I don't get it

Well, it's certainly been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I rang in the New Year in a way I never saw coming. I jumped in the reservoir for the polar plunge. I have successfully found a therapist I like. She has decided that weekly meetings are going to be best for now, until things start going better for me. We're sorting through childhood issues, why I have a problem expressing my anger, what is holding me back from having a successful relationship. So that's good.

But I still don't know what to do with kc. She was away on vacation for the last 2 weeks and I only talked to her a couple times. And the first 2 times were good, however the last one was really awkward and ended up with her accusing me of sleeping with one of my friends.

It's like, she doesn't want to know what I do, if I see other people, if I sleep with other people, and yet it feels like she takes pride in "catching me" in a lie. She's the one that wants me to lie to her, so what the fuck? It's not like it was even a lie. I was going to hang out with rc and sr (who by the way are now a couple and moving in together) and since kc hates rc since I slept with her, what, like a fucking year ago, I have to not tell kc when I hang out with her. It's not like I want rc, if I did, I wouldn't have gone back to kc after all that shit last year.

It's just that, when we were talking on the phone the other night, she said it. She said I love you. Where the hell did that come from? Then she gets mad at me for not saying it back and says I just gave myself away and that she caught me. Excuse me? Sorry for not saying it back, but really, I thought that the first time she said it to me, she would be looking at me, seeing me, and telling me something coming from her heart and I would feel special and it would be wonderful.

Let's backtrack a second. A couple weeks ago we went to a party and when we got back to kc's house she laid into me about not being able to open up and how she had wanted so badly to fall in love with me and that she loves me but she's not in love with me. And it got ugly and there was screaming and it didn't end well. But we moved past it, however it still stings so much to hear I love you but I'm not in love with you. And then she goes and says I love you on the phone to me. How the fuck am I supposed to react to that? What did she expect? It certainly didn't make me feel special and I think the first time you say it to someone it shouldn't be on the phone unless there are just some ridiculously extenuating circumstances. And I don't think being on vacation qualifies since she was only gone for 2 weeks and we've been doing this thing for almost 2 years now.

Holy shit, 2 years. Last night before I had to pick kc up at the airport I was talking to her roommate and she asked why I was still here. She thinks that I put up with a lot of shit from kc, and no one (apparently this is a source of discussion for a lot of people) understands why I put up with it.

I have just started feeling lately like things are completely one-sided in our "relationship". For example, Christmas morning I woke up early at my house and just sent her a good morning text. She sends me a text at 7am and asks if I'm still awake because she has a tummy ache and would really love some 7up. I was still awake so I got up, made some coffee, and made my way over to her house with some 7up and some soup. I'm a nice friend like that and being sick sucks. Then, 2 days later I wake up feeling not so hot and she's all, you should drink some 7up. But would she bring me some so I could lay in bed and try and feel better, no.

I can't really remember the last time she came over to my house. I always go over to her house. Usually I don't care, it's more fun, there's more people, and I need to socialize more. It's just sometimes it would be nice if she actually came to see me, made the effort, made me feel like she wants me in her life. And lately, it's just making me sad.

It's like she wants her cake and the icing and to have it served on a silver platter. She wants all of the good parts of a relationship with me, the snuggling, the attention, the talking, but she also wants to go out and date and look for other people. But I can't do the same. She freaks out. Fuck, she'd probably lose her shit if she knew everything that I did on New Year's and First Friday.

I don't know why I care so much. Well, I do. It's because I do love her. She may never have been in love with me, but I'm still in love with her. Maybe we do have to take a step back and not be together or see each other for a little while. Maybe that's the only way. Except, in my head, I want her to miss me, to think, to realize what she could lose. I don't think that would happen.

Maybe I'm still taking it from her because I have some delusional hope that she will get her shit together and figure it out and acutally be in love with me. It's hard, we have/had such a great connection. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Maybe I am a sadist for taking it. Maybe I enjoy the pain. Well, no, I don't enjoy the pain, but the happiness of the good times just feels so good and so right that it's hard to not put up with the pain in the hopes that the happy times will return.

Although, my therapist made a good point this morning. I was talking about how bfr and I would take care of each other in college. We had the buddy system. One night it would be my turn to be the drunk girl, another night it would be her turn. We would look out for each other, make sure the other made it home safe in her intoxicated state. And that's how a relationship is supposed to go. It should be an equal amount of give and take. And it's not that way with kc right now. It's me giving and her taking.

Right now she is being all wishy washy and unsure and not the confident self-assured person that I fell in love with. Except right now I'm also that way. And a relationship doesn't work when both people are sick, it only works when one person is there for the other when they need it and vice versa. It's an even amount of give and take, not one person giving and the other person taking.

I think I just need to ask her what set her off after the party and where the I love you came from. Then maybe we can figure out where to go from there.