Eh...

At least school has started so I have that to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes being alone sucks. Now would be one of those phases. It's like, I keep swinging back and forth between being pretty happy being single and feeling pretty fucking lonely. No snuggle bunnies, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing.

bfr thinks that I should try online dating, but there are way to many weirdos not to mention that I can't afford site fees anyway. But...I did find a place that's free, and I have 1 friend already, whatever that means. It's not even so much that I want to date (although, yeah, I do), but I need to make some new friends. I need to expand my circles. I tried but that turned out to be, well, whatever, I did make a new friend out of it. But it was a friend I found out I didn't want to date.

Which leaves me in my current predicament. Although, still have the guy on the couch snoring his ass off so I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess it's just that sometimes I want to feel special, want to feel wanted. Maybe it's a good thing I'm going home in a few weeks to see my family. Maybe that will help, and I get to see bfr and some old friends from a long time ago.

And I should be reading a chapter of organic chemistry right now, but, as usual, guy on the couch is snoring and I can't concnetrate, so instead I got super baked and decided to bitch about it. And kc is being weird and distant. She says it's because I'm not acting like myself around her. Screw that. I've got so much shit just swimming around in my head waiting to be indulged, it's a constant effort to keep it quiet and not listen to it.

Then to top it all off I had about one of the worst experiences of my life last weekend and it is still haunting me. A little less each day, but still. I went camping with as, sm, jl, and sf, and it was a really great weekend. Had some good laughs, went for a great hike (although I got a blister on my foot and that sucked), roasted marshmellows, lots of good stuff. And then on the way home it all changed.

We were on a 2 lane mountain road heading home and the guy driving in front of us kept weaving back and forth over the yellow line. Luckily as backed off the driver because he went over the line and didn't come back. A large pick-up towing a trailer swerved but the guy smashed into the trailer, spun around, the trailer jack-knifed at us, and suddenly we were stopped on the side of the road. Completely ok. And then we heard a kid screaming. We ran out of the car, a guy was already pulling the kid out of her car seat, opened the other door and pulled the driver's wife out. She was hysterical.

Her husband was hanging out the door, he looked dead, everything was all mangled and banged up and bloody. Mountain rescue got there pretty damn quick considering we were in an area with limited cell service. They landed a flight for life helicopter on the road, extracted the guy with the jaws of life, performed CPR as soon as he was released. Never did get him in the helicopter, instead they airlifted the little girl, apparently she was pretty injured.

It's amazing how seeing something so horribly tragic as that right in front of you can make you reassess your own situation. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Who would they call if something were to happen to me? And I'm still haunted by the image of the guy hanging out the door. The first night afterward I had aweful dreams with lots of blood. The deafening silence in the few seconds immediately following before people jumped to action just felt like death. And an incredible thankfulness that we managed to somehow avoid getting hit by the trailer or anything else.

So at least school has started. I'm realizing that I will be spending a lot of time at the library because I won't be able to study here. At least not while he's snoring. At least that's really the only problem with him except that he would live in absolute squalor if I didn't clean the damn house. Ok, enough bitching. Happy to be alive, happy to be back in school, happy to have something to keep my mind off the loneliness.

Which Way Do I Go?

So, I don't normally sit at work and type away, but I'm bored as fuck today and I don't feel like mindlessly surfing around Facebook. The only bit of work I was going to have to do today got pushed back to next week. Dragon hasn't given me anything to do and she knows I'm bored, so that's her own problem if I'm not doing anything.

And holy shit it's been a while since I've written anything. Yup, mn is still living in my office. I don't really see that changing anytime soon, but at least he's still working and still paying me. It's really not that bad, it's just making it slightly more difficult to get into the dating world.

Didn't pass my stupid ACS exam, and by only 3 questions! It definitely sucks, but I'm meeting with my professor today to discuss my options and hopefully he will let me into the graduate class. I feel like it will be yet another setback in my graduate studies if I have to take organic chemistry again.

Had to go buy a new car the other day. I'm pretty fucking excited about it! Really didn't want to have to buy one, but my car was a piece of shit and getting worse every day. At this point it was pretty unsafe to drive but at least I got the dealership to take $8000 off the price through deals, rebates, and a bit of negotiating. Now I have a cute new little Focus that gets so much better gas mileage. Only thing that will suck is the back seat doesn't fold down so having sex in it is going to get a little complicated.

Although, since it's been about a year since I've had any sort of sex I guess I'll worry about how to fuck in my car later. Uggh, I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like I need to write off kc for a little while because the little things that she is doing are starting to take their toll on me and they shouldn't. First it's we can't snuggle anymore until I start dating. Then she took that back and said that I just needed to be myself around her. And I feel like she is pulling back from me and whatever little time we do spend together. It really shouldn't affect me the way it does, but it does and it hurts and she doesn't get it. Or she does and that's why she's doing it. Either way it's fucking up my head.

But how the fuck can I be myself around her when I can't bitch about a bad date (or lack of dates right now), probably shouldn't bitch that I'm fucking horny and just want to get laid, and a whole host of other things that she doesn't want to hear about. I mean, sorry, but if I'm in a bad mood don't just assume that it's all because of you and because we're not together.

She's made it abundantly fucking clear that I'm not on her list of people to date. And it's not like I want to date her right now anyway. It didn't fucking work. At all. No matter how many times we tried my heart always got broken. It's not like anyone really wants to hear about how someone couldn't fall in love with them, when they have fallen completely in love.

The crappy part is that I just have no idea how to get into the dating world. I don't really have any money to date and when school starts I won't have time. Not to mention that now I'm going to have to put up with as's whiny shit if I go on a date because I think that she is still holding out some sort of hope that I'll somehow want to have a relationship with her or something.

I'm just not really into her. Although yesterday when we were chatting I found out that she actually has a brain but just doesn't use it because none of her friends are capable of having an intelligent conversation. Which is too bad for her because one of the ways to win me over is by not being stupid. I don't want some egotistical person bragging about their intelligence either, but don't be a moron.

I want someone that I can hold an intelligent conversation with. Someone who is stimulating and exciting to talk to, that can talk about something other than "that time I got drunk". When all of your stories begin with that line it becomes a problem. I want someone who is caring and romantic and nice. kc says I get walked all over because I'm too nice, but I want someone who doesn't walk all over their partner because they're too nice. I want someone who appreciates my kindness and doesn't take advantage of me and make me feel like shit. I want someone to snuggle with on the couch and who will hold my hand and hug me and maybe even go out their way to do things for me since that is the kind of person I am.

Is she out there? That elusive woman who can make my heart flutter when I see her, who makes me melt when we kiss? I want to feel that desire and spark and so far I haven't found it. Well, I had it with kc, but clearly she wasn't feeling it. But how do I meet people? I'm not sure how I feel about online dating but maybe that's the way to go for me. At least then I'd be able to find someone outside of kc or as's circle of friends.

I just want some kind of glimmer of hope that I will eventually find someone, someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I just need a sign that they will come into my life, that they are out there and wanting to find me as much as I want to find her.

The Guy On The Couch

So, as a favor to kc I'm letting her friend, mn, crash at my house. He wore out his welcome at her house and at cs's house, and it was either this or sleep in his car. It's not that bad so far, except that he snores. Loud. The whole point of having the doors in the office is so that he can close them when he goes to sleep and that would cut down on some of the snoring noise.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing like my stepdad's snoring, but it is still annoying. It's Friday night and I'm at home and I was going to get baked and clean my house but I can't do that because he is sleeping.

At least he has a job now. Except that he is so in debt to other people it's going to take him forever to pay them off and pay me to stay here. Yes, he is paying me to stay here. He got his first paycheck today and gave me some money. Not much, but at least it's something. And hopefully next week it will be more.

It's making it pretty hard to masturbate on my couch that's for sure. And I have to keep my pants on when I get home from work. But he leaves early in the morning and is gone most of the day so I really only see him at night. And his snoring doesn't shatter the walls like my stepdad's.

No new news on the dating front. The hot chick that came to 7's a couple of times hasn't been there the past few weeks, sb is in South Africa (and I'm pretty sure I don't want to date her, but she would be a fun friend), and as is still the same, although thankfully finally understanding that it's not going to happen.

Had a weird conversation with kc last night. Even though I know that she has no interest sexually in th it's still weird to see them hug and stuff. It's friendly and I suppose that I have some friends that I am friendly with, but at least I'm not doing it in front of kc.

Oh well. Should be working on my paper from my trip to Thailand but I'm going to go to the movies with as and some other people tomorrow morning. I'll go to the library after that though and get my paper written and if I need to do any more research at least I'll already be at the library. Then I have to get cracking on reading the organic chemistry book because I'm quickly running out of time to study for the ACS exam.

Not terribly exciting but that's the boat I'm in.

Standards

What the fuck? Why is it that I have suddenly developed standards about who I sleep with? It's like a fucking curse! Why did kc have to set the bar so damn high that now I can't just screw anyone who is willing? Why is it that I can't get off with a 1-nighter? Oh yeah, because now for some reason instead of not getting off because they were bad in bed, I can't get off because I don't have any sort of emotional connection to them.

I mean, it could be considered a good thing that I'm not out sleeping with whoever is willing. And not to toot my own little horn but I've got at least 2 offers on the table and I don't want to fuck either one of them. as is nice and all, but way too much of a party animal. She is living like she is constantly on spring break and I just am not down for that. So we hang out and watch baseball and occasionally have drinks, but she gets all huffy puffy when I don't accept every invitation she sends my way because I know she thinks that if I'm drunk she's got a better chance of getting me into bed.

And then there is igb, who I have had a fun and flirty friendship with for the past couple of years. We have never both been single at the same time and now we are and if I put it out there she'd hop on that train.

But I don't want either one of them. They would only be 1-nighters and if they could handle it afterward then friends. But I wouldn't be able to get off and half the fun is reaching the finish line; what's the point if that won't happen?

However this is my life, so of course it just can't be kc and as (igb doesn't really count, she's never stood a chance), there is sb. I met sb at a party back in January but didn't think that she would ever be interested since I'm a smoker. And then one night as (yup, as of all people) gets me to go to ladies night, where I see sb and she gets my number from one of our friends. Since then we have had a little flirty texting and whatnot going on, but we haven't actually hung out. Apparently she's kind of flaky and noncommittal which is perfect since that's about what I can handle.

So maybe sb will eventually get around to hanging out but since she'll be in Africa for all of July it's not going to be anytime soon. Although, she did tell me to invite her to watch tv again sometime. She had invited me to a party but said her friends sometimes bail, and of course they did. So we had a little flirty text convo and I had told her I was just watching a movie on my couch and she could join me, but it was late and she was heading to bed. And then she told me to invite her again.

I probably will next weekend. Sad that I plan these things for when kc is out of town, but since she is going to Kansas with dr and won't be back until Sunday at least I won't have to worry about her coming into my house.

Although, after the other weekend I doubt she'll be doing that anytime soon. as had kidnapped me to her house to play pong and had promised to give me a ride home later but then got too drunk to drive me home and that sucked. So I sent kc a goodnight text as I was planning on passing out on the couch. But of course got talked into more pong and then kc calls me at 2:30 (yeah, that's am) and is all, why aren't you home? Apparently she had found the key she had to my house and never told me and had decided she wanted to snuggle so came over and was freaked that I wasn't there. So she came and picked me up thank goodness because I really wasn't looking forward to having to sleep there (although kinda forgot to tell as that I was leaving so she was pissed for a few days but whatever) and was giving me the 3rd degree about why I would send a goodnight text when I wasn't asleep or in my own bed.

So yeah, since kc will be out of town next weekend and sb will be in Africa all of July, it'll be a good time to invite her over. And since she is flaky and noncommittal she may come over but most likely won't stay over so hopefully I won't have to worry about the sex issue coming up. But who knows, maybe I'll like her in which case I still won't want to sleep with her because I want to really like her if that happens.

Damn. I think my whole frame of mind got started because kc was all sad and upset about being single. Umm...you're the one who couldn't fall in love with me and you're bitching about being single? To me? I mean, it's one thing for me (who actually did fall in love) to be sad about being single, but the one who wanted to be single is suddenly upset about it? I mean, yeah it sucks. And I'm too nice to be mad at her. I want her to be happy, I wish it could be with me, but I'm accepting that it can't be. But I know the minute I start dating someone I actually like she is going to be different. She has said that she will be sad but she won't change how she treats me. I guess we'll see how that goes when it happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm almost waiting for her to just get on with it and get it on with someone else so that I can finally let go and move on completely.

I don't want to feel like I'm holding back with someone I could like because I'm afraid how kc will take it. But it's almost like I need that person to be worth it, because of the potential for kc to withdraw from me (despite promises not to). Again with the standards.

How?

How do you change the love you have for someone into another kind of love? How does it transform into the friendship kind of love that is the only kind possible right now? How do you stop being in love and just love?

I can't make my brain stop. I can't make my heart stop. It's impossible. Even after all these months. Even after all the tears and the heartache and the pain I still love her. She is one of my best friends. She knows more about me than anyone on Earth. She is the first person I want to share good news with and bad news with. She is the person I want to give me a hug and comfort me when I've had a bad day, and it's her smile I want to see when I've had a good day.

And yet sometimes I feel lonely, even when I'm with her. I want her to hold my hand and wrap her arms around me because she loves me, not because she is my friend but because she feels something inside her that makes her want to do it. I want the smile I used to see when I walked in the door. I want to fall asleep in her arms, not just her falling asleep with mine around her.

I want more than just a friend and companion. And maybe it is only that time will tell. Maybe sometime in the future it will work itself out. Maybe someone else will come into my life who fulfills those desires. Until then I will have to settle with being with myself.

I think the good thing is that every day I feel a little stronger and a little happier. I feel a little better being inside my skin and a little better being inside my head. It's definitely been quieter in my head. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are still days when it goes a little crazy, but I haven't had a day where I spontaneously burst into tears in a while so I think that's a good thing.

Although, today was close. But that's okay. It's that time of the month and the hormones are flowing. Maybe it's because kc actually came to my house the other night. She hasn't snuggled with me at my house in months and I was actually a little surprised that she wanted to come over since it had been so long.

But she did and it was nice. I fell asleep on her while she read in bed which hasn't happened in a while. It was snowing when I woke up so I called my boss and told her I would be late since traffic was a mess and we went and had breakfast. It was actually a pretty good day.

The crappy part was when I came home along later in the evening. I stayed in the library and studied while kc was at her evening class and then gave her a ride home from school and we had dinner and watched South Park, and then I had to go home. Home all alone.

I've become pretty used to being home alone. And yes, I do still love living alone. But after such a good day with kc, snuggling would have been nice. Shit a kiss goodbye would have been nice but since I haven't received a kiss in a really long time I'm not going to get my hopes up anytime soon for that to happen.

Which leads me back to my original question. How do I change the love I have for her?

I Hate You

My therapist thought it would be a good idea to make a list of all the things I hate about my former stepdad...so here goes:

I hate you
I hate you for taking away years of my life
I hate you for ruining my childhood
I hate that I can't remember the good times because you made the other times so bad my brain did its best to erase them
I hate you for all the things you threatened us with and all the things you did
I hate that I have glimpses of memories of things you did to me that I will never know for certain
I hate that you told me - A CHILD - that I was worthless and would amount to nothing
I hate that my sister is an alcoholic with no self-esteem because of you
I hate that she bases her self-worth on how men treat her and that she accepts being with a substandard man because she never saw how a relationship was supposed to be
I hate that I can't open up and trust people because I'm scared
I hate that you have made me feel like I am unworthy of love because I am damaged
I hate that you have had these effects on my life and that it still affects me
I hate having panic attacks near guns
I hate you causing me so much stress that my stomach has been irreparably damaged
I hate that you didn't treat my mom the way she deserves to be treated and loved
I hate that if you thought our hands weren't clean enough you would make us eat dinner on the floor with the dog
I hate that you alwasy fed me more than my sister, wouldn't let me leave the table until I was done, all the while calling me fat
I hate that I had to hide under my bed from you
I hate that you teased me mercilessly about anything
I hate that you would tickle me until I started crying because it hurt so bad
I hate the way you used to hit our wrists with your hand as hard as you could
I hate that you did nothing and laughed when your nephew exposed himself to me and tried to make me touch him
I hate that you wouldn't let me listen to any music other than country
I hate that you made us eat meat and potatoes every night and wouldn't let mom make anything else
I hate that you put me down so much I can't stand up for myself
I hate that you tried to kill my mom
I hate that you only spent 1 night in jail for it
I hate that to teach me baseball you threw the ball at my head as hard as you could
I hate that people tell me to just get over it
I hate having to explain to people why I'm a vegetarian, why I hate country music, and why I hate guns
I hate that after you did all that to us you had the audacity to request custody
I hate that I told my gram to stop waving her hands when she had a knife in it because I saw enough of that at home
I hate that my mom had to take on your debt to stay in the house
I hate that every time I look at the wall in the living room I know the patch for the hole where the arrow hit is hidden behind my sister's school picture
I hate that my gram felt like she had to rescue us on the weekends but I love that she did

There are so many things that I don't remember him doing to me that I don't want to remember. But how am I supposed to move past it if I can't remember it and process it? I don't want to remember, I don't want to know for sure, but I hate having suspicions.

I think that I just need to move past without remembering since nothing is going to bring back the memories. It was hard enough to just think of the list and it was emotionally draining.

In other news school is kicking my ass. I'm working hard to get work done but so many distractions keep coming up. And lately I've been feeling weird with kc. I mean, I don't expect our relationship to be like what it was. I'm just mad at myself for having these reactions.

It's like, I know she's busy, I know she has school, I don't know if she's seeing anyone. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's what I need for closure and to move on in our friendship. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. It's not like I couldn't move on and have a friends with benefits thing going on with ds.

But I'm not really feeling things with her. We went on a date a few weeks back, and it was nice and all, but I wasn't feeling it. Then she wanted to have sex later and at least I stopped that from happening. Except lately I've actually been feeling a little fired up, and maybe that's why I don't want to hang out with her, is because I know I don't want to sleep with her on an emotional level, but I'd probably sleep with her on a physical level.

That would be going against what I'm trying to accomplish right now though. I want to get to know someone and actually like them and have feelings for them before I sleep with them. The only problem is that the only person who is sparking any sort of sexual interest in me is kc, and that's not good since I know she is definitely not feeling that way about me. If she is she's keeping it hidden pretty well. I doubt that though, probably just my overactive imagination.

I hate being this way. I hate being in this sad state. I hate second guessing myself. I hate questioning everything that is going on in my head when I know that it is only delusional things that aren't real and that I'm just making mountains out of mole hills.

Such is my life. I'm still seeing my therapist every week and it's going well. I think if I keep going running maybe this weird sweating thing will stop. I think it's just because I haven't been working out or playing rugby which really sucks. I miss playing but school has got to be the priority and it is. I resisted going to the St. Patty's Day parade downtown today so I could get some homework done. I resisted beer pong last night so I could wake up and go running and do homework.

I need to be running more during the week and at least it's staying lighter out later. It means I should probably not stay at kc's house after I drop her off after school and actually go home and do stuff. I do homework and study at her house but I don't go running like I want because I want to spend time with her. But I really want this weird sweating thing to stop. I just randomly start sweating uncontrollably even if i'm not hot. My palms get sweaty, my armpits get stinky, sometimes my whole body gets sweaty, it's pretty fucking gross actually. Or maybe I should see a doctor about it since this is definitely not normal, at least for me.

Climbing Slowly

So I think that this professional help thing may work. Yeah, it's definitely not going to be easy, and it's going to take a while. But big holes are hard to climb out of. Last time I think I climbed out of the hole a little too quickly and I think it's kinda like when deep sea divers come up out of the ocean too quickly and something happens in their brains.

This time I'm coming up slowly. VERY FUCKING SLOWLY! Enough of this shit already. I want to be able to not get paralyzed with fear when a relationship that by all intents and purposes could've been fucknig wonderful comes along. Why can't I stop myself from overthinking and overanalyzing every damn thing that happens?

Well, we're starting to get past the preliminaries in therapy and getting to the shit that keeps fucking me up. She wants me to practice saying a self affirming mantra everyday and meditating 3 times a day for 10 seconds at a time. Like I said, we're starting off slowly.

At this point I will try anything. I'm trying to level the playing field in my head to get the underdog to come out on top, to stop always thinking the worst case scenario and then in an effort to learn how to express my feelings I think it's a good fucking idea to express the feelings in my head which are totally and completely unfounded and just make me seem neurotic and insane.

And on Monday I hit the big 3-0. That's right, 30. I thought I was okay with it. I think I'm okay with it. It's just weird. I mean, I knew this day was coming, but it always seemed so far away. And here I am staring it in the face, wondering how the fuck I got into this hole I'm in, and thankful it didn't take me 'til I was 40 to figure out I was even in a hole.

School started this past Monday. Failed my p chem test so I gotta take p chem 2 and get a B or better. At least I was only taking one class so now I'm taking 2, instrumental analysis and p chem 2. This will at least keep my mind occupied.

Stupid people snuggling in this movie. I want some snuggling. I want some comfort. Damn and a sex scene. I want some of that too. Except I think I figured out my problem. I have one-nighters with girls that I'm not attracted to in an effort to keep myself attached to kc just in case. I gotta let go of the just in case. Which means no more one-nighters. At least with girls I'm not attracted to. I was at least attracted to rc, but not so much sm or jj.

But I think that I need to be friends first. That seems to work out better for me. I get a chance to relax and be myself and not who I think I should be and it seems to set up a better foundation for an actual relationship. So I'm just gonna meet people and make friends. And go through a lot of batteries. I'm going to be out of the hole before I start walking along that path again.