How?

How do you change the love you have for someone into another kind of love? How does it transform into the friendship kind of love that is the only kind possible right now? How do you stop being in love and just love?

I can't make my brain stop. I can't make my heart stop. It's impossible. Even after all these months. Even after all the tears and the heartache and the pain I still love her. She is one of my best friends. She knows more about me than anyone on Earth. She is the first person I want to share good news with and bad news with. She is the person I want to give me a hug and comfort me when I've had a bad day, and it's her smile I want to see when I've had a good day.

And yet sometimes I feel lonely, even when I'm with her. I want her to hold my hand and wrap her arms around me because she loves me, not because she is my friend but because she feels something inside her that makes her want to do it. I want the smile I used to see when I walked in the door. I want to fall asleep in her arms, not just her falling asleep with mine around her.

I want more than just a friend and companion. And maybe it is only that time will tell. Maybe sometime in the future it will work itself out. Maybe someone else will come into my life who fulfills those desires. Until then I will have to settle with being with myself.

I think the good thing is that every day I feel a little stronger and a little happier. I feel a little better being inside my skin and a little better being inside my head. It's definitely been quieter in my head. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are still days when it goes a little crazy, but I haven't had a day where I spontaneously burst into tears in a while so I think that's a good thing.

Although, today was close. But that's okay. It's that time of the month and the hormones are flowing. Maybe it's because kc actually came to my house the other night. She hasn't snuggled with me at my house in months and I was actually a little surprised that she wanted to come over since it had been so long.

But she did and it was nice. I fell asleep on her while she read in bed which hasn't happened in a while. It was snowing when I woke up so I called my boss and told her I would be late since traffic was a mess and we went and had breakfast. It was actually a pretty good day.

The crappy part was when I came home along later in the evening. I stayed in the library and studied while kc was at her evening class and then gave her a ride home from school and we had dinner and watched South Park, and then I had to go home. Home all alone.

I've become pretty used to being home alone. And yes, I do still love living alone. But after such a good day with kc, snuggling would have been nice. Shit a kiss goodbye would have been nice but since I haven't received a kiss in a really long time I'm not going to get my hopes up anytime soon for that to happen.

Which leads me back to my original question. How do I change the love I have for her?

I Hate You

My therapist thought it would be a good idea to make a list of all the things I hate about my former stepdad...so here goes:

I hate you
I hate you for taking away years of my life
I hate you for ruining my childhood
I hate that I can't remember the good times because you made the other times so bad my brain did its best to erase them
I hate you for all the things you threatened us with and all the things you did
I hate that I have glimpses of memories of things you did to me that I will never know for certain
I hate that you told me - A CHILD - that I was worthless and would amount to nothing
I hate that my sister is an alcoholic with no self-esteem because of you
I hate that she bases her self-worth on how men treat her and that she accepts being with a substandard man because she never saw how a relationship was supposed to be
I hate that I can't open up and trust people because I'm scared
I hate that you have made me feel like I am unworthy of love because I am damaged
I hate that you have had these effects on my life and that it still affects me
I hate having panic attacks near guns
I hate you causing me so much stress that my stomach has been irreparably damaged
I hate that you didn't treat my mom the way she deserves to be treated and loved
I hate that if you thought our hands weren't clean enough you would make us eat dinner on the floor with the dog
I hate that you alwasy fed me more than my sister, wouldn't let me leave the table until I was done, all the while calling me fat
I hate that I had to hide under my bed from you
I hate that you teased me mercilessly about anything
I hate that you would tickle me until I started crying because it hurt so bad
I hate the way you used to hit our wrists with your hand as hard as you could
I hate that you did nothing and laughed when your nephew exposed himself to me and tried to make me touch him
I hate that you wouldn't let me listen to any music other than country
I hate that you made us eat meat and potatoes every night and wouldn't let mom make anything else
I hate that you put me down so much I can't stand up for myself
I hate that you tried to kill my mom
I hate that you only spent 1 night in jail for it
I hate that to teach me baseball you threw the ball at my head as hard as you could
I hate that people tell me to just get over it
I hate having to explain to people why I'm a vegetarian, why I hate country music, and why I hate guns
I hate that after you did all that to us you had the audacity to request custody
I hate that I told my gram to stop waving her hands when she had a knife in it because I saw enough of that at home
I hate that my mom had to take on your debt to stay in the house
I hate that every time I look at the wall in the living room I know the patch for the hole where the arrow hit is hidden behind my sister's school picture
I hate that my gram felt like she had to rescue us on the weekends but I love that she did

There are so many things that I don't remember him doing to me that I don't want to remember. But how am I supposed to move past it if I can't remember it and process it? I don't want to remember, I don't want to know for sure, but I hate having suspicions.

I think that I just need to move past without remembering since nothing is going to bring back the memories. It was hard enough to just think of the list and it was emotionally draining.

In other news school is kicking my ass. I'm working hard to get work done but so many distractions keep coming up. And lately I've been feeling weird with kc. I mean, I don't expect our relationship to be like what it was. I'm just mad at myself for having these reactions.

It's like, I know she's busy, I know she has school, I don't know if she's seeing anyone. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's what I need for closure and to move on in our friendship. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. It's not like I couldn't move on and have a friends with benefits thing going on with ds.

But I'm not really feeling things with her. We went on a date a few weeks back, and it was nice and all, but I wasn't feeling it. Then she wanted to have sex later and at least I stopped that from happening. Except lately I've actually been feeling a little fired up, and maybe that's why I don't want to hang out with her, is because I know I don't want to sleep with her on an emotional level, but I'd probably sleep with her on a physical level.

That would be going against what I'm trying to accomplish right now though. I want to get to know someone and actually like them and have feelings for them before I sleep with them. The only problem is that the only person who is sparking any sort of sexual interest in me is kc, and that's not good since I know she is definitely not feeling that way about me. If she is she's keeping it hidden pretty well. I doubt that though, probably just my overactive imagination.

I hate being this way. I hate being in this sad state. I hate second guessing myself. I hate questioning everything that is going on in my head when I know that it is only delusional things that aren't real and that I'm just making mountains out of mole hills.

Such is my life. I'm still seeing my therapist every week and it's going well. I think if I keep going running maybe this weird sweating thing will stop. I think it's just because I haven't been working out or playing rugby which really sucks. I miss playing but school has got to be the priority and it is. I resisted going to the St. Patty's Day parade downtown today so I could get some homework done. I resisted beer pong last night so I could wake up and go running and do homework.

I need to be running more during the week and at least it's staying lighter out later. It means I should probably not stay at kc's house after I drop her off after school and actually go home and do stuff. I do homework and study at her house but I don't go running like I want because I want to spend time with her. But I really want this weird sweating thing to stop. I just randomly start sweating uncontrollably even if i'm not hot. My palms get sweaty, my armpits get stinky, sometimes my whole body gets sweaty, it's pretty fucking gross actually. Or maybe I should see a doctor about it since this is definitely not normal, at least for me.