Eh...

At least school has started so I have that to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes being alone sucks. Now would be one of those phases. It's like, I keep swinging back and forth between being pretty happy being single and feeling pretty fucking lonely. No snuggle bunnies, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing.

bfr thinks that I should try online dating, but there are way to many weirdos not to mention that I can't afford site fees anyway. But...I did find a place that's free, and I have 1 friend already, whatever that means. It's not even so much that I want to date (although, yeah, I do), but I need to make some new friends. I need to expand my circles. I tried but that turned out to be, well, whatever, I did make a new friend out of it. But it was a friend I found out I didn't want to date.

Which leaves me in my current predicament. Although, still have the guy on the couch snoring his ass off so I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess it's just that sometimes I want to feel special, want to feel wanted. Maybe it's a good thing I'm going home in a few weeks to see my family. Maybe that will help, and I get to see bfr and some old friends from a long time ago.

And I should be reading a chapter of organic chemistry right now, but, as usual, guy on the couch is snoring and I can't concnetrate, so instead I got super baked and decided to bitch about it. And kc is being weird and distant. She says it's because I'm not acting like myself around her. Screw that. I've got so much shit just swimming around in my head waiting to be indulged, it's a constant effort to keep it quiet and not listen to it.

Then to top it all off I had about one of the worst experiences of my life last weekend and it is still haunting me. A little less each day, but still. I went camping with as, sm, jl, and sf, and it was a really great weekend. Had some good laughs, went for a great hike (although I got a blister on my foot and that sucked), roasted marshmellows, lots of good stuff. And then on the way home it all changed.

We were on a 2 lane mountain road heading home and the guy driving in front of us kept weaving back and forth over the yellow line. Luckily as backed off the driver because he went over the line and didn't come back. A large pick-up towing a trailer swerved but the guy smashed into the trailer, spun around, the trailer jack-knifed at us, and suddenly we were stopped on the side of the road. Completely ok. And then we heard a kid screaming. We ran out of the car, a guy was already pulling the kid out of her car seat, opened the other door and pulled the driver's wife out. She was hysterical.

Her husband was hanging out the door, he looked dead, everything was all mangled and banged up and bloody. Mountain rescue got there pretty damn quick considering we were in an area with limited cell service. They landed a flight for life helicopter on the road, extracted the guy with the jaws of life, performed CPR as soon as he was released. Never did get him in the helicopter, instead they airlifted the little girl, apparently she was pretty injured.

It's amazing how seeing something so horribly tragic as that right in front of you can make you reassess your own situation. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Who would they call if something were to happen to me? And I'm still haunted by the image of the guy hanging out the door. The first night afterward I had aweful dreams with lots of blood. The deafening silence in the few seconds immediately following before people jumped to action just felt like death. And an incredible thankfulness that we managed to somehow avoid getting hit by the trailer or anything else.

So at least school has started. I'm realizing that I will be spending a lot of time at the library because I won't be able to study here. At least not while he's snoring. At least that's really the only problem with him except that he would live in absolute squalor if I didn't clean the damn house. Ok, enough bitching. Happy to be alive, happy to be back in school, happy to have something to keep my mind off the loneliness.