Eh...

At least school has started so I have that to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes being alone sucks. Now would be one of those phases. It's like, I keep swinging back and forth between being pretty happy being single and feeling pretty fucking lonely. No snuggle bunnies, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing.

bfr thinks that I should try online dating, but there are way to many weirdos not to mention that I can't afford site fees anyway. But...I did find a place that's free, and I have 1 friend already, whatever that means. It's not even so much that I want to date (although, yeah, I do), but I need to make some new friends. I need to expand my circles. I tried but that turned out to be, well, whatever, I did make a new friend out of it. But it was a friend I found out I didn't want to date.

Which leaves me in my current predicament. Although, still have the guy on the couch snoring his ass off so I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess it's just that sometimes I want to feel special, want to feel wanted. Maybe it's a good thing I'm going home in a few weeks to see my family. Maybe that will help, and I get to see bfr and some old friends from a long time ago.

And I should be reading a chapter of organic chemistry right now, but, as usual, guy on the couch is snoring and I can't concnetrate, so instead I got super baked and decided to bitch about it. And kc is being weird and distant. She says it's because I'm not acting like myself around her. Screw that. I've got so much shit just swimming around in my head waiting to be indulged, it's a constant effort to keep it quiet and not listen to it.

Then to top it all off I had about one of the worst experiences of my life last weekend and it is still haunting me. A little less each day, but still. I went camping with as, sm, jl, and sf, and it was a really great weekend. Had some good laughs, went for a great hike (although I got a blister on my foot and that sucked), roasted marshmellows, lots of good stuff. And then on the way home it all changed.

We were on a 2 lane mountain road heading home and the guy driving in front of us kept weaving back and forth over the yellow line. Luckily as backed off the driver because he went over the line and didn't come back. A large pick-up towing a trailer swerved but the guy smashed into the trailer, spun around, the trailer jack-knifed at us, and suddenly we were stopped on the side of the road. Completely ok. And then we heard a kid screaming. We ran out of the car, a guy was already pulling the kid out of her car seat, opened the other door and pulled the driver's wife out. She was hysterical.

Her husband was hanging out the door, he looked dead, everything was all mangled and banged up and bloody. Mountain rescue got there pretty damn quick considering we were in an area with limited cell service. They landed a flight for life helicopter on the road, extracted the guy with the jaws of life, performed CPR as soon as he was released. Never did get him in the helicopter, instead they airlifted the little girl, apparently she was pretty injured.

It's amazing how seeing something so horribly tragic as that right in front of you can make you reassess your own situation. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Who would they call if something were to happen to me? And I'm still haunted by the image of the guy hanging out the door. The first night afterward I had aweful dreams with lots of blood. The deafening silence in the few seconds immediately following before people jumped to action just felt like death. And an incredible thankfulness that we managed to somehow avoid getting hit by the trailer or anything else.

So at least school has started. I'm realizing that I will be spending a lot of time at the library because I won't be able to study here. At least not while he's snoring. At least that's really the only problem with him except that he would live in absolute squalor if I didn't clean the damn house. Ok, enough bitching. Happy to be alive, happy to be back in school, happy to have something to keep my mind off the loneliness.

Which Way Do I Go?

So, I don't normally sit at work and type away, but I'm bored as fuck today and I don't feel like mindlessly surfing around Facebook. The only bit of work I was going to have to do today got pushed back to next week. Dragon hasn't given me anything to do and she knows I'm bored, so that's her own problem if I'm not doing anything.

And holy shit it's been a while since I've written anything. Yup, mn is still living in my office. I don't really see that changing anytime soon, but at least he's still working and still paying me. It's really not that bad, it's just making it slightly more difficult to get into the dating world.

Didn't pass my stupid ACS exam, and by only 3 questions! It definitely sucks, but I'm meeting with my professor today to discuss my options and hopefully he will let me into the graduate class. I feel like it will be yet another setback in my graduate studies if I have to take organic chemistry again.

Had to go buy a new car the other day. I'm pretty fucking excited about it! Really didn't want to have to buy one, but my car was a piece of shit and getting worse every day. At this point it was pretty unsafe to drive but at least I got the dealership to take $8000 off the price through deals, rebates, and a bit of negotiating. Now I have a cute new little Focus that gets so much better gas mileage. Only thing that will suck is the back seat doesn't fold down so having sex in it is going to get a little complicated.

Although, since it's been about a year since I've had any sort of sex I guess I'll worry about how to fuck in my car later. Uggh, I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like I need to write off kc for a little while because the little things that she is doing are starting to take their toll on me and they shouldn't. First it's we can't snuggle anymore until I start dating. Then she took that back and said that I just needed to be myself around her. And I feel like she is pulling back from me and whatever little time we do spend together. It really shouldn't affect me the way it does, but it does and it hurts and she doesn't get it. Or she does and that's why she's doing it. Either way it's fucking up my head.

But how the fuck can I be myself around her when I can't bitch about a bad date (or lack of dates right now), probably shouldn't bitch that I'm fucking horny and just want to get laid, and a whole host of other things that she doesn't want to hear about. I mean, sorry, but if I'm in a bad mood don't just assume that it's all because of you and because we're not together.

She's made it abundantly fucking clear that I'm not on her list of people to date. And it's not like I want to date her right now anyway. It didn't fucking work. At all. No matter how many times we tried my heart always got broken. It's not like anyone really wants to hear about how someone couldn't fall in love with them, when they have fallen completely in love.

The crappy part is that I just have no idea how to get into the dating world. I don't really have any money to date and when school starts I won't have time. Not to mention that now I'm going to have to put up with as's whiny shit if I go on a date because I think that she is still holding out some sort of hope that I'll somehow want to have a relationship with her or something.

I'm just not really into her. Although yesterday when we were chatting I found out that she actually has a brain but just doesn't use it because none of her friends are capable of having an intelligent conversation. Which is too bad for her because one of the ways to win me over is by not being stupid. I don't want some egotistical person bragging about their intelligence either, but don't be a moron.

I want someone that I can hold an intelligent conversation with. Someone who is stimulating and exciting to talk to, that can talk about something other than "that time I got drunk". When all of your stories begin with that line it becomes a problem. I want someone who is caring and romantic and nice. kc says I get walked all over because I'm too nice, but I want someone who doesn't walk all over their partner because they're too nice. I want someone who appreciates my kindness and doesn't take advantage of me and make me feel like shit. I want someone to snuggle with on the couch and who will hold my hand and hug me and maybe even go out their way to do things for me since that is the kind of person I am.

Is she out there? That elusive woman who can make my heart flutter when I see her, who makes me melt when we kiss? I want to feel that desire and spark and so far I haven't found it. Well, I had it with kc, but clearly she wasn't feeling it. But how do I meet people? I'm not sure how I feel about online dating but maybe that's the way to go for me. At least then I'd be able to find someone outside of kc or as's circle of friends.

I just want some kind of glimmer of hope that I will eventually find someone, someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I just need a sign that they will come into my life, that they are out there and wanting to find me as much as I want to find her.