I swear, it's like I feel like I have to suppress shit that I don't want to, and all because kc is busy. I know she's fucking busy, she always is. I know I'm unemployed and have way more free time than I normally do. At least my ribs are better. I can't go running yet (found that out when I tried to run across the street in an effort to avoid being run over by a car) but at least I can ride the bike at the gym. And I did go for a 2 hour nature walk down the trail today.
At least her finals are over on Wednesday. And then maybe I won't get pushed to the backburner. Maybe I won't be a fucking after thought. It's like, do I need to remind her of the conversation we had when everything went down last month? Do I have to tell her that if she can't express her feelings towards me physically then she has to do it verbally? I mean, I don't need verbal, although it would be nice, but if I can't have physical can I have something?
Maybe I'm just feeling super horny right now. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just the month of May that, looking back through last year's entries, seems just to be a bad month for us. I mean, I realize that I can't be dependent upon kc to fill my time, but is it so bad that I want a little time? Fuck, this just seems like it is my usual complaint. It's always time.
It's just that I feel like it's always that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine or something. A couple weeks ago I was sleeping at her house and she came to bed around 2am and we started making out but nope, can't have sex because she has to get up and work on a school project. Except that I can remember countless evenings where I'd go to bed around 11pm since I had to get up for work at 4:45am, and she'd wake me up for sex around 1am. And I'd do it, because, well, I love sex, and I understand what happens to a relationship when you're not getting any. But her reasoning was that she had to focus on school, that it took more brainpower than just sitting at work for 10 hours.
Although, I don't know, I don't like to make excuses. I did rip on her about it and I've talked to her about it, I'm just bitching about it now. Probably because I'm super horny. I mean, I've cut her some slack, I know how much school sucks. But her time management skills aren't exactly stellar. But, whatever. I mean, I knew Wednesday was her last day of class and I still made plans to have lunch with rc. Gotta pay up on the bet I lost and she's got a case of Magic Hat sitting at her house waiting for me.
Maybe I can get kc to actually want to take me on a date Thursday night. I got a call from the comedy place today that they had drawn my name and I won some free tickets to the show on Thursday night, so maybe I can get her to commit to something instead of just waiting for the day of. She did make plans to hang with my aunts on Sunday when they come to visit this weekend so that's progress. And she did follow through with the plans to meet my parents so that's good.
Guess it is just lack of sex that is getting to me right now. And possibly PMS. Okay, yeah, there's definitely some PMS in there. Or maybe I should stop watching Sex and the City. Fuck. I don't know. At least I did something today, I went for a 2 hour long nature walk and took pictures. Then it started raining and thundering and getting all blustery when I got home so at least I got out before the weather got bad. And tomorrow I have to drive to the doctor again before practice. For the last 3 weeks I've been going to see this doctor who is treating my rib injury. And the only reason I have been is because he is treating me for free since I have no insurance.
Damn, I need a fucking job. This is ridiculous, 3 months now I've been unemployed. I'm either comletely over- or under-qualified for every job I apply for. Or they pick someone else. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's like I can't win. On a brighter note, I am going to sign up for this French class that starts next month. I want to learn how to speak French. I would just love to be fluent in another language. I mean, I took 4 years of Spanish in high school, and I remember enough of it to get by, but there is just something about French that makes me want to learn it.
And I did get my tattoo touched up the other day. Hung out with the rugby girls on Saturday and it turned into a big party at my house in the afternoon then we closed down the bar later. We played some croquet on the lawn, which sr and the rest of the girls have now taken to calling the grassy knoll. So at least I'm getting out there. And being able to go to the gym again has been good. There's just something about being able to work up a good sweat that makes me feel immensely better. I wish I could tackle and play in our tournament this weekend especially because my aunts are coming to visit and watch, but it's okay. I should be good enough to play again by summer 7's although I have made a goal of trying to put on 5lbs of muscle weight before next fall.
So at least I'm not spending everyday holed up in my house. It just sucks because I could be backpacking but my ribs hurt too much. I could go hiking more but I can't really afford the gas to fill up my car all that much. But, I think I'm going to make it my goal to get out onto the trail at least 2 or 3 times a week. There's a lot of it to explore. And I can bike, walk, or rollerblade the whole thing. Plus once I can handle bumps I can start riding my bike around town, although I could also just walk since that is better exercise than sitting on my ass on my couch.
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