Bored...hmmm

This has kinda been a lonely little time for me. I've actually started looking for a therapist. I mean, yeah, I think I got some shit to work out before I can move on. I think that I am officially putting women on the back burner for now. I just can't deal with the shit anymore, it's fucking me up. So much so that I am seeking professional help. Fuck.

I know I've got some issues, who doesn't, but when you can't move on and you don't want to look even though she's sending you the most ridiculously clear signals that it's time to move on because for all you know she's already started looking, then it's time to seek help. Really, why can't she just get over herself? Perfect doesn't fucking exist, or maybe I'm just trying too hard, or I just don't have the right standards. I don't fucking know.

The only thing I know is that I can't seem to move on, I'm holding on to some ridiculously stupid hope that she will get a piano dropped on her head and wake up and suddenly realize that she is indeed making a huge mistake not trying to figure out how to make it work. And not really caring.

Oh, she'd say she cares, that's why we can't be together, because it just wasn't ever going to work. But I don't think she realizes just how mean she has been to me lately. Apparently, "I just want an alone night" means I'm gonna get drunk with my roommates and some friends and puke. Whatever, maybe I just have too many alone nights. Apparently, midnight is a good time to say...I just need to be alone tonight, but I wish we could have taken a bath together, since I didn't get an alone night last night because I got drunk with people.

She told me that it would hurt when I started dating again. She said just don't tell her, don't let her find out. But she still wants to snuggle. Sometimes. When it's good for her.

I know her life is fucking crazy right now. Her kitchen is being remodeled so her house is trashed basically everyday, and every night she cleans it again, only for it to be trashed the next day. Her cats don't like all this craziness so one of them is constantly going to the bathroom not in the litter box. But that's still no excuse to be mean to me. Maybe she doesn't even realize it. At least I'm getting better at telling her what's on her mind.

The other day I came close to burning down my work, yes, I hate it that much. So I stopped by her house after I talked to my professor to just bitch and get it out of my system, and she starts telling me what I should do and giving me her opinion. I was like, please, stop, I don't want to hear what I should do, I know what I should do, I just want to bitch and be done with it. She was definitely surprised.

I don't know why I put up with it. I mean, I do, everyone does, doesn't mean it's a good place to be. Maybe it is okay that she doesn't want to be around me all that much anymore. She never really came to my house anyway. I always have to go to her house. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes it would be nice if she just wanted to come here. Sometimes she misses me. I doubt really all that much, but who knows, she doesn't ever really express her feelings so I have no idea.

Someday my princess will come. Someday someone will bring me flowers. Someday someone will love me best, someone will choose to be with me. Today isn't that day. Tomorrow probably won't be either. I really hope my someday is out there, that would suck if it wasn't.

When Hell Freezes Over

That is probably what will happen the next time I get laid. Let's just say the prospects just really aren't all that good. I love a girl who just can't be with me that way. So we just snuggle. That's it...just snuggle.

Which is really nice, but I have needs. But I don't want to go out and just get laid. I want someone who is okay with being in a relationship with me, who won't keep going back and forth, but yeah, they have to be a good snuggler.

I'm a close sleeper, I like the feeling of her next to me, and so does she. And I've found, with the number of people that I've slept next to, that not everyone likes it, actually, most people don't. I don't get it, but, hey, I just can't be with them.

I want someone who likes to surprise me and do sweet things. Have yet to find that, well, almost.

Oh well, I'm pretty much occupied by work and school, so I don't really have that much time, so it'd be nice if someone else was in that situation so they wouldn't be disappointed that I can't be with them all the time. Plus I like my space. I like living alone. A lot.

But ya know, not every night. I want to feel special, loved, appreciated, I want to feel those things for someone who can return them.

In other news...I rocked my inorganic final! I got a 44/50 and brought my grade up to a B. It was a pretty close call there, before the final I had the bottom of a C and you have to get a B- to pass the class. There are 4 masters core courses and you have to get a B- in all of them. So if I do really well on my presentation then I should get a solid B in the class and not have to do extra work. He said if I didn't have a B- I would have to do extra work over winter and spring semesters to show I understand what the class is about. Hopefully I do well on my presentation.

Work...eh, it's a job. I have a goal. Everyday that I leave for school I just tell myself it'll be worth it in the end. Every Friday night I spend at home doing work or recovering from a rough week I know it will be worth it when it's over. I will appreciate every day that I don't have to do it. When I'll actually have leisure time, that will be nice.

Can't wait for Thanksgiving next week! No school all week, and I have Thursday and Friday off from work. No idea what I'm doing for Thanksgiving yet, but have invitations to a few different places.

Time to read my Cosmo and think about all the sex I'm not having. Sometimes it sucks. Today would be one of those days.

Bitchy Woman

So, I've been at this job for about 4 months now. I finally have health insurance...woo hoo!! But my boss has been back from maternity leave for about a month now and I gotta tell you, what the fuck is her problem? It's like she purposefully doesn't tell me stuff and then tries to make me feel bad when I mess something up. Which I wouldn't have messed up if she had just told me about it.

I don't get it, why would she do that? And she sends me the stupidest e-mails, she'll ask a question and it's like, um, if you had actually read the message I sent to you then your question would already be answered and you wouldn't be wasting my fucking time trying to deal with this shit.

Thursday was just a really bad day for me. I mean, fuck, I was crying on the way in to work when I was thinking about all the stuff I had to do. They sent me to a stupid meeting in Chicago, where the only high point was that I made friends with another girl who was also at the meeting, and we were flying the same airline so we hung out at the bar before our flights and that was nice. So I got to work Thursday morning and had 123 e-mails, and no, I'm not overexaggerating here, that's how many I really had. We had a conference call which was going over essentially the exact same thing that I had to do at the meeting so it was a huge waste of time. I had a giant bucket of samples that I had to measure and I've got dragon lady breathing down my neck for all sorts of stupid shit that she should be doing.

So the one lday who I like and is nice at work took me out for some coffee because she came by my next and saw me freaking out. So that was really nice. She thinks that dragon lady dumps all this shit on me because I'm smarter than her, which isn't really any consolation because this job isn't rocket science.

But work wasn't the only reason I was freaking out, it doesn't really make me freak out, just when you add onto it all the shit I have for school. I had a test that I was supposed to take on Wednesday but I had to take Tuesday morning because of the stupid Chicago trip so that sucked. I missed out on a day and a half of studying because of work.

And now I had a midterm in my advanced inorganic chemistry class on Tuesday. So Thursday I was supposed to go to practice because we had an exec board meeting afterward but I have just had to make peace with the fact that if something has to get cut back, it's my rugby time. I have to do really well on this test or I'm going to fail the class. My professor is a pain in the ass and he just doesn't understand why I don't get stuff. But it's like if he explains it a little different, or words something differently then I get it. I've been meeting with him for the last couple of weeks to review stuff so it's getting better, it just takes a lot of time. So I had to ditch practice on Thursday but I've been plowing through making my study cards so it was definitely a good thing that I missed it.

I just really wish I had more time. kc really wanted to have sex on Sunday night and I just passed out because I was so tired. That's pretty much never happened to me before and it sucks because it hasn't been all that frequently lately that she says she wants to have sex. But it's like she is more interested in me now because I have so much going on and I don't really have all that much time for her. I don't get it but at least I just don't really have time to think about it.

So yeah, if anyone has invented a way to make time stop so that I can get all my stuff done (or even have time to eat) please let me know. Otherwise, it seems like almost everything I love is getting pushed to the side so I can get school work done. Maybe I'll get a break for next weekend since my tests will be over and I'll actually get to enjoy rugby and stuff. Today I'm going to watch a game at the stadium, there are 2 games this weekend but I can only watch 1 because I need to keep studying and since our actual game is tomorrow and I won't be able to study then I need to get it done today.

I can't believe I've signed up for another 3 years of this. At least I think next semester will be better since it's a couple of repeat classes. But after that, fuck, it's going to be hard. I know, it's my own fault, I sgned up for this all on my own, and I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn't realize it was going to consume every free moment of my time and some moments that aren't free. I really wish I didn't have to scale back rugby so much because that is my release, but at least we have a game tomorrow. No idea how much I'll actually play since I haven't been to practice and there are 2 new girls who don't get told they're too skinny to prop. Oh well, hopefully I can at least get to play a half.

Fuck this is crazy. At least I don't want to jump off a bridge today. Wish I could have slept longer but I passed out early last night so at least I can get some studying in before the girls get here for the game.

Just when it was going so well...

The shit hits the fan. As usual, or at least as what usually happens with kc and me. As we all know, I'm kind of a super horny girl. That's not my fault! But apparently, I'm just not dominating enough for kc. She says that she has or is having or what the fuck ever a mental block about having sex with me.

Again with the I'm such a good girlfriend and we have a great emotional connection and that part of our relationship is just so fucking perfect, that of course something has to be wrong because she doesn't want to have sex with me. The kicker is that on Friday night when we were having dinner she said that I should be secure with our relationship and not worry. Not fucking worry?!?! How the hell am I supposed to not worry when the very next day she tells me that she can't be in a sexless relationship and that every time we have sex she gets some delusional idea that I have expectations.

Expectations of what? The only expectations that I have are that she is honest with me and treats me well. Hardly unrealistic expectations. It's not like I want to move in or get married, and I'm pretty sure that I have stated that on more than one occasion. Unless she thinks that I have some kind of hidden agenda which I don't. If I had wanted any of that stuff from our relationship it would have been over long ago.

So now I get to hang out in fucking limbo again waiting for her to decide if she wants to break my heart again. It's like what the hell? Last weekend we had a good weekend, a little rocky when she didn't want to have sex and made me cry. But then we started talking about stuff, played a little truth or dare, which was more like truth. She told me she loves me and adores me, and yes she used the love word. I told her that I didn't expect her to say that a lot and that I always just thought that it was kind of an unspoken thing with us, that we each knew it but it didn't have to be said for it to be known. And she agreed.

And now this fucking shit about I can't be in a sexless relationship and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. I know it's not fucking fair to me. I have been nothing but fun and a great person to be with (once I got over all the ex shit). I give her little surprises and treats, mail her fun things, things that I wish she would do for me but never gets the hint. Apparently I have a submissive side that comes out after we have sex and it's causing her to have some mental block against having sex with me.

Is me being slightly submissive really a deal-breaker for her? I've told her that if she wants to get my dominant side she has to build and create an environment that will allow me to be able to do that. I need to trust that if I do something like that that she is going to go along and actually want to have sex and be into it. How the fuck am I supposed to get into my dominant mood when I can't even get her in the mood? I mean, I'm always in the mood. Well, almost always, right now it's a little skewed because I haven't been getting any on a regular basis.

Although apparently she won't mind if I sleep with someone else as long as she doesn't know about it. Apparently I didn't hide it well enough when I slept with rc. And then she freaked the fuck out and then a week later she wanted to be with me but without expectations. And then it was too much again. And then she wanted to be able to sleep with me without expectations. Apparently because I would feel guilty if I slept with someone else that means I have expectations.

I just really don't fucking get her. It's almost as if she is sabotaging the relationship because of who the fuck knows what. She did tell me when I first met her that she usually has a 1-2 year time limit on relationships. I mean is she getting the 2 year itch early? Did some past relationship fuck her up so much that she thinks that all girls have expectations? I know that the reason she doesn't want anyone to move in is because of some girl she moved in with a long time ago. Since then she has broken up with girls if they ask to move in.

First off, I don't want to live in her house. I like my house. Her house is where I go when I want to put a little crazy in my life. There are always people coming and going and it's just a sporadic environment. I like hanging out there but in no way would I want to live there. I like the quiet stability of my house. I like the peacefulness and serenity of my house.

Next, I'm not looking to get married. Does she think I have some hidden agenda to trap her? She has mentioned that if she's in a relationship with me she loses her freedom. Where the hell did she get that? I am not some psycho controlling girlfriend who wants to keep track of her every move. I don't keep her from hanging out with her friends. I encourage it because I don't want some controlling girlfriend questioning where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't fucking know. I just wish that she would figure out what the fuck is going on in her head that is keeping me from getting laid and just relaxing and having fun. Because after she puts me through this and we keep hanging out and then things are good she is going to want to sleep together again after she realizes that I am a great girlfriend and I don't have any expectations.

Social Dissent - How The Little Mermaid Is Corrupting Children

So since I don't really have any bitching to do about my life, and I enjoy getting fired up every now and again, I'm going to start posting some smartass sarcastic observations that I've made.

A few weeks ago I went to visit some friends and in the morning we had a little wake and bake and watched The Little Mermaid. Yes, the Disney classic, if classic is the right word. And I noticed something incredibly disturbing about that movie.

In what world would it be okay to let a child (ok, I guess child is the wrong word, in the book she's supposed to be 16), or teenager for that matter, think that it is perfectly acceptable to completely give up your identity to go after some guy that you've met once and have never spoken to?

Seriously. This girl is 16-years-old, she is allowed to roam free (ok yeah I know, it was under the sea, but come on) with no rules or curfew, only the knowledge that she can't talk to humans and she has to obey her father. But she doesn't.

So what does she do when she meets a guy and falls instantly in love with him? She does some drugs, given to her by some seedy woman who of course makes her trade something valuable for it. She gives up her voice, one of her biggest assets, and then she is willing to give up the life she has for a guy she hasn't even talked to.

And where does this get her? Rock bottom...literally. Well, not her, her father when the seedy woman comes to collect and turns her father into a wallowing soul on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Then the movie has the audacity to have a happy ending just further proving that if you disobey your parents and are willing to give up your identity you will live happily ever after. Who the fuck are they kidding? If you take away the cartoon Disney fascade you'd have the makings of an after school special warning kids to not take drugs and act impulsively. Of course in the after school special the girl would probably get pregnant and the guy would leave her as soon as he found out. But in the Disney version everything ends up all hunky dorey, her father is happy, the seedy woman is killed, and the girl gets what she wants.

Should we really condone this sort of behavior to children? Of course, children don't see it this way. Children watching this movie just hear the songs, some might be scared of the seedy woman, and think that in the end, everything will be alright. They will grow up, meet someone, fall instantly in love, maybe have a few troubles, but if they are persistent or run away their parents will simply go along with what they want.

Crazy Busy

So, in my quest to do everything I wanted to do this summer, I may have bit off more than I can chew. My French class is going great. Tomorrow is the last day of summer 7's. Saturday is the NA4 rugby championships so the girls will be partying at my house all day and then we're going to watch the games at night.

But...I've been spending the last 2 weeks studying, feeling like I'm getting nowhere with it, and that I'm going to basically have to repeat all of the major chemistry classes I took in college so that I can start the master's program. I know I want to go back to school, I just didn't realize that all of this prep work was going to have to be condensed into such a short amount of time.

Luckily my mom doesn't throw anything away so she is mailing me all my college notes that she could find. But I'm still freaking out. I have to take 1 test every day next week. I have to leave work early at 2:30pm so I can take the test from 3:30-5:30pm. And then go home and keep studying for the test that is the next day.

Plus kc went to CA to visit her family so she asked me to look after her house since her roommate isn't that reliable. But she is flying me out to San Francisco to visit her next Thursday for the weekend. So next Thursday is going to be ridiculously crazy. I'll have to go to work early, leave to take the test, meet with the professor afterward to discuss what classes I can take since I don't find out my exam scores until after I take all of them. Then run to kc's house and water the garden and check on the kitties and then head to the airport. Hopefully I'll have time to squeeze in a shower because I hate flying dirty even though I always feel gross after I get off an airplane.

It'll be a fun weekend though. We're getting a hotel room on Thursday night since I don't get in until around midnight or so. And I've never been to SF before so that will be fun. My French teacher said I had to write a story about what I did since I'll be missing class but that will be fun. And I borrowed the 3 Musketeers in French from the library so I could get a little more exposure. That'll be my book for the airplane.

So yeah, crazy busy shit going on. Time to crack open my organic chemistry book again and see how much I can get done tonight before I pass out. I should probably cook some dinner sometime too since I'm starving. Although my stomach has been all fucked up for the last couple of days and I'm breaking out like mad because of the stress. I shouldn't stress but I just can't help it. At least I'm not having any stress with kc because I don't think I could handle having any more stress. Hopefully none of the rugby girls get into any drama this weekend.

Suppose I should get my ass in gear for another long night of reading chemistry...oh so fun. Looks like a bowl of cereal it is going to be for dinner. Or maybe I'll grill up a turkey burger, those are pretty quick to make too. Fuck, I just don't know which direction to go in. Ok, food first then studying.

Surprises

Why do I still get surprised when things are good with me and kc for more than a month? It's like, I don't expect them to stay that way because something always gets messed up. But I'm doing my best to keep that feeling in check.

I shouldn't be surprised. I should be happy that things have finally gotten to the point that we're communicating really well and we're excited to see each other and she still wants sex, although I think that her recreational use affects that slightly.

She knows it does, but, I mean, as long as I'm still getting it I really don't care how much she smokes. It's not like I'm in charge of her life. She does what she wants, so do I.

Last night I decided to go visit some girls on the rugby team that I hadn't seen in a while. kc and I are supposed to be going camping tonight and climbing a 14er tomorrow. It was very sweet that she wanted to climb this one with just me. We'll climb the other ones with our friends later but she actually said she wanted to do it with just me.

Usually she's always down for inviting other people so it was definitely a good change of pace that she wanted to spend the time with just me. Especially considering that one of my biggest complaints from before was that I never got enough alone time with her.

And, for the last week or so, when she sends me an e-mail she's been signing it love, k. And I will NOT overthink and overanalyze this. It's special and that's all and that's all I'm going to think about it. I'm not going to push for some sort of verbal confirmation that what she is writing is what she is actually feeling.

Last Friday when I went out for happy hour with some friends she came to pick me up because I told her I probably shouldn't drive. I felt bad because she had to leave a party to come and get me, although we did end up going back to the party after, and she said it was ok, it's something that girlfriends do for each other.

So the love and girlfriend thing is a good. I'm enjoying my time and my days and it's working out well for us right now. I think that all the shit that we've been through we had to go through because it got us to where we are now. So I'm just going to remain calm and happy and go with it because that's the best thing to do.

Long Time

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had an evening where I can just sit here and give an update about me. Life has been crazy busy lately. Summer 7's is in full swing and my French class has been going on for a couple weeks now.

It's been nice being busy. I like it. Keeps me from overthinking things. Which, I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Just been relaxed and doing what I want to do. So far my idea of having a selfish summer has worked out well. A few weeks ago I went out on my friend j's boat, went wakeboarding for the first time. That was so much fun! But holy shit does it work your muscles. My back was sore for a couple days, but hopefully I'll have another couple free weekends to go out again and try it.

For the 4th of July kc was out of town (not that that mattered) but I wanted to climb a couple 14ers. Drove up to the mountain after class and slept in my car in the parking lot. It's actually pretty comfy with the back seats folded down flat. It was a really gorgeous day, not nearly as bad weather as the last time I climbed that mountain. I had to do both of them because the last time I went up there with the ex her and her sister wimped out of doing the 2nd one and then talked me out of doing it by myself. kc was a little worried about me doing them by myself but I wasn't, they're pretty heavily trafficed mountains so if something did happen there was plenty of other people around. It was great to just get out there and do it myself and know that I could do it myself.

Then this past weekend there was an event at the Botanic Gardens through my French class. It was catered by 6 different French restaurants in town with tons of food and wine. I took kc to it as a surprise and she really liked it. The gardens were closed off to the public so we had the whole place to ourselves. We got to wander around with food and wine and look at the pretty flowers and all the displays, it was really peaceful and fun. I even tried escargo! I was a little worried about how it would taste since I don't like clams because of their squishy bellies. But it was inside a pastry and had this delicious sauce and I liked it!

I think this weekend kc and I are going to climb another 14er. Some of my friends want to join us when we do one but kc wants to do this one with just me. Should be fun, get to do another hike, think we're going to just sleep in the back of my car like I did before. And then in a couple weeks I think I'll go with my friends to do the other ones that I want. It's cool because the ones I did on the 4th you can do 2 in one day and the ones I'll do with my friends you can do 3 in one day.

Then in a couple weeks I'm going to San Francisco to meet kc for the weekend. She is going to go out there for a week and see her family and then she's flying me out there to visit her for the last weekend. Some friends of hers moved to a town right near San Francisco so we're going to visit and stay with them.

I got my application done for the masters program so hopefully I'll be able to start that in the fall. I ordered my transcripts from college today and I just have to mail out my recommendations and a check for the processing fee tomorrow and I should be all good.

I think this sense of independence and doing what I want to do is actually helping my relationship with kc. Things have been good with us for the last month. She is excited about seeing me and we have stuff to talk about, not just stuff she's doing but stuff I'm doing. And she wants me to practice my french that I'm learning with her.

I'm really liking this class. It's definitely hard, there is just so much to learn, but it's a total perk that my teacher is hot. I've never had a hot teacher before. And now I get to add studying for the tests I'll have to take for grad school to what I get to do at night when I'm at home. So, have no fear, I'll keep updating this thing but probably not as frequently as I normally would.

As for work...whatever. It's a job. Totally unsatisfying and fairly boring. It would be cool if I could go to China sometime but it's okay, I'll make it there someday. They keep wanting me to get involved in all of these things that I have absolutely no idea about. I don't think my boss realizes that I'm not a fucking accountant...I'm a scientist. If he wants me to make sure they are environmentally compliant with everything and talk to them about all this stuff great, I can do that. But he wants me to keep track of this shipping stuff and talk to people about orders they are placing. It's not really all that hard, it's just shit I've never done before.

So that's the lowdown on what's been going on with me. Life is good and busy. My selfish summer is paying off. I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sucks that I can't do everything, if only people would schedule things on weekends and evenings that I have free. But, I'm having fun and that's really all I care about.

Carousels

They go up and down and round and round...kind of like my relationship with kc. Maybe she did just have PMS last weekend when she said she didn't want to have sex with me again because she sure does now. Or maybe that's all she wants. No, that's not it. I know that she wants something with me, but it can't involve expectations.

We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.

So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.

I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.

I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.

This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.

Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.

We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.

I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.

So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.

Raining and Pouring

Fuck when it rains it pours! I mean, here I am unemployed for 3 months, I finally get a job and now I'm getting letters and phone calls about other jobs. Seriously? This company is great and all but it's not my dream job. I do quality for a company that imports baby clothes. I'm the person who makes sure that there isn't anything that the kid can pull off and choke on...yes, you heard me.

The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.

And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.

I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.

On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.

Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.

I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.

And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.

Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.

I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.

Has it been that long?

Damn, life comes at you fast, just like the commercial says. LOTS of new things in my life. So let's start with the obvious...my employment. As a requirement for my unemployment I have to fill out 5 job applications a week. Riiight, because 5 chemistry jobs that I'm qualified for just open up all the time. So, I've been applying to all kinds of random jobs, mostly ones that I'm either way overqualified for that don't pay shit or ones that I'm completely not qualified for just because.

So I've been doing this for the last 3 months. Last week I apply for a quality control job at this company. I just looked at the requirements and thought, well, I'm definitely not qualified, but what the fuck, I'll apply anyway. And the next day they called me for an interview! Then I actually took a look at the company's website and thought, well, they probably won't hire me because this company imports baby clothes, but what the hell, I'll go.

The interview went well enough and they seemed to like me but I just thought they were being nice. And then they called me the next day and offered me the job! And then they told me that they would pay me what I asked!

I started on Tuesday. It's definitely not my field that's for sure. But, it's a job, and one that pays well. And this just reinforces in me that I need to get my masters and teach some undergrad chemistry. I'm feeling scientific withdrawl. This job will be totally cake once I get it figured out. The people at the company are nice enough and all very willing to make sure I get help with what I don't know. And I get to travel for them. Next week I'm going to exciting Arkansas to take a tour of one of their testing labs. Eventually I'll get to go to Shanghai so that's exciting. I might see if I can make a stop in Japan for a couple days on my way home if I ever do get to take that trip.

So yay, I'm employed! Now I just need to get my application for school finished. Oh, and I signed up for this French class! It starts next month and I'm really excited for it. I really want to become fluent in another language and since I already know enough broken Spanish to get by I decided I wanted to learn French. And kc paid for the class in exchange for the home organization stuff I've been doing for her. I think it was a good tradeoff.

And in kc news I suppose we can go there. We had a good weekend last weekend, except for my drunken hysteria on Friday night. I was just so fucking angry at her and told her and freaked out on her, and the alcohol didn't help my cause. So I ended up driving home around 4:30am because I just couldn't be near her anymore. Or c, because c has a crush on kc, and is always all over her and touching her and hugging her. And kc doesn't like her like that, and I wigged out because I have heard that fucking line before. At least with a I saw it coming. And I really want to believe her, but the way she has been with me lately I guess it doesn't really matter.

She's still in her I'm too busy to hang out with you even though I have good intentions. She lost her cell phone for all of last week so we've actually been having to talk on the phone which is nice. But, fuck, I mean, for all her, we need a date, we should have sex, I miss you crap, she isn't doing a fucking thing about it. This morning she sends me a text (yeah, after a week she finally realized she was never getting her phone back and bought a new one) at 6am saying that she's finally going to bed and if I can't sleep I can come and sleep with her. Except she was going to sleep on her couch. Now, if there's just no real other choice I'll sleep on the couch, it's just been uncomfortable with my ribs because they stiffen up and I wake up in pain. And why the fuck would I leave my comfortable warm bed that I've been sleeping in all night to go lay on a couch that would make me uncomfortable?

I don't know. I told her I was having an argument in my head (which has apparently become code for, I've got some shit to talk to you about). Lately, I just keep playing these scenarios out in my head, arguments between us, and seeing how they would go in an effort to find the best way to tell her stuff. So far it's working, and it's definitely better than a drunken hysterical evening exploding on her.

So, that's what's been going on lately. Today I have to go get the other half of my curtains. I decided to hang some curtains in my bedroom to cut down on the morning light so I could sleep late. Except that it didn't say on the fucking package that it only contained half of the curtains. I suppose they're the first nice thing I've bought for my house since I moved in (aside from the couch) so I didn't mind paying what I did for them. I'm just pissed that the curtain was only big enough for half the window. So now I have go to back to the store today and get the other half. And I got a coupon for a free memory foam pillow when I moved in, that thankfully doesn't have an expiration date, so I'm going to pick that up today. Why the hell not, I shouldn't bend my schedule or what I want to do because kc can't make any fucking time to spend with me.

And at least last weekend I wasn't really worried about it. I had a ton of stuff to do with the rugby girls and it was fucking fun. We worked the beer tent at the festival and I spent most of the weekend with them. Plus kc's mom was in town so I got to see her, and cousin g was here.

Well, now it's Saturday morning. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, finish some laundry (that got neglected all last weekend and has been piling up), take a shower, head over to kc's to see if she wants to go to the store with me, and then do some shit. Maybe I'll lay out on the lawn and work on my tan. I definitely need to clean out my car. There is a show tonight that I might go to that sounds like it'll be fun. So I've got some stuff on my plate to do today whether or not kc actually wants to spend some time with me.

Missing me

Well, I guess patience has its virtues. I have barely seen kc in the past few weeks because she's been busy with school and stuff. So I decided to just give her her space and let her miss me. And I guess she has.

She asked me what I was doing later last night because she wanted to come over and sleep at my house. Then she had a few beers and couldn't drive. So this afternoon she called me saying she had to go to town to do some stuff and since I was going also did I want to meet up later? She said she missed me, feels like she hasn't seen me in forever, which she hasn't. So I guess letting her figure it out on her own was the way to go.

I mean, it sucks, it was kind of agonizing letting her realize it, but I guess the bright side is that she did realize it. And actually hearing her say it (yes, she called instead of texted me like she usually does) was really nice. She said she felt like she hadn't seen me in forever. Which in all actuality she hasn't.

So, I guess it's not all bad that I gotta drive up to rugby practice (which I can't participate in) and have that meeting afterward. We're going to meet up and have a late dinner and get to snuggle and that will be nice. I mean, I'm not getting my hopes up that it will all work out, but she should be done with the project she has to do up there, so hopefully it does.

Who knows, maybe she'll actually come to my rugby tournament on Saturday. I mean, I doubt it since rc will be there, but maybe. And she is going to come over for a BBQ on Sunday with my aunts. I have to pick them up at the airport tomorrow night. I can't wait to see them. They have to be 2 of my favorite relatives that I have, 2 that I am the closest to, 2 that saved me last summer.

I was in a really bad place and I went to spend the week with them. It was just before I became homeless and while I was there was when I found out I was being laid off. I was in a bad place with kc. And I went there for a week and relaxed, unwound, got some shit together in my head, and by the time I came back here I was feeling so much more better. My outlook on life had greatly improved. So I really can't wait to see them!

Looks like it should be a good weekend. My aunts get here tomorrow night, rugby tournament and flip cup tournament on Saturday, BBQ with kc and my aunts on Sunday, and then a day to do whatever with my aunts on Monday. I can't wait!

What about me?

I swear, it's like I feel like I have to suppress shit that I don't want to, and all because kc is busy. I know she's fucking busy, she always is. I know I'm unemployed and have way more free time than I normally do. At least my ribs are better. I can't go running yet (found that out when I tried to run across the street in an effort to avoid being run over by a car) but at least I can ride the bike at the gym. And I did go for a 2 hour nature walk down the trail today.

At least her finals are over on Wednesday. And then maybe I won't get pushed to the backburner. Maybe I won't be a fucking after thought. It's like, do I need to remind her of the conversation we had when everything went down last month? Do I have to tell her that if she can't express her feelings towards me physically then she has to do it verbally? I mean, I don't need verbal, although it would be nice, but if I can't have physical can I have something?

Maybe I'm just feeling super horny right now. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just the month of May that, looking back through last year's entries, seems just to be a bad month for us. I mean, I realize that I can't be dependent upon kc to fill my time, but is it so bad that I want a little time? Fuck, this just seems like it is my usual complaint. It's always time.

It's just that I feel like it's always that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine or something. A couple weeks ago I was sleeping at her house and she came to bed around 2am and we started making out but nope, can't have sex because she has to get up and work on a school project. Except that I can remember countless evenings where I'd go to bed around 11pm since I had to get up for work at 4:45am, and she'd wake me up for sex around 1am. And I'd do it, because, well, I love sex, and I understand what happens to a relationship when you're not getting any. But her reasoning was that she had to focus on school, that it took more brainpower than just sitting at work for 10 hours.

Although, I don't know, I don't like to make excuses. I did rip on her about it and I've talked to her about it, I'm just bitching about it now. Probably because I'm super horny. I mean, I've cut her some slack, I know how much school sucks. But her time management skills aren't exactly stellar. But, whatever. I mean, I knew Wednesday was her last day of class and I still made plans to have lunch with rc. Gotta pay up on the bet I lost and she's got a case of Magic Hat sitting at her house waiting for me.

Maybe I can get kc to actually want to take me on a date Thursday night. I got a call from the comedy place today that they had drawn my name and I won some free tickets to the show on Thursday night, so maybe I can get her to commit to something instead of just waiting for the day of. She did make plans to hang with my aunts on Sunday when they come to visit this weekend so that's progress. And she did follow through with the plans to meet my parents so that's good.

Guess it is just lack of sex that is getting to me right now. And possibly PMS. Okay, yeah, there's definitely some PMS in there. Or maybe I should stop watching Sex and the City. Fuck. I don't know. At least I did something today, I went for a 2 hour long nature walk and took pictures. Then it started raining and thundering and getting all blustery when I got home so at least I got out before the weather got bad. And tomorrow I have to drive to the doctor again before practice. For the last 3 weeks I've been going to see this doctor who is treating my rib injury. And the only reason I have been is because he is treating me for free since I have no insurance.

Damn, I need a fucking job. This is ridiculous, 3 months now I've been unemployed. I'm either comletely over- or under-qualified for every job I apply for. Or they pick someone else. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's like I can't win. On a brighter note, I am going to sign up for this French class that starts next month. I want to learn how to speak French. I would just love to be fluent in another language. I mean, I took 4 years of Spanish in high school, and I remember enough of it to get by, but there is just something about French that makes me want to learn it.

And I did get my tattoo touched up the other day. Hung out with the rugby girls on Saturday and it turned into a big party at my house in the afternoon then we closed down the bar later. We played some croquet on the lawn, which sr and the rest of the girls have now taken to calling the grassy knoll. So at least I'm getting out there. And being able to go to the gym again has been good. There's just something about being able to work up a good sweat that makes me feel immensely better. I wish I could tackle and play in our tournament this weekend especially because my aunts are coming to visit and watch, but it's okay. I should be good enough to play again by summer 7's although I have made a goal of trying to put on 5lbs of muscle weight before next fall.

So at least I'm not spending everyday holed up in my house. It just sucks because I could be backpacking but my ribs hurt too much. I could go hiking more but I can't really afford the gas to fill up my car all that much. But, I think I'm going to make it my goal to get out onto the trail at least 2 or 3 times a week. There's a lot of it to explore. And I can bike, walk, or rollerblade the whole thing. Plus once I can handle bumps I can start riding my bike around town, although I could also just walk since that is better exercise than sitting on my ass on my couch.

My sister has a demon

So my parents were here this weekend. My sister came out too. I had been hearing from my dad and stepmom how bad her drinking was getting but I didn't really believe it. Until I saw her.

She got a bottle of rum at the liquor store and we got some beers, usual standfare for when my family is in town. Then we get back to my house. We had plans to have dinner, my parents got to meet kc, and then watch a show afterward. My sister managed to polish off what was left in my bottle of vodka, drinking it straight and warm which is even more gross, and then proceeded to hit her bottle of rum. But she had already had a few drinks on the airplane and blacked out, shoveled a ton of food in her mouth, and then proceeded to throw up all over my bathroom.

She of course didn't remember any of this. We were late for dinner because she wouldn't get up and shower. Then she proceeded to be a complete bitch to kc, but nice as pie to kc's neighbor who came with us. Then we go watch the show and my sister is being obnoxious during the show wanting me to go to the bar and get her another drink. Like she couldn't get off her ass and get it. She had also been demanding and wanting me to wait on her hand and foot, even though I busted my ribs in my rugby game last Saturday and it hurts to make basically any movement.

Then she made me let her sleep in my car for the 2nd half of the show. We get back home and she proceeds to get pissed at me for not letting her sleep in my bed. I had told her a while back that she could and then I hurt my ribs. I've got myself propped up on all my pillows and sleeping in the middle of my bed. She had been jumping on me all day and I was in a lot of pain and sure as fuck didn't want her in my bed.

So Sunday I made everyone homemade waffles for breakfast and then we were going to go to town and walk around the outdoor mall and have a yummy dinner and then sis had been talking about riding the mechanical bull for the last 3 weeks. Except, during breakfast she was sneaking into the kitchen to hit her bottle of rum, drinking it straight out of the bottle. She thought she was being sneaky except we all knew what was going on.

She was plastered and passed out by noon. She went on a tirade against me and my mom calling us some very angry names because we wanted her to get up and go with us. So we left without her. And basically avoided talking about the elephant in the room for the rest of the day.

When we got home a few hours later she was still passed out on the couch, didn't hear us come in, barely moved all evening. Then she was hungover and annoying the next morning. We were going to go to the Botanic Gardens and have lunch at Hooters but didn't end up leaving the house until 3pm and then she had to eat first. And then made me drop her off at home when we got done eating because she just needed to take another nap.

I also caught her trying to stick her finger down her throat to vomit off my porch. And considering she didn't remember vomiting all over my bathroom the day before, and my neighbors porch below goes out further than mine, I sure as hell wasn't going to let her do that. Not to mention that I would have had to clean it up and we had already cleaned up enough the day before. And since my bathroom is near my bedroom I could hear her vomiting the night she polished off the rest of her rum, the rest of my bottle of Captain, half a bottle of wine I had leftover, and who knows how much of another bottle of rum I had.

She drinks and then binge eats and then feels guilty and makes herself throw up. She was complaining all weekend about how skinny I was and calling herself fat, which she isn't. Her self-esteem is in the drain. And I have no fucking clue how to help her. When she almost got a 2 month jail sentence for her 2nd DUI, she didn't talk to me for a month or so because she got mad at me for suggesting she attend some AA meetings while she was in prison.

My whole family is at a loss as to what to do about it. She can't go on drinking like she is. It's only a matter of time before she gets behind the wheel again. Her boyfriend is no help, he drinks with her and doesn't do anything to try and curb her behavior. Not that you could ever do anything to control my sister, she doesn't have the nickname princess for nothing.

She has been a spoiled brat since we were kids. When it snowed my mom would wake me up to help her shovel the driveway while princess slept. She has always been catered to. And then when she hit high school she started getting all kinds of attention from boys. Boys who would ask me for my number so they could call my sister, tell me that she's so hot and we look nothing alike, or tell me they just want to fuck her. That last one almost got me into a fistfight with a guy.

When she graduated she followed a guy to Florida, where once they broke up she got fake boobs and started bartending. I think that's when her drinking really started to pick up. I mean, I'm no saint, I have done and still do my share of partying. But I'm not drinking a bottle of rum in one day and I'm not sneaking it. I take a cab or have a DD. And I hate vomiting so I don't drink to that point.

Her drinking has just gotten out of hand now. I guess I just didn't want to believe that it was as bad as it is. She kept pushing for me to buy baseball tickets in July, but right now I just don't think I can spend any more time with her. I know that I need to say something to her, which I know will result in her not talking to me for a long time, I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what to say to her. She is in complete denial about her problem, doesn't think there is one, is very defensive about it. Except she's a lousy drunk, she gets angry and mean (and then apologizes when she sobers up, if she remembers even doing it), and it makes me not want to be near her. Our whole family doesn't want to be near her.

So yeah, my visit with my family had its ups and downs. I had a good time separately with my parents. And kc got to meet them at dinner and the show. We were talking about my sister last night and she apparently said something to kc at dinner, on top of just being a general bitch to her. I should have kept her as far away from my sister as possible except they got there before us. But, kc did like my parents I think, and at least she doesn't think that I'm anything like my sister.

Bothered...

But I shouldn't be. I'm not a fucking hypocrit. It would be hypocritical of me to say that I don't want her to hang out with t considering that I see rc a few times a week for rugby practice. And I know that I shouldn't be worried, and kc has told me that I shouldn't be worried.

But I am. Maybe worried isn't the right word. Just aprehensive. I shouldn't be. And it's not like I don't have plans for dinner with rc when she gets back from her vacation. I did lose the bet on the Red Sox/Yankees game so I have to cook her dinner. And rc is bringing me back some special beers for when we have dinner. So why is it bothering me that kc is hanging out with t?

I wonder if kc has the same feelings whenever I go to rugby practice. I wonder if she thinks the same thing every time I make plans to carpool with rc. I'm not sure if I hope she does or not. It's not like I don't trust her and it's not like she can't trust me, it's just that I don't think I could handle the immense amount of pain I would feel if anything were to happen.

She said I don't have anything to worry about. I don't. Guess I was just looking forward to a little snuggle time and maybe some good lovin'. I love sleeping with her and feeling her next to me. Maybe she'll sneak over tonight when she gets done. And some other kid from her class was going over to her house too to work on whatever project it is that she's working on.

Who knows. I don't know why this is fucking with my head so much. I know she wants to be with me, that's what she realized after she fucked this girl. And even weirder was that at the rugby tournament this weekend she ended up playing a game with my team because we were short players. Funny part was she didn't realize who I was until I congratulated her for a good play. She was like, thanks, I'm t. I was like, hi, I'm h. Then she had this knowing look on her face.

It was definitely a little weird but kind of funny. And it's not like I would be outrightly hostile toward her, my sportsmanship is more than that. And for those of us who actually play the sport, or I guess any sport, there's this kind of understanding. I was definitely uncomfortable at first just seeing her there, but then she got recruited to play a game with us and I was fine. Guess it's just the whole her hanging out at kc's house thing that is getting to me.

I don't fucking know. Maybe it's the beers I've been drinking all afternoon that aren't helping my outlook on things. It was a really nice day out today, I got to wear my new cute skirt I got in Ireland, and I was having a good day. Maybe it's my anxiety about getting a job that is rolling over into other parts of my life. Maybe it's the intense boredom that is sinking in with each day that I'm unemployed. Who would have thought that I would like working this much. It's not like I have all that many errands to run, I got everything I needed to do this week done in 2 hours today. What the fuck else am I supposed to do with my time?

Today I got a bunch of books from the library on inorganic chemistry. I want to wow them with my eagerness and knowledge if I do get called back for another interview. But seriously...do I seem like the kind of person who reads up on inorganic radioactive chemistry for fun? I've read more books in the past couple months than I did all last year. All my friends work. I look forward to rugby practice and games because it gets me out of my house and let's me see my friends. I don't have any money to go and do fun things because of my unemployment. At least if it's nice out tomorrow I can ride my bike around town.

Maybe it's boredom that is allowing my brain to run amok with this shit. I need something to occupy my time so my head doesn't think about kc hanging out with t at her house. Although, at this time of night even if I was working I would still be home and relaxing in my pj's and probably having the same shit go through my head. Fuck. Maybe kc will come over tonight. I'm certainly not going to her house, it's almost fucking midnight. Although time doesn't seem to bother her when she's crawling into my bed at 3am.

I need to make my brain shut off. Time to slip into my pj's and crawl into bed with my book. Who knows what time I'll actually fucking end up sleeping, but it's not like I have to set an alarm to get up for work in the morning.

Good Day Together

Well, things are off to a good re-start with kc and I. The week has been well and yesterday was a really good day. It got off to a rocky start when I woke up at kc's house. Still a little troubled about what happened with her and t and I had had some weird dream that people were at my funeral and I just kept seeing faces. Anyway, you know how sometimes you go somewhere and you just get this feeling? Well, I just woke up with this feeling, like a haunted tortured feeling.

At least I told kc about it. So we had a nice snuggle in the morning and by the time we got out of bed and got ready to run errands I was feeling better. We had to stop by the library and then go to my house so that I could call the guy I interviewed with last week. He said they haven't made a decision yet and that I might get called back next week for another interview. It's basically between me and one other person and he said I was a really strong candidate so let's hope it all works out.

So then kc and I went for a drive to look at lava rock for a wall in her backyard. Being unemployed really only has 1 perk, I can do whatever I want during the day. But, at least kc let me get my stuff done first before we went and did her stuff. So we drove around a ton and then her car started making these weird noises. We had to stop at an auto parts store and while she was in the store I went to the liquor store and got a couple 6-packs. So I was drinking a beer in the parking lot while she was working on her car, it was pretty funny. Oh, and I was reading one of my chemistry books to bone up on some stuff in case I do get called back for another interview. It was definitely a funny sight.

Then we drove around to all this art around downtown and took pictures for one of her school projects. We just had a fun time laughing and giggling and it was a really good afternoon. We also got to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. So yeah, it was a really good day. I missed laughing and giggling with her and kissing her whenever I want.

And I definitely felt more comfortable sleeping there last night. Today went and watched rugby with one of my friends at the stadium so that kc could get some school work done. At least her roommates are gone today so she has the house to herself so she can concentrate. Sometimes she just gets really bogged down with it. I understand about that, I had a ridiculous amount of work when I was in school. And I don't want her to think that I'm distracting her and I know if I was hanging out there I would be distracting her from getting done what she needs to do. This way if she gets it done then she won't be occupied when we do hang out.

Plus, we have spent a ton of time together this week. At least I get to go play some rugby tomorrow and hopefully I find out about this job soon. I would really love for them to call me early in the week and say they want to hire me. I'm starting to get anxious and worried about finding work and right now this is my best opportunity. Plus it's a job that I would be really good at and it doesn't seem like it will be mindless work like my last job.

Things are looking up for me and once I get this job and get a steady paycheck again I'll be a lot happier and more relaxed. I'm really enjoying spending time with kc. And rugby is in full swing. So it's a good time in life for me right now. I just want to keep smiling and laughing and having a good time.

Apologies and Acceptance

So apparently drunk texting isn't the worst thing in the world for me. I went to Houston on Friday for a rugby tournament. I screwed up my shins, they look like I got run over by a car, and I messed up my pinky on my left hand. It sure doesn't move. Practice should be fun today.


Anyway, I sent kc a drunk text on Saturday night. And she said that she was confused and freaked out about what had happened and was really unsure why she was reacting this way. On Sunday went to the beach with some of the rugby girls since we had the late flight out and when I checked my phone I had 3 texts from kc. She was all kinds of concerned about my relationship with rc and wondering what was going to happen there.


But I talked to rc on Friday before I left and we're cool with things. Not going to sleep together again, just be good friends, kind of like my friend from high school. We ended up sleeping together after mm and I broke up and then we realized that we just didn't have that kind of a connection, that we were just meant to be really good friends. Same thing with rc, plus she said she's still messed up about her ex, and she is basically in the same place in life I was last year after al and I broke up.


So I told kc that we were just friends and then asked her what was up with her and t. She said that she couldn't be with her, she has some serious issues (which I would have thought would have made her not want to fuck her in the first place), and can't be with her like that.


We ended up having a text-a-thon for about 3 hours until I had to get on my flight. When I got home I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about and she said yes but that it was a conversation that would be better had in person. So I told her that I was home and in my pj's and if she wanted to come over. She said she had some schoolwork to do and stuff to do around the house but she'd see. I just told her to text me whenever she was done to see if I was still awake.

By 1am when I hadn't heard from her I just went to bed, figured she'd text me the next day. And then I get woken up by her climbing into my bed at 3am. She didn't say anything, I think the only thing I said was what are you doing here. We woke up in the morning and she asked if I had any questions.

Umm yeah, why are you climbing into my bed at 3am? I just asked her what the idea was that she had. We got into this long discussion about gestures of love, I made her apologize for the way she treated me, told her things have to be different. She said that she wanted to have sex with me again, that she had been thinking about it for a while. I told her I was a little hesitant because I don't want to have what happened last time happen again. I told her I need her to be able to verbally express to me about how she feels about me so that I don't withdraw. She doesn't want me to withdraw again. This is basically the last chance for both of us. If it doesn't work out this time it never will.

So, I guess we're back together again. We're at least having incredibly hot sex again. Damn I missed that. She's spent every night this week with me. I told her I'm still a little unsure about going to her house. At least my house is untainted. I told her she should buy a new bed. She said she was thinking about it, that once she figures out if her roof is leaking above her bedroom and gets the wall fixed that that was something she was going to buy.

And at least now when I sleep next to her I can touch her and kiss her and rub her and turn her on and not feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't have to feel like I have to hold back. And we both agree that as long as we remain open and communicative that things should work out. I'm happy and excited. And I really want things to work. I just have to remember to call her on her shit and tell her when she's being a pain in my ass. I have had the last 4 months to work on that and I think I'm doing pretty well at it since I got used to doing it when we weren't together.

fucked up

Well, the shit hit the fan with kc. I spent Sunday laying on my couch recovering from my rugby game and texting my cute new little rookie, we'll just call her rc; and texting kc. I was certainly doing a little word play flirting with rc just to kind of feel out the situation because I wasn't really sure about what was going on since our ridiculous make-out session Saturday night. We made plans to have lunch on Tuesday and then carpool to rugby practice together.

Except, we drank a bottle of wine at lunch and then just kept drinking and bailed on going to rugby practice. But, kc called me while we were eating lunch and I answered the phone as usual, except she thinks I was talking to her like I talk to al on the phone. rc and I played some strip pool (which I kept losing) and were having a great time making out and flirting and being playful. Then her roommate came home and we all hung out and it was fun.

And then we ended up having sex later in the evening. It was fun and a good time and I would like for it to happen again. Except that kc had called me around midnight to ask me to call her in the morning to wake her up for class and I didn't get the message until this morning. So I stopped by her house this afternoon to give her her phone charger back and the Guinness glass I had got for her in Ireland and just hang out and talk.

So I was hanging out at her house and she got home from class. She was a little distant and then got upset at me for how I had answered the phone yesterday. Then she seemed to get over it and we were talking and I went with her to the library to get some movie she had to watch for her class. We get back from the library and all of a sudden she starts grilling me about what I was doing yesterday and about rc. Then she asks me if I like her in a sexual way and I'm not going to lie so I said yes. Then she asked if I fucked her last night, and, I'm not going to lie, so I said yes. To which she started yelling at me to get out of her house.

Then she texts me that she fucked t on Monday night and that she didn't want to talk to me. I'm just stunned. Not more than an hour before we were having a conversation about how she doesn't want to lose the special relationship that we have. What the fuck? Suddenly it's all different because I slept with someone else, but it doesn't matter that she did too?

She was all, I bet you fucked her Saturday night too after your rugby game. I told her I didn't. She was just all angry and mad at me and all this after she said she didn't want things to be different with us. I mean, I told her a long time ago that if she fucked someone else I would not be okay with snuggling with her. So it really doesn't matter that I had sex with rc, because she had already fucked t, and the outcome would have been the same if I had never slept with rc.

I mean, I just don't fucking get her. All this because she thinks I answered the phone and talked to her like she was just any regular person and not kc. Seriously, did she want me to wait around forever for her to redevelop the desire to fuck me? If she could have just fucked me in the first place we wouldn't be having this problem. If she could have just told me how she felt about me so that I wouldn't be so fucking scared of how I felt about her or to tell her how I felt about her, we wouldn't be having this problem.

So now she's all angry, said some very hurtful things to me on the phone, and I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know, I know, I shouldn't feel this hurt considering all of the pain that she has caused me, but it doesn't change the fact that I love her and still want to have her in my life. She is always going to have a place in my heart but right now it just feels like a giant void.

And I really have no idea what is going on with rc. I laugh so much when I hang out with her. I have a ton of fun being all flirty and fun with her. She is a great kisser and fucking adorable. And we seem to have a lot in common. It's just a good time and I like being happy and I wish this whole kc thing would blow over and she would be normal. I think that really the best thing for me to do is just enjoy having a good time and not think too much about things.

I have to go out of town for a rugby tournament this weekend and rc isn't going so that will be good. I think my big hangups are that she just got out of a 4 year relationship not that long ago and she's on my team. I think though that if we keep having this much fun together and just being relaxed that I could make an exception to my rule about not dating anyone on my team.

I don't know. Yesterday was such a good day. My job interview went well, I had fun flirting with rc and everything else I did with her. The job called me today while I was at the library and wanted me to send them my resume and references and asked when I'd be available to start if I were hired. I hope that's a good sign that they want to hire me. And now my head is all fucked up over this kc thing. I really just want her to get over it. It's not like I could wait around forever for her. And things change, that's life, but I don't see why she wants to cut me out of hers completely.

I mean, the only thing that I could think of is maybe she had some sort of epiphany while she was fucking t. I doubt it, I mean, for all the talking we've done things hadn't changed, so why would I think that that would happen. Or maybe it's just that suddenly she's jealous that she wouldn't be the center of my attention. Or maybe she's sad because she thinks that I won't want to spend any time with her. Who fucking knows, I know I certainly don't.

I just never thought it would play out this way. I always thought it would be her telling me she fucked someone else, which, essentially she did first anyway. And then it'd be me crying and saying that I couldn't snuggle with her. I'm sure that's how she saw it playing out too. Except, probably, in her mind I'd still want to snuggle with her, I'd just want to hear that it was a 1 time thing. And then my head would still be fucked up but at least she'd still be talking to me.

I don't fucking have any idea what to do. I guess there really isn't anything I can do except wait and see if she'll ever get over it. She already told me she was going to fuck t tonight, pretty sure she said that just to hurt me, although the way she's feeling she'd probably do it just to follow through with what she said she'd do. Who knows. From what she told me about t before, she's not someone that kc would ever want to be in a relationship with. Guess I shouldn't really think about it because it's just going to make me sick.

Not sure what I'm doing

So yeah, I did it again, sort of. We had a rugby match yesterday against BI, it should have gone a lot better than it did, but we played well. And then we started drinking. And then we drank some more. We almost kicked the keg at the field, brought it to one of the girl's house, along with a couple 30 packs and started playing some drinking games, and singing.

It was good times. Then we went to the bar...and somehow I started making out with my rookie. A lot. We made out in more locations in town then I can remember and if we had been spotted by the cops we probably would have been ticketed for any number of things including public drunkenness and possibly indecent exposure.

Thing is, it's a little different than the last time this sort of thing happened. I could totally see myself liking this girl, she is fun, a great kisser, and I had an excellent time hanging out with her. We spent all afternoon texting each other, she's going to make me dinner sometime.

I'm not sure why I'm worried about it. Maybe it's just because rugby is my sanctuary and I've got the personal rule about not dating teammates. Or maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. Who knows. I need to stop overthinking this situation and just relax and let whatever happens happen I guess.

It was a good evening. And certainly a memorable one. And it's cool because she lives down here near me and we're going to start carpooling to practice. And yeah, it was fun.

Lonely Mornings

Sometimes, I hate waking up alone. This morning was just one of those mornings that I wanted to wake up in someone's arms. Someone who wants to wake up next to me, who wants to wrap her arms around me, who wants to hold me and make me feel better. Maybe it's just this morning, maybe it's just this weekend.

My head has been a little off this weekend. I hope it's just this weekend and what this weekend signifies in my life. I hope it's just hormonal. I'm really not a big fan of waking up in the morning and feeling like this.

Most mornings I wake up feeling happy and fine, ready to face the day. This morning, I just wanted to roll over into someone's arms and have her hold me for a little while and snuggle. I wanted to make some coffee, put in some Van Morrison, open the blinds so a little sun shines in, and just lay in bed and be. And while I did get up and open the blinds and make some coffee, I'm sitting on my couch right now, alone.

Maybe it's just I wanted this Sunday morning to live up to my ideal Sunday morning scenario: waking up leisurely in bed, maybe an early morning sex session, laying my head on someone's chest, coffee brewing, light music playing, sun shining. It is just so relaxing and peaceful in my head.

Or maybe it's the single girl syndrome where all I can see are the happy couples surrounding me. Who knows? I mean, I know I'm not surrounded by happy couples everywhere, but...I just need to get this feeling out of my head. I need to go to the gym and go running and clear my head. Maybe that eye candy that was there the other day will be there. She's not really my type, kinda short (although that's never stopped me) and a little butch (which I like), but she kind of looks like a meathead, like she spends a little too much time in the gym and wouldn't be able to let loose and have a good time.

And to make matters more interesting, I had a dream the other night that I was being all flirty and stuff with sm. Even though I have no interest in dating her. And I can't let myself get into a relationship with someone I'm not interested in just because I don't want to be lonely or alone. I guess that's just the thing that I need to keep in mind when I throw myself back into the dating pool.

Weird and Interesting Things

Wow, yesterday had to have been one of the most weird and interesting days that I've had in a while. I woke up at kc's house in the morning after an evening that I'm just not really sure about. I got a knee in the head at practice that made me a little loopy and a text from kc asking if I wanted to get dinner. However, my interpretation was that it would be just us. Then I get another text saying can I go pick them up because they're intoxicated.

This annoyed me. I mean, really? You couldn't come and get me and your cousin even though we were intoxicated, but you want me to cart your fucking ass all over town to go pick up h at the bus stop, then drive back to almost my house because that's where the restaurant is, because you're intoxicated? Yeah, I'm an asshole to myself, because I didn't realize that making dinner plans would involve having to pick up h at the bus station downtown, and I was starving. So I was kind of grumpy when I got to kc's house and she has the nerve to tell me not to bring her down. Whatever.

We finally got to dinner and I began to relax. Ordered a beer and then had another one for dessert and started to unwind. Cousin g was getting totally hammered and was kind of being loud and obnoxious, but, whatever, it happens. Then we go back to my house to cg can do a shot of the Irish moonshine, and then he threw up in my kitchen sink. Surprisingly, I thought the first person to puke at my house would be either me or one of the rugby girls. Oh well, at least there weren't dishes in the sink and I have a garbage disposal.

Anyway, so I also made myself a big ole drink while we were hanging out at my house and was pretty lit after that. We went back to kc's house and had a balloon and then I passed out on the couch and woke up at 4:30am and went to bed. I have no idea what time kc actually came to bed. I also got the feeling that she didn't really want me at her house, but I asked her before I made the drink at my house and she said we'd just see how the evening went. So we both woke up hungover and took cg to the airport and then I hung out a little bit with her but she had to take people to run errands and do shit, so I just came home and took a nap.

So my day had already started off on a weird note waking up at kc's house. I wasn't exactly in a bad mood, just not feeling totally super. And it's Easter weekend and this weekend tends to fuck me up a little bit in the head. Easter was the weekend that my asshole stepdad tried to kill my mom so I tend to want to do things that clear my head on Easter. He's also the reason that I HATE country music and haven't eaten red meat in 15 years.

But, m invited to go watch this band at a bar downtown and it seemed like a good opportunity to get out of the house and meet some new people. However, m failed to mention that this band was a pretty country type band so it kind of wigged me out but I was trying to just enjoy the people watching. And they didn't play for that long so it was okay. So I hung out and had a good time and met a girl that's going to come and play rugby and then m hooked me up with a bowl for the evening.

I had a nice glow on my drive home and was just listening to some Van Morrison and was feeling really good. It was just weird, the way the whole day was. I wasn't thinking about kc at all while I was hanging out and I was okay with not going to h's birthday party. No idea what I'm going to do today, it looks crappy out and I was going to go for a run outside. Oh yeah, so I get home last night and check my e-mail and my myspace because I'm bored and wasn't sleepy. Guess who found me on myspace? My high school girlfriend, mm. It totally just threw me off, I mean, of all the random people who have found me there, I just didn't expect her to be one of them.

It's not a bad thing, just a weird thing. See? My whole day, interesting and weird. Not bad, wasn't really digging the band, but just weird. It was enjoyable though, aside from how I was feeling waking up with kc and the limited interaction I had with her, by the time I was driving home I was feeling really good. And I like that feeling, it's a great way to end a day.

cabin fever

I need to get the fuck out of my house. I went to the gym yesterday. How fucking exciting. At least I got a call from the guy today that they may have another explosives job opening up in the next week or so. He is really pushing for me to get a job at that company. I guess that's a good thing, at least someone wants me to get a job besides me. So what if he gets a finders fee, at least I get a decent paying job, so it works out in the end.

I think I would suck at being independently wealthy. I would be bored off my rocker, although at least if I was wealthy I could travel and go to exciting places and not be worrying about how much I need to raid my savings to pay my bills. Yeah, more excitement, I filed for unemployment yesterday. Except, they want you to fill out at least 5 job applications a week, yeah, because 5 chemist jobs are just opening up every week that I'm qualified for that will actually pay me somewhere near what I want.

Yesterday I tell kc that I'm starting to get cabin fever and she's all, you need to hang out with people. Um, you're the only person I know who doesn't work, besides your roommates. Everyone works...except me. At least right now. And this whole hanging out at my house thing is just making me think more.

Last week kc was all, come over, hang out, it'll be fun. Except, the more this week goes on, the more I feel like last week was really, come over, hang out, keep my cousin occupied so I can do my own shit. And h invited me to her birthday party on Friday, except I asked kc about it, and she wants to have the night to herself. Whatever, I'm going to go to the bar with m and watch this band she says is good, and maybe call kk and see if she wants to join since I haven't seen her in a while

I wonder how much physical activity we're going to do at practice today. It looks nice out, maybe I can find the trail and go for a run. As much as I hate running it at least clears out my head and after a few minutes my brain goes blank and I'm not thinking about anything except how much I hate running. And I do need to start whipping myself into shape. I would really like our team to win our friendly next weekend against BI. I think we have a shot of it. And I need to stop thinking about kc.

Bummer I'm not the least bit attracted to m, but maybe she'll have some friends with her at the bar. And there was some super butch eye candy at the gym yesterday. She was ripped, but looked a little short, however was pretty nice to look at, and well, that always makes going to the gym more pleasant. She also had some bitchin' tattoos, and well, we all know that I like tattoos. So, maybe she can be some eye candy inspiration.

Oh, and in other small world hell news...apparently one of the girls on my team used to play rugby on another team with t. And I guess after the match last Saturday t and another rookie went and partied it up with some of my girls. No idea what happened there, guess they all had a drunken good time, I'm just glad that I didn't go up there because that would have just been weird. It's like, at first I couldn't get away from d, and now I can't get away from t. At least with d it was easier to escape, she was just friends with a BI girl. However, t being friends with some of the girls on my team, fuck I sound like I'm high school.

It's just, it's like, if I'm ever to get kc out of my fucking head, I don't need all these little reminders of people that she'd like to fuck. And rugby is my sanctuary, it is the place where I can escape from my relationship hell. And this situation is getting a little too close to my sanctuary. I mean, I'm sure she's a great person, and if kc wasn't tied into this situation I'd probably have a lot of fun hanging out with her and the BI girls. But since I know that kc would totally give in to her coming onto her I can't get that out of my fucking head.

Sad part is that I've told kc that sometimes I think that she should just do it and get it over with, that it would probably make it easier for me. Of course, I also wish that the whole time she's doing it that images of me are running through her head, but that's not going to happen. But she's torn about it because she knows that I won't be around to snuggle with her and fulfill that part of her. And maybe she should have to live through that personal hell, fuck I have been, so maybe she can try and walk a mile in my shoes for a change. Maybe then she'd appreciate everything that I've gone through.

Too much time together

So yeah, I mean, I brought this up to her the other day. We have been spending a lot more time than normal together, at least for us. And kc says it's because she knows that soon enough she won't be able to snuggle with me and she wants to have snuggle time for as long as possible. Are you fucking kidding me? There was a lot more that went on in this conversation too.

We were down in the basement and I was watching her do a project and just talking to her. This was already after I had just spent an hour talking to my sister, who, as usual, never asked me how I was doing or what was going on in my life. Not that I could tell her everything since I was at kc's house (see my problem?) and I couldn't exactly divulge the information about what happened the other Friday night.

Back to the conversation. Yeah, so we start talking about what's been going on recently. I asked her why she was wanting to spend so much time with me since even when we were together we didn't spend this much time. She says it's because she loves the relationship that we have right now, that she loves snuggling with me, that I make her feel happy and peaceful, but she still doesn't want to have sex with me. Although she did say that she still thinks I'm hot which is a good thing, although I have no idea what that really meant.

Then we started talking about the other girl situation. There is this girl in one of her classes that she sort of likes, but doesn't want to do anything about since this girl t is a bit of a crazy partier and, oh yeah, get this, also plays for BI. So that should make for an interesting game when we play them next weekend. And to make things even more fun, she just randomly stopped by kc's house on Friday night...with a friend and a 6-pack. That was awkward, and interesting. I guess kc has told her about me, that we used to date, that we still hang out and snuggle but that we don't have sex. Talk about fucking weird!

So I asked kc what she would do if this girl came onto her since she said she doesn't want to make a move on her. She said she'd probably go along with it just to see where it went. That didn't exactly didn't make me feel like sunshine and roses that's for sure. I mean, I know we don't have a relationship, and I told her that I can't hold a torch for her, but still. Hearing that someone who you want to make some kind of miraculous turn-around and realize that the perfect girl is sitting there right next to her would be open to sleeping with someone else doesn't exactly have a way of bringing a smile to your face.

Of course, I suppose, on my end of things, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about the sm situation. Although, kc said that it would be a sad day for her when I find someone else, she said she definitely doesn't want to know if I sleep with anyone else. Ironically, she said she'd be able to tell. So much for her psychic properties.

I don't know, it just seems like a really fucked up situation. The more I try and look at it from an outside perspective, the more fucked up it seems. I asked kc if she would ever date someone who wouldn't want her to hang out with me and she said no. Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road she will wake up and realize what she is missing out on. I did tell her that sometimes I want to shake her and throw her against a wall and try and put some sense into her. She said she kind of likes how things are right now with us because she thinks that I'm being more honest and communicating better with her in this situation than when we were dating.

I told her I don't know how much longer I can do this. It is hard sleeping with her and snuggling with her, and yet I love it so much. And I did tell her that it really sucks because she is getting everything that she wants out of this situation and I'm not. She gets her cake and she gets to eat it and I get left with an almost pre-menstrual chocolate craving. I almost feel as if stopping snuggling with her would maybe make a point, or it will drive her into someone else's arms. I guess it doesn't really matter since at some point she'll end up there anyway.

Fuck my head is screwed. At least I got an invitation from a friend to hit up a bar on Friday night and see this band play. I told h that I'd go to her birthday party on Friday night, but since it's at kc's house and I have no idea who is invited or who will show up, I'm going to go watch this band play and then maybe stop over later. So yes, at least I'm accepting invitations to go other places and with other people. I am taking some steps in the right direction.

Torn Up

I'm still doing it. I'm still torturing myself and I know I'm doing it and I still can't help but do it. I mean, I've accepted it, I know that she doesn't want to have sex with me, and yet every morning that I wake up next to her I want her. I want to rip all her fucking clothes off and make her squeal with delight. I want to throw her up against a wall and shake her and make her realize what she is missing out on.

Maybe that's my problem. I keep letting myself wake up next to her. But I love snuggling with her and feeling her next to me. But I deserve to wake up next to someone who wants to have a little roll in the hay when they wake up next to me, or one before they fall asleep next to me. I deserve to have someone love me like I love them. And I know that keeping myself in this situation is making me emotionally unavailable to anyone else who may be able to make me happy.

Why am I still holding a torch for kc? I know she isn't holding one for me, although at least this morning she did say she was sad about the situation and that it was fucked up. But until she can work through her commitment issues it's never going to work. And it's not like I wanted all that much of a commitment, I just wanted to be able to say she was my girlfriend without having to preface it with "it's really complicated, but basically she's my girlfriend". Or "well, we're not seeing other people so I guess she's my girlfriend". I just wanted her to be able to say it without having to go, well, it's hard to explain, or, it's just easier to say it that way even though I don't really mean it.

I mean really, would it have been so hard for her? We had been seeing each other, dating if you will, for almost a year. Other couples I know have already dropped L bombs after 3 months, so would it have been so hard for her to say, confidently, that I was her girlfriend, after almost a year? It's not as if I was asking to move in, or even dropped an L bomb myself, I just wanted her to be my girlfriend.

I'm done torturing myself and thinking that I was the only one who played a part in the demise of our relationship. Yes, I withdrew, and yes, I had some issues that were present when we met, but she knew those things and still chose to be there. She chose to be present and to make herself available to me, and she made me feel better, and she made me happy, but she was fucking crazy to think that I, let alone anyone, wouldn't want something more after almost a year of dating. In fact, most girls would have pressed for something more a lot sooner, and it's not as if I was pressing for much of anything except a little recognition as to what the situation really was.

So screw it. I know I shouldn't be snuggling with her, but I know I probably will. I also know that I will be getting my ass out there to meet other people when I can. I will accept invitations to parties and outings and I will hang out with the rugby girls and I will have fun outside of hanging out with kc.

I did a bad bad thing...

Umm...yeah. I broke my rule, oops. So Friday night a bunch of the rugby girls came down to pre-game it before First Friday. We were all getting our drink on, I made them all do a shot of the Irish moonshine I brought back with me. Then we head out to the bar, all intent on having a good time, getting our dance on. And somewhere, somehow, all of a sudden, I was making out with sm. I just really have no idea how it happened or got started, this is what I get for ordering drinks 2 at a time (the line for the bar was really long and I didn't feel like waiting).

So yeah, we get back here, we're all pretty drunk, and next thing I know I'm getting it on with sm. Now, my personal rule is no sleeping with or dating anyone on my team, especially the new 23-year-old rookie with the adorable accent. And now I have to reinforce that rule.

What the fuck? I mean, I don't regret what happened, it just can't ever happen again. And hell no I will not be telling this to kc. The girls kept asking me if I was going to tell her and I was like, um, no, it's not like she has any say in what I do, and it's not like I was thinking about her while I was doing it. It's not like we're still dating or sleeping together, we just snuggle every now and again.

Of course, to make matters worse, sm doesn't exactly know about kc, maybe she does, but when someone on the team mentioned kc around sm, she kind of got this weird look on her face about it. I mean, I don't have to explain my actions to anyone, let alone to someone who will only be another notch in the 1-nighter belt, but I really don't want to have to have the yes, it was only a 1-nighter conversation with her, I just want her to get that that is all it was. Yes, I will have that conversation with her if need be, but, come on, everyone knows about my personal rule about not sleeping with teammates.

So I've got myself in a little pickle. And then kc wanted me to come over and snuggle on Sunday night. I was a little intoxicated because after our rugby match we all sat around at the field and were just drinking and talking and having a good time. But, I was in funny intoxicated mode and just being myself. So I went over to kc's house and she gave me a backrub and we snuggled and it was nice. And then she was all affectionate and snuggly on Monday and I just don't get it. Even when we were "together" she was hardly ever that affectionate, just occasionally, but it was usually after we had spent the whole night before having gloriously hot sex and when we were doing really well together. But we didn't have any sex, not that I wasn't seriously turned on waking up Monday morning, but we didn't have sex.

Oh thank goodness when I got home there was a little brown box sitting on my porch. My old toy somehow melted, onto my other toy. So I had to get rid of both of them and order myself a new one. And order one I did! It has 9 different speeds and is ergonomically designed for, well, ya know. So my little blue goddess is going to become my new best friend, because hopefully with her help, I won't go doing silly things like I did on Friday night. I mean, yes, I really enjoy having sex with another person, but I can't do it with sm, and kc isn't putting out, and a random encounter just really isn't me, so my self-loving is just going to continue on.

I need a job. Yes, I'm enjoying this whole respite from the working world, but I think if I had a job to go to everyday then I wouldn't be at home replaying all of the weekends events in my head and wondering what the fuck I was thinking. Ok, that's a lie, I know what I was thinking, I'm going to break my rule and do the new rookie. But really, what the fuck was I thinking? Oh well, no dwelling. Just enjoy the getting laid part and enjoy my new toy.