Torture

I can't wait to get out of here. My job is finally over, so these will actually be written at a time other than 3am, unless I'm lying awake with a ton on my mind that I just need to expunge. Now if people will just stop asking me if I've found anything yet that'd be fucking great. Don't you think that if I had found anything yet I'd be a lot more excited and animated and be telling everyone? Hopefully I hear back from the job I interviewed for a couple weeks ago, I sent him yet another follow-up e-mail today. But fucking academics are so damn slow, that hopefully I'll know by the time I come back from Ireland.

I went snowboarding on Monday with sr, that was fun. Except when some dumb fucking teenager barrelled into me and knocked me into this older woman and we both went crashing down. And now I have ice burn on my stomach, and of course right on my waist line so that when I put pants on, or lean against counters, or try to type with my laptop in my lap, it hurts. And then we had practice and of course we did a ton of tackling.

Now, separately, both activities give me a lot of pleasure and happiness. We all know there is nothing more that I love than snowboarding and playing rugby. However, I hurt. Tackling practice is always a tough one, and we were inside on a turf field, which is of course cement underneath and I got dropped on my hip and kicked a few times. How am I supposed to have short skirt/long jacket night with bruises all up and down my legs? Guess we'll just have to move that night to the end of my trip.

Of course, bars are dark and the chances of me getting hit on by some hot lesbian are probably pretty slim, although I am going to go to bfr's gaelic football practice, so maybe I could get lucky and there will at least be some eye candy there. That'd be fun, work on my flirting skills, and I get to try something new, which I always love, and I won't be here.

I won't be here to be tortured by kc. I have to talk to her about this. It's just becoming harder and harder for me to snuggle with her and sleep with her and hold out some hope that she is ever going to want to have sex with me again. Maybe she is still trying to figure it out, work through whatever it is that is preventing her from doing it. But I just really can't sleep next to her without wanting to rip all her clothes off and I'm just bubbling over and about to explode and that's just not a good situation for me to put myself in if I'm feeling that sexually frustrated.

Seriously, my forearms are starting to get more developed than they have ever been in my life, and there is really only one explanation for that. Or maybe I should stop reading the dirty books. Although, at least there is only 3 in the series and I'm about halfway done the 3rd one, I'm not sure what that says about me. But, I read a lot, might as well read something stimulating, although maybe it shouldn't be stimulating in that way.

And I just feel like maybe I'm at the point in my life where the one-night stands aren't as fun as they were in college. Not that I had a lot in college, but all of my relationship endings resulted in a good evening of rebound sex. Of course, we all know what the ex's rebound resulted in...a 1 year something with kc. So now what, I have 2 rebounds I need to make up for? I just don't think that I have it in me, although I guess time will only tell. I just can't take any more of this torture, of this lying next to someone, my heart screaming and melting, and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.

Feeling better

Okay, I sat myself down last night, put on some music, and cleared my head. And I'm definitely feeling much better now. I just told myself that I can't let kc drag my mood down into some funk. I just can't keep dwelling on what she is or isn't doing, or who she is or isn't doing. I just can't. It's just really not worth the mental taxation and stress. I'm going to open myself up to other possibilities if they come along, although I don't have any time to go looking for them.

I'm not much of a pursuer anyway, I'm more of a likes to be pursued kind of girl. Could explain why nothing has happened with BIh at least. Or maybe it's because I probably made an ass out of myself the last time I saw her. It's all good though, there are lots of other women out there for me to meet someday. And hey, I'm pretty good at redeeming myself. Hell, given the chance, I'm the best girlfriend that someone will ever have. They just don't realize it until it's too late.

Well, that might be an oversimplification. My high school girlfriend and I never would have made it, she was just never motivated enough and I sure as hell wasn't going to get stuck in my hometown. Although, I mean, I don't wish her ill will or anything, and I do hope that she has found someone good to her, but compared to her other girlfriends that I've seen or known, I was definitely the best. But, it was high school, and I graduated and went to college and she stayed there. Who knows what she's doing now.

My college girlfriend, the ex ex, I can't necessarily say the same thing for. We had a good time when we were together, but we just wanted very different things out of life. Someday I want to have kids, for her it was a definite no. I wanted to get away from the east coast, she has chosen to stay there. And from what I can tell, her girlfriend now is great for her, whereas, her and I could probably be pretty good friends. Though, I think she'd be really great friends with kc, they have incredibly similar interests.

The similarities between kc and the xx are eerily similar. I'm not sure what that means. Both of them are/were art history majors. And for some reason they really liked this science dork. They have great energy and personality and are really outgoing and sociable. And yet they liked socially retarded me. I'm pretty much socially retarded around anyone who isn't a rugby player. I have no idea why. We have great conversations and really good times together.

There are some major differences for me though. With the xx, I gained about 150lbs, though I've stayed the same weight with kc. kc likes to do other crazy activities, like caving and teaching me how to ride a motorcycle. And we just have a really great time together, when she's not being a pain in the ass. And therein lies my problem, and why it is so hard for me to leave. Which is why I've decided that I just can't let it get to me, and that I need to be open to other possibilities.

It's good though, my mood has been much improved since yesterday. I can't say the same for kc's mood though, she's been a grumpy pain since we had dinner at gs's. Sometimes she gets like this, gets in this whole, I just want to be alone mood. Hopefully maybe she'll be lifted out of it and come to my party tomorrow night. Doubtful, at least about the party, maybe she'll want to come over later and snuggle. Or at least make plans for some evening to make up for ditching me on Tuesday night, well, not ditching, but not exactly following through with plans as they were originally scheduled.

At least no matter what happens I'm not going to let it get to me. I have a lot of stuff to get done before I leave for Ireland and hopefully I can take care of most of it this weekend. It just seems like there is no way I can get it done, even though it's not that much, mostly because I want to take a couple days and just relax and not do anything except be a bum since once I get back from Ireland it will be serious job hunt time unless I hear back from that guy before I leave. I'm just glad I'm feeling better, I hate being in a funk.

I don't know why I subject myself to this shit

Yeah, yeah, it seems like all I do is bitch about kc. Today we had a wonderful text-a-thon. Oh yeah, first things first, she thought that I meant to have dinner on Valetine's Day when I sent her that drunk text on Saturday...I'm pretty fucking sure it went something along the lines of...since I have to work on Thursday would you like to have dinner on Tuesday at my house for Valentine's Day? However, pothead that she is thought that I asked if she wanted to have dinner on Thursday. Um...pay some fucking attention, I work on Thursdays...and I have been...for the last 4 months. Yes, I understand they changed my schedule...but I still work on Thursdays.

So since she bailed on dinner I figured I'd stay up all day and just go to bed early and sleep all day. And then she texts me to say that I can hang out at her house, but she's going to be doing schoolwork, but wouldn't mind studying to some movies. Okay, cool, fine. And then I get a we'll be there in 20 minutes text. Turns out we ended up having dinner at gs's house and then went home...me to my house and her to hers. She said she was in some weird mood and just wanted to do school work and have some time apart. Said she doesn't want to spend too much time with me but that she does want to snuggle. Great, take all the space and fucking time that you want.

Today we ended up having the text-a-thon. I told her I wished that we had never had that stupid conversation about who we'd have sex with, and then she thought that I was worried about h or that stupid chick who's been leaving her creepy messages on MySapce. Uh, no, how about I'm worried about the chick in your class who you said you'd sleep with. She told me not to worry about it, hardly reassuring, but at least she hasn't fucked her yet. Then I told her that she needs to be more upfront about shit, like, if she knew she didn't want to sleep with me last night then she should have just told me. Don't get my hopes up about something that isn't going to happen.

I can't wait for my job to end and to be on vacation. I can't wait to clear my head by getting who knows how many thousands of miles away. Some bfr time will do me good, get some sense back into me. I can't wait to not be making this stupid 45 minute drive every day, and even longer in the morning since it's supposed to start snowing any minute now. I don't think I should've had that turkey burger for dinner because I have the worst stomach ache right now, it's like a beast eating my insides.

I need to just tell her that I can't keep holding out hope for that much longer. I just don't think that I have that much strength. It's just too hard and draining, especially if she isn't making any effort. And it's not like she can't see it, and maybe I'd have more energy if I could get a decent nights sleep, but for some fucking reason people don't realize that when you say that you work the night shift, it means, don't fucking call me during the day when I'm sleeping. I've been keeping my phone on lately in case I get any job calls, but it sucks because then I hear all the other people calling or texting me.

And to top that off, some neighbor needs to change their smoke detector battery. It's been beeping for 2 days now and it's really annoying. I thought it was the guy who lived across from me, I hadn't seen his lights on the other day so I didn't know if he was home. But I saw him tonight on his patio, I think trying to hear the beep and figure out where it's coming from. At least it isn't keeping me awake, but it's still obnoxious.

So no sleep plus tummy ache equals me being a grumpy bitch. At least after tonight I only have 1 more night left at this hellhole. Then I'm having an unemployment party at my house on Friday night, because, well, I fucking can. Who knows if kc will show up for that, she said she was getting drunk on Thursday night because her school week was a nightmare. I told her she could send me drunk texts while I was at work. So she'll probably spend all day Friday with a hangover and be a hermit at her house and not want to be around all the drunks at my house, depending on how many people actually show up.

I try not to expectations about parties. I'm not so good at them, it always seems like I go overboard with preparing, and then hardly anyone shows up. So I try to reign it in and be realistic. Of course, if I'm lucky, it will bite me in the ass some night, but since I don't really get my hopes up about stuff like that, I don't worry about it.

Okay, time to turn on the radio, put some good music on, and start clearing all this negative energy out of my system. It's not helping my tummy ache and it's certainly not helping my mental state. Maybe I'll work on my list of shit I need to do this weekend, and my list of stuff to pack for Ireland. I've been working on a project at my house, I have a bunch of photo albums that are falling apart so I've been scanning all my photos onto my laptop, and as an added bonus I'm going to bring my laptop to Ireland so I can show bfr what I've been doing with myself since the last time I saw her. Yes, time to put some good energy into my system.

Overthinking

I really wish that I could stop my fucking brain from going off on a tangent that it doesn't need to. It's pointless, useless, and only succeeds at getting me worked up about something that I just don't need to be worked up about. At least not yet. Or at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself.

Ever since we had that stupid conversation the other weekend about who we'd have sex with I can't stop having these horrific thoughts, every single fucking time she goes to her damn class on Monday and Wednesday nights. Today for example, I just keep having this thought that right now, she's not alone.

Realistically, I know that she had a project to finish for another class and is probably working on that. She's not the best about responding to messages so on days other than this, it really doesn't bother me. However, on days like today, my brain starts going into fucking overdrive and I just wish so much that I could turn it off and not have these thoughts just running through my head.

Why the fuck did we have to have that conversation? I knew it was a bad thing as soon as she asked me that question. And it's not helping that every time I come to work people ask if I've heard back from my job interview I had last week. So I have that weighing on my mind too. And all this fucking romantic Valentine's Day crap is fucking with my head.

kc is supposed to come over for dinner tonight since I have to work Valentine's Day night. I sent her a drunk text/invitation on Saturday night and she said she would come over and bring a movie and something to eat for dinner. I sent her a text earlier tonight asking what time she was coming over and haven't heard anything back from her yet. She probably got baked once she was done with her project and passed out on her couch for all I know. However, a response would have been nice.

Even putting on some music and making my lists for Ireland aren't helping. I'm trying really hard to not bite off what is left of my nails that I tore apart the other day. I've been trying to stop biting them, sort of a New Year's resolution, although since I've been trying for the last couple years I don't expect miracles overnight. Fucking brain. Just turn off already.

Perfection

I swear, if kc tells me one more time how perfect I am for her I might have to scream, or jump off a tall building. I mean, if I'm that damn perfect, then why can't you get over the fact that you think that I'm not ready for a relationship and just deal with it? I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm more ready than she is, especially if this has now become her main argument. Maybe it is her that is trying to fight it, trying to figure out some way to sabotage herself. Maybe it's not me...

Seriously, how many more times can I hear, fuck you for being so perfect and messing up my head because you withdrew? She knew I had just gotten out of a relationship, maybe she should have used her better judgement last year and held off and then we wouldn't be in this situation right now. I wouldn't have to deal with her telling me to go and date and do whatever as long as it doesn't get back to her. Right, like if I was going to do something I'd advertise it in front of her.

But it's pretty bad when she's already told me who she'd sleep with (according to her she's not pursuing it, maybe I've ruined her for all women, that's be fucking great) since she asked me who I'd sleep with. I told her straight up BIh, which of course pissed her off since she is a rugby girl and for some reason kc thinks that the stories that I told her about my crazy college days (I made out with my whole team...so what, just because they were all straight doesn't mean anything) still happen now. Well, maybe they do, just not with me. However, I know BIh is interested, and we all know I could use a good session in the sack. Side note...how much is too much before you go blind?

Anyway, the girl she said is in one of her classes (oh, and she had a 3-way with her with one of her ex-girlfriends). So I get to have that on my mind every Monday and Wednesday night. Thanks a whole fucking lot for that. I guess at least if I'm going to have to deal with paranoid delusions of her sleeping with someone else then she can deal with thinking that I'm screwing the entire BI team.

I keep trying to explain to her and get her to realize that if she is having feelings like this then that's not normal. If she truly only wanted to be "just friends" with me, then she wouldn't be experiencing all this jealousy and anger at the thought of me sleeping with someone else...not even sleeping with them, I mean, we all recall the incident where she freaked just because she thought I kissed someone else. Who knows what she'd do if she thought I slept with someone else.

And yeah, her saying that she just doesn't want to hear about it if it does happen, I mean, what the fuck? I may have issues with being able to tell her I love her, but is it any wonder why? She doesn't want to be with me until she thinks that I'm ready to date...but what the hell, what if when, in her eyes, I am ready to date, I'm already dating someone else? I think she would prefer that I just lead a semi- or completely celibate life until she's ready for me. Or maybe not, she did tell me to go out and date, again with the not wanting to know and not wanting me to shove it in her face.

Seriously, have a little more faith in me than that. Does she really think that I would broadcast my exploits over a MySpace survey or some other crap? If the only thing I needed was just to get laid like I would ever let it be with anyone that would have even the slightest chance to get back to her. I'm not that fucking stupid. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, she knows about a pretty good portion of it, but throwing my exploits in the face of the girl I love simply because she won't put out...that's not me.

Granted, I did tell her that I think the ex wanted me to cheat on her, but the only reason I said that is because I figured it would make it easier for her to break up with me (the ex that is), that and she definitely wasn't putting out (and would flat out tell me, no, we're never having sex, like she was repulsed by me or something). So either cheat and break up, or break up and then get some were my only options. I don't believe in cheating though, so again I almost went blind with too much masturbation, but I at least waited until we were officially over to get a little tail.

I can't wait to get out of here. And unlike when kc was in Hawaii, at least in Ireland I won't have cell reception. So, she can sit and think about me and do whatever the fuck she wants while I'm gone. She is going to watch my house and water my plants and I told her she could study there if she needed someplace quiet to go. But, there won't be any nightly texts or even random ones, and certainly no drunk ones. So she can miss me and I'm sure I'll miss her, and maybe when I get back she'll have figured some shit out.

Fate

Fuck fate. Why do people always want to leave things to fate? If you want something, then why do you to leave it up to some other supernatural power to decide whether or not you should have it? Is it some sort of twisted punishment that if you leave things to fate and it happens then it's okay, but if you were to go after it and it happens then it's not okay?

It's just ridiculous. I don't want to leave her fucking sex drive up to fate! It's like, she knows she wants me, doesn't want to lose me from her life, blah blah blah, but yet that part of her head that wants to fuck me just isn't coming around. I mean, I don't know how much longer we can beat this dead horse. We had a big ole conversation about it on Friday morning and again on Saturday morning. There just really isn't anything left to discuss.

And I keep having these really weird (well, maybe not that weird) dreams. One night I'll have some completely erotic dream where kc is just incredibly fantastic and wonderful, and the next night I'm having some dream that she is yelling at me telling me she never wants to see me again. Problem is, I know the second one wouldn't happen, but what if it's my subconscious trying to tell me that neither will happen?

Whatever, I'm not in a rush to get anywhere, I guess I would just like to know where this is going. Maybe I'll go see the psychic down the street. I see her sign whenever I drive home from kc's house. I don't generally hold much stock in those sorts of things, but, well, fuck, I'm almost getting desperate.

I mean, we bailed on 1st Friday because there was just the potential for way too much drama to happen, so instead we went out to dinner, and then went to see a movie. I definitely wasn't down for watching some MySpace stalker try and hit on kc, and she wasn't down for watching BIh flirt with me (although I told her it's not like I would have any idea if she was going or not). It's like, we both want to be with each other, I'm just more able to express it apparently than she is. But I can't have another fucking sexless relationship like I did with the ex. That was just ridiculous.

And kc knows this, and so, she proposes that we just leave everything to fate. Fucking fate. Fate should decide whether or not I should get to be with this wonderful person who stimulates me, challenges me, gets me to open up, gets me to do things I could never dream of doing. What the hell? I don't want to stick around and watch her hook up with some chick from one of her classes. And she obviously doesn't want to watch me pursue anyone, or even be pursued by anyone. So what the fuck? Why can't fate just make her realize that she wants to be with me?

At least she is expressive in her sleep. Unconsciously, when we sleep, she is always snug up right next to me. The other night when I rolled over she told me not to move so far away (in her sleep). If I rub her back or her neck in the early morning in an attempt to wake her up gently, she moans and repositions herself to whatever is feeling good. Maybe I'm graspin at straws, but I just really have no idea what is going on in her head to make her have this mental block toward me.

Oh well, I get a free pass while I'm away in Ireland. Not that I plan on using it, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about her freaking out about finding out. She doesn't care if it happens, she just doesn't want to know about it, so I'm pretty sure if something happened in a country across the ocean, that she wouldn't be finding out about it. Although, there is an inherent problem with that...I would feel guilty. Despite the fact that we don't have a relationship, I would feel guilty.

Why should I feel guilty? Would she feel guilty if she did something with someone else? Who knows, maybe. She knows I wouldn't be coming around anymore that's for sure, so I guess it would depend on how much she really liked this other person and if it would be worth it. So far it hasn't been, but someday it will be. Especially if neither one of us is getting laid. We have needs, urges, feelings, desires, things that can't be suppressed forever. I just hope that when she feels the need to express those things it's me she's turning to.

If not, then, well, worse things have happened to people in life. It will suck for sure, I can't lie to myself and say I wouldn't be heartbroken. But life will go on. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out like it did when I got back from Arizona. Well, not right back. But we kept hanging out and then she wanted me to go to California. So maybe she'll miss me while I'm in Ireland. Or maybe she'll sleep with someone else. Whatever happens I suppose we could call it fate.

Fighting...well arguing

It was bound to happen sooner or later and I guess it finally did. Yeah, she totally pissed me off and at least I called her on her shit. Apparently, because I did some stupid shit in college, and happen to mention it on a dumb MySpace survey, kc seems to think that it's happening now.

So one of the survey questions was have you kissed anyone this past week? Well, instead of writing her name like I usually do I just put a smiley face. So miss suspicious took that as I made out with someone while I was away snowboarding for the weekend. Actually, she accused me of doing it and then refusing to tell her the truth. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

It's like, just because you couldn't trust any of your past girlfriends doesn't mean that you should automatically lump me into that group. Seriously, if you're going to do that, then why are you wasting your time with me? Just because I made out with my whole rugby team in college, doesn't mean that I have any desire to do the same thing with my current team. No thanks, I've learned the error of those ways, I've seen the drama that can happen when teammates date each other. It's just an overall bad idea, and even if I was attracted to anyone on my team, it would just never happen. Luckily I'm not attracted to any of them so I don't have to worry about it, but still. I mean, does she want me to preface my stupid survey answers with...when I was in college?

So of course we're having this delightful discussion through text messaging and finally I just got so annoyed I told her I was going over to her house because I wanted to actually talk about it with her and not be dealing with this shit over texting which is no way to have a meaningful talk about something that is seriously bothering her, and now me since she got me all fired up about it. At least her roommates weren't home since I'm not a big fan of having talks like this around other people.

So I get to her house and I'm starving because that's the time when I'm usually eating dinner before work. I make us some pitas with veggies and hummus and she's like, are you going to talk about it or not? I was like, I'm calming down. So we sit down to eat and I'm like, what the hell? And yes, I did actually say what the hell. I know I have a tendency to only say these things in my head and not out loud, but this time it actually came out of my mouth.

We just kinda got into it about her not trusting me that I'm telling her the truth and how it seriously undermines anything she says to me if she can't trust me. I told her that was the biggest issue, I'm glad that she asked me about the stupid survey question, I wouldn't want her eating that kind of feeling and then lashing out at some later point. I know she's been burned in the past, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to assume that she can't trust me either. She felt like I was throwing it in her face that I made out with someone this past weekend with only putting a smiley face there for an answer instead of her name when I always put her name there.

Except that I didn't kiss anyone this weekend, except her when I kissed her goodbye before I left Saturday morning. And if I had, I wouldn't be able to hide that from her. She'd know as soon as I walked in the door that I was guilty and hiding something, I don't really conceal things like that very well. And why, if I still believe that there is a chance for something to happen between us would I go and do something like that? Especially when I have told her that I don't share, so if I don't want to have to share her, then why would I hold myself to a different standard? That would be totally hypocritical of me to say she can't do anything with anyone else but it's okay if I do? Please, that is so not me.

I think that I got that through to her though since by the end of the conversation she had moved off the other couch and come and sat down next to me and snuggled with me on the couch before I had to leave for work. And she got to see pissed off me, which she's been dying to see for some reason. I don't think she realized I had it in me, or, she was just waiting to see if I would actually let it come out, and I did. So that's a good thing. I told her if she pissed me off I'd tell her about it. And this twisted girl said she was glad and that she'd have to piss me off more often. I mean, I don't really want her to set out trying to piss me off, but people are bound to get annoyed with each other at some point.

So hopefully by the time I get down there in the morning she will be in about the same mood as when I left her. Hopefully she let it go and believes me when I tell her I didn't make out with anyone else. It should be an interesting First Friday tonight, considering there's a girl who's basically stalking kc on MySpace that's going to be there, the ex might be there with a date, and for all I know BIh could be there (in which case I'll have to apologize to her for my 2hr drunk conversation I can't remember). Such is my life, just when I think things have died down and are keeping at a decent pace, shit like this happens.