Carousels

They go up and down and round and round...kind of like my relationship with kc. Maybe she did just have PMS last weekend when she said she didn't want to have sex with me again because she sure does now. Or maybe that's all she wants. No, that's not it. I know that she wants something with me, but it can't involve expectations.

We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.

So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.

I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.

I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.

This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.

Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.

We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.

I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.

So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.

Raining and Pouring

Fuck when it rains it pours! I mean, here I am unemployed for 3 months, I finally get a job and now I'm getting letters and phone calls about other jobs. Seriously? This company is great and all but it's not my dream job. I do quality for a company that imports baby clothes. I'm the person who makes sure that there isn't anything that the kid can pull off and choke on...yes, you heard me.

The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.

And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.

I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.

On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.

Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.

I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.

And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.

Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.

I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.