Closure...

It's finally over. I no longer have a redheaded monkey on my back. The ex is out of my life, the condo is sold, and I feel great. I don't have to take her calls, and I won't, not for a while. I need the separation that I should've had when we first broke up 5 months ago. I can't believe that it took this long to get everything taken care of and separated. I no longer have to put up with her annoyingly disgusting habits or her twin sister always being around (who also has the same annoyingly disgusting habits). I can finally move on with my life.

Role reversal...

I always thought that I was the one who couldn't make up their mind, that was insecure, wishy-washy, undecided. Turns out it's not only me. I think that this girl just doesn't know how to deal with her feelings for me. I think that she was feeling the exact same thing that I was but didn't know how to handle it either, and still doesn't. Last night kc was supposed to come up and hang out with me and sleep and snuggle with me. However, she sent me a text saying that was was incredibly torn, fucked up, and sad about things. She doesn't know how to handle the situation and that is just the complete opposite of who I thought she was. She always seemed so sure of herself, so sure of what she wanted, and to see this unsure side of her is quite revealing.

She misses me but insists that she doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to fuck with my head. But all of this stuff that she is saying to me just makes me think that she does want a relationship and couldn't handle it if she fucked with my head. My head is fine, my head is definitely in a better place than it was 5 months ago, it's in a better place than it was 1 month ago when all of this shit started happening.

She thinks that I want to go out and hook up with other girls and said that she can't be around that, doesn't want to see it. What the fuck? If she could make up her damn mind then it wouldn't be a problem. I told her that I wanted to be with her. But she can't expect me to wait around forever for her to figure out what's going on. I don't want to go on the prowl for other girls and one night stands, but if she can't be with me then what does she expect me to do, sit around at night waiting for her? What is she so damn upset about, that I'm not completely devoted to her? She doesn't want a girlfriend like that anyway. I'm not clingy, I have my own life, my own friends, I can make plans on a Friday night, I don't have to wait around for her to figure out what she wants to do and invite me along. I'm certainly not going to wait by the phone for her call to say that she has time to hang out with me.

This whole turn of events is just bizarre to me. Maybe she'll figure it out. We're supposed to go watch a show tonight at a club in the city. I told her that I could drive home afterward if she didn't want me to sleep at her house. That sucks though because I wanted to have a few celebratory drinks to commemorate my freedom. But if I have to drive then no drinking for me. And I do want to sleep with her, I really enjoy it, but if she's going to be weird about it then I won't. I wish she would figure out what the hell is going on in her head because I won't wait around forever, I shouldn't even be waiting around right now.

Holy crap...

Where do I begin? Well, the condo was supposed to be closed today and I am supposed to have a giant redheaded monkey off my back. However, the people that are buying it are being super picky about stuff, and even stuff that wasn't mentioned in the inspection report...GFY!! We did everything they asked, if they were going to have such a problem with it they should've just done it themselves. I mean, we're giving them $1000 today anyway, supposedly for the furnace, which is totally functional, so I doubt they're using it for that. If they want a new fire door go down to the fucking Home Depot and get one.

At least I got to play rugby last night. I got to work out some anger on the field and managed to come away with really only a road burn on my elbow and a knot in my calf. kc came to watch the game with s. I was glad she made it. On Tuesday night she sent me a text that it made her sad to see me on Monday because she misses me. She misses my companionship and our intimacy and sleeping with me and snuggling with me. But she said she didn't want to fuck with my head and have me be depressed and withdrawn again. I told her that I was much better, especially after my vacation. She said that was fast, I told her that I had been trying to find myself since the ex and I broke up, and that was 5 months ago. Took me about that long with the ex ex. It was just a bummer that she had to see me going through that process.

So now we're just talking and seeing how things go. She's supposed to come up tonight and give me a hug and a massage (my neck hurts a bit from the rugby) after I get done doing pottery with the team. If not, I guess we're supposed to go watch a show in the city, h's gig I guess, tomorrow night. I told her that I wasn't sure about what to do after the show and she wanted me to stay at her house. But, I have some rugby stuff again on Saturday, so at least we're doing our own thing and hanging out occasionally. I think that it got a little too involved before and I just need to make sure that I'm maintaining an amount of separation. I can't let it fuck with my head again because that was not a fun situation to be in.

At least I don't have a softball game tonight so I can stop at the store and get some stuff to help fix my room up at my friend's house. They are being really nice, but I feel like I am totally disrupting their lives and their system. They know I keep some late hours occasionally, last night I rolled in around 11pm (which isn't late by most standards, but when you get up at 5am it is), but at least the dogs didn't bark. It still woke them up though. I just have to make sure that they know that that's how it is going to be on at least Wednesdays and Thursdays and that hopefully it doesn't bother them too much.

Oh yes, and more crap. The company that I work for had its contract cancelled so I'm unemployed in 2 months. So on top of all the house business, trying to move, getting rid of the ex, the kc drama, rugby, and softball, I get to look for another job. I had thought the condo business would be settled today so that I could start concentrating on the job thing next week, and hopefully that is the case, but it's just a little stressful not knowing.

On the bright side though, I can take a job anywhere I want because I'm not attached to a person or a place. I can take a job in the city that is an hour away from where I'm at now because I can always move to be closer to it. That's a refreshing feeling, and something that I think I want to do. I've been here for a while and I've done everything I can do in this town, it's fun occasionally, but I'm getting bored with it. Plus I just don't want to be running into the ex everywhere I go, I mean hell, I ran into her sister at dinner on Monday. That was enough for me. And I like living on my own and am really excited to not have any pets and not have to worry about my allergies getting all crazy.

Holy shit I am busy.

Vacation...

Vacation is supposed to be relaxing. Vacation is supposed to be where you get to clear your mind of all the crap that is going on in it. Vacation is where you get to sleep late and not have any worries. BULLSHIT!! Or at least my vacations seem to be turning out that way.

When I went on vacation in January the shit hit the fan at work and they realized how valuable I am to them. They were going to give me a promotion, got screwed over, but still manage to show up everyday. Had Friday off a couple weeks ago when my parents were here, an incident happened while I was gone and now a guy got fired over something trivial. And now here I am on vacation again and I find out that when I get back I've got 2 more months of guaranteed work and then poof! Unemployment.

God, and I thought being homeless was bad. At least the company is keeping 5 positions, however it's now going to become a blood bath with at least 15 (probably more if you count the other plant) people going after the same positions. I think that I have a pretty good shot at getting one of them, but you never know and I guess I shouldn't count on that.

Did I do something to make my universe go out of whack? Yesterday had a text conversation with kc about how my insecurities and inability to open up pretty much killed any chance of us having a relationship, at least right now. Duh, I know this, I know that I have stuff to work on. If I could've met her after I had recovered from my disaster with the ex I think that things would be a lot different right now. So now I just need to go about my life doing what I need to do for me.

I swear that Karma hates me. Or is just testing me. I guess everyone needs to be tested to determine their strength. I just didn't realize that all of my tests would occur at once. I mean, divorce, homelessness, and now unemployment. What the fuck happened to me and my life? So much for having a plan. Well, on the bright side, if I can survive all of this and manage to come out on top then I will know that I am the strong, determined person that I know is on the inside of me.

Friday, June 15

To kc:


I am not scared or intimidated by you, you intrigue me. You are like no one I have ever met before. I am scared of my feelings for you and that is what you see. When I met you I had just gotten out of a 4 1/2 year relationship which drained everything I had in me. It took away so much from me and I should've gotten out of it sooner, I have no one to blame but myself for that. I didn't think that I would meet anyone, wasn't even trying, didn't really want to. On my birthday, al was supposed to drive me home. Had she not been so baked who knows what might have happened. I had planned on spending a lot of time by myself, doing the things that I want to do, rediscovering the inner me. And then I met you.

And I honestly did think that that night would be it and then it wasn't. And because I was scared of getting hurt again so soon I held back. And you saw that but I couldn't help it. I was on guard because, after all, I barely knew you, and I do have trust issues with people I have just met. I don't generally care what people think of me, but why should I open up to them if I think that they may hurt me? I had no idea what was going to happen and I still don't. I held back because I knew I still needed to work on me and then something happened.

I decided that I couldn't be scared of that anymore. If you decide to read any other entries you will see that development. And then I started to open up, to attempt to put myself out there, and you started to pull away. And I know that you started to pull away because I hadn't opened up before. My timing has never been good. But I still couldn't stop my feelings from developing and I couldn't stop you from pulling away further. And that fucking sucks.

And I didn't want a relationship and still don't believe that I am anywhere near close to being able to commit to one. I have too many things I need to work on for myself before I could even become close to being in a healthy one. And yet I saw that as the direction that things were heading, and it scared me, and it conflicted me, and I didn't know what to do. So I held back again. And then I didn't. It's like a giant fucking rollercoaster in my head and I can't make the damn thing stop. My brain is my own worst enemy. I overthink, overanalyze, overdo everything, and I tried to suppress it, to push it down, but it just comes back up again.

My shyness around other people (partly) is my attempting to not totally wear my heart on my sleeve and not have them see right through me to see how I feel about you and to tell you. I have clearly failed at that. And yes, I do know that I need to work on social settings. It just takes time for me though. I will eventually find my voice and the inner me that I want to express to other people. al and I never really did too many social things, we would hang out with her sister, her brother, or this girl she used to work with. That was it. Occasionally I would hang out with my friend from my old job. That is why I don't have too many friends out here. But I am working on it at least and at least it is something that I recognize that I need to do. It's like riding a bike, even if you don't do it for a long time you still remember how to, but you still might fall off it again. But bruises and wounds heal and eventually you won't fall off again. I have fallen off at least a few times in the last few months and will probably fall off again. But at least I know that I'll keep on trying.

I can't stop trying. But I can't be afraid to fall either. Too many times I have watched myself and tried to stop myself from exuding whatever it is that I put out there that is not me. And it horrifies me, but know that I have found my inner voice before and I will find it again. After am and I broke up I had 8 months to heal, to work on myself, to find myself, before I got involved with someone again. I may not have needed that long, but I knew that it was long enough. I met you 2 weeks after al and I broke up. And even though our relationship was over long before it was officially over, I still couldn't start the healing process until it was really over. And having to live with her and be around her is not how I heal and I think now that the living situation has changed, I will truly be able to get past that part of my life and move on. I can't help the timing and I couldn't help starting to have feelings for you. I thought that I could keep them down and then they just kept surfacing and I couldn't deny them to myself anymore. But I wanted more time. I need more time.

And therein lies the problem and the source of my conflict. I like you, more than I should, more than I thought I would, but my heart is still healing and my head is trying to help my heart heal. And to throw all of the other things that are going on right now into the mix and you can see where all of my stress is coming from. I haven't felt this kind of raw emotion in so long, I had relaxed, I had let go of the stress and anxiety. And then it reared its ugly head again.

But things are getting better. I am not homeless per se, although I will still feel a little out of place in a place that is not mine. But eventually I will find a place I like and it will be mine and it will be an expression of myself. And I am looking forward to it, but a good looking forward, not an anxious looking forward, which is nice. I get to pick out my own paint, my own decorations, whatever I want, and it's refreshing. I don't have to ask anyone's opinion or permission to do anything and that's a comforting and emboldening thought.

I may not enjoy my job everyday, but it keeps me above the poverty line and allows me to have a little fun. Working for the machine isn't the most ideal situation and I'm coming up with ideas to help me feel better about it, things I can do outside of work, projects that I can do that are things that I enjoy. Most people don't like their jobs, but most people also don't have a sudden windfall drop into their laps that allows them to go and find themselves without having to worry about the everyday things that most other people worry about. So my job is my job and eventually I will find a new one, but this one is good for now. And I enjoy the people I work with, they are fun, and through getting to know them I get to know more of myself and what I see in myself, what they see in me. And the more I get to know them, the more the real me comes through.

And that's why I asked that question yesterday. And I'm still not sure about the answer but it's okay. I just can't focus on that I guess. I just need to do what I need to do for me. I enjoy hanging out with you and spending time with you and snuggling with you, but I know that I would feel hurt if I saw you with anyone else, at least right now, and possibly for a while. And that may not be fair to you to tell you that or all of this, but that's how I'm feeling.

And I think that there are things, well, at least one thing that stands out in my mind, that you need to work on too. You need to learn how to say no. I understand why you can't, it's your family, it's your close friends, it's your sense of giving back for the gift that has been given to you, but at some point you will have to say no if you want to ever complete anything in a timely manner. Well, I can't say that you can't say no completely, you can say no to me and you have. And when I told you that I was feeling neglected before, it's because it feels as if I'm the only person that you can say no to. And maybe it is because I'm not your family, I'm not one of your close friends (I do want to be though), and I'm not your girlfriend. So I am the easiest one to say no to. Or maybe that's just what I see.

So I need to take some time and do what it is that I want. And if you want to join me for some of the things I would like that, but if you can't then I understand. I know that you are truly busy with everything and I hope for your sake that you are able to complete things. It will make your hair stop falling out. I think that my vacation and getting away from everything will be good for me. I'm excited about it. I'm excited to do the things that I'm going to do while I'm gone. I'm excited that when I come back I'll be out of my old living situation and be more able to focus on finding a new one. I'm excited that I have rugby and softball as well. They may suck to drive to, I don't even want to think about how much I'll spend in gas this summer, but they are fun and they are things that I want to do, and that's all that matters. They are what I want to do.

And the self-assured, confident person you know is inside of me will come out. It's there, I know it is, I've seen it before, I just have to remember how to find it. So have patience and hopefully you will rediscover what you saw in me in the first place before I fucked it up. And so I may not be any good at verbally expressing what is on my mind or in my heart (although I am DEFINITELY getting better at that and I know that) but I can write. I can put my thoughts down onto something tangible and go back and read them over again and learn from myself and learn about myself. And if you choose to read any other dates then you will learn more about me, maybe even the things that you wanted to know that I could never say out loud. Just know that they are my thoughts, my opinions, and my feelings, and they are completely and brutally honest.

Anticipation...

I've decided that I just need to ask her the question that's been eating at me for the last 2 days. Ever since we had our talk the other night I just can't get it off my mind. I need to ask her if she wants to even find the part of her that wants to have sex with me again or if I'm just a stand-in until she finds someone else. I don't want to be a stand-in, a time killer, a warm body to sleep next to until a better warm body comes along. I don't want to be a consolation prize. At least I'll get an answer and be able to put my mind at ease and take one more thing off the stress list.

Yesterday I removed my car from the stress list, got it fixed, nothing major wrong with it, and I didn't need to sell a kidney to pay for it. Thank god that's over. Today I have to call my friends and see if their offer on the basement still stands. Then that will be over.

And 7s finally started again for rugby so tackling and running and hitting yesterday really helped me get some pent up stuff out. I have a few nice bruises to show for it, and had I not gone with kc and s to play poker last night I think I would've slept peacefully through the night.

But, I wanted to hang out for a bit, since after the games I went and grabbed a beer with the team and my adrenaline was still flowing when I left. Plus we had to shower at ha's place because kc didn't get the plumbing project finished. Hopefully that'll get finished today, especially since I sent her an e-mail telling her that I had a question to ask her but that it wasn't an e-mail question so I'd ask the next time I saw her, which means that I may go over to her place after my softball game tonight.

I guess I just have to be prepared for the answer, whatever it is. I want it to be in my favor, but at this point I just don't think it will be. She's already bailed on me before with not showing up to meet my mom, and now she's bailing on the trip to visit my aunts in AZ. Well, hopefully she doesn't bail, but it appears that that is the case, although we didn't really get to talk about it yesterday. She said she doesn't want me to feel rejected, but how else am I supposed to feel about all this? I am being rejected, yet again, for being me. Being rejected for having the part of me that I'm trying to work on, trying to improve, trying to bring out the person that I have inside of me, but not having on the surface right now. These things take time, and I guess I want her to be able to take that time, but it just doesn't seem to be the case.

Such is my life I guess...so I'll sit here today, tired and waiting in anticipation for the chance to ask the question and get the answer. Maybe I'll let her read all of this when it's all said and done, maybe not. Either way, I'll still keep pouring my heart out onto the screen in hopes that it helps me bring out the person inside of me that I want everyone to see on the outside.

Lost...

Well, the weekend was a long one that's for sure. My parents flew into town on Thursday afternoon, had a softball game that night (we won!), went and ate some food. Then took them into the mountains on Friday, the check engine light in my car came on, thank god my period came because I am feeling way less hormonal than I was. Overall a pretty good time with them, I feel bad for my mom though, and I have a really hard time watching my stepdad do this to himself and my mom. kc was supposed to come over on Sunday for a BBQ, never called, never showed, so I invited d over. It was pretty fun, but I was sad and annoyed at the same time, like, if you know you got a late start and weren't going to make it, then just fucking send me a message and say so, that wouldn't have pissed me off nearly as much as not showing up and not calling about it. And I probably wouldn't have sent the drunk word vomit texts that I did.

One thing at a time...

My stepdad is an alcoholic. The 3rd marriage for my mother, and yet another person who abuses themself with either drugs or alcohol. My mom left my dad because he wouldn't quit doing drugs and she didn't want that around my sister and I (ironic twist that I enjoy a little recreational activity and my sister is an alcoholic). Then she met the biggest asshole on this earth. They all seem nice at first, until they start drinking. He abused us, verbally and physically, and it scarred me emotionally, probably for the rest of my life. Then one night my mom told him that either he goes or the alcohol goes, he didn't like either response, so he tried to kill her. Luckily my mom is smart, she took all the bullets out of the guns. Didn't stop this bastard though, at least he was too drunk to shoot his bow and arrow straight. Well, not too many of my friends can say they've had to go to a safe house or court ordered therapy (which didn't work by the way).

So then my mom meets this guy, well, we had known him for a while, growing up in a small town everyone knows everyone (and their business, people are nosy like that). He seemed like a nice guy, treats my mom really well, puts her on the pedastal she deserves to be on. Only problem is he's a drinker. About 3 years ago they told him he has 5 years to live (he's only 40 for fucks sake). So my mom has been watching him slowly kill himself with the booze and smoking and it saddens me to see that she is just biding her time until he dies. It is even more saddening to see that he doesn't think that there is a problem so won't do anything about it. Total and complete denial. I hope I never get that way.

And maybe it's this pattern that I have watched my mom repeat so many times that makes me unable to work shit out in my own relationships. I don't want to be that way, I want to be the person that I know is inside of me, but it's fucking hard, it's hard to have that kind of strength, to find it, to be able to use it. kc wants me to be that person right now, and I just don't know if I have it in me. I know I have it in me and I'm learning how to find it, learning to speak up, even talking to her about this stuff is so much more than I have ever done before. But can she wait around until I find it or does she not want to get that involved? I'm tired of suppressing things, tired of beating myself up over stuff that could be resolved if I just talked about it, tired of feeling tired.

So I had a talk with kc last night, another 2 hour conversation (guess we've gotten over the talking and opening up problem), about everything that is going on. I told her that I am having a problem with the h thing, that I have told her that I don't share well and that I feel like I'm sharing right now. I know that we don't have an established relationship, but still, I mean, I don't want to go out and find another person to fuck, to fill that part that I'm not getting. But she can't do that part with me right now, and that sucks, because that is the only part that is missing for me. And I can't have another relationship where that part is missing, it's not fair, and it's something that I can't do anymore. It's a pattern that I have recognized that I do, make excuses for the part that is missing, and it's a pattern that I'm not going to repeat.

And so now I'm not sure where things are. Do I want to stay and hope that she figures what the deal is with h and comes to the realization that she does want to be with me? Or do I go and move on? I think right now I'm being tugged equally in both directions and I just have absolutely no fucking idea which way to go. I guess that's why I want her to ask h, to tell her what's going on, to make it easier for me to make a decision. I know that is purely selfish on my part, but how am I supposed to be with someone who can't fully be with me becaue of someone/something else? It's really not fair to any of us. And she wants me to be in her life, to be an important part of her life, and how can I do that when I don't know which part of her life she wants me in? Guess this is just one more thing to talk to her about later...

Ack!! I want to run screaming down the streets. I want to be hit by lightning and have everything figured out. I want to know what the future has in store for me, what road I should go down, I want to know that everything will be okay. It will be okay, I know it will, but I feel like I want that security of having someone who is sure tell me that everything will work out for me. I want to know what my purpose it, to find my calling, to set myself on the course that I am meant to be on. This is why I feel lost right now.

Still tired...

Stayed up late packing stuff up in my house. Allergies were going haywire because of the dust, but managed to get all of the ex's stuff into her bedroom and out of mine. So now she no longer has to go through my stuff to find hers, which was really annoying to me. Maybe it's just that I don't have to suppress my annoyance at her, or maybe I shouldn't have done that in the first place, but either way I don't have to deal with her shit. Not my problem!!

Had a message from kc this morning about this weekend. She told me to have a good Thursday and Friday at work and was wondering what I was doing this weekend, and did I want to spend Sunday night at her house when she gets back. Okay, if you ever read this shit, LAY OFF THE STUFF!!! Hopefully it's just that you sent me the message at 2:30am, but I've been telling you for 2 weeks now about my parents coming, you said you wanted to come over Sunday night and have dinner and meet my mom. And you wonder why I repeat myself so much, how am I supposed to know what you're going to recall and what you're not? At least she said she would call me while she was gone, hopefully she does. That's the sweet side of her that I like, the side that misses me when I'm not there, the side that loves to snuggle with me, the side that knows if she fucks it up with me that it could be a huge mistake for her.

So as stressful as it would be to have kc meet my mom and stepdad, I don't think it would be that bad. It's just hard because introducing someone to your parents is kind of a big step in a relationship (yeah, see my dilemma with the whole we're not in a relationship thing but what the fuck else do you call it when they don't want you to date or sleep with other people because she would be jealous?) and while I know that she wouldn't judge my parents and I think that my parents are pretty open to all the people I have introduced them to, I'm not sure if it's too soon or if it really is a good time since I've been telling them about her for the last 4 months? Plus I think that once she was there and hanging out for a bit my stress level would go down. And I could sleep with her at my house on Sunday night (one of the last nights that we will ever spend at my house) and that's nice because she hardly ever comes to my house.

That will hopefully get easier once I move. I'm forcing my parents to go house hunting with me tomorrow before I take them on a trip into the mountains. I'm not sure why she doesn't like coming to my house, maybe it's the drive, but WTF? I drive down to her house all the time so it shouldn't be that hard to come to my house occasionally. Plus once I move I'll want to stay at my house since I want to buy a new bed with a fluffy mattress, and I'll need to clean and organize, and that just takes time. Plus with rugby and softball at least 3 nights a week I'll be busy. And am and d want to hang out with me more and that's nice to make friends outside of the circle that I normally hang in, if I even have a circle that I normally hang in. I can't wait to actually have a dinner party for friends and know that they will show up instead of bailing on me.

So, it'll be a whirlwind weekend with the parents, hopefully things go well, maybe they'll help me pack more, and they'll at least get a preview of some of the neighborhoods that I'm checking out. I guess I do hope that kc makes it back early on Sunday, even if it is for selfish reasons, but it would be nice to see how she takes in my family, well, at least my mom and stepdad. Since my dad and stepmom have never been out here in the 3 years that I've lived here I'm not going to hold my breath for her to meet them anytime soon, if ever.

Tired...

All in all last night was a fairly good evening. kc showed up on time and we drove down to my favorite steak and seafood place. She had never been there before and I really like taking her to places that she's never been. They have a really great wine list (and for kc to say that it's the most extensive wine list she's seen around here, that's pretty amazing) so we ordered a bottle and an appetizer.

And soon the conversation just started flowing. We took our time with dinner, with the wine, and even shared a dessert, despite the fact that we were stuffed. She sort of threw me for a loop when she reminded me, again, that she didn't want a committed relationship. I know this, it hasn't stopped my feelings from developing (didn't tell her this), it just makes it harder for me to take stock of the situation. I don't want any of the bullshit that comes along with a committed relationship, I don't want the why didn't you call, why didn't you do this, why didn't you do that, whiny bullshit that some people have. I don't need someone to keep track of me and want to know where I am and what I'm doing all the time. I have my own life. And it's about to get fucking crazy.

After dinner we went for a drive up to one of the prettiest lookout points and kept talking. She is struggling with the fact that she likes h, doesn't want to like her, hopes that when she gets to know her that it will turn her off of her, because I am realistically so much better for her. And I really hope that when she goes south this weekend with s that she is able to work through this stuff in her head and figure out what (okay I guess who) it is that she wants.

I told her that that was why I do things by myself, why I go into the woods by myself, that's how I clear my head and am able to focus on what I want. I'm not scared of doing things by myself, not scared of going to the movies by myself, going to dinner myself, being by myself. I told her that me writing things down has really helped me figure things out. She said she wanted to read it, I told her no, maybe someday, but not today. Then she was worried that because I am figuring things out that either I would want out of the situation or that I would want a commitment before she does.

I guess what I don't want is bullshit. I don't want to be lied to and jerked around. I know that she won't lie to me, and I really appreciate that, but what if I get to the point where I do want something more than a snuggle/fuck buddy? And I think that what we have going on right now is more than that, that's just the term she's using (and I told her for that full term to be effective she needs to fuck me), because she is jealous when people, especially d, hit on me, would be deeply jealous if I slept with anyone else, so where does this leave me?

Got home around 12 and then snuggled. I really do love to snuggle with her. We fit together nicely. She agrees. It's one of those rare situations where you fit together like legos (stealing this from cal). She wants me to be the person in her life right now, doesn't want to like h, thinks that (well, hopefully) I'm different than her last couple of girlfriends but is still a little jaded from the way those relationships ended. And we had the "how do you rate on my list of people I've slept with" conversation, at first I didn't want to know, told her that the ex before the ex used to be at the top of the list, until I met her, which considering the limited (well, not that limited) number of people I've slept with might not mean that much to her, unless she knew just how good the ex ex was. But, considering the fairly large (larger than me, that's for sure) number of people that she has been with, I'll take #3, since if she gets her head out of this h situation, it'll move to #2 (and maybe #1 someday, she is at least quite verbal about what she wants in that area). I'm okay with that, I know I'm good in bed (yeah, it sounds egotistical, GFY!), I know that I have a lot to offer someone (not just sex), and she knows that if she fucks it up with me that she's probably making a huge mistake. And she will be, but it'll be her mistake, and someone else's benefit.

So now I'm at work, horribly tired, the coffee tastes like ass but I'm still drinking it, and I have a 1:1 meeting with my boss in 45 minutes to discuss why I'm going insane. Maybe I should just let her read this?

Scared...

Scared of being homeless. It's not that I would physically be living on the streets, my friends have offered me their refinished basement to live in. It's just that I'm such an independent person that I feel guilty asking others for help, even though I know that I'll most likely need it.

I don't want to buy a house that I don't fully love simply because I have no other choices. I do have other choices, it's just that they're not what I want to do. I could stay with my friends, but for how long? They have their own lives independent of mine, plus I don't really know them all that well, although they are very genuinely sincere people. I could rent a room, but could I find one that is month to month, just in case I find a house I want to buy? I could rent an apartment, but again, what if I get stuck signing a contract for any length of time and then the place of my dreams becomes available to me?

Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? I guess my parents have always taught us to be independent and self-sufficient, to be able to take care of ourselves when the going gets rough. But both of my sisters have asked my parents for help, and they have obliged as much as they could, but I feel like I have always been held to a higher standard with my parents simply because I have achieved more than both of my sisters. I finished high school at the top of my class, went to an ivy league college, graduated with 2 degrees, moved completely across the country, found a good paying job (not in the service industry, both of my sisters are waitresses), and have managed to not call my parents and ask them for any help. So I guess I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own.

But can I handle it on my own? If my breakdown the other night is any indication of what is to come then I guess not. But how to I handle that realization? How the fuck do I ask for help? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I am a strong person but when it comes to things like this I just fall apart. I feel like my raw emotions are just constantly waiting for some little thing to cause them to pour out and onto whoever is nearest. I am not good at asking for help, I don't want to burden other people with my problems.

I suppose I shouldn't look at it as being a burden to other people. I let them pour themselves out to me, so why can't I expect that of them? Maybe my expectations of how other people feel about me are lower than what I feel about them. I know I have trust issues with other people, maybe I have reciprocation issues. I feel like other people can trust me so why can't I trust them? Probably because I've been burned in the past and it really fucking sucks to get burned. It sucks being hurt and having your heart broken and losing a little bit of your trust in people.

I need to not dwell on the negative and look at the positive. My condo is being sold, I will finally be rid of my ex, be rid of her incredibly annoying, sometimes disgusting habits. I can walk around my house naked if I want, I don't have to wear pants. I can drink milk from the carton (although that would require me to have unexpired milk), I can leave dishes in the sink. I don't have to make my bed if I don't want to. Hell, I don't have to get out of my bed until I want to.

So why can't I keep my head focused on those positive things instead of the negative ones. The negatives ones are easier, it's easier to feel bad for yourself and to have others empathize than it is to feel good. This is definitely not where I saw myself, 28-years-old, divorced already, trying to navigate around a place with no support network, ok job but not my dream job.

Okay, more positive. I have a date tonight with kc, we're going to one of my favorite places. Maybe we'll get a nice bottle of wine, or at least a good glass of it. I just can't think too far ahead, although I have to. I think that with where my head is now, short term is the only way to keep me from having a complete mental collapse. And I certainly don't want to have a mental collapse. Maybe that's my problem, I'm afraid to appear weak, scared to appear vulnerable, scared to be human.

Please let it be PMS...

Has so much happened in the last 2 days that I can't begin to comprehend it all? I think so considering that last night I had a 2 hour meltdown conversation with kc, although it was much easier talking on the phone than sending text messages.

My brain is fucked up right now (please let it be PMS, please...). So Saturday night I left work to go and drive out and find kc, s, and h since they were camping somewhere. However, when the directions involve, turn right onto the dirt road, along a road that has countless dirt roads, with no other indicators, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. So of course I never found them, I ended up driving around for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night, and finally got home at 3am, severely pissed off and incredibly tired.

Which meant of course that I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I ended up getting probably around 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then just kept waking up every hour after that. At around noon I finally decided to haul my ass out of bed and make some coffee. Then proceeded to talk to my realtor about the offer that was put on the condo the ex and I bought (it's been on the market since February and this is the first offer we've had). The people wanting to buy it initially lowballed us by $14,000 (more than 10% of the asking price) but we've managed to reach a compromise and it's offically under contract. We're not going to lose as much money as we thought we would, but we're still going to lose money.

So yay, the condo has sold, but that leaves me hanging with no place to live and about a week and a half to move all of my shit out and into a storage unit. My parents are coming into town in a couple days, only staying for 4 days, but I'm also going on vacation for a week in a couple weeks. So I have tomorrow night, well, not anymore, kc asked me on a date, and she is actually going to drive up here to take me out, and let me tell you, I'm really hoping for some sort of sweet romantic gesture, although I'm not likely to get it. So now I have Wednesday night, although that might get scrapped if I can get my fucking realtor to show me the place that I want to go look at. And then the parents are here, so I have next week to pack everything. It's a horrifyingly daunting thought. It can be done, it'll have to be done. Maybe I can get kc to help me move some stuff on Monday after my parents leave.

So then the ex calls yesterday and asks if I want to go have a celebratory beer at one of my favorite restaurnts in town with her and k, so since I hadn't heard from kc yet I figured what the hell, they had to drive through town anyway on their way home from camping so they could stop in and have a drink with me when they get back. So I get to the restaurant, order a beer, order some lunch, and suddenly I'm 4 big beers into the afternoon. So we pay the bill and go next door to the rooftop deck and keep drinking. Still haven't heard from kc yet, it's probably around 3 or 4pm and I'm starting to get pissed. I mean, isn't she concerned that I didn't show up last night, wondering where I am? I mean, doesn't someone have a cell phone with service? I guess I'm different, since if the situation were reversed I would find a way to get to a pay phone at least to check my messages and call and say what's going on.

And all of these emotions combined with the thought of being homeless started to really tear at me. Finally at around 7pm (yup, still drinking on the rooftop bar at this point) I get a message that they're almost home. WTF? Couldn't call earlier when you got within cell range? Well, at least I let her have it, she knew I was pissed since her next text was "oh shit". Oh shit is right, you know you fucked up and now you know I'm pissed.

I finally drive home around 9pm and she calls (that's right, calls not texts) me sometime around 11 or so, I'm not really sure. The next few hours after that are a blur, I know I told her I was upset about feeling like she didn't care what had happened to me (she told me that she was worried, but...), that she wasn't concerned that I didn't show up, could've done something more. Then I told her about the house, losing the money at closing, feeling like I'm going to be homeless for a little while. She was at least trying to be sweet and reassuring and at least by the end of the 2 hour phone call I wasn't really pissed anymore.

I think that I scared the hell out of her though because this is the first time that I've had a complete meltdown in front of her (hell it's only the 2nd time I've cried in front of her, well, first time on the phone). Maybe scared is the wrong word, she was glad that I was able to talk to her about it, and she was being a good listener and trying to reassure me of things. Maybe this is why she chose to make our date at a restaurant in my town instead of hers. I would really like some other romantic gesture (maybe flowers or something, anything). It's not like I want some grand huge gesture, just something to know that she put a little bit more thought into the evening other than just showing up. I like little things, little notes, little messages, little signs that she does like me. I know she does, but I guess I'm still hung up a little on the h thing. Guess I'll have to tell her that.

I think in every relationship I've ever been in I've always been the one who does all the little romantic things, mostly because I am sweet like that, but probably a little because I want someone who does those things for me. I want someone to drive over in the middle of the night just because they want to snuggle with me. I want surprise notes left on my windshield. I want flowers delivered to me just because, not because you fucked up and think that that is a way to redeem yourself. I want someone to make me soup when I'm sick. I want someone to bring dinner by my house when they know that I've had a long and stressful day (or week) because they know I hate cooking. I want someone bring me Twizzlers (because they know it's my favorite candy) and a movie because I could use a night at home snuggling on the couch with someone. I want someone to rub my head because they want to do something nice for me, not because I asked them to.

I want her to be that person and I'm not sure if she is...maybe I'll find out tomorrow night.

WTF?

So went out last night with d, am, and r. Had a really fun time with them, got my drink on, got my dance on, d grabbed my ass at one point I think, but we were dancing so hands are everywhere. Was definitely a little drunk by the time I got back to kc's house. At least she gave me a key to get in otherwise I would've passed out on the porch swing. She went and played poker with some friends because s didn't want to hang out with am (understandable, they just broke up). I guess kc got in about an hour after me, I was in a coma, and still managed to roll over and wrap myself around her.

Woke up slightly earlier than expected this morning and so did kc. And then she told me that she really likes me but she has a crush on h. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? She said that I am a good catch, that I have all the qualities that she is looking for in someone, and that h is totally wrong for her in so many ways, but yet she still likes her. That made me cry. I told her I didn't want to be some consolation prize and she said that I wasn't. But what the fuck, how do you swallow hearing that you're a really great catch but that she likes someone else too? I mean, I know she likes me, and she wants to be with me, because she's said so, and h is a really cool chick, I just don't want to end up resenting her for being able to captivate a part of kc that I obviously can't.

She said she needed time to figure it out...how much fucking time? I don't need to get pulled along for the ride simply because I'm willing to go on it, at some point I will have to get off the rollercoaster. At least the 'rents will be in town this weekend and kc and s are going south to visit one of s's friends and do some cleansing activities. Hopefully that will help her get her shit together. I thought that after the talk we had last weekend that things were going well, really well, our conversations are a lot better, everything was ok. And then I get hit with this fucking bomb at 8:30am after I've had 6 hours of drunk sleep, a slight hangover, and then a headache from the crying?

God, it better be PMS for the excessive emotional things that are going through me right now otherwise I'm not sure I can handle it. If I feel like I'm going to start to cry one more time today I may just jump off a fucking bridge. And to make matters even worse the ex keeps fucking calling me, and for stupid shit no less, and I definitely don't want to be dealing with her right now. And now kc and s are going to go camping with the ex and her girlfriend k and kc really wants me to go so that she can snuggle with me in her sleeping bag. And I really REALLY like sleeping next to her and having her wrap her arms around me, it fits, and it's comforting, and it's peaceful. And why, when things seem to be looking up and finally going my way, does something always happen to fuck it up? Did I do something to piss Karma off? Why must there always be a black cloud hanging over my head even on sunny days?

Taking charge...

In my effort to not feel like I get walked all over by the people I date, I have decided that I am going to make stipulations of sorts for when kc and I hang out, when it's not an official date. For instance, I switched days with a coworker and had yesterday off. So Wednesday night kc wanted me to go down and see her (she had to get up early to go pick up tile for her hearthpad). And I told her that I would (because, seeing into the future, I didn't want to hang out at her house all day watching her play with tile) ONLY if we went and picked up my wiper motor and replaced it and got my car put back together. And we did.

She got up early and went and picked out tile for her floor, I stayed in bed, because fuck, I wasn't getting up at 7am to go do something that wasn't even for my house on my day off. Then she came back, we went and got some breakfast, and then drove and picked up my motor, and then went back to her house, took a little nap, worked on my car, and then played with the tile. I got a day that I needed, that was just the 2 of us hanging out, talking (and the talking is getting a lot easier ever since we had our discussion last weekend, I feel like there is a weight lifted off my shoulders and I'm getting more comfortable), without other people streaming through and distracting.

And the tile does look really freakin' good, and I got to arrange some of the pieces since in some abstract form I found the letters in her name in the pieces (it's definitely not obvious, but it's cool once you see it and know it's there), and she really liked the idea. She likes that I can see all these weird abstract things and that's nice because I don't know shit about art and can't have a meaningful discussion with her about it because it would all be bullshit coming out of my mouth.

My next piece of taking charge...Saturday night. I have to work on Saturday (since I switched days to have Thursday off as a favor to one of the weekend girls) until 11pm. No way in hell would I be driving to the city that late. So kc and s are going to come up and see me at the bar near my work.

This turn of events and having her realize that I need things for me too is working out nicely. Now as long as tonight doesn't turn ugly everything should be all good. Tonight is first Friday and I'm going to hang out at the meat market with d and am. d has a crush on me, but out of respect for kc I don't think that she would ever hit on me or make a move on me, and kc knows this. But both d and am are in serious need of a good night with a wild woman to get them back into the swing of things (who knows how long it's been since d actually got laid, hell her and kc almost slept together out of a need to get some, but then kc met me), and I will help facilitate them each finding their soul mate for the night. Hopefully kc is in the mood for some good lovin' when I get down to her house and when I get back from the bar. But she told me yesterday that once her stove/hearthpad gets finished that sense of completion will really help her sex drive, and god damn it better...hmmm...maybe I should go down earlier just to get a little pre-bar action, but s will probably be there, so that might kill things.

Okay, well...since I have to work Saturday there will be an update tomorrow on how tonight went and possibly what the rest of the weekend looks like.