 4.5 years, couldn't get into what I liked so sex was boring, and 4.5 years of boring sex alters your brain chemistry) that I can't focus on all of the other stuff that I like about her.

Shit, I need to get away, spend some time with the thoughts in my head and actually think about this...

To drunk dial or not...

That's what I'm thinking right now. Should I send her a text that I know will go unanswered and unfulfilled or should I just not bother because I think the latter and former will not happen? I mean, is it too much to ask for a girl to want to come to my place and fuck me all night long? Or at least until we're both satisfied?

Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I'm too charged (again, fuck, I'm always ready to go), maybe she's busy. Maybe she expects more of me that I can't give until I know that she is feeling the same emotional connection to me that I am to her. Yes, again with the excuses, GFY (go fuck yourself, for those of you who haven't been paying attention)!

Today was an interesting day. Last night I got a text saying that she (kc) really does like to snuggle with me a lot (with emphasis on the word REALLY), and I like to snuggle with her, and make out with her, and touch her. So I got a little riled up last night, partook in a bit of self love (because well, if I'm not going to get to touch her, I might as well touch myself, and if you can't get off touching yourself then you need to practice more), and went to sleep. Got up at before the ass crack of dawn to get to work early so I could make up for some lost time last week (left early to go to a Bjork concert at RR with kc), and the kicker was that I had a teambuilding activity that I forgot about. However, teambuilding with my group (cal, pl, and pbp) involves drinking some beers and this time we went to the arcade. So I got to leave work early, drink beers, play skeeball, and get paid for it!

So now I've had a couple beverages, working on another, and trying to decide if I want to send a text that I'm pretty sure will let me down or if I should just send it anyway. I mean, how much can I put myself out there without any return? Well, I can't say any return, just no return lately. Last month I put in a hard core booty call and she was here (within 1.5 hours and it's a 45 min drive), and it was a fucking great night!

I understand the busy part, but for the love of god, why can't she leave that crap at her house, unwrap herself around the need for the emotional/conversational connection and just fuck my brains out? Is that so much to ask? I mean, the projects at her house will still be there tomorrow, I get up early for work so she can go home early, so why is there conflict? Hell, if she showed up at my house at 3am (which she has) I'd just fuck her til I had to get up for work at 5am and we'd both be happy (if she'd let me touch her)!

This could be the beers talking...I do get a little bit of an extra charge when I've had a few (only a few though, after that the functional part gets a little ugly, unless the other person is in my same state of mind, and then it's time to rock and roll!).

Why can't I just turn my brain off and understand that she is busy (like me)? Why did my strong LIKE feelings have to start developing? Again, why did my emotions have to get involved? We don't want anything serious, have both talked about not wanting anything serious, and I really don't think that I could handle that kind of commitment (I look like a fucking deer in headlights when the word commitment is even brought up, hell I look like a deer in headlights when someone calls her my girlfriend) right now. Maybe I'm deluding myself...maybe I really do want that...but in my head I know that that isn't feasible right now, isn't possible right now. God damn my fucking brain and it's conflicting with my heart...why can't both of my parts be going in the same direction?

Well, I will most likely end up sending the text message and going to bed unfulfilled...at least I have toys. This is pathetic on my part, I mean, the ex rejected me over and over and over again, and it sucked (it's no good withholding sex as punishment for pissing you off if they don't even want sex, found out that can backfire on you). Maybe I got too used to it, maybe I'm too forgiving, especially since I told myself I wouldn't put up with that again. Maybe I'm too charged (but really, if I was straight, every guy I slept with would be loving the fact that I'm ready about as much as they are if not more). Maybe I should stop making excuses (GFY, I know my problem), maybe I should go fuck someone else and get it over with? Why do I like this girl so much that I can't put it into words for her, why can't I hold a conversation with her when I can do it with almost anyone else, why do I feel like a teenage boy still learning how to talk to girls in the first place?

cal is right, this is therapeutic for me. This is releasing the inner me that wants to come out, wants to show her that I can have deep conversations, wants to show her that I am what she wants. How the hell do I tell her that? She wants to know the conversations that we have at work, but how can I tell her when they are about her, about my inconsistent thoughts of her, about my head and heart going in different directions (especially since my heart is getting involved)?

Fuck my brain and its inconsistencies. Fuck my heart for wanting to go in a direction that my brain has told it not to. Here's the text: Hope your evening is going well, would like you to come over tonight if you're not busy (is the "if you're not too busy" part too weak sounding, maybe just the if part?), kisses. Maybe it works, it probably won't, but maybe I'll get a response in the positive direction. I won't hold my breath...that fucking sucks.

Post Note: Since the internet is spotty at my house I had to wait til now to give the update...she texted me first, was at a bar with her friends, and too drunk to drive to see me...maybe tonight.

cont'd

So now I'm coming up on the 4 month mark with kc. And while she is a pretty sweet bitchin' chick, there is something gnawing at me. It started when I tried to delude myself into thinking that I could hang out with her, have incredibly fantastic sex, and not get emotionally attached. Holy shit was I wrong!

I think it all started the other weekend when we were having a nice snuggly moment on the couch. Something touched my heartstrings and now I'm a fucking mess. There was some jazz playing in the background, it was relaxing...which of course spells trouble for me.

We went out for a nice lovely dinner on Friday night. This of course leads to conversation, because, I mean, dinner for 2 would be awefully freakin' boring without any conversation. And I could tell that she had something to say, but so did I.

I mean, when we first started dating the sex was constant and it seemed as if everything was just peachy. Maybe I'm just an overly charged person, I think it runs in my family, all of us are charged up. But she could keep up, and I haven't had that in a long time (my ex not so into me in the bedroom, which is sad because I'm pretty damn adventurous and will do almost anything...anywhere, her loss though). However kc is a talker, wants to feel that connection to be the sexually charged person that she is. I'm not much of a talker, I'm not very good at it. I mean, I can be, but I like knowing that someone wants to know stuff about me and enjoy them asking me questions. I enjoy watching other people have conversations and their interactions with each other.

So we get to talking about where things are heading and she says that she was going to tell me that if I can't keep up my end of the conversation that she was going to want to start dating other people. Which is truly sad...because I like this girl. Like, starting to really like her. But, the rest of the evening went well, we had some good conversation about stuff, I gave her an hour long massage (I talk more when I'm doing an activity). However, no nookie, but considering the conversation I guess that was okay, sad, but okay.

Saturday I watched some rugby, got drunk at the field in the afternoon, and then went home for a 4 hour nap. Had a text from kc when I woke up, met her and d, am, and h at the bar for some drinks. Saw some other friends at the bar too, hung out with them, talked to them, but not sure that kc even noticed that kg was totally hitting on me. After a long evening (we saw 4:30am) time to crash...again...no nookie. However, am was passed out on the couch and we were both tired (I know, I need to stop making excuses, but I'm really good at it, so fuck off).

Sunday started off nice enough, although denied the am sex. After that we were just hanging out, then went to look at a house with kc, for her to get some ideas about flooring for her house. At least there was some snuggling on the couch, and her hands down my pants, which was good for me, but I'm a giver too. And part of me getting off is dependent upon me knowing I can get the other person off, that's my emotional connection to sex.

Yesterday was a fairly good day too, worked on my car but had the wrong part. Watched the Red Sox lose to the Yankees, that was sad. Went to bed a bit late, got a 3am wake up call, which was great, but again, no touching on my part. Then we had another conversation about the whole me not talking thing and it was kind of left wide open since kc passed out on me. So I was awake for pretty much the rest of the night (which to be fair, was only about another hour since I get up for work at the ass crack of dawn).

At least she sent me a text saying she was sorry about the conversation, didn't mean to leave it open ended, doesn't want to sleep with other people (at least not yet I guess). And she does want to go to AZ on vacation with me, so I guess that is a good sign.

That's where things stand now...and I really want them to get back to the hot fucking early stages of things. I know she understands why I'm not much of a talker, and she knows that I have it in me, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if she's up for the challenge. I mean, I'm not looking to get married and settled down right now, so I have time to see where this thing goes, but I hate feeling like my heart is in limbo...

Here I go!

Well, it sounds like a good idea...post your thoughts on this great bastion of anonymity. So I'll see how it goes, let off some steam, bitch a whole lot most likely, and hopefully make some people freaking laugh. The names will be changed to protect the somewhat innocent, although no one is really innocent, especially the ones I know.

I'll start with a little history, then let the bitching begin!!

I became single in January...while it really sucked ass at first, it was really the best thing for me. I thought it would be great, I'd get to sleep around, meet new people, finally do whatever the hell I want to do. Then right out of fucking nowhere (well, I guess she had to come from somewhere), bam, kc pops into my life.

Guess I should back that up a little bit...my ex was supposed to drive me home from the bar so I could get wasted (after all, it was MY birthday). However, she had too much herbage and passed out. Never made it to the bar at all (but I did see her later, I'll get to that shortly), but her new girlfriend, k, decided to bring some of her friends to the bar (take note folks, this is how my docudrama started). Turns out I'm a sucker for a hot chick who can play pool, however, I had to find a way to actually talk to her since one of k's friends was all over me (guess the candy necklace was both a good and bad idea). Managed to talk to her finally...

Oh yeah, did I mention that k feels extremely guilty because she likes to think that it was her fault that my ex and I broke up? I've told her on more than one occasion now that she isn't to blame, it would've happened anyway, and besides, my ex was lame in the sack and a person can only put up with that shit for so long.

Back to the story...since I no longer had a ride home from the bar, k offered to take me to her house (luckily kc was going there too or I would've had to hitchhike home). Well the ex and her current go to sleep, finally, and it was off with our pants!! However, a late night water break interrupted the sex just a bit (gotta love having your ex see your white ass in the air fucking some other girl). So the following night it was definitely time to go to my house.

Well, what I thought was going to be a 1 night stand (or a 1 weekend stand, however the hell you want to look at it) has turned into something that has lasted 4 months now. I thought I was going to get off drama free for a while, but not so much anymore. With the s/am drama, the h/b drama, and the a/k drama, my own seems to pale in comparison, but since all those other dramas are inherently connected in the oh-so-tiny lesbian circle and I've met all of them through either kc or k, there's no fucking escape!!