I get it but does she?

Seriously, all I want is a little time. A little time where you give me your undivided attention. A little time that I can just snuggle and lay there with you. A little time where I can have a conversation with you without having a hundred other people around. A little time where you are not distracted by everything else that is going on in your house.

Maybe it's just that I spend too much time there. If that is the case, then I need to stop that shit right now. I want kc to want to be with me during the time that I am at her house. Except that if I'm at her house too much, then I can't expect her to want to have all that time with me. And that is fine, unlike her other girlfriends, I can hang out with people and have fun. Unlike them I don't want to spend 24/7 with her, I'd fucking go insane. It's not that I don't like spending time with her, it's just that I also like my alone time. And it's not healthy to spend all your time with one person.

However, I should be able to get a little bit of time, I think that she should be able to handle that. I'm not talking every waking fucking moment that I am at her house, but if I would like to linger in bed a little bit longer on a Sunday morning than usual then what is the problem? Oh yeah, she has all this stuff to do.

And why doesn't it get done...hmmm...maybe it's because she's got so many other distractions and a huge fucking list of shit to do that it just seems to never go away. Maybe stuff does get done, and that would be great, but I wish that the list would be somewhat finite in that there is an end in sight. I'm sorry that she feels like she can't get anything done when I'm there, but how much gets done when I'm not there? I'm not there most of the week since this whole shift change business and it's not like I'm constantly hindering her ability to get shit done. So how hard is it to block off a few hours one day during the weekend to just be alone with me?

For example...last Thursday was the Halloween party. I went down to her house after I got out of work in the morning and went to sleep. What was she doing while I was sleeping...okay going to school, that needs to be done, and what else...no idea. So I wake up and start helping h with making food and decorations and that sort of thing, again, not pestering her for attention so that she could get stuff done for the party. Got to have some hot sex that could have lasted a lot longer were there not a party going on downstairs so that was nice, I really enjoyed that quality time together. At the party, didn't cling to her side all night, she got to hang with her friends and with me and that was fun. Slept most of the day on Friday, I think everyone was recovering from the party so that was good, but I can't really have a conversation in my sleep. Went to work Friday night, hung out with the rugby team all day Saturday after I woke up, and didn't get to her house until almost 3pm on Sunday. She had to study for a test and then we had to go to gs's for dinner. So again, no real alone time. She woke up Monday, went to school, and we all know what happened Monday night.

So I don't really think that I was out of line to ask for just a little bit of alone time here. Had I known that nap on Monday was going to be my only chance last weekend I would have made better use of it, although she probably still would have fallen asleep. We spent Thursday with other people, she had Friday night and all day Saturday to do her shit, and then Sunday we hung with the roommates and gs, and then Monday's debacle. So I don't really think that alone time is too much to ask for.

And then she starts going on about our conversation and that I said I have expectations of her and she doesn't like expectations, they make her feel pressured. Umm...I'm pretty sure that if I do have expectations they aren't really of the unreasonable variety. It's not like I'm asking to move in or to get married, just tell me if you're not interested in sex at all this weekend and I'll get over it, it's not like I'm going to pressure her into it.

Oh my god, I am spending too much time at her house. Damn, okay, maybe I'm not going to go down there on Friday. Maybe I'll just go down Saturday afternoon since we have plans for Saturday night. Although, if I look at this condo on Friday she wanted to come with me so I'm kind of screwing the pooch on that one. Oh well, at least next weekend we'll be at my house since we're going to a movie Friday night and then to the rugby prom on Saturday. Okay, new plan since I've already fucked myself on this, need to remember a book and my laptop and just keep studying for stuff so she can't say I'm distracting her from getting her shit done. That's what I'll have to do from now on, although after these next couple weekends since I know I'll be there maybe I'll just schedule some other things for at least Friday or Saturday nights.

Still can't talk...

Damn, I thought I had overcome that problem, but it seems that words are still a fucking issue for me. Why I can't just come out and say how I'm feeling just really fucking sucks, I don't like the feeling of holding it in, of knowing that I'm being silly and if I just talk about it I'm sure things will be fine.

Today for example, I was feeling a little let down about the events of the weekend. We had a really great night on Thursday, some good sex that could have lasted a lot longer had there not been a party going on downstairs, and so I thought that there would be a continuation of that this weekend.

I went down to see kc on Sunday, had a rugby party on Saturday night. She had a huge test for school on Monday so I figured I'd let her get some good sleep and was hoping that when she came home from class after her test that she would at least be receptive to the idea. But no, she asked me when I was going to get out of bed. Okay fine, at least she said that she would probably want to take a nap later with me, and I told her I wanted a naked nap, which in my mind can only mean one thing, and since she knows that I'm fucking horny all the time, I assumed she knew what I was getting at. Maybe she did, but the afternoon "nap" never happened.

We did go to the bookstore, which I love bookstores, and then took a nice drive around on the motorcycle, which is really fun as well, but then when we got back and still nothing. Then all of a sudden it's time to watch a TV show that got missed and then it's Monday Night Football. Um...yeah, I'm all for watching football and catching up on things, but when a girl asks if you would like to give her a naked massage, you don't generally respond by saying, but it's Monday Night Football and the game is going to be good. Guess that's what kind of set the whole thing off in my mind.

I mean, I guess I wouldn't have pressed the sex issue if she had just told me that the antibiotics that she is on for her sinus deal gave her a problem downstairs. It's been known to happen, that's why I tell doctors I'm allergic to specific ones. However, I guess I still would have been upset because what I really wanted (aside from an orgasm) was just some alone time. It is so fucking hard to have that kind of time when she has 2 roommates who pretty much never leave. I just wanted some uninterrupted snuggle time, possibly naked, to just lay there and be warm and cuddly. Instead, we went upstairs before the football game started (but after we had watched the TV show) and took a nap. Had I known that the nap was meant for me to sleep before I had to go to work and not her I may have tried a little harder to sleep. Instead, I was hoping for the snuggle time that I had wanted all day and she fell asleep and I reluctantly did the same. Although, I woke up a short while later and since she was asleep stayed awake because I didn't want to oversleep and be late for work and didn't want to wake her up and have her set an alarm just in case.

So I didn't really get any alone time at all this weekend and now I'm trying not to be in a foul mood and trying not to cry and trying to figure out a way to tell her all of this without me coming off as clingy and needy. I mean, I sent her a e-mail saying that I would work on being more vocal about what I wanted if she will be more vocal about what's going on and why she is brushing me off as far as sex is concerned. But, I haven't received a response yet and am starting to bite off all my nails, despite the fact that it's 2:13am and she's probably passed out on her couch right now.

At least in my e-mail I asked her to set aside a time window where we could just have some snuggle time, and maybe at some point next weekend I can talk to her about all this, since I probably won't see her at all this week unless I want to drive down to her house one morning when I get out of work. Which, I will probably end up doing at least one day, because this whole working nights thing pretty much means that she won't ever come up to my house.

I just wish I knew why I had such a problem talking to her and telling her when I'm having a problem. I wish I knew why it was so hard for me. I know she won't judge me, she tells me that and I know that she wouldn't, so why am I so fucking scared to say anything?

Overindulgence...

Seems to be something that I am really good at, even though I have no intention of doing it. At least kc doesn't care that occasionally I have a little too much of something, or in the case of last night, a little too much of a whole lotta things.

There was a Halloween party at kc's house last night. Yeah, a fucking Thursday night, silly stoners, not realizing that a whole lot more people would have shown up if they didn't have to go to work the next day. Oh well, that's what they get for wanting to have the party on the full moon. But anyway, had a little too much of everything that was out there and lost my balance, but at least I was on my way to bed and it was pretty late so most everyone had left already. kc didn't seem to mind, she just laughed it off with me and teased me a little bit this morning, but it's all good. At least I didn't drop an L bomb while I was wasted.

I think that's my problem, I'm scared that if I get a little too intoxicated that I may let one fly out of my mouth and either not remember it, or remember it and have there be a bad reaction to it. I mean, I don't think that she would react badly, but I'm just not so sure as to how it would be received. I guess I shouldn't worry about it, there's not much I'll be able to do about it since I'm sure I'll be overwhelmed in some moment and it'll just pop out.

At least things are good. We got to have some nice naked snuggle time before the party. I surprised her with some nice new pretties for underneath my costume and another accessory that caught her by surprise but she really liked it. And at least we got that in before we were both too intoxicated to function. Hopefully s and h won't be home on Sunday, although, doubtful since s doesn't really hang out with anyone, although sometimes she does so maybe we'll get lucky, and h has a show Saturday night so she'll probably be sleeping all day Sunday, although the show isn't in town so maybe she won't be home until sometime on Sunday.

Not that the thought of either one of them being home (or them actually being home) has ever stopped us, it does however limit the amount of locations that we can be in. At least, that we can be naked in. Good thing that s doesn't have a key to the garage otherwise that could have been awkward. Too bad the walls are really thin and I'm sure she's heard more than enough of us, although at least she got a new discman so now she can put on some headphones and listen to music instead of listening to us which is nice.

Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to move soon into my own place and then kc can just come over to my house. Drove through one neighborhood last night that she actually used to live in and it looks pretty sweet, hopefully I like the condo. Hopefully I get into the school that I want to go to so that if I buy this place I won't actually be that far away from school and I won't have to commute that far. Hopefully I can find a part time job somewhere near there or school so that I can have a little bit of income and not be stressing so much about how I'm going to pay my bills. In the meantime I'll just save as much as I can for the inevitable fact that no matter what, the job I'm doing right now ends in February.

Isn't she over it yet?

So got a phone call this morning from the ex, calling to say that her and k were having a sushi party and was wondering if since she knew that k would invite kc, if I would not go because she would be uncomfortable hanging around me.

WTF? That is the stupidest shit I have heard from her in a while. At least I had no fucking idea what she was talking about. I called her back at around noon, yeah, she called me at 9am, right as I was going to sleep after my nice long graveyard shift. Told her I had no idea what she was talking about but if it was going to be a problem then I would respect her and not go.

I told kc about it when she got home from school and thought that it was incredibly rude of the ex to be pulling this shit, especially since her and k are not back together again, k is starting to date someone else. Which also makes me wonder why she gives a crap about whether or not I go to some dinner party. Shouldn't she be more concerned about her most recent ex-girlfriend having a date over and such?

Oh well, I don't really care. I'm going to watch a show at the theater that night anyway. kc is going to talk to k about it I guess, that should be interesting. No idea how that will go, probably something along the lines of hey, I've known you longer than a has, and if I want to bring my girlfriend to one of your dinner parties then that should be cool. I told kc I was going to send k a text that just asked if her and a were back together again since she is being a little neurotic and weird.

Especially weird seeing how when we first split up she wanted to be best of friends with me. And then I told her I couldn't do it so soon, I have to have space and be separated. Well, I'm all good now. I don't really care what she does, if I see her somewhere I will be civil and cordial and possibly even nice. She's probably just thinking that if she treats me like this it will hurt my feelings or something. Whatever, it's not my problem. I'm over it and she should be too.

Oh well, at least I had no idea about when it was and already made plans. No skin off my back. I do feel bad for k though, I mean, what if a thinks that she wants some sort of reconciliation since she is still going to this party and k has a date there? Then what will she do. Probably huff and be pouty all evening, but at least I don't have to put up with that shit. I'm going to enjoy a lovely dinner and some funny entertainment with kc. That will be just wonderful.

Things are still going good on this end. Working the graveyard shift is kind of fucking with me a little bit, but at least kc understands. Today I woke up early to get online and see if I could buy World Series tickets, and kc came home from class and stayed online for me so I could go back to bed. Too bad the tickets sold out, that would have been a really good time if we could have gone.

I'm an ass

I'm not sure when this girl will ever learn that I am an idiot. I almost never say the right thing and when I try I just fuck it up even more.

So kc had to have outpatient surgery on her sinuses this morning. Not a big deal, h dropped her off in the morning before the surgery and then I went to pick her up. Why, because I wanted to. I just got switched to the graveyard shift at work, so I get off work at 8am, so I figured I could go and pick her up, it would be nice, she wanted to see my face when she woke up from the anesthesia.

Thing is, I forogt, that these things never run on schedule. It was supposed to be over at 11:30am, and the doctor came out to talk to me a few minutes after that, said she'd be awake in about 30 minutes, and that I could see her after that.

So 30 minutes rolls by. I talk to the nurse to ask if I can go see kc yet, and she says that kc is still sleeping, it'll be another 30 minutes. So another 30 minutes goes by, and then another 30 after that. See where I'm going with this? Yeah, she doesn't wake up until 1:30pm. Needless to say I'm getting extremely tired since I got off a 10 hour shift at 8am and it's now 1:30 in the fucking afternoon.

I mean, yes, I did volunteer to pick her up, I wanted to, I guess I just thought that I'd be asleep by 1pm since she said it would be over by 11:30am. Tidbit about me, I'm a crier, it pretty much doesn't take much to make me cry, hell, I'll probably start crying again in a minute just thinking about it. And I knew that she was going to be tired, I just didn't realize that they would let her sleep it all off there.

So I'm starting to get grouchy, I mean, who wouldn't after being awake for that long. It's just that I was trying so hard to not be grumpy. I didn't want to be, and I could see it coming on, and it was like a fucking train, I just couldn't stop it. I was trying to be positive and helpful and cheery, but by the time we got back to kc's house I just wanted to curl up into a ball and fall asleep forever.

But I wanted to be able to take care of her, change the bandage on her nose, tuck her in so she could take a nap. Instead, she ended up making me a sandwich and closing the blinds and making her room all dark for me and letting me sleep all afternoon until I had to get up and go to work.

And so now I feel like a complete ass. I mean, I was supposed to be the one taking care of her, dropping off her prescription, making her some soup for lunch, and instead I'm a whiny grump who just wants to sleep. And now she thinks that it is a reflection of how I feel about her. And it's not. I would do anything for her, obviously since I volunteered to pick her up after a huge long shift when I could have just had h do it and not worried about it. She thinks that on some subconscious level I did it on purpose because she may have been insensitive to me. I think that the only thing subconscious going on in my mind is my inability to tell her how strongly I feel for her and that is fucking me up a bit because I feel like I can't tell her how I feel.

I feel like she would go running for the hills if I told her what I was feeling and I don't want to scare her away so I keep my mouth shut. That's probably not a good thing, but I can't help it. So maybe now my subconscious/conscious knowing that I am holding back is transferring out into how I am acting toward her. Oh fuck me now I'm really screwed. Now I'm going to have to explain something to her along the lines of that I like her more than I can admit to her and that is why I'm fucking things up, because that's what I do.

Damn, I can't think straight at 3:30 in the fucking morning. And now I am going to attempt to compose an e-mail to her for her to read whenever she wakes up that will hopefully not send her running in the other fucking direction. Crap. I fucked myself on this one. Well, maybe it will make her understand why I'm such an idiot.

To say or not to say...

Overall this weekend was really good. I got to do some socializing with the rugby girls on Friday night, then play some rugby on Saturday (we won 2 games, tied 1), and then got to spend a bit of time with kc.

I like spending time with her, especially after I have been able to spend time doing the other things I like to do. It just makes me a much happier person overall, and then that happiness just spreads over into all the other areas of my life.

Aside from the fact that it's 4:30am and I have about 3.5hrs left of work, I'm doing pretty well. Once the sun comes up I'll be much better. Sleep feelings are starting to settle in, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee, and there isn't really any work to do. But I'm trying to keep the positives in mind: no more alarm clock going off at 5am, I will be able to keep up with kc's night owl lifestyle, I like the people I'm working with much better than those other two idiots I had to deal with, and I am getting paid an extra 15%. If that isn't enough to make me happy about having to work graveyards then I don't kow what is.

Back to my indecision with kc. So, with all this "L" talk going on between d and m, and now I guess s and her new chick kt, I have no idea what it is doing to kc. One minute she'll be telling me about this article she read about the chemistry of "L" and very open to it, and then the next she looks as if she is incredibly glad that neither one of us has said that.

The article talks about the different chemicals in the brain and what the difference is in those chemicals between the initial crazy lusting stages of a relationship and the chemicals that are in your brain once you have established the committed, spending a long time together aspect.

I have no idea what all this talk means for us. I can't tell if she is thinking that this is heading toward something long term or if she just wants it to remain in the lusty intial stages part. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying the lusty party, however I think that there can be lots of lust in a committed relationship.

It doesn't really matter, no matter how I'm feeling, unless some drunk urge comes over me, I will not be dropping an "L" word anytime soon. Despite the fact that sometimes I do say it in my head (which makes me scared to be drunk around her for fear that it will accidentally slip out), the actual words will not be coming out of my mouth. I think that people mistake those initial head over heels feelings for something deeper than what they are and if those 3 little words ever do pop out of my mouth I want them to have meaning, not something that is said too early, on a whim, or in a fleeting moment.

I really like her and I think that she knows how I feel about her, and can tell that she really likes me, so there is no sense in rushing into something that once said, could potentially change the course of the relationship. Besides, if the long term part is meant to happen then it will, whether or not those 3 little words are said out loud or remain unspoken, they can still be spoken in a gaze, holding her hand, and just being there.

L Bomb

Why are people, especially women, in such a hurry to confess their undying love and devotion to the person they are with? I don't understand this. No, kc did not drop an L bomb to me, nor do I think that she will anytime soon, however, my friend d is dropping them left and right about her girl m.

d is going shopping to buy a piece of jewelry, namely, a ring. I asked her what the significance of the ring would mean and she said it was just a promise ring of sorts, but that she thought it would be really cute if they both had matching rings that they wore. Umm...you've known each other for 4 fucking months, hello, does this not scream moving really fast to you? Not to mention the fact that m doesn't live here, so the time they do spend together is a weekend here and there, usually every couple of weeks. Now, I don't know about you, but when I go on vacation or when I have first met someone, I am always on my best behavior. Not that I am not a kind and decent human being all the time, it's just that when you first meet someone you always want to put your best foot forward. If you have a crappy day you don't let it bother you, you're still in the hot and heavy sex stages, and you're still really excited to see each other. I think for d to truly be able to express those feelings to m she needs to spend a lot more time with her, in a row, like a couple weeks instead of a couple days.

When I was talking to kc about it, because for some reason d asked both of our opinions, which is a bummer for her because kc and I are about the slowest moving relationship you have ever seen (which we both want), I told her that I gave d a list of questions about the significance of this purchase, and if it was to say the L word for the first time. For me, saying that 4 letter word for the first time has enough meaning and feeling that it doesn't need to be accompanied by jewelry, maybe flowers or chocolate, but NOT a ring.

Who knows, maybe kc and I have both been burned enough in the past that that is why we are taking what we have really slow. We don't spend every waking moment together, we sleep alone a few days a week, we schedule our lives first and then time with each other, this way we are excited to see each other and don't become complacent or take the other for granted. We also share the same views on a lot of things, more than I realized, not even the living in separate space, but so many others.

We took a bath together this past weekend (I love taking bubble baths, and it was way more fun since she was in the tub with me) and were talking about stuff. She was talking about what she wants to do when she finishes school and what she wants to do with her house, namely blow it up and build a new one. I told her that if I ever lived with someone else that I would have to have my own bathroom and at least one other room, like a study or a den or something to retreat into. She took it one step further and decided that the house she designs will have to have 2 master bedrooms and bathrooms, each with its own living space. We both agree that everyone needs their own personal space to do as they please, where they can let go and relax. I told her I wanted a room filled with bookshelves and bean bags. I just want a comfy, fluffy room, with lots of bean bags and squishy chairs, and a window seat, so that I can sit wherever I want and read or do work.

Speaking of work, I have decided to go back to school. I almost took this sales job and then I freaked out and realized that I couldn't take that job, despite that it would have paid me a lot of money in the end, because it would have sucked the life and soul out of me. So now I am deciding on whether I would like to get a masters or go all the way and get my PhD. I am thinking of just doing it, going all the way for the PhD, then I can become a professor, or do a lot of research, or do both. This means that I will have to apply to the 1 of 2 schools out here that has a PhD program in my field and hopefully I can get into it in the fall. I am going to take some refresher classes this spring to refamiliarize myself with everything, so hopefully it will get me back on track to what it takes for me to study and get my schoolwork done.

Back to the L bomb discussion...I don't want to hurt d's feelings, and maybe she does think that kc and I are moving slow, but she did ask our opinons, well, not so much our opinions, just asked us if we knew any good jewelry stores. And while I love jewelry, what woman doesn't, I love things that sparkle and are shiny, I firmly believe that a ring is the wrong thing to buy. But, maybe she wants to open up that can of worms, maybe her and m have talked a lot about it and they both feel the same way. I don't know, I'm not there. However, we might be having dinner with them on Sunday night so then we can get to know m a little bit more.

At the rate that kc and I are moving I don't think that either one of us will drop a bomb anytime soon. But I'm okay with that, I know that she likes me a lot, and I like her a lot, and we're just having fun and doing our thing. And while that may be different from what everyone else is doing, at least we are both on the same page with things.