Bored...hmmm

This has kinda been a lonely little time for me. I've actually started looking for a therapist. I mean, yeah, I think I got some shit to work out before I can move on. I think that I am officially putting women on the back burner for now. I just can't deal with the shit anymore, it's fucking me up. So much so that I am seeking professional help. Fuck.

I know I've got some issues, who doesn't, but when you can't move on and you don't want to look even though she's sending you the most ridiculously clear signals that it's time to move on because for all you know she's already started looking, then it's time to seek help. Really, why can't she just get over herself? Perfect doesn't fucking exist, or maybe I'm just trying too hard, or I just don't have the right standards. I don't fucking know.

The only thing I know is that I can't seem to move on, I'm holding on to some ridiculously stupid hope that she will get a piano dropped on her head and wake up and suddenly realize that she is indeed making a huge mistake not trying to figure out how to make it work. And not really caring.

Oh, she'd say she cares, that's why we can't be together, because it just wasn't ever going to work. But I don't think she realizes just how mean she has been to me lately. Apparently, "I just want an alone night" means I'm gonna get drunk with my roommates and some friends and puke. Whatever, maybe I just have too many alone nights. Apparently, midnight is a good time to say...I just need to be alone tonight, but I wish we could have taken a bath together, since I didn't get an alone night last night because I got drunk with people.

She told me that it would hurt when I started dating again. She said just don't tell her, don't let her find out. But she still wants to snuggle. Sometimes. When it's good for her.

I know her life is fucking crazy right now. Her kitchen is being remodeled so her house is trashed basically everyday, and every night she cleans it again, only for it to be trashed the next day. Her cats don't like all this craziness so one of them is constantly going to the bathroom not in the litter box. But that's still no excuse to be mean to me. Maybe she doesn't even realize it. At least I'm getting better at telling her what's on her mind.

The other day I came close to burning down my work, yes, I hate it that much. So I stopped by her house after I talked to my professor to just bitch and get it out of my system, and she starts telling me what I should do and giving me her opinion. I was like, please, stop, I don't want to hear what I should do, I know what I should do, I just want to bitch and be done with it. She was definitely surprised.

I don't know why I put up with it. I mean, I do, everyone does, doesn't mean it's a good place to be. Maybe it is okay that she doesn't want to be around me all that much anymore. She never really came to my house anyway. I always have to go to her house. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes it would be nice if she just wanted to come here. Sometimes she misses me. I doubt really all that much, but who knows, she doesn't ever really express her feelings so I have no idea.

Someday my princess will come. Someday someone will bring me flowers. Someday someone will love me best, someone will choose to be with me. Today isn't that day. Tomorrow probably won't be either. I really hope my someday is out there, that would suck if it wasn't.