I've never really been good with parents, maybe it was the scarring from my first girlfriend's mom, but I always get overly anxious before I'm about to meet someone's parents. Once I'm there I'm fine, but it's the getting there part that is a little hard in my head.
Yes, I know, they love me once they meet me. And, historically, other than m's mom, all the other people I've dated parents have liked me, so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. And, if it were any other time of year, I wouldn't, well, I would at least be telling myself to calm down in my head and hopefully it would work, at least for the most part. But...tis the gift giving season. And we're flying there. And I'm sure if I asked kc if I should bring something she would say no. So, maybe once we're there we can stop off for a bottle or two of some nice wine.
See, my brain is overdoing something yet again. Well, at least I'm recognizing it early on. Time for the relaxation technique. Maybe after I get to go to the beach with kc in California and watch the sunset I'll be able to use the beach relaxation technique again, until then, Miles Davis is going through my head.
Yay, just found out we leave Friday night at 9pm. Something concrete since you can't really back out of a plane ticket. And just checked the weather, sunny and in the 60's the whole time we're going to be there. Now I'm getting excited. I just have to make it through 2 more nights of work. And then I'll be in sunny California. My mom is excited that I won't going to be spending Christmas alone.
It's not like I would be all bah-humbug or anything. I would have just gotten really drunk all by myself, maybe made a good dinner with some nice leftovers for me to eat all week, and watched Christmas movies all day. Maybe head up snowboarding by myself, although probably not. Probably just buy some movies and drink that bottle of wine, and possibly the other bottle. Not in the same day, I'm not that kind of a drunk! But, since I was being forced to take most of the week off from work, that's a whole lot of days of doing nothing.
But now at least I'll be doing something. And I get to see more of California, meet more of kc's family, learn more about her. And I'm sure that time will just keep flying past me. At least I'm keeping busy, getting out there, it makes me happy. Have some fun stuff planned for January and February, and hopefully I can just keep adding to it. I'm sure I will, we've already got most of our rugby season planned for next year. And that's only one activity, then there are the cave trips, backpacking trips, 14ers to climb, and I'm sure a ton of other things.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Putting it all out there
So, this weekend was an interesting one. Went to happy hour with the rugby girls on Thursday night and decided that since I hadn't heard from kc about dinner on Friday yet, that, fuck it, I'm going snowboarding. Knew I wasn't going to get any sleep, but I didn't have to drive so that was okay. I think she sent me a text early in the evening, but I assumed (correctly) that she ended up going to h's show in town and getting severely intoxicated.
So I went snowboarding on Friday, met up with the girls at the auto shop (at least it didn't cost as much as I thought it would) where I left my car all day, rode up to the mountain, and had a pretty good time. The snow was pretty scraped off and we hit a couple bumpy runs (moguls suck on a snowboard!) so we ended up hanging out in the bar and having some drinks. Now, I can hold my own in the drinking department, however, after no sleep, being awake for more than 24 hours, and having 3 really strong beers, I was pretty toasted (again, at least I wasn't driving).
kc called me (yeah, this is how little I get phone calls, I heard a phone ringing, and had no idea it was mine) while we were driving back and asked if I wanted to go babysit with her. She said she got drunk last night and that k had finally just brought her her phone back...oops. I told her I was on my way back from snowboarding, then she asked if I was drunk...I told her I definitely wasn't sober. So she said she might stop by later in the night when she gets done babysitting. But I passed out on my couch until around 1am and then went and crawled in my bed and woke up alone. She had sent me a text that she was going to crash at p's house for a little bit. I figured she would, that's what usually happens.
Saturday I did the volunteer thing with the rugby girls and we got out late of course. I had to bolt home and get ready for people to come over, at least I had gone grocery shopping and to the liquor store Friday when I got back from snowboarding. A handful of girls showed up and we hung out and drank and had a good time. kc said she might come over after she got done with whatever it was she was doing on Saturday night, but then she sent me a text in the morning saying she had passed out on her couch.
But Sunday morning my phone rang (again, didn't realize it was ringing, this is how little I talk on the phone) and she said she'd be over in a little while for breakfast. And then she called back to say that h had her truck and since I don't have TV did I want to go over there and watch football with her. I asked her if I could take a shower at her house, for some reason, the hot water in my shower is a bit temperamental and I took the coldest fucking shower ever on Saturday and that sucked. I think I was still a little drunk when I showed up there Sunday morning, but she made breakfast, I attempted to help and make waffles.
So Sunday was nice, we hung out and watched football and snuggled on the couch. I told her I'd tell her all my shit once I sobered up (because, well, I'm not so good at expressing myself, and it just comes out all wrong when I'm not sober). Didn't really do anything else, ended up passing out watching a movie. Woke up Monday morning, finally sober and not hungover, and told her all the shit that has been in my head lately.
I told her that I know I have issues expressing emotion, but that I need her to not freak out if I do get pissed. I told her that if she had any sort of negative reaction to something I said that I would instantly withdraw and shutdown. Neither one of us wants that to happen, she wants me to be open and honest, and I want to be able to. I told her that I realized that it was because I never actually learned how to do all this, that she was going to have to be patient and understanding, and basically put up with my shit.
Everyone reacts to anger, criticism, that sort of thing differently. Me, I become silent and withdraw. So I told her that one of the cues for her to know I'm pissed is that if I just stare at her with this what the fuck look on my face. She said she knows the look but didn't realize that that is what it was for. So, now she knows. She also said that she wanted to take things slowly with me, not rush right back into where we were before. I told her that was fine, but she is going to have to take the lead on certain things then, because rejection sucks.
We had a pretty good day yesterday. We ended up sleeping until about 3:15pm even though we had no intentions. It was okay though since I had to go to work, I like to sleep a lot on Mondays. We were going to go to the art museum but they weren't open so we went to the movies instead. And then she asked if I wanted to go to California with her since I am being forced to take almost all of next week off from work, and hang out with her family for Christmas. So that's a good thing. Still a little nervous about meeting her mom (I didn't get to meet her last time I was there), and I get to meet 2 of her brothers that I've never met before. But, it sounds like it will be a good time. We're going to go ride the rollercoasters, watch the sunset at the beach, enjoy some nice food, and see her family. And, I like who I've met so far of her family, they're really nice.
The whole holiday visit thing will be a little interesting, but she said she mostly wants to spend time with her mom, a little time with her brothers and sisters, and maybe just do dinner with her dad one night. And then the rest of the time who knows, I think she said she wants to take a drive through Joshua Tree and Mojave so that I can actually see them in the daylight. I'll have to make sure my camera batteries are charged and the memory card clear because I like to take pictures.
So, I guess, honesty is the best policy. kc said she'd probably be incredibly surprised the first time I actually do tell her I was upset, but that she'd be really happy and most likely forget about what it was that set me off in the first place. And her roommates will be gone until right before they leave for Hawaii (slowly getting over this one, though don't really want to hear about it), so she has the house to herself for the next few weeks. So hopefully she can actually get stuff accomplished around her house, and then hang out with me on the weekend. Since I can't bring my Christmas bottle of wine on the airplane I think we may just end up drinking that for New Years.
I just don't think that I could handle a crowded bar full of people. I'd rather just walk to my fridge and get another beer if I want one. Maybe if someone is having a house party I'll go, but I just don't feel like going to a bar. Someone has to drive, I hate driving, there's always tons of cops out, and it's so jam-packed that it takes longer to order a drink than it does to drink it so you're constantly in line for the bar. I'd rather be relaxed and comfortable in my house, not worrying about all the other idiot drivers out there, all the cops, it's just too much of a headache.
So one thing at a time, taking it day by day. I think that Miss Noncommital is wanting to go slow because she does want to be with me for a while, so what is the hurry? And we do have a great time when we're together, just relaxed and comfortable. And it's not like I'm in any hurry for something, I'm still trying to get myself together. This whole emotional awareness thing is a slow process, it's not like I can evolve overnight, and it's not like I really need a ton of distractions (although becoming more aware of the emotions that this girl evokes in me is quite helpful so I can tell her when she annoys me). At least I spent the weekend smiling and laughing and that's all I really wanted.
So I went snowboarding on Friday, met up with the girls at the auto shop (at least it didn't cost as much as I thought it would) where I left my car all day, rode up to the mountain, and had a pretty good time. The snow was pretty scraped off and we hit a couple bumpy runs (moguls suck on a snowboard!) so we ended up hanging out in the bar and having some drinks. Now, I can hold my own in the drinking department, however, after no sleep, being awake for more than 24 hours, and having 3 really strong beers, I was pretty toasted (again, at least I wasn't driving).
kc called me (yeah, this is how little I get phone calls, I heard a phone ringing, and had no idea it was mine) while we were driving back and asked if I wanted to go babysit with her. She said she got drunk last night and that k had finally just brought her her phone back...oops. I told her I was on my way back from snowboarding, then she asked if I was drunk...I told her I definitely wasn't sober. So she said she might stop by later in the night when she gets done babysitting. But I passed out on my couch until around 1am and then went and crawled in my bed and woke up alone. She had sent me a text that she was going to crash at p's house for a little bit. I figured she would, that's what usually happens.
Saturday I did the volunteer thing with the rugby girls and we got out late of course. I had to bolt home and get ready for people to come over, at least I had gone grocery shopping and to the liquor store Friday when I got back from snowboarding. A handful of girls showed up and we hung out and drank and had a good time. kc said she might come over after she got done with whatever it was she was doing on Saturday night, but then she sent me a text in the morning saying she had passed out on her couch.
But Sunday morning my phone rang (again, didn't realize it was ringing, this is how little I talk on the phone) and she said she'd be over in a little while for breakfast. And then she called back to say that h had her truck and since I don't have TV did I want to go over there and watch football with her. I asked her if I could take a shower at her house, for some reason, the hot water in my shower is a bit temperamental and I took the coldest fucking shower ever on Saturday and that sucked. I think I was still a little drunk when I showed up there Sunday morning, but she made breakfast, I attempted to help and make waffles.
So Sunday was nice, we hung out and watched football and snuggled on the couch. I told her I'd tell her all my shit once I sobered up (because, well, I'm not so good at expressing myself, and it just comes out all wrong when I'm not sober). Didn't really do anything else, ended up passing out watching a movie. Woke up Monday morning, finally sober and not hungover, and told her all the shit that has been in my head lately.
I told her that I know I have issues expressing emotion, but that I need her to not freak out if I do get pissed. I told her that if she had any sort of negative reaction to something I said that I would instantly withdraw and shutdown. Neither one of us wants that to happen, she wants me to be open and honest, and I want to be able to. I told her that I realized that it was because I never actually learned how to do all this, that she was going to have to be patient and understanding, and basically put up with my shit.
Everyone reacts to anger, criticism, that sort of thing differently. Me, I become silent and withdraw. So I told her that one of the cues for her to know I'm pissed is that if I just stare at her with this what the fuck look on my face. She said she knows the look but didn't realize that that is what it was for. So, now she knows. She also said that she wanted to take things slowly with me, not rush right back into where we were before. I told her that was fine, but she is going to have to take the lead on certain things then, because rejection sucks.
We had a pretty good day yesterday. We ended up sleeping until about 3:15pm even though we had no intentions. It was okay though since I had to go to work, I like to sleep a lot on Mondays. We were going to go to the art museum but they weren't open so we went to the movies instead. And then she asked if I wanted to go to California with her since I am being forced to take almost all of next week off from work, and hang out with her family for Christmas. So that's a good thing. Still a little nervous about meeting her mom (I didn't get to meet her last time I was there), and I get to meet 2 of her brothers that I've never met before. But, it sounds like it will be a good time. We're going to go ride the rollercoasters, watch the sunset at the beach, enjoy some nice food, and see her family. And, I like who I've met so far of her family, they're really nice.
The whole holiday visit thing will be a little interesting, but she said she mostly wants to spend time with her mom, a little time with her brothers and sisters, and maybe just do dinner with her dad one night. And then the rest of the time who knows, I think she said she wants to take a drive through Joshua Tree and Mojave so that I can actually see them in the daylight. I'll have to make sure my camera batteries are charged and the memory card clear because I like to take pictures.
So, I guess, honesty is the best policy. kc said she'd probably be incredibly surprised the first time I actually do tell her I was upset, but that she'd be really happy and most likely forget about what it was that set me off in the first place. And her roommates will be gone until right before they leave for Hawaii (slowly getting over this one, though don't really want to hear about it), so she has the house to herself for the next few weeks. So hopefully she can actually get stuff accomplished around her house, and then hang out with me on the weekend. Since I can't bring my Christmas bottle of wine on the airplane I think we may just end up drinking that for New Years.
I just don't think that I could handle a crowded bar full of people. I'd rather just walk to my fridge and get another beer if I want one. Maybe if someone is having a house party I'll go, but I just don't feel like going to a bar. Someone has to drive, I hate driving, there's always tons of cops out, and it's so jam-packed that it takes longer to order a drink than it does to drink it so you're constantly in line for the bar. I'd rather be relaxed and comfortable in my house, not worrying about all the other idiot drivers out there, all the cops, it's just too much of a headache.
So one thing at a time, taking it day by day. I think that Miss Noncommital is wanting to go slow because she does want to be with me for a while, so what is the hurry? And we do have a great time when we're together, just relaxed and comfortable. And it's not like I'm in any hurry for something, I'm still trying to get myself together. This whole emotional awareness thing is a slow process, it's not like I can evolve overnight, and it's not like I really need a ton of distractions (although becoming more aware of the emotions that this girl evokes in me is quite helpful so I can tell her when she annoys me). At least I spent the weekend smiling and laughing and that's all I really wanted.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Small circle hell
Okay, maybe you aren't aware of this, but apparently every single fucking lesbian circle in this world has about 2 degrees of separation, instead of 6. Or maybe I'm on a roll right now because it's only 1:45am, I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee (I don't usually have my first cup til around 3am), I'm psyched to go snowboarding tomorrow, and I'm trying to not be the least bit concerned/annoyed about where kc is.
So, I'm strolling through that wonderful land called MySpace. Just checking out my friends pages, seeing who their friends are, found a couple friends I added, looking at pictures. When, who of all people should be friends with kc's ex...yeah, one of the BI girls. It's like small world hell for me. I can't escape this chick no matter where I go, it's like, everyone is friends with her. Not that she shouldn't have friends, but fuck, can't I have some part of my life that is kc or her ex free? Apparently not. Oh well, let's not read too much into that.
Although, I'm not sure I told kc exactly why I had to change relaxation ideas. It used to be that daydreaming of white, sandy beaches, lying in a hammock, listening to the ocean waves crash, with no one else around, would instantly calm me down and make me relax. And then kc and I were talking about how neither one of us had ever had a "romantic" vacation to the beach, and then she says, oh yeah, by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Hawaii in January with s & h and we're going to stay with my ex while we're there? Yup, way to ruin that fantasty.
I understand being friends with your ex, I do, I get it, sometimes they're good people that you just couldn't be in a relationship with. But, it almost feels as though she drops everything for this chick and does whatever she asks. I don't expect to be at the top of the priority list, she's made that abundantly clear, however, why can she drop everything for an ex and not me? So now, every time I think of white sandy beaches, I see the 4 of them huddled around a campfire on the beach and I want to vomit. Ok, that may be an exaggeration most days, but some days not.
New relaxation technique is to put on some slow jazz and picture myself sitting in a small, smoky little bar. There are small tables with candles on them, the air is hazy, and the smoothest jazz is being played. The singer has a deep, sultry voice that just burns into your soul. There is a martini in front of me. The bar is dark so you can't tell if there is anyone else in it. Let's just hope that this one doesn't get ruined.
I think the only reason I'm thinking about it and getting annoyed is, well, I shouldn't be annoyed. I should have zero expectations from this girl. It's just weird because we have a good time when we're together, I've given her her "space" all week, barely talked to her. Invited her over for dinner on either Friday or Sunday hoping she'd get the picture that I was busy Saturday night and haven't heard back from her. So, I made plans to go snowboarding tomorrow. If in fact she does actually want to have dinner with me, then she'll just have to wait until I get home. Plus I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store for the party Saturday night.
Yup, sure am having a party at my new place. Haven't told kc about it, though it wouldn't matter if I did. Figured I'd send her a message Saturday night saying there was a party at my house if she wanted to come over, although if we have dinner Friday night then maybe I'll tell her then. Doubt she will since the rugby girls will be there, but you never know. Sometimes she hangs out with them, sometimes not.
I think that really, I'm just in this mood with her because I'm just itching to get all this shit that's been building up out of my system. And then we'll see where things are at. I just feel like I'm hanging in the balance wondering what is going to happen and I just need to know because I don't like hanging. I don't want to keep putting it off, maybe that's why I've been sick all week. My body is punishing me for yet again, eating my emotions and not saying what needs to be said. Damn this book I'm reading for making me aware of all this. And of course the chapters I read this morning were on detachment, love, and intimacy. Oh well, if I come out of it a better person then that's all that matters.
When I was back east visiting my family my aunt did a rune reading for me. It basically said that I would go through turmoil, an upheavel of sorts (I either correctly or incorrectly take this to mean my break-up with the ex), I would hit a rough patch, go through a period of growth and learning, that in the end would result in a partnership. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I like kc, a lot, but what if she is the turmoil and upheavel and not the ex, and the next person I meet is the partnership I'm supposed to have? Or what if she is the partnership? WTF? I need a psychic to help me out here.
I don't get it, other than her apparent inability to commit to anything, she is great. We have fun, we discuss all kinds of things, we both like a lot of the same activities, we like to have our separate lives, don't want to live with another person but still be with them, enjoy our space (and yes, I enjoy my space, apparently when I desire to hang out is not coinciding with hers). Ack, why did I fall for Polly? That movie really does describe her spot on, maybe I should buy it and make her watch it with me. It's not like I'm looking to settle down right now, the very thought of it freaks me out a little, but I'd really like for her to not be so fucking flaky about things.
And what if I do get to the point where I want something serious? I'm sure she won't be there. Damn, okay, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Maybe we can just have dinner sometime this weekend. That would be nice. That's about as far ahead as I can go. That's about as far ahead as I want to go since if I think about it any further I just start going on rants like this.
So, I'm strolling through that wonderful land called MySpace. Just checking out my friends pages, seeing who their friends are, found a couple friends I added, looking at pictures. When, who of all people should be friends with kc's ex...yeah, one of the BI girls. It's like small world hell for me. I can't escape this chick no matter where I go, it's like, everyone is friends with her. Not that she shouldn't have friends, but fuck, can't I have some part of my life that is kc or her ex free? Apparently not. Oh well, let's not read too much into that.
Although, I'm not sure I told kc exactly why I had to change relaxation ideas. It used to be that daydreaming of white, sandy beaches, lying in a hammock, listening to the ocean waves crash, with no one else around, would instantly calm me down and make me relax. And then kc and I were talking about how neither one of us had ever had a "romantic" vacation to the beach, and then she says, oh yeah, by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Hawaii in January with s & h and we're going to stay with my ex while we're there? Yup, way to ruin that fantasty.
I understand being friends with your ex, I do, I get it, sometimes they're good people that you just couldn't be in a relationship with. But, it almost feels as though she drops everything for this chick and does whatever she asks. I don't expect to be at the top of the priority list, she's made that abundantly clear, however, why can she drop everything for an ex and not me? So now, every time I think of white sandy beaches, I see the 4 of them huddled around a campfire on the beach and I want to vomit. Ok, that may be an exaggeration most days, but some days not.
New relaxation technique is to put on some slow jazz and picture myself sitting in a small, smoky little bar. There are small tables with candles on them, the air is hazy, and the smoothest jazz is being played. The singer has a deep, sultry voice that just burns into your soul. There is a martini in front of me. The bar is dark so you can't tell if there is anyone else in it. Let's just hope that this one doesn't get ruined.
I think the only reason I'm thinking about it and getting annoyed is, well, I shouldn't be annoyed. I should have zero expectations from this girl. It's just weird because we have a good time when we're together, I've given her her "space" all week, barely talked to her. Invited her over for dinner on either Friday or Sunday hoping she'd get the picture that I was busy Saturday night and haven't heard back from her. So, I made plans to go snowboarding tomorrow. If in fact she does actually want to have dinner with me, then she'll just have to wait until I get home. Plus I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store for the party Saturday night.
Yup, sure am having a party at my new place. Haven't told kc about it, though it wouldn't matter if I did. Figured I'd send her a message Saturday night saying there was a party at my house if she wanted to come over, although if we have dinner Friday night then maybe I'll tell her then. Doubt she will since the rugby girls will be there, but you never know. Sometimes she hangs out with them, sometimes not.
I think that really, I'm just in this mood with her because I'm just itching to get all this shit that's been building up out of my system. And then we'll see where things are at. I just feel like I'm hanging in the balance wondering what is going to happen and I just need to know because I don't like hanging. I don't want to keep putting it off, maybe that's why I've been sick all week. My body is punishing me for yet again, eating my emotions and not saying what needs to be said. Damn this book I'm reading for making me aware of all this. And of course the chapters I read this morning were on detachment, love, and intimacy. Oh well, if I come out of it a better person then that's all that matters.
When I was back east visiting my family my aunt did a rune reading for me. It basically said that I would go through turmoil, an upheavel of sorts (I either correctly or incorrectly take this to mean my break-up with the ex), I would hit a rough patch, go through a period of growth and learning, that in the end would result in a partnership. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I like kc, a lot, but what if she is the turmoil and upheavel and not the ex, and the next person I meet is the partnership I'm supposed to have? Or what if she is the partnership? WTF? I need a psychic to help me out here.
I don't get it, other than her apparent inability to commit to anything, she is great. We have fun, we discuss all kinds of things, we both like a lot of the same activities, we like to have our separate lives, don't want to live with another person but still be with them, enjoy our space (and yes, I enjoy my space, apparently when I desire to hang out is not coinciding with hers). Ack, why did I fall for Polly? That movie really does describe her spot on, maybe I should buy it and make her watch it with me. It's not like I'm looking to settle down right now, the very thought of it freaks me out a little, but I'd really like for her to not be so fucking flaky about things.
And what if I do get to the point where I want something serious? I'm sure she won't be there. Damn, okay, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Maybe we can just have dinner sometime this weekend. That would be nice. That's about as far ahead as I can go. That's about as far ahead as I want to go since if I think about it any further I just start going on rants like this.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Emotional Awareness
When the ex and I split up (which was almost a year ago) my stepmom sent me 2 books, both of them about emotional healing. When she first sent them to me I thought they were some kind of crazy self-help book that I didn't really need to read, so I just blew them off.
Then when I was unpacking my stuff in my new place, I found the books. And I actually started to read one of them. And it made sense. Didn't think that would fucking happen, but hey, it did. The book I'm reading is about emotional awareness. I'm about halfway through it right now and some of the things it's saying are cutting directly to me.
Basically, I need to become more aware of the emotions I am feeling (which is one of the reasons I started writing this fantasticness) so that when they happen I can be more aware of what I'm feeling and if it's bad, what it's going to take to make things better. It also says that I shouldn't be afraid of what I'm feeling, that just because it might not be the same as what someone else is feeling, or if it's felt/interpreted in a different way, that's okay, it's natural, no one is going to feel the exact same way as I do, ever. My emotions are like my fingerprints, unique to me in how they are felt and expressed.
So now I am trying to become more aware of what I'm feeling, as I'm experiencing it. It's a lot easier said than done that's for sure.
Right now I'm trying not to stress about the holidays, finding a job that pays enough for me to stay in my place and go to school, getting into school. This is my first "single" holiday season, in about 5 years. The ex and I split up last January (though it should have been earlier), and so although last Christmas we were still together and it was not satisfying, we were still together. I stopped surprising the ex with naughty lingerie after the first year when she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. This year, there is a little number hanging in my closet, and if I have to wear it for myself and no one else then so be it, I will. Hopefully kc will be out of her funk, she did invite me over to dinner at her friends house so we'll see.
I'm fully prepared to spend the days by myself though. It's almost as if I've been prepping myself since the early summer when I started packing up stuff and moving and now that I have my place by myself. It's not as if I have to steele myself against the revelation that I am single, I guess it's still just the first season shocks, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do now, not what we want to do. Especially since kc is so flaky, although dinner at p's house will be nice, but I mean, who knows how long she'll be around, and I just need to get some new traditions for myself going. I've got a couple nice bottles of wine, I'll get some champagne, roast a chicken in the oven, get good and drunk and have dinner by myself if it comes down to that. Otherwise, if kc isn't being flaky, then I can do that Christmas Eve, hell maybe she'll even join me, and then visit on Christmas.
New Year's is a whole other day. No idea what's happening that day, although, most likely it'll involve me drinking heavily. Other than that, I don't really expect kc to make plans in advance since she's not that great at it anyway. Maybe the rugby girls will have something going on. I just know I don't have to work, so I'll be drinking. It's not like I'm trying to numb myself through the holidays, well, maybe a little, it's just hard. This whole year has been interesting, fucking crazy, relaxing, stressful, eye opening, so many different things. And none of it anything that I could have predicted. Even if someone had said that the ex and I were going to split up, I never would have thought that this past year was what my life would look like. Except now the year is almost over and it is my life and all of the experiences in it are mine.
It's almost too surreal to believe that it's true. Sometimes I look around me and wonder how I got here. And then I realize that I never really had a plan for my life. I still don't know what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life, or even for right now. Who knows what will happen with kc and me, I'll just enjoy the time we spend together and not think too far ahead on that one. I hope that I get into school, that will at least give me some direction for the next few years, and a better chance at finding the job that was meant for me. I still really love where I'm living, and I still have a lot of exploring to do. I like knowing that I'm going home to my home, my place, my quiet little corner of the world, that is mine to do with as I please.
But, I guess, how did I get here and where am I going are two of the most common questions that people ask themselves. I guess I know how I got here, I followed out the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things were going great, or at least I deluded myself into thinking that, and then things were over. Now I'm sitting here at 5am, 3 hours left of work to go, bitching about my life and wondering where it's going to next.
Well, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Friday night, who knows, maybe kc will come over for dinner, maybe not. Saturday, share a gift volunteer thing, then party at my house (well, hopefully more than 1 person shows up, that would actually make it a party). Sunday, maybe I'll have TV by then, if not, have to find a bar to watch the football game at. Monday, work on unpacking my house some more. That's about as far ahead as I can go. If I go too much further I start sweating and freaking out. Guess these are emotions I should be paying attention to. I'm just staying in the present and trying to make the most of it.
Then when I was unpacking my stuff in my new place, I found the books. And I actually started to read one of them. And it made sense. Didn't think that would fucking happen, but hey, it did. The book I'm reading is about emotional awareness. I'm about halfway through it right now and some of the things it's saying are cutting directly to me.
Basically, I need to become more aware of the emotions I am feeling (which is one of the reasons I started writing this fantasticness) so that when they happen I can be more aware of what I'm feeling and if it's bad, what it's going to take to make things better. It also says that I shouldn't be afraid of what I'm feeling, that just because it might not be the same as what someone else is feeling, or if it's felt/interpreted in a different way, that's okay, it's natural, no one is going to feel the exact same way as I do, ever. My emotions are like my fingerprints, unique to me in how they are felt and expressed.
So now I am trying to become more aware of what I'm feeling, as I'm experiencing it. It's a lot easier said than done that's for sure.
Right now I'm trying not to stress about the holidays, finding a job that pays enough for me to stay in my place and go to school, getting into school. This is my first "single" holiday season, in about 5 years. The ex and I split up last January (though it should have been earlier), and so although last Christmas we were still together and it was not satisfying, we were still together. I stopped surprising the ex with naughty lingerie after the first year when she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. This year, there is a little number hanging in my closet, and if I have to wear it for myself and no one else then so be it, I will. Hopefully kc will be out of her funk, she did invite me over to dinner at her friends house so we'll see.
I'm fully prepared to spend the days by myself though. It's almost as if I've been prepping myself since the early summer when I started packing up stuff and moving and now that I have my place by myself. It's not as if I have to steele myself against the revelation that I am single, I guess it's still just the first season shocks, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do now, not what we want to do. Especially since kc is so flaky, although dinner at p's house will be nice, but I mean, who knows how long she'll be around, and I just need to get some new traditions for myself going. I've got a couple nice bottles of wine, I'll get some champagne, roast a chicken in the oven, get good and drunk and have dinner by myself if it comes down to that. Otherwise, if kc isn't being flaky, then I can do that Christmas Eve, hell maybe she'll even join me, and then visit on Christmas.
New Year's is a whole other day. No idea what's happening that day, although, most likely it'll involve me drinking heavily. Other than that, I don't really expect kc to make plans in advance since she's not that great at it anyway. Maybe the rugby girls will have something going on. I just know I don't have to work, so I'll be drinking. It's not like I'm trying to numb myself through the holidays, well, maybe a little, it's just hard. This whole year has been interesting, fucking crazy, relaxing, stressful, eye opening, so many different things. And none of it anything that I could have predicted. Even if someone had said that the ex and I were going to split up, I never would have thought that this past year was what my life would look like. Except now the year is almost over and it is my life and all of the experiences in it are mine.
It's almost too surreal to believe that it's true. Sometimes I look around me and wonder how I got here. And then I realize that I never really had a plan for my life. I still don't know what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life, or even for right now. Who knows what will happen with kc and me, I'll just enjoy the time we spend together and not think too far ahead on that one. I hope that I get into school, that will at least give me some direction for the next few years, and a better chance at finding the job that was meant for me. I still really love where I'm living, and I still have a lot of exploring to do. I like knowing that I'm going home to my home, my place, my quiet little corner of the world, that is mine to do with as I please.
But, I guess, how did I get here and where am I going are two of the most common questions that people ask themselves. I guess I know how I got here, I followed out the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things were going great, or at least I deluded myself into thinking that, and then things were over. Now I'm sitting here at 5am, 3 hours left of work to go, bitching about my life and wondering where it's going to next.
Well, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Friday night, who knows, maybe kc will come over for dinner, maybe not. Saturday, share a gift volunteer thing, then party at my house (well, hopefully more than 1 person shows up, that would actually make it a party). Sunday, maybe I'll have TV by then, if not, have to find a bar to watch the football game at. Monday, work on unpacking my house some more. That's about as far ahead as I can go. If I go too much further I start sweating and freaking out. Guess these are emotions I should be paying attention to. I'm just staying in the present and trying to make the most of it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Slow...progress?
I don't know if it's progress or not, I still haven't been able to get out what I need to say. Though, I have spent most of the time sleeping. kc wanted to have dinner Monday night, actually initiated something so that was nice. She came over and we fell asleep watching a movie, woke up, I made dinner, and we started rewatching the movie while we were eating. I'm not sure if awkward is the right word, it wasn't quite that bad, it just felt a little off when she first got there. But then we snuggled and took a nap and that was nice.
Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.
So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.
Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.
I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.
I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.
Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.
Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.
So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.
Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.
I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.
I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.
Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
WTF?
Seriously, I don't get her at all. She is Polly from that movie Along Came Polly. Last week she's all back to herself and sending naughty texts and pics and that whole e-mail thing with the love at the end. Today, she cancels our date for Friday because she doesn't want to have a girlfriend or commitments or a relationship, but she still wants to date casually.
What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?
And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.
Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.
I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.
I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?
Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.
Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.
What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?
And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.
Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.
I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.
I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?
Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.
Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.
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