How?

How do you change the love you have for someone into another kind of love? How does it transform into the friendship kind of love that is the only kind possible right now? How do you stop being in love and just love?

I can't make my brain stop. I can't make my heart stop. It's impossible. Even after all these months. Even after all the tears and the heartache and the pain I still love her. She is one of my best friends. She knows more about me than anyone on Earth. She is the first person I want to share good news with and bad news with. She is the person I want to give me a hug and comfort me when I've had a bad day, and it's her smile I want to see when I've had a good day.

And yet sometimes I feel lonely, even when I'm with her. I want her to hold my hand and wrap her arms around me because she loves me, not because she is my friend but because she feels something inside her that makes her want to do it. I want the smile I used to see when I walked in the door. I want to fall asleep in her arms, not just her falling asleep with mine around her.

I want more than just a friend and companion. And maybe it is only that time will tell. Maybe sometime in the future it will work itself out. Maybe someone else will come into my life who fulfills those desires. Until then I will have to settle with being with myself.

I think the good thing is that every day I feel a little stronger and a little happier. I feel a little better being inside my skin and a little better being inside my head. It's definitely been quieter in my head. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are still days when it goes a little crazy, but I haven't had a day where I spontaneously burst into tears in a while so I think that's a good thing.

Although, today was close. But that's okay. It's that time of the month and the hormones are flowing. Maybe it's because kc actually came to my house the other night. She hasn't snuggled with me at my house in months and I was actually a little surprised that she wanted to come over since it had been so long.

But she did and it was nice. I fell asleep on her while she read in bed which hasn't happened in a while. It was snowing when I woke up so I called my boss and told her I would be late since traffic was a mess and we went and had breakfast. It was actually a pretty good day.

The crappy part was when I came home along later in the evening. I stayed in the library and studied while kc was at her evening class and then gave her a ride home from school and we had dinner and watched South Park, and then I had to go home. Home all alone.

I've become pretty used to being home alone. And yes, I do still love living alone. But after such a good day with kc, snuggling would have been nice. Shit a kiss goodbye would have been nice but since I haven't received a kiss in a really long time I'm not going to get my hopes up anytime soon for that to happen.

Which leads me back to my original question. How do I change the love I have for her?