Eh...

At least school has started so I have that to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes being alone sucks. Now would be one of those phases. It's like, I keep swinging back and forth between being pretty happy being single and feeling pretty fucking lonely. No snuggle bunnies, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing.

bfr thinks that I should try online dating, but there are way to many weirdos not to mention that I can't afford site fees anyway. But...I did find a place that's free, and I have 1 friend already, whatever that means. It's not even so much that I want to date (although, yeah, I do), but I need to make some new friends. I need to expand my circles. I tried but that turned out to be, well, whatever, I did make a new friend out of it. But it was a friend I found out I didn't want to date.

Which leaves me in my current predicament. Although, still have the guy on the couch snoring his ass off so I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess it's just that sometimes I want to feel special, want to feel wanted. Maybe it's a good thing I'm going home in a few weeks to see my family. Maybe that will help, and I get to see bfr and some old friends from a long time ago.

And I should be reading a chapter of organic chemistry right now, but, as usual, guy on the couch is snoring and I can't concnetrate, so instead I got super baked and decided to bitch about it. And kc is being weird and distant. She says it's because I'm not acting like myself around her. Screw that. I've got so much shit just swimming around in my head waiting to be indulged, it's a constant effort to keep it quiet and not listen to it.

Then to top it all off I had about one of the worst experiences of my life last weekend and it is still haunting me. A little less each day, but still. I went camping with as, sm, jl, and sf, and it was a really great weekend. Had some good laughs, went for a great hike (although I got a blister on my foot and that sucked), roasted marshmellows, lots of good stuff. And then on the way home it all changed.

We were on a 2 lane mountain road heading home and the guy driving in front of us kept weaving back and forth over the yellow line. Luckily as backed off the driver because he went over the line and didn't come back. A large pick-up towing a trailer swerved but the guy smashed into the trailer, spun around, the trailer jack-knifed at us, and suddenly we were stopped on the side of the road. Completely ok. And then we heard a kid screaming. We ran out of the car, a guy was already pulling the kid out of her car seat, opened the other door and pulled the driver's wife out. She was hysterical.

Her husband was hanging out the door, he looked dead, everything was all mangled and banged up and bloody. Mountain rescue got there pretty damn quick considering we were in an area with limited cell service. They landed a flight for life helicopter on the road, extracted the guy with the jaws of life, performed CPR as soon as he was released. Never did get him in the helicopter, instead they airlifted the little girl, apparently she was pretty injured.

It's amazing how seeing something so horribly tragic as that right in front of you can make you reassess your own situation. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Who would they call if something were to happen to me? And I'm still haunted by the image of the guy hanging out the door. The first night afterward I had aweful dreams with lots of blood. The deafening silence in the few seconds immediately following before people jumped to action just felt like death. And an incredible thankfulness that we managed to somehow avoid getting hit by the trailer or anything else.

So at least school has started. I'm realizing that I will be spending a lot of time at the library because I won't be able to study here. At least not while he's snoring. At least that's really the only problem with him except that he would live in absolute squalor if I didn't clean the damn house. Ok, enough bitching. Happy to be alive, happy to be back in school, happy to have something to keep my mind off the loneliness.

Which Way Do I Go?

So, I don't normally sit at work and type away, but I'm bored as fuck today and I don't feel like mindlessly surfing around Facebook. The only bit of work I was going to have to do today got pushed back to next week. Dragon hasn't given me anything to do and she knows I'm bored, so that's her own problem if I'm not doing anything.

And holy shit it's been a while since I've written anything. Yup, mn is still living in my office. I don't really see that changing anytime soon, but at least he's still working and still paying me. It's really not that bad, it's just making it slightly more difficult to get into the dating world.

Didn't pass my stupid ACS exam, and by only 3 questions! It definitely sucks, but I'm meeting with my professor today to discuss my options and hopefully he will let me into the graduate class. I feel like it will be yet another setback in my graduate studies if I have to take organic chemistry again.

Had to go buy a new car the other day. I'm pretty fucking excited about it! Really didn't want to have to buy one, but my car was a piece of shit and getting worse every day. At this point it was pretty unsafe to drive but at least I got the dealership to take $8000 off the price through deals, rebates, and a bit of negotiating. Now I have a cute new little Focus that gets so much better gas mileage. Only thing that will suck is the back seat doesn't fold down so having sex in it is going to get a little complicated.

Although, since it's been about a year since I've had any sort of sex I guess I'll worry about how to fuck in my car later. Uggh, I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like I need to write off kc for a little while because the little things that she is doing are starting to take their toll on me and they shouldn't. First it's we can't snuggle anymore until I start dating. Then she took that back and said that I just needed to be myself around her. And I feel like she is pulling back from me and whatever little time we do spend together. It really shouldn't affect me the way it does, but it does and it hurts and she doesn't get it. Or she does and that's why she's doing it. Either way it's fucking up my head.

But how the fuck can I be myself around her when I can't bitch about a bad date (or lack of dates right now), probably shouldn't bitch that I'm fucking horny and just want to get laid, and a whole host of other things that she doesn't want to hear about. I mean, sorry, but if I'm in a bad mood don't just assume that it's all because of you and because we're not together.

She's made it abundantly fucking clear that I'm not on her list of people to date. And it's not like I want to date her right now anyway. It didn't fucking work. At all. No matter how many times we tried my heart always got broken. It's not like anyone really wants to hear about how someone couldn't fall in love with them, when they have fallen completely in love.

The crappy part is that I just have no idea how to get into the dating world. I don't really have any money to date and when school starts I won't have time. Not to mention that now I'm going to have to put up with as's whiny shit if I go on a date because I think that she is still holding out some sort of hope that I'll somehow want to have a relationship with her or something.

I'm just not really into her. Although yesterday when we were chatting I found out that she actually has a brain but just doesn't use it because none of her friends are capable of having an intelligent conversation. Which is too bad for her because one of the ways to win me over is by not being stupid. I don't want some egotistical person bragging about their intelligence either, but don't be a moron.

I want someone that I can hold an intelligent conversation with. Someone who is stimulating and exciting to talk to, that can talk about something other than "that time I got drunk". When all of your stories begin with that line it becomes a problem. I want someone who is caring and romantic and nice. kc says I get walked all over because I'm too nice, but I want someone who doesn't walk all over their partner because they're too nice. I want someone who appreciates my kindness and doesn't take advantage of me and make me feel like shit. I want someone to snuggle with on the couch and who will hold my hand and hug me and maybe even go out their way to do things for me since that is the kind of person I am.

Is she out there? That elusive woman who can make my heart flutter when I see her, who makes me melt when we kiss? I want to feel that desire and spark and so far I haven't found it. Well, I had it with kc, but clearly she wasn't feeling it. But how do I meet people? I'm not sure how I feel about online dating but maybe that's the way to go for me. At least then I'd be able to find someone outside of kc or as's circle of friends.

I just want some kind of glimmer of hope that I will eventually find someone, someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I just need a sign that they will come into my life, that they are out there and wanting to find me as much as I want to find her.

The Guy On The Couch

So, as a favor to kc I'm letting her friend, mn, crash at my house. He wore out his welcome at her house and at cs's house, and it was either this or sleep in his car. It's not that bad so far, except that he snores. Loud. The whole point of having the doors in the office is so that he can close them when he goes to sleep and that would cut down on some of the snoring noise.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing like my stepdad's snoring, but it is still annoying. It's Friday night and I'm at home and I was going to get baked and clean my house but I can't do that because he is sleeping.

At least he has a job now. Except that he is so in debt to other people it's going to take him forever to pay them off and pay me to stay here. Yes, he is paying me to stay here. He got his first paycheck today and gave me some money. Not much, but at least it's something. And hopefully next week it will be more.

It's making it pretty hard to masturbate on my couch that's for sure. And I have to keep my pants on when I get home from work. But he leaves early in the morning and is gone most of the day so I really only see him at night. And his snoring doesn't shatter the walls like my stepdad's.

No new news on the dating front. The hot chick that came to 7's a couple of times hasn't been there the past few weeks, sb is in South Africa (and I'm pretty sure I don't want to date her, but she would be a fun friend), and as is still the same, although thankfully finally understanding that it's not going to happen.

Had a weird conversation with kc last night. Even though I know that she has no interest sexually in th it's still weird to see them hug and stuff. It's friendly and I suppose that I have some friends that I am friendly with, but at least I'm not doing it in front of kc.

Oh well. Should be working on my paper from my trip to Thailand but I'm going to go to the movies with as and some other people tomorrow morning. I'll go to the library after that though and get my paper written and if I need to do any more research at least I'll already be at the library. Then I have to get cracking on reading the organic chemistry book because I'm quickly running out of time to study for the ACS exam.

Not terribly exciting but that's the boat I'm in.

Standards

What the fuck? Why is it that I have suddenly developed standards about who I sleep with? It's like a fucking curse! Why did kc have to set the bar so damn high that now I can't just screw anyone who is willing? Why is it that I can't get off with a 1-nighter? Oh yeah, because now for some reason instead of not getting off because they were bad in bed, I can't get off because I don't have any sort of emotional connection to them.

I mean, it could be considered a good thing that I'm not out sleeping with whoever is willing. And not to toot my own little horn but I've got at least 2 offers on the table and I don't want to fuck either one of them. as is nice and all, but way too much of a party animal. She is living like she is constantly on spring break and I just am not down for that. So we hang out and watch baseball and occasionally have drinks, but she gets all huffy puffy when I don't accept every invitation she sends my way because I know she thinks that if I'm drunk she's got a better chance of getting me into bed.

And then there is igb, who I have had a fun and flirty friendship with for the past couple of years. We have never both been single at the same time and now we are and if I put it out there she'd hop on that train.

But I don't want either one of them. They would only be 1-nighters and if they could handle it afterward then friends. But I wouldn't be able to get off and half the fun is reaching the finish line; what's the point if that won't happen?

However this is my life, so of course it just can't be kc and as (igb doesn't really count, she's never stood a chance), there is sb. I met sb at a party back in January but didn't think that she would ever be interested since I'm a smoker. And then one night as (yup, as of all people) gets me to go to ladies night, where I see sb and she gets my number from one of our friends. Since then we have had a little flirty texting and whatnot going on, but we haven't actually hung out. Apparently she's kind of flaky and noncommittal which is perfect since that's about what I can handle.

So maybe sb will eventually get around to hanging out but since she'll be in Africa for all of July it's not going to be anytime soon. Although, she did tell me to invite her to watch tv again sometime. She had invited me to a party but said her friends sometimes bail, and of course they did. So we had a little flirty text convo and I had told her I was just watching a movie on my couch and she could join me, but it was late and she was heading to bed. And then she told me to invite her again.

I probably will next weekend. Sad that I plan these things for when kc is out of town, but since she is going to Kansas with dr and won't be back until Sunday at least I won't have to worry about her coming into my house.

Although, after the other weekend I doubt she'll be doing that anytime soon. as had kidnapped me to her house to play pong and had promised to give me a ride home later but then got too drunk to drive me home and that sucked. So I sent kc a goodnight text as I was planning on passing out on the couch. But of course got talked into more pong and then kc calls me at 2:30 (yeah, that's am) and is all, why aren't you home? Apparently she had found the key she had to my house and never told me and had decided she wanted to snuggle so came over and was freaked that I wasn't there. So she came and picked me up thank goodness because I really wasn't looking forward to having to sleep there (although kinda forgot to tell as that I was leaving so she was pissed for a few days but whatever) and was giving me the 3rd degree about why I would send a goodnight text when I wasn't asleep or in my own bed.

So yeah, since kc will be out of town next weekend and sb will be in Africa all of July, it'll be a good time to invite her over. And since she is flaky and noncommittal she may come over but most likely won't stay over so hopefully I won't have to worry about the sex issue coming up. But who knows, maybe I'll like her in which case I still won't want to sleep with her because I want to really like her if that happens.

Damn. I think my whole frame of mind got started because kc was all sad and upset about being single. Umm...you're the one who couldn't fall in love with me and you're bitching about being single? To me? I mean, it's one thing for me (who actually did fall in love) to be sad about being single, but the one who wanted to be single is suddenly upset about it? I mean, yeah it sucks. And I'm too nice to be mad at her. I want her to be happy, I wish it could be with me, but I'm accepting that it can't be. But I know the minute I start dating someone I actually like she is going to be different. She has said that she will be sad but she won't change how she treats me. I guess we'll see how that goes when it happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm almost waiting for her to just get on with it and get it on with someone else so that I can finally let go and move on completely.

I don't want to feel like I'm holding back with someone I could like because I'm afraid how kc will take it. But it's almost like I need that person to be worth it, because of the potential for kc to withdraw from me (despite promises not to). Again with the standards.

How?

How do you change the love you have for someone into another kind of love? How does it transform into the friendship kind of love that is the only kind possible right now? How do you stop being in love and just love?

I can't make my brain stop. I can't make my heart stop. It's impossible. Even after all these months. Even after all the tears and the heartache and the pain I still love her. She is one of my best friends. She knows more about me than anyone on Earth. She is the first person I want to share good news with and bad news with. She is the person I want to give me a hug and comfort me when I've had a bad day, and it's her smile I want to see when I've had a good day.

And yet sometimes I feel lonely, even when I'm with her. I want her to hold my hand and wrap her arms around me because she loves me, not because she is my friend but because she feels something inside her that makes her want to do it. I want the smile I used to see when I walked in the door. I want to fall asleep in her arms, not just her falling asleep with mine around her.

I want more than just a friend and companion. And maybe it is only that time will tell. Maybe sometime in the future it will work itself out. Maybe someone else will come into my life who fulfills those desires. Until then I will have to settle with being with myself.

I think the good thing is that every day I feel a little stronger and a little happier. I feel a little better being inside my skin and a little better being inside my head. It's definitely been quieter in my head. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are still days when it goes a little crazy, but I haven't had a day where I spontaneously burst into tears in a while so I think that's a good thing.

Although, today was close. But that's okay. It's that time of the month and the hormones are flowing. Maybe it's because kc actually came to my house the other night. She hasn't snuggled with me at my house in months and I was actually a little surprised that she wanted to come over since it had been so long.

But she did and it was nice. I fell asleep on her while she read in bed which hasn't happened in a while. It was snowing when I woke up so I called my boss and told her I would be late since traffic was a mess and we went and had breakfast. It was actually a pretty good day.

The crappy part was when I came home along later in the evening. I stayed in the library and studied while kc was at her evening class and then gave her a ride home from school and we had dinner and watched South Park, and then I had to go home. Home all alone.

I've become pretty used to being home alone. And yes, I do still love living alone. But after such a good day with kc, snuggling would have been nice. Shit a kiss goodbye would have been nice but since I haven't received a kiss in a really long time I'm not going to get my hopes up anytime soon for that to happen.

Which leads me back to my original question. How do I change the love I have for her?

I Hate You

My therapist thought it would be a good idea to make a list of all the things I hate about my former stepdad...so here goes:

I hate you
I hate you for taking away years of my life
I hate you for ruining my childhood
I hate that I can't remember the good times because you made the other times so bad my brain did its best to erase them
I hate you for all the things you threatened us with and all the things you did
I hate that I have glimpses of memories of things you did to me that I will never know for certain
I hate that you told me - A CHILD - that I was worthless and would amount to nothing
I hate that my sister is an alcoholic with no self-esteem because of you
I hate that she bases her self-worth on how men treat her and that she accepts being with a substandard man because she never saw how a relationship was supposed to be
I hate that I can't open up and trust people because I'm scared
I hate that you have made me feel like I am unworthy of love because I am damaged
I hate that you have had these effects on my life and that it still affects me
I hate having panic attacks near guns
I hate you causing me so much stress that my stomach has been irreparably damaged
I hate that you didn't treat my mom the way she deserves to be treated and loved
I hate that if you thought our hands weren't clean enough you would make us eat dinner on the floor with the dog
I hate that you alwasy fed me more than my sister, wouldn't let me leave the table until I was done, all the while calling me fat
I hate that I had to hide under my bed from you
I hate that you teased me mercilessly about anything
I hate that you would tickle me until I started crying because it hurt so bad
I hate the way you used to hit our wrists with your hand as hard as you could
I hate that you did nothing and laughed when your nephew exposed himself to me and tried to make me touch him
I hate that you wouldn't let me listen to any music other than country
I hate that you made us eat meat and potatoes every night and wouldn't let mom make anything else
I hate that you put me down so much I can't stand up for myself
I hate that you tried to kill my mom
I hate that you only spent 1 night in jail for it
I hate that to teach me baseball you threw the ball at my head as hard as you could
I hate that people tell me to just get over it
I hate having to explain to people why I'm a vegetarian, why I hate country music, and why I hate guns
I hate that after you did all that to us you had the audacity to request custody
I hate that I told my gram to stop waving her hands when she had a knife in it because I saw enough of that at home
I hate that my mom had to take on your debt to stay in the house
I hate that every time I look at the wall in the living room I know the patch for the hole where the arrow hit is hidden behind my sister's school picture
I hate that my gram felt like she had to rescue us on the weekends but I love that she did

There are so many things that I don't remember him doing to me that I don't want to remember. But how am I supposed to move past it if I can't remember it and process it? I don't want to remember, I don't want to know for sure, but I hate having suspicions.

I think that I just need to move past without remembering since nothing is going to bring back the memories. It was hard enough to just think of the list and it was emotionally draining.

In other news school is kicking my ass. I'm working hard to get work done but so many distractions keep coming up. And lately I've been feeling weird with kc. I mean, I don't expect our relationship to be like what it was. I'm just mad at myself for having these reactions.

It's like, I know she's busy, I know she has school, I don't know if she's seeing anyone. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's what I need for closure and to move on in our friendship. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. It's not like I couldn't move on and have a friends with benefits thing going on with ds.

But I'm not really feeling things with her. We went on a date a few weeks back, and it was nice and all, but I wasn't feeling it. Then she wanted to have sex later and at least I stopped that from happening. Except lately I've actually been feeling a little fired up, and maybe that's why I don't want to hang out with her, is because I know I don't want to sleep with her on an emotional level, but I'd probably sleep with her on a physical level.

That would be going against what I'm trying to accomplish right now though. I want to get to know someone and actually like them and have feelings for them before I sleep with them. The only problem is that the only person who is sparking any sort of sexual interest in me is kc, and that's not good since I know she is definitely not feeling that way about me. If she is she's keeping it hidden pretty well. I doubt that though, probably just my overactive imagination.

I hate being this way. I hate being in this sad state. I hate second guessing myself. I hate questioning everything that is going on in my head when I know that it is only delusional things that aren't real and that I'm just making mountains out of mole hills.

Such is my life. I'm still seeing my therapist every week and it's going well. I think if I keep going running maybe this weird sweating thing will stop. I think it's just because I haven't been working out or playing rugby which really sucks. I miss playing but school has got to be the priority and it is. I resisted going to the St. Patty's Day parade downtown today so I could get some homework done. I resisted beer pong last night so I could wake up and go running and do homework.

I need to be running more during the week and at least it's staying lighter out later. It means I should probably not stay at kc's house after I drop her off after school and actually go home and do stuff. I do homework and study at her house but I don't go running like I want because I want to spend time with her. But I really want this weird sweating thing to stop. I just randomly start sweating uncontrollably even if i'm not hot. My palms get sweaty, my armpits get stinky, sometimes my whole body gets sweaty, it's pretty fucking gross actually. Or maybe I should see a doctor about it since this is definitely not normal, at least for me.

Climbing Slowly

So I think that this professional help thing may work. Yeah, it's definitely not going to be easy, and it's going to take a while. But big holes are hard to climb out of. Last time I think I climbed out of the hole a little too quickly and I think it's kinda like when deep sea divers come up out of the ocean too quickly and something happens in their brains.

This time I'm coming up slowly. VERY FUCKING SLOWLY! Enough of this shit already. I want to be able to not get paralyzed with fear when a relationship that by all intents and purposes could've been fucknig wonderful comes along. Why can't I stop myself from overthinking and overanalyzing every damn thing that happens?

Well, we're starting to get past the preliminaries in therapy and getting to the shit that keeps fucking me up. She wants me to practice saying a self affirming mantra everyday and meditating 3 times a day for 10 seconds at a time. Like I said, we're starting off slowly.

At this point I will try anything. I'm trying to level the playing field in my head to get the underdog to come out on top, to stop always thinking the worst case scenario and then in an effort to learn how to express my feelings I think it's a good fucking idea to express the feelings in my head which are totally and completely unfounded and just make me seem neurotic and insane.

And on Monday I hit the big 3-0. That's right, 30. I thought I was okay with it. I think I'm okay with it. It's just weird. I mean, I knew this day was coming, but it always seemed so far away. And here I am staring it in the face, wondering how the fuck I got into this hole I'm in, and thankful it didn't take me 'til I was 40 to figure out I was even in a hole.

School started this past Monday. Failed my p chem test so I gotta take p chem 2 and get a B or better. At least I was only taking one class so now I'm taking 2, instrumental analysis and p chem 2. This will at least keep my mind occupied.

Stupid people snuggling in this movie. I want some snuggling. I want some comfort. Damn and a sex scene. I want some of that too. Except I think I figured out my problem. I have one-nighters with girls that I'm not attracted to in an effort to keep myself attached to kc just in case. I gotta let go of the just in case. Which means no more one-nighters. At least with girls I'm not attracted to. I was at least attracted to rc, but not so much sm or jj.

But I think that I need to be friends first. That seems to work out better for me. I get a chance to relax and be myself and not who I think I should be and it seems to set up a better foundation for an actual relationship. So I'm just gonna meet people and make friends. And go through a lot of batteries. I'm going to be out of the hole before I start walking along that path again.

I don't get it

Well, it's certainly been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I rang in the New Year in a way I never saw coming. I jumped in the reservoir for the polar plunge. I have successfully found a therapist I like. She has decided that weekly meetings are going to be best for now, until things start going better for me. We're sorting through childhood issues, why I have a problem expressing my anger, what is holding me back from having a successful relationship. So that's good.

But I still don't know what to do with kc. She was away on vacation for the last 2 weeks and I only talked to her a couple times. And the first 2 times were good, however the last one was really awkward and ended up with her accusing me of sleeping with one of my friends.

It's like, she doesn't want to know what I do, if I see other people, if I sleep with other people, and yet it feels like she takes pride in "catching me" in a lie. She's the one that wants me to lie to her, so what the fuck? It's not like it was even a lie. I was going to hang out with rc and sr (who by the way are now a couple and moving in together) and since kc hates rc since I slept with her, what, like a fucking year ago, I have to not tell kc when I hang out with her. It's not like I want rc, if I did, I wouldn't have gone back to kc after all that shit last year.

It's just that, when we were talking on the phone the other night, she said it. She said I love you. Where the hell did that come from? Then she gets mad at me for not saying it back and says I just gave myself away and that she caught me. Excuse me? Sorry for not saying it back, but really, I thought that the first time she said it to me, she would be looking at me, seeing me, and telling me something coming from her heart and I would feel special and it would be wonderful.

Let's backtrack a second. A couple weeks ago we went to a party and when we got back to kc's house she laid into me about not being able to open up and how she had wanted so badly to fall in love with me and that she loves me but she's not in love with me. And it got ugly and there was screaming and it didn't end well. But we moved past it, however it still stings so much to hear I love you but I'm not in love with you. And then she goes and says I love you on the phone to me. How the fuck am I supposed to react to that? What did she expect? It certainly didn't make me feel special and I think the first time you say it to someone it shouldn't be on the phone unless there are just some ridiculously extenuating circumstances. And I don't think being on vacation qualifies since she was only gone for 2 weeks and we've been doing this thing for almost 2 years now.

Holy shit, 2 years. Last night before I had to pick kc up at the airport I was talking to her roommate and she asked why I was still here. She thinks that I put up with a lot of shit from kc, and no one (apparently this is a source of discussion for a lot of people) understands why I put up with it.

I have just started feeling lately like things are completely one-sided in our "relationship". For example, Christmas morning I woke up early at my house and just sent her a good morning text. She sends me a text at 7am and asks if I'm still awake because she has a tummy ache and would really love some 7up. I was still awake so I got up, made some coffee, and made my way over to her house with some 7up and some soup. I'm a nice friend like that and being sick sucks. Then, 2 days later I wake up feeling not so hot and she's all, you should drink some 7up. But would she bring me some so I could lay in bed and try and feel better, no.

I can't really remember the last time she came over to my house. I always go over to her house. Usually I don't care, it's more fun, there's more people, and I need to socialize more. It's just sometimes it would be nice if she actually came to see me, made the effort, made me feel like she wants me in her life. And lately, it's just making me sad.

It's like she wants her cake and the icing and to have it served on a silver platter. She wants all of the good parts of a relationship with me, the snuggling, the attention, the talking, but she also wants to go out and date and look for other people. But I can't do the same. She freaks out. Fuck, she'd probably lose her shit if she knew everything that I did on New Year's and First Friday.

I don't know why I care so much. Well, I do. It's because I do love her. She may never have been in love with me, but I'm still in love with her. Maybe we do have to take a step back and not be together or see each other for a little while. Maybe that's the only way. Except, in my head, I want her to miss me, to think, to realize what she could lose. I don't think that would happen.

Maybe I'm still taking it from her because I have some delusional hope that she will get her shit together and figure it out and acutally be in love with me. It's hard, we have/had such a great connection. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Maybe I am a sadist for taking it. Maybe I enjoy the pain. Well, no, I don't enjoy the pain, but the happiness of the good times just feels so good and so right that it's hard to not put up with the pain in the hopes that the happy times will return.

Although, my therapist made a good point this morning. I was talking about how bfr and I would take care of each other in college. We had the buddy system. One night it would be my turn to be the drunk girl, another night it would be her turn. We would look out for each other, make sure the other made it home safe in her intoxicated state. And that's how a relationship is supposed to go. It should be an equal amount of give and take. And it's not that way with kc right now. It's me giving and her taking.

Right now she is being all wishy washy and unsure and not the confident self-assured person that I fell in love with. Except right now I'm also that way. And a relationship doesn't work when both people are sick, it only works when one person is there for the other when they need it and vice versa. It's an even amount of give and take, not one person giving and the other person taking.

I think I just need to ask her what set her off after the party and where the I love you came from. Then maybe we can figure out where to go from there.

Bored...hmmm

This has kinda been a lonely little time for me. I've actually started looking for a therapist. I mean, yeah, I think I got some shit to work out before I can move on. I think that I am officially putting women on the back burner for now. I just can't deal with the shit anymore, it's fucking me up. So much so that I am seeking professional help. Fuck.

I know I've got some issues, who doesn't, but when you can't move on and you don't want to look even though she's sending you the most ridiculously clear signals that it's time to move on because for all you know she's already started looking, then it's time to seek help. Really, why can't she just get over herself? Perfect doesn't fucking exist, or maybe I'm just trying too hard, or I just don't have the right standards. I don't fucking know.

The only thing I know is that I can't seem to move on, I'm holding on to some ridiculously stupid hope that she will get a piano dropped on her head and wake up and suddenly realize that she is indeed making a huge mistake not trying to figure out how to make it work. And not really caring.

Oh, she'd say she cares, that's why we can't be together, because it just wasn't ever going to work. But I don't think she realizes just how mean she has been to me lately. Apparently, "I just want an alone night" means I'm gonna get drunk with my roommates and some friends and puke. Whatever, maybe I just have too many alone nights. Apparently, midnight is a good time to say...I just need to be alone tonight, but I wish we could have taken a bath together, since I didn't get an alone night last night because I got drunk with people.

She told me that it would hurt when I started dating again. She said just don't tell her, don't let her find out. But she still wants to snuggle. Sometimes. When it's good for her.

I know her life is fucking crazy right now. Her kitchen is being remodeled so her house is trashed basically everyday, and every night she cleans it again, only for it to be trashed the next day. Her cats don't like all this craziness so one of them is constantly going to the bathroom not in the litter box. But that's still no excuse to be mean to me. Maybe she doesn't even realize it. At least I'm getting better at telling her what's on her mind.

The other day I came close to burning down my work, yes, I hate it that much. So I stopped by her house after I talked to my professor to just bitch and get it out of my system, and she starts telling me what I should do and giving me her opinion. I was like, please, stop, I don't want to hear what I should do, I know what I should do, I just want to bitch and be done with it. She was definitely surprised.

I don't know why I put up with it. I mean, I do, everyone does, doesn't mean it's a good place to be. Maybe it is okay that she doesn't want to be around me all that much anymore. She never really came to my house anyway. I always have to go to her house. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes it would be nice if she just wanted to come here. Sometimes she misses me. I doubt really all that much, but who knows, she doesn't ever really express her feelings so I have no idea.

Someday my princess will come. Someday someone will bring me flowers. Someday someone will love me best, someone will choose to be with me. Today isn't that day. Tomorrow probably won't be either. I really hope my someday is out there, that would suck if it wasn't.

When Hell Freezes Over

That is probably what will happen the next time I get laid. Let's just say the prospects just really aren't all that good. I love a girl who just can't be with me that way. So we just snuggle. That's it...just snuggle.

Which is really nice, but I have needs. But I don't want to go out and just get laid. I want someone who is okay with being in a relationship with me, who won't keep going back and forth, but yeah, they have to be a good snuggler.

I'm a close sleeper, I like the feeling of her next to me, and so does she. And I've found, with the number of people that I've slept next to, that not everyone likes it, actually, most people don't. I don't get it, but, hey, I just can't be with them.

I want someone who likes to surprise me and do sweet things. Have yet to find that, well, almost.

Oh well, I'm pretty much occupied by work and school, so I don't really have that much time, so it'd be nice if someone else was in that situation so they wouldn't be disappointed that I can't be with them all the time. Plus I like my space. I like living alone. A lot.

But ya know, not every night. I want to feel special, loved, appreciated, I want to feel those things for someone who can return them.

In other news...I rocked my inorganic final! I got a 44/50 and brought my grade up to a B. It was a pretty close call there, before the final I had the bottom of a C and you have to get a B- to pass the class. There are 4 masters core courses and you have to get a B- in all of them. So if I do really well on my presentation then I should get a solid B in the class and not have to do extra work. He said if I didn't have a B- I would have to do extra work over winter and spring semesters to show I understand what the class is about. Hopefully I do well on my presentation.

Work...eh, it's a job. I have a goal. Everyday that I leave for school I just tell myself it'll be worth it in the end. Every Friday night I spend at home doing work or recovering from a rough week I know it will be worth it when it's over. I will appreciate every day that I don't have to do it. When I'll actually have leisure time, that will be nice.

Can't wait for Thanksgiving next week! No school all week, and I have Thursday and Friday off from work. No idea what I'm doing for Thanksgiving yet, but have invitations to a few different places.

Time to read my Cosmo and think about all the sex I'm not having. Sometimes it sucks. Today would be one of those days.

Bitchy Woman

So, I've been at this job for about 4 months now. I finally have health insurance...woo hoo!! But my boss has been back from maternity leave for about a month now and I gotta tell you, what the fuck is her problem? It's like she purposefully doesn't tell me stuff and then tries to make me feel bad when I mess something up. Which I wouldn't have messed up if she had just told me about it.

I don't get it, why would she do that? And she sends me the stupidest e-mails, she'll ask a question and it's like, um, if you had actually read the message I sent to you then your question would already be answered and you wouldn't be wasting my fucking time trying to deal with this shit.

Thursday was just a really bad day for me. I mean, fuck, I was crying on the way in to work when I was thinking about all the stuff I had to do. They sent me to a stupid meeting in Chicago, where the only high point was that I made friends with another girl who was also at the meeting, and we were flying the same airline so we hung out at the bar before our flights and that was nice. So I got to work Thursday morning and had 123 e-mails, and no, I'm not overexaggerating here, that's how many I really had. We had a conference call which was going over essentially the exact same thing that I had to do at the meeting so it was a huge waste of time. I had a giant bucket of samples that I had to measure and I've got dragon lady breathing down my neck for all sorts of stupid shit that she should be doing.

So the one lday who I like and is nice at work took me out for some coffee because she came by my next and saw me freaking out. So that was really nice. She thinks that dragon lady dumps all this shit on me because I'm smarter than her, which isn't really any consolation because this job isn't rocket science.

But work wasn't the only reason I was freaking out, it doesn't really make me freak out, just when you add onto it all the shit I have for school. I had a test that I was supposed to take on Wednesday but I had to take Tuesday morning because of the stupid Chicago trip so that sucked. I missed out on a day and a half of studying because of work.

And now I had a midterm in my advanced inorganic chemistry class on Tuesday. So Thursday I was supposed to go to practice because we had an exec board meeting afterward but I have just had to make peace with the fact that if something has to get cut back, it's my rugby time. I have to do really well on this test or I'm going to fail the class. My professor is a pain in the ass and he just doesn't understand why I don't get stuff. But it's like if he explains it a little different, or words something differently then I get it. I've been meeting with him for the last couple of weeks to review stuff so it's getting better, it just takes a lot of time. So I had to ditch practice on Thursday but I've been plowing through making my study cards so it was definitely a good thing that I missed it.

I just really wish I had more time. kc really wanted to have sex on Sunday night and I just passed out because I was so tired. That's pretty much never happened to me before and it sucks because it hasn't been all that frequently lately that she says she wants to have sex. But it's like she is more interested in me now because I have so much going on and I don't really have all that much time for her. I don't get it but at least I just don't really have time to think about it.

So yeah, if anyone has invented a way to make time stop so that I can get all my stuff done (or even have time to eat) please let me know. Otherwise, it seems like almost everything I love is getting pushed to the side so I can get school work done. Maybe I'll get a break for next weekend since my tests will be over and I'll actually get to enjoy rugby and stuff. Today I'm going to watch a game at the stadium, there are 2 games this weekend but I can only watch 1 because I need to keep studying and since our actual game is tomorrow and I won't be able to study then I need to get it done today.

I can't believe I've signed up for another 3 years of this. At least I think next semester will be better since it's a couple of repeat classes. But after that, fuck, it's going to be hard. I know, it's my own fault, I sgned up for this all on my own, and I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn't realize it was going to consume every free moment of my time and some moments that aren't free. I really wish I didn't have to scale back rugby so much because that is my release, but at least we have a game tomorrow. No idea how much I'll actually play since I haven't been to practice and there are 2 new girls who don't get told they're too skinny to prop. Oh well, hopefully I can at least get to play a half.

Fuck this is crazy. At least I don't want to jump off a bridge today. Wish I could have slept longer but I passed out early last night so at least I can get some studying in before the girls get here for the game.

Just when it was going so well...

The shit hits the fan. As usual, or at least as what usually happens with kc and me. As we all know, I'm kind of a super horny girl. That's not my fault! But apparently, I'm just not dominating enough for kc. She says that she has or is having or what the fuck ever a mental block about having sex with me.

Again with the I'm such a good girlfriend and we have a great emotional connection and that part of our relationship is just so fucking perfect, that of course something has to be wrong because she doesn't want to have sex with me. The kicker is that on Friday night when we were having dinner she said that I should be secure with our relationship and not worry. Not fucking worry?!?! How the hell am I supposed to not worry when the very next day she tells me that she can't be in a sexless relationship and that every time we have sex she gets some delusional idea that I have expectations.

Expectations of what? The only expectations that I have are that she is honest with me and treats me well. Hardly unrealistic expectations. It's not like I want to move in or get married, and I'm pretty sure that I have stated that on more than one occasion. Unless she thinks that I have some kind of hidden agenda which I don't. If I had wanted any of that stuff from our relationship it would have been over long ago.

So now I get to hang out in fucking limbo again waiting for her to decide if she wants to break my heart again. It's like what the hell? Last weekend we had a good weekend, a little rocky when she didn't want to have sex and made me cry. But then we started talking about stuff, played a little truth or dare, which was more like truth. She told me she loves me and adores me, and yes she used the love word. I told her that I didn't expect her to say that a lot and that I always just thought that it was kind of an unspoken thing with us, that we each knew it but it didn't have to be said for it to be known. And she agreed.

And now this fucking shit about I can't be in a sexless relationship and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. I know it's not fucking fair to me. I have been nothing but fun and a great person to be with (once I got over all the ex shit). I give her little surprises and treats, mail her fun things, things that I wish she would do for me but never gets the hint. Apparently I have a submissive side that comes out after we have sex and it's causing her to have some mental block against having sex with me.

Is me being slightly submissive really a deal-breaker for her? I've told her that if she wants to get my dominant side she has to build and create an environment that will allow me to be able to do that. I need to trust that if I do something like that that she is going to go along and actually want to have sex and be into it. How the fuck am I supposed to get into my dominant mood when I can't even get her in the mood? I mean, I'm always in the mood. Well, almost always, right now it's a little skewed because I haven't been getting any on a regular basis.

Although apparently she won't mind if I sleep with someone else as long as she doesn't know about it. Apparently I didn't hide it well enough when I slept with rc. And then she freaked the fuck out and then a week later she wanted to be with me but without expectations. And then it was too much again. And then she wanted to be able to sleep with me without expectations. Apparently because I would feel guilty if I slept with someone else that means I have expectations.

I just really don't fucking get her. It's almost as if she is sabotaging the relationship because of who the fuck knows what. She did tell me when I first met her that she usually has a 1-2 year time limit on relationships. I mean is she getting the 2 year itch early? Did some past relationship fuck her up so much that she thinks that all girls have expectations? I know that the reason she doesn't want anyone to move in is because of some girl she moved in with a long time ago. Since then she has broken up with girls if they ask to move in.

First off, I don't want to live in her house. I like my house. Her house is where I go when I want to put a little crazy in my life. There are always people coming and going and it's just a sporadic environment. I like hanging out there but in no way would I want to live there. I like the quiet stability of my house. I like the peacefulness and serenity of my house.

Next, I'm not looking to get married. Does she think I have some hidden agenda to trap her? She has mentioned that if she's in a relationship with me she loses her freedom. Where the hell did she get that? I am not some psycho controlling girlfriend who wants to keep track of her every move. I don't keep her from hanging out with her friends. I encourage it because I don't want some controlling girlfriend questioning where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't fucking know. I just wish that she would figure out what the fuck is going on in her head that is keeping me from getting laid and just relaxing and having fun. Because after she puts me through this and we keep hanging out and then things are good she is going to want to sleep together again after she realizes that I am a great girlfriend and I don't have any expectations.

Social Dissent - How The Little Mermaid Is Corrupting Children

So since I don't really have any bitching to do about my life, and I enjoy getting fired up every now and again, I'm going to start posting some smartass sarcastic observations that I've made.

A few weeks ago I went to visit some friends and in the morning we had a little wake and bake and watched The Little Mermaid. Yes, the Disney classic, if classic is the right word. And I noticed something incredibly disturbing about that movie.

In what world would it be okay to let a child (ok, I guess child is the wrong word, in the book she's supposed to be 16), or teenager for that matter, think that it is perfectly acceptable to completely give up your identity to go after some guy that you've met once and have never spoken to?

Seriously. This girl is 16-years-old, she is allowed to roam free (ok yeah I know, it was under the sea, but come on) with no rules or curfew, only the knowledge that she can't talk to humans and she has to obey her father. But she doesn't.

So what does she do when she meets a guy and falls instantly in love with him? She does some drugs, given to her by some seedy woman who of course makes her trade something valuable for it. She gives up her voice, one of her biggest assets, and then she is willing to give up the life she has for a guy she hasn't even talked to.

And where does this get her? Rock bottom...literally. Well, not her, her father when the seedy woman comes to collect and turns her father into a wallowing soul on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Then the movie has the audacity to have a happy ending just further proving that if you disobey your parents and are willing to give up your identity you will live happily ever after. Who the fuck are they kidding? If you take away the cartoon Disney fascade you'd have the makings of an after school special warning kids to not take drugs and act impulsively. Of course in the after school special the girl would probably get pregnant and the guy would leave her as soon as he found out. But in the Disney version everything ends up all hunky dorey, her father is happy, the seedy woman is killed, and the girl gets what she wants.

Should we really condone this sort of behavior to children? Of course, children don't see it this way. Children watching this movie just hear the songs, some might be scared of the seedy woman, and think that in the end, everything will be alright. They will grow up, meet someone, fall instantly in love, maybe have a few troubles, but if they are persistent or run away their parents will simply go along with what they want.

Crazy Busy

So, in my quest to do everything I wanted to do this summer, I may have bit off more than I can chew. My French class is going great. Tomorrow is the last day of summer 7's. Saturday is the NA4 rugby championships so the girls will be partying at my house all day and then we're going to watch the games at night.

But...I've been spending the last 2 weeks studying, feeling like I'm getting nowhere with it, and that I'm going to basically have to repeat all of the major chemistry classes I took in college so that I can start the master's program. I know I want to go back to school, I just didn't realize that all of this prep work was going to have to be condensed into such a short amount of time.

Luckily my mom doesn't throw anything away so she is mailing me all my college notes that she could find. But I'm still freaking out. I have to take 1 test every day next week. I have to leave work early at 2:30pm so I can take the test from 3:30-5:30pm. And then go home and keep studying for the test that is the next day.

Plus kc went to CA to visit her family so she asked me to look after her house since her roommate isn't that reliable. But she is flying me out to San Francisco to visit her next Thursday for the weekend. So next Thursday is going to be ridiculously crazy. I'll have to go to work early, leave to take the test, meet with the professor afterward to discuss what classes I can take since I don't find out my exam scores until after I take all of them. Then run to kc's house and water the garden and check on the kitties and then head to the airport. Hopefully I'll have time to squeeze in a shower because I hate flying dirty even though I always feel gross after I get off an airplane.

It'll be a fun weekend though. We're getting a hotel room on Thursday night since I don't get in until around midnight or so. And I've never been to SF before so that will be fun. My French teacher said I had to write a story about what I did since I'll be missing class but that will be fun. And I borrowed the 3 Musketeers in French from the library so I could get a little more exposure. That'll be my book for the airplane.

So yeah, crazy busy shit going on. Time to crack open my organic chemistry book again and see how much I can get done tonight before I pass out. I should probably cook some dinner sometime too since I'm starving. Although my stomach has been all fucked up for the last couple of days and I'm breaking out like mad because of the stress. I shouldn't stress but I just can't help it. At least I'm not having any stress with kc because I don't think I could handle having any more stress. Hopefully none of the rugby girls get into any drama this weekend.

Suppose I should get my ass in gear for another long night of reading chemistry...oh so fun. Looks like a bowl of cereal it is going to be for dinner. Or maybe I'll grill up a turkey burger, those are pretty quick to make too. Fuck, I just don't know which direction to go in. Ok, food first then studying.

Surprises

Why do I still get surprised when things are good with me and kc for more than a month? It's like, I don't expect them to stay that way because something always gets messed up. But I'm doing my best to keep that feeling in check.

I shouldn't be surprised. I should be happy that things have finally gotten to the point that we're communicating really well and we're excited to see each other and she still wants sex, although I think that her recreational use affects that slightly.

She knows it does, but, I mean, as long as I'm still getting it I really don't care how much she smokes. It's not like I'm in charge of her life. She does what she wants, so do I.

Last night I decided to go visit some girls on the rugby team that I hadn't seen in a while. kc and I are supposed to be going camping tonight and climbing a 14er tomorrow. It was very sweet that she wanted to climb this one with just me. We'll climb the other ones with our friends later but she actually said she wanted to do it with just me.

Usually she's always down for inviting other people so it was definitely a good change of pace that she wanted to spend the time with just me. Especially considering that one of my biggest complaints from before was that I never got enough alone time with her.

And, for the last week or so, when she sends me an e-mail she's been signing it love, k. And I will NOT overthink and overanalyze this. It's special and that's all and that's all I'm going to think about it. I'm not going to push for some sort of verbal confirmation that what she is writing is what she is actually feeling.

Last Friday when I went out for happy hour with some friends she came to pick me up because I told her I probably shouldn't drive. I felt bad because she had to leave a party to come and get me, although we did end up going back to the party after, and she said it was ok, it's something that girlfriends do for each other.

So the love and girlfriend thing is a good. I'm enjoying my time and my days and it's working out well for us right now. I think that all the shit that we've been through we had to go through because it got us to where we are now. So I'm just going to remain calm and happy and go with it because that's the best thing to do.

Long Time

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had an evening where I can just sit here and give an update about me. Life has been crazy busy lately. Summer 7's is in full swing and my French class has been going on for a couple weeks now.

It's been nice being busy. I like it. Keeps me from overthinking things. Which, I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Just been relaxed and doing what I want to do. So far my idea of having a selfish summer has worked out well. A few weeks ago I went out on my friend j's boat, went wakeboarding for the first time. That was so much fun! But holy shit does it work your muscles. My back was sore for a couple days, but hopefully I'll have another couple free weekends to go out again and try it.

For the 4th of July kc was out of town (not that that mattered) but I wanted to climb a couple 14ers. Drove up to the mountain after class and slept in my car in the parking lot. It's actually pretty comfy with the back seats folded down flat. It was a really gorgeous day, not nearly as bad weather as the last time I climbed that mountain. I had to do both of them because the last time I went up there with the ex her and her sister wimped out of doing the 2nd one and then talked me out of doing it by myself. kc was a little worried about me doing them by myself but I wasn't, they're pretty heavily trafficed mountains so if something did happen there was plenty of other people around. It was great to just get out there and do it myself and know that I could do it myself.

Then this past weekend there was an event at the Botanic Gardens through my French class. It was catered by 6 different French restaurants in town with tons of food and wine. I took kc to it as a surprise and she really liked it. The gardens were closed off to the public so we had the whole place to ourselves. We got to wander around with food and wine and look at the pretty flowers and all the displays, it was really peaceful and fun. I even tried escargo! I was a little worried about how it would taste since I don't like clams because of their squishy bellies. But it was inside a pastry and had this delicious sauce and I liked it!

I think this weekend kc and I are going to climb another 14er. Some of my friends want to join us when we do one but kc wants to do this one with just me. Should be fun, get to do another hike, think we're going to just sleep in the back of my car like I did before. And then in a couple weeks I think I'll go with my friends to do the other ones that I want. It's cool because the ones I did on the 4th you can do 2 in one day and the ones I'll do with my friends you can do 3 in one day.

Then in a couple weeks I'm going to San Francisco to meet kc for the weekend. She is going to go out there for a week and see her family and then she's flying me out there to visit her for the last weekend. Some friends of hers moved to a town right near San Francisco so we're going to visit and stay with them.

I got my application done for the masters program so hopefully I'll be able to start that in the fall. I ordered my transcripts from college today and I just have to mail out my recommendations and a check for the processing fee tomorrow and I should be all good.

I think this sense of independence and doing what I want to do is actually helping my relationship with kc. Things have been good with us for the last month. She is excited about seeing me and we have stuff to talk about, not just stuff she's doing but stuff I'm doing. And she wants me to practice my french that I'm learning with her.

I'm really liking this class. It's definitely hard, there is just so much to learn, but it's a total perk that my teacher is hot. I've never had a hot teacher before. And now I get to add studying for the tests I'll have to take for grad school to what I get to do at night when I'm at home. So, have no fear, I'll keep updating this thing but probably not as frequently as I normally would.

As for work...whatever. It's a job. Totally unsatisfying and fairly boring. It would be cool if I could go to China sometime but it's okay, I'll make it there someday. They keep wanting me to get involved in all of these things that I have absolutely no idea about. I don't think my boss realizes that I'm not a fucking accountant...I'm a scientist. If he wants me to make sure they are environmentally compliant with everything and talk to them about all this stuff great, I can do that. But he wants me to keep track of this shipping stuff and talk to people about orders they are placing. It's not really all that hard, it's just shit I've never done before.

So that's the lowdown on what's been going on with me. Life is good and busy. My selfish summer is paying off. I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sucks that I can't do everything, if only people would schedule things on weekends and evenings that I have free. But, I'm having fun and that's really all I care about.

Carousels

They go up and down and round and round...kind of like my relationship with kc. Maybe she did just have PMS last weekend when she said she didn't want to have sex with me again because she sure does now. Or maybe that's all she wants. No, that's not it. I know that she wants something with me, but it can't involve expectations.

We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.

So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.

I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.

I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.

This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.

Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.

We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.

I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.

So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.

Raining and Pouring

Fuck when it rains it pours! I mean, here I am unemployed for 3 months, I finally get a job and now I'm getting letters and phone calls about other jobs. Seriously? This company is great and all but it's not my dream job. I do quality for a company that imports baby clothes. I'm the person who makes sure that there isn't anything that the kid can pull off and choke on...yes, you heard me.

The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.

And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.

I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.

On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.

Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.

I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.

And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.

Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.

I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.

Has it been that long?

Damn, life comes at you fast, just like the commercial says. LOTS of new things in my life. So let's start with the obvious...my employment. As a requirement for my unemployment I have to fill out 5 job applications a week. Riiight, because 5 chemistry jobs that I'm qualified for just open up all the time. So, I've been applying to all kinds of random jobs, mostly ones that I'm either way overqualified for that don't pay shit or ones that I'm completely not qualified for just because.

So I've been doing this for the last 3 months. Last week I apply for a quality control job at this company. I just looked at the requirements and thought, well, I'm definitely not qualified, but what the fuck, I'll apply anyway. And the next day they called me for an interview! Then I actually took a look at the company's website and thought, well, they probably won't hire me because this company imports baby clothes, but what the hell, I'll go.

The interview went well enough and they seemed to like me but I just thought they were being nice. And then they called me the next day and offered me the job! And then they told me that they would pay me what I asked!

I started on Tuesday. It's definitely not my field that's for sure. But, it's a job, and one that pays well. And this just reinforces in me that I need to get my masters and teach some undergrad chemistry. I'm feeling scientific withdrawl. This job will be totally cake once I get it figured out. The people at the company are nice enough and all very willing to make sure I get help with what I don't know. And I get to travel for them. Next week I'm going to exciting Arkansas to take a tour of one of their testing labs. Eventually I'll get to go to Shanghai so that's exciting. I might see if I can make a stop in Japan for a couple days on my way home if I ever do get to take that trip.

So yay, I'm employed! Now I just need to get my application for school finished. Oh, and I signed up for this French class! It starts next month and I'm really excited for it. I really want to become fluent in another language and since I already know enough broken Spanish to get by I decided I wanted to learn French. And kc paid for the class in exchange for the home organization stuff I've been doing for her. I think it was a good tradeoff.

And in kc news I suppose we can go there. We had a good weekend last weekend, except for my drunken hysteria on Friday night. I was just so fucking angry at her and told her and freaked out on her, and the alcohol didn't help my cause. So I ended up driving home around 4:30am because I just couldn't be near her anymore. Or c, because c has a crush on kc, and is always all over her and touching her and hugging her. And kc doesn't like her like that, and I wigged out because I have heard that fucking line before. At least with a I saw it coming. And I really want to believe her, but the way she has been with me lately I guess it doesn't really matter.

She's still in her I'm too busy to hang out with you even though I have good intentions. She lost her cell phone for all of last week so we've actually been having to talk on the phone which is nice. But, fuck, I mean, for all her, we need a date, we should have sex, I miss you crap, she isn't doing a fucking thing about it. This morning she sends me a text (yeah, after a week she finally realized she was never getting her phone back and bought a new one) at 6am saying that she's finally going to bed and if I can't sleep I can come and sleep with her. Except she was going to sleep on her couch. Now, if there's just no real other choice I'll sleep on the couch, it's just been uncomfortable with my ribs because they stiffen up and I wake up in pain. And why the fuck would I leave my comfortable warm bed that I've been sleeping in all night to go lay on a couch that would make me uncomfortable?

I don't know. I told her I was having an argument in my head (which has apparently become code for, I've got some shit to talk to you about). Lately, I just keep playing these scenarios out in my head, arguments between us, and seeing how they would go in an effort to find the best way to tell her stuff. So far it's working, and it's definitely better than a drunken hysterical evening exploding on her.

So, that's what's been going on lately. Today I have to go get the other half of my curtains. I decided to hang some curtains in my bedroom to cut down on the morning light so I could sleep late. Except that it didn't say on the fucking package that it only contained half of the curtains. I suppose they're the first nice thing I've bought for my house since I moved in (aside from the couch) so I didn't mind paying what I did for them. I'm just pissed that the curtain was only big enough for half the window. So now I have go to back to the store today and get the other half. And I got a coupon for a free memory foam pillow when I moved in, that thankfully doesn't have an expiration date, so I'm going to pick that up today. Why the hell not, I shouldn't bend my schedule or what I want to do because kc can't make any fucking time to spend with me.

And at least last weekend I wasn't really worried about it. I had a ton of stuff to do with the rugby girls and it was fucking fun. We worked the beer tent at the festival and I spent most of the weekend with them. Plus kc's mom was in town so I got to see her, and cousin g was here.

Well, now it's Saturday morning. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, finish some laundry (that got neglected all last weekend and has been piling up), take a shower, head over to kc's to see if she wants to go to the store with me, and then do some shit. Maybe I'll lay out on the lawn and work on my tan. I definitely need to clean out my car. There is a show tonight that I might go to that sounds like it'll be fun. So I've got some stuff on my plate to do today whether or not kc actually wants to spend some time with me.

Missing me

Well, I guess patience has its virtues. I have barely seen kc in the past few weeks because she's been busy with school and stuff. So I decided to just give her her space and let her miss me. And I guess she has.

She asked me what I was doing later last night because she wanted to come over and sleep at my house. Then she had a few beers and couldn't drive. So this afternoon she called me saying she had to go to town to do some stuff and since I was going also did I want to meet up later? She said she missed me, feels like she hasn't seen me in forever, which she hasn't. So I guess letting her figure it out on her own was the way to go.

I mean, it sucks, it was kind of agonizing letting her realize it, but I guess the bright side is that she did realize it. And actually hearing her say it (yes, she called instead of texted me like she usually does) was really nice. She said she felt like she hadn't seen me in forever. Which in all actuality she hasn't.

So, I guess it's not all bad that I gotta drive up to rugby practice (which I can't participate in) and have that meeting afterward. We're going to meet up and have a late dinner and get to snuggle and that will be nice. I mean, I'm not getting my hopes up that it will all work out, but she should be done with the project she has to do up there, so hopefully it does.

Who knows, maybe she'll actually come to my rugby tournament on Saturday. I mean, I doubt it since rc will be there, but maybe. And she is going to come over for a BBQ on Sunday with my aunts. I have to pick them up at the airport tomorrow night. I can't wait to see them. They have to be 2 of my favorite relatives that I have, 2 that I am the closest to, 2 that saved me last summer.

I was in a really bad place and I went to spend the week with them. It was just before I became homeless and while I was there was when I found out I was being laid off. I was in a bad place with kc. And I went there for a week and relaxed, unwound, got some shit together in my head, and by the time I came back here I was feeling so much more better. My outlook on life had greatly improved. So I really can't wait to see them!

Looks like it should be a good weekend. My aunts get here tomorrow night, rugby tournament and flip cup tournament on Saturday, BBQ with kc and my aunts on Sunday, and then a day to do whatever with my aunts on Monday. I can't wait!