Just when it was going so well...

The shit hits the fan. As usual, or at least as what usually happens with kc and me. As we all know, I'm kind of a super horny girl. That's not my fault! But apparently, I'm just not dominating enough for kc. She says that she has or is having or what the fuck ever a mental block about having sex with me.

Again with the I'm such a good girlfriend and we have a great emotional connection and that part of our relationship is just so fucking perfect, that of course something has to be wrong because she doesn't want to have sex with me. The kicker is that on Friday night when we were having dinner she said that I should be secure with our relationship and not worry. Not fucking worry?!?! How the hell am I supposed to not worry when the very next day she tells me that she can't be in a sexless relationship and that every time we have sex she gets some delusional idea that I have expectations.

Expectations of what? The only expectations that I have are that she is honest with me and treats me well. Hardly unrealistic expectations. It's not like I want to move in or get married, and I'm pretty sure that I have stated that on more than one occasion. Unless she thinks that I have some kind of hidden agenda which I don't. If I had wanted any of that stuff from our relationship it would have been over long ago.

So now I get to hang out in fucking limbo again waiting for her to decide if she wants to break my heart again. It's like what the hell? Last weekend we had a good weekend, a little rocky when she didn't want to have sex and made me cry. But then we started talking about stuff, played a little truth or dare, which was more like truth. She told me she loves me and adores me, and yes she used the love word. I told her that I didn't expect her to say that a lot and that I always just thought that it was kind of an unspoken thing with us, that we each knew it but it didn't have to be said for it to be known. And she agreed.

And now this fucking shit about I can't be in a sexless relationship and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. I know it's not fucking fair to me. I have been nothing but fun and a great person to be with (once I got over all the ex shit). I give her little surprises and treats, mail her fun things, things that I wish she would do for me but never gets the hint. Apparently I have a submissive side that comes out after we have sex and it's causing her to have some mental block against having sex with me.

Is me being slightly submissive really a deal-breaker for her? I've told her that if she wants to get my dominant side she has to build and create an environment that will allow me to be able to do that. I need to trust that if I do something like that that she is going to go along and actually want to have sex and be into it. How the fuck am I supposed to get into my dominant mood when I can't even get her in the mood? I mean, I'm always in the mood. Well, almost always, right now it's a little skewed because I haven't been getting any on a regular basis.

Although apparently she won't mind if I sleep with someone else as long as she doesn't know about it. Apparently I didn't hide it well enough when I slept with rc. And then she freaked the fuck out and then a week later she wanted to be with me but without expectations. And then it was too much again. And then she wanted to be able to sleep with me without expectations. Apparently because I would feel guilty if I slept with someone else that means I have expectations.

I just really don't fucking get her. It's almost as if she is sabotaging the relationship because of who the fuck knows what. She did tell me when I first met her that she usually has a 1-2 year time limit on relationships. I mean is she getting the 2 year itch early? Did some past relationship fuck her up so much that she thinks that all girls have expectations? I know that the reason she doesn't want anyone to move in is because of some girl she moved in with a long time ago. Since then she has broken up with girls if they ask to move in.

First off, I don't want to live in her house. I like my house. Her house is where I go when I want to put a little crazy in my life. There are always people coming and going and it's just a sporadic environment. I like hanging out there but in no way would I want to live there. I like the quiet stability of my house. I like the peacefulness and serenity of my house.

Next, I'm not looking to get married. Does she think I have some hidden agenda to trap her? She has mentioned that if she's in a relationship with me she loses her freedom. Where the hell did she get that? I am not some psycho controlling girlfriend who wants to keep track of her every move. I don't keep her from hanging out with her friends. I encourage it because I don't want some controlling girlfriend questioning where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't fucking know. I just wish that she would figure out what the fuck is going on in her head that is keeping me from getting laid and just relaxing and having fun. Because after she puts me through this and we keep hanging out and then things are good she is going to want to sleep together again after she realizes that I am a great girlfriend and I don't have any expectations.