Just when it was going so well...

The shit hits the fan. As usual, or at least as what usually happens with kc and me. As we all know, I'm kind of a super horny girl. That's not my fault! But apparently, I'm just not dominating enough for kc. She says that she has or is having or what the fuck ever a mental block about having sex with me.

Again with the I'm such a good girlfriend and we have a great emotional connection and that part of our relationship is just so fucking perfect, that of course something has to be wrong because she doesn't want to have sex with me. The kicker is that on Friday night when we were having dinner she said that I should be secure with our relationship and not worry. Not fucking worry?!?! How the hell am I supposed to not worry when the very next day she tells me that she can't be in a sexless relationship and that every time we have sex she gets some delusional idea that I have expectations.

Expectations of what? The only expectations that I have are that she is honest with me and treats me well. Hardly unrealistic expectations. It's not like I want to move in or get married, and I'm pretty sure that I have stated that on more than one occasion. Unless she thinks that I have some kind of hidden agenda which I don't. If I had wanted any of that stuff from our relationship it would have been over long ago.

So now I get to hang out in fucking limbo again waiting for her to decide if she wants to break my heart again. It's like what the hell? Last weekend we had a good weekend, a little rocky when she didn't want to have sex and made me cry. But then we started talking about stuff, played a little truth or dare, which was more like truth. She told me she loves me and adores me, and yes she used the love word. I told her that I didn't expect her to say that a lot and that I always just thought that it was kind of an unspoken thing with us, that we each knew it but it didn't have to be said for it to be known. And she agreed.

And now this fucking shit about I can't be in a sexless relationship and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. I know it's not fucking fair to me. I have been nothing but fun and a great person to be with (once I got over all the ex shit). I give her little surprises and treats, mail her fun things, things that I wish she would do for me but never gets the hint. Apparently I have a submissive side that comes out after we have sex and it's causing her to have some mental block against having sex with me.

Is me being slightly submissive really a deal-breaker for her? I've told her that if she wants to get my dominant side she has to build and create an environment that will allow me to be able to do that. I need to trust that if I do something like that that she is going to go along and actually want to have sex and be into it. How the fuck am I supposed to get into my dominant mood when I can't even get her in the mood? I mean, I'm always in the mood. Well, almost always, right now it's a little skewed because I haven't been getting any on a regular basis.

Although apparently she won't mind if I sleep with someone else as long as she doesn't know about it. Apparently I didn't hide it well enough when I slept with rc. And then she freaked the fuck out and then a week later she wanted to be with me but without expectations. And then it was too much again. And then she wanted to be able to sleep with me without expectations. Apparently because I would feel guilty if I slept with someone else that means I have expectations.

I just really don't fucking get her. It's almost as if she is sabotaging the relationship because of who the fuck knows what. She did tell me when I first met her that she usually has a 1-2 year time limit on relationships. I mean is she getting the 2 year itch early? Did some past relationship fuck her up so much that she thinks that all girls have expectations? I know that the reason she doesn't want anyone to move in is because of some girl she moved in with a long time ago. Since then she has broken up with girls if they ask to move in.

First off, I don't want to live in her house. I like my house. Her house is where I go when I want to put a little crazy in my life. There are always people coming and going and it's just a sporadic environment. I like hanging out there but in no way would I want to live there. I like the quiet stability of my house. I like the peacefulness and serenity of my house.

Next, I'm not looking to get married. Does she think I have some hidden agenda to trap her? She has mentioned that if she's in a relationship with me she loses her freedom. Where the hell did she get that? I am not some psycho controlling girlfriend who wants to keep track of her every move. I don't keep her from hanging out with her friends. I encourage it because I don't want some controlling girlfriend questioning where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't fucking know. I just wish that she would figure out what the fuck is going on in her head that is keeping me from getting laid and just relaxing and having fun. Because after she puts me through this and we keep hanging out and then things are good she is going to want to sleep together again after she realizes that I am a great girlfriend and I don't have any expectations.

Social Dissent - How The Little Mermaid Is Corrupting Children

So since I don't really have any bitching to do about my life, and I enjoy getting fired up every now and again, I'm going to start posting some smartass sarcastic observations that I've made.

A few weeks ago I went to visit some friends and in the morning we had a little wake and bake and watched The Little Mermaid. Yes, the Disney classic, if classic is the right word. And I noticed something incredibly disturbing about that movie.

In what world would it be okay to let a child (ok, I guess child is the wrong word, in the book she's supposed to be 16), or teenager for that matter, think that it is perfectly acceptable to completely give up your identity to go after some guy that you've met once and have never spoken to?

Seriously. This girl is 16-years-old, she is allowed to roam free (ok yeah I know, it was under the sea, but come on) with no rules or curfew, only the knowledge that she can't talk to humans and she has to obey her father. But she doesn't.

So what does she do when she meets a guy and falls instantly in love with him? She does some drugs, given to her by some seedy woman who of course makes her trade something valuable for it. She gives up her voice, one of her biggest assets, and then she is willing to give up the life she has for a guy she hasn't even talked to.

And where does this get her? Rock bottom...literally. Well, not her, her father when the seedy woman comes to collect and turns her father into a wallowing soul on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Then the movie has the audacity to have a happy ending just further proving that if you disobey your parents and are willing to give up your identity you will live happily ever after. Who the fuck are they kidding? If you take away the cartoon Disney fascade you'd have the makings of an after school special warning kids to not take drugs and act impulsively. Of course in the after school special the girl would probably get pregnant and the guy would leave her as soon as he found out. But in the Disney version everything ends up all hunky dorey, her father is happy, the seedy woman is killed, and the girl gets what she wants.

Should we really condone this sort of behavior to children? Of course, children don't see it this way. Children watching this movie just hear the songs, some might be scared of the seedy woman, and think that in the end, everything will be alright. They will grow up, meet someone, fall instantly in love, maybe have a few troubles, but if they are persistent or run away their parents will simply go along with what they want.

Crazy Busy

So, in my quest to do everything I wanted to do this summer, I may have bit off more than I can chew. My French class is going great. Tomorrow is the last day of summer 7's. Saturday is the NA4 rugby championships so the girls will be partying at my house all day and then we're going to watch the games at night.

But...I've been spending the last 2 weeks studying, feeling like I'm getting nowhere with it, and that I'm going to basically have to repeat all of the major chemistry classes I took in college so that I can start the master's program. I know I want to go back to school, I just didn't realize that all of this prep work was going to have to be condensed into such a short amount of time.

Luckily my mom doesn't throw anything away so she is mailing me all my college notes that she could find. But I'm still freaking out. I have to take 1 test every day next week. I have to leave work early at 2:30pm so I can take the test from 3:30-5:30pm. And then go home and keep studying for the test that is the next day.

Plus kc went to CA to visit her family so she asked me to look after her house since her roommate isn't that reliable. But she is flying me out to San Francisco to visit her next Thursday for the weekend. So next Thursday is going to be ridiculously crazy. I'll have to go to work early, leave to take the test, meet with the professor afterward to discuss what classes I can take since I don't find out my exam scores until after I take all of them. Then run to kc's house and water the garden and check on the kitties and then head to the airport. Hopefully I'll have time to squeeze in a shower because I hate flying dirty even though I always feel gross after I get off an airplane.

It'll be a fun weekend though. We're getting a hotel room on Thursday night since I don't get in until around midnight or so. And I've never been to SF before so that will be fun. My French teacher said I had to write a story about what I did since I'll be missing class but that will be fun. And I borrowed the 3 Musketeers in French from the library so I could get a little more exposure. That'll be my book for the airplane.

So yeah, crazy busy shit going on. Time to crack open my organic chemistry book again and see how much I can get done tonight before I pass out. I should probably cook some dinner sometime too since I'm starving. Although my stomach has been all fucked up for the last couple of days and I'm breaking out like mad because of the stress. I shouldn't stress but I just can't help it. At least I'm not having any stress with kc because I don't think I could handle having any more stress. Hopefully none of the rugby girls get into any drama this weekend.

Suppose I should get my ass in gear for another long night of reading chemistry...oh so fun. Looks like a bowl of cereal it is going to be for dinner. Or maybe I'll grill up a turkey burger, those are pretty quick to make too. Fuck, I just don't know which direction to go in. Ok, food first then studying.

Surprises

Why do I still get surprised when things are good with me and kc for more than a month? It's like, I don't expect them to stay that way because something always gets messed up. But I'm doing my best to keep that feeling in check.

I shouldn't be surprised. I should be happy that things have finally gotten to the point that we're communicating really well and we're excited to see each other and she still wants sex, although I think that her recreational use affects that slightly.

She knows it does, but, I mean, as long as I'm still getting it I really don't care how much she smokes. It's not like I'm in charge of her life. She does what she wants, so do I.

Last night I decided to go visit some girls on the rugby team that I hadn't seen in a while. kc and I are supposed to be going camping tonight and climbing a 14er tomorrow. It was very sweet that she wanted to climb this one with just me. We'll climb the other ones with our friends later but she actually said she wanted to do it with just me.

Usually she's always down for inviting other people so it was definitely a good change of pace that she wanted to spend the time with just me. Especially considering that one of my biggest complaints from before was that I never got enough alone time with her.

And, for the last week or so, when she sends me an e-mail she's been signing it love, k. And I will NOT overthink and overanalyze this. It's special and that's all and that's all I'm going to think about it. I'm not going to push for some sort of verbal confirmation that what she is writing is what she is actually feeling.

Last Friday when I went out for happy hour with some friends she came to pick me up because I told her I probably shouldn't drive. I felt bad because she had to leave a party to come and get me, although we did end up going back to the party after, and she said it was ok, it's something that girlfriends do for each other.

So the love and girlfriend thing is a good. I'm enjoying my time and my days and it's working out well for us right now. I think that all the shit that we've been through we had to go through because it got us to where we are now. So I'm just going to remain calm and happy and go with it because that's the best thing to do.

Long Time

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had an evening where I can just sit here and give an update about me. Life has been crazy busy lately. Summer 7's is in full swing and my French class has been going on for a couple weeks now.

It's been nice being busy. I like it. Keeps me from overthinking things. Which, I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Just been relaxed and doing what I want to do. So far my idea of having a selfish summer has worked out well. A few weeks ago I went out on my friend j's boat, went wakeboarding for the first time. That was so much fun! But holy shit does it work your muscles. My back was sore for a couple days, but hopefully I'll have another couple free weekends to go out again and try it.

For the 4th of July kc was out of town (not that that mattered) but I wanted to climb a couple 14ers. Drove up to the mountain after class and slept in my car in the parking lot. It's actually pretty comfy with the back seats folded down flat. It was a really gorgeous day, not nearly as bad weather as the last time I climbed that mountain. I had to do both of them because the last time I went up there with the ex her and her sister wimped out of doing the 2nd one and then talked me out of doing it by myself. kc was a little worried about me doing them by myself but I wasn't, they're pretty heavily trafficed mountains so if something did happen there was plenty of other people around. It was great to just get out there and do it myself and know that I could do it myself.

Then this past weekend there was an event at the Botanic Gardens through my French class. It was catered by 6 different French restaurants in town with tons of food and wine. I took kc to it as a surprise and she really liked it. The gardens were closed off to the public so we had the whole place to ourselves. We got to wander around with food and wine and look at the pretty flowers and all the displays, it was really peaceful and fun. I even tried escargo! I was a little worried about how it would taste since I don't like clams because of their squishy bellies. But it was inside a pastry and had this delicious sauce and I liked it!

I think this weekend kc and I are going to climb another 14er. Some of my friends want to join us when we do one but kc wants to do this one with just me. Should be fun, get to do another hike, think we're going to just sleep in the back of my car like I did before. And then in a couple weeks I think I'll go with my friends to do the other ones that I want. It's cool because the ones I did on the 4th you can do 2 in one day and the ones I'll do with my friends you can do 3 in one day.

Then in a couple weeks I'm going to San Francisco to meet kc for the weekend. She is going to go out there for a week and see her family and then she's flying me out there to visit her for the last weekend. Some friends of hers moved to a town right near San Francisco so we're going to visit and stay with them.

I got my application done for the masters program so hopefully I'll be able to start that in the fall. I ordered my transcripts from college today and I just have to mail out my recommendations and a check for the processing fee tomorrow and I should be all good.

I think this sense of independence and doing what I want to do is actually helping my relationship with kc. Things have been good with us for the last month. She is excited about seeing me and we have stuff to talk about, not just stuff she's doing but stuff I'm doing. And she wants me to practice my french that I'm learning with her.

I'm really liking this class. It's definitely hard, there is just so much to learn, but it's a total perk that my teacher is hot. I've never had a hot teacher before. And now I get to add studying for the tests I'll have to take for grad school to what I get to do at night when I'm at home. So, have no fear, I'll keep updating this thing but probably not as frequently as I normally would.

As for work...whatever. It's a job. Totally unsatisfying and fairly boring. It would be cool if I could go to China sometime but it's okay, I'll make it there someday. They keep wanting me to get involved in all of these things that I have absolutely no idea about. I don't think my boss realizes that I'm not a fucking accountant...I'm a scientist. If he wants me to make sure they are environmentally compliant with everything and talk to them about all this stuff great, I can do that. But he wants me to keep track of this shipping stuff and talk to people about orders they are placing. It's not really all that hard, it's just shit I've never done before.

So that's the lowdown on what's been going on with me. Life is good and busy. My selfish summer is paying off. I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sucks that I can't do everything, if only people would schedule things on weekends and evenings that I have free. But, I'm having fun and that's really all I care about.

Carousels

They go up and down and round and round...kind of like my relationship with kc. Maybe she did just have PMS last weekend when she said she didn't want to have sex with me again because she sure does now. Or maybe that's all she wants. No, that's not it. I know that she wants something with me, but it can't involve expectations.

We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.

So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.

I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.

I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.

This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.

Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.

We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.

I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.

So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.

Raining and Pouring

Fuck when it rains it pours! I mean, here I am unemployed for 3 months, I finally get a job and now I'm getting letters and phone calls about other jobs. Seriously? This company is great and all but it's not my dream job. I do quality for a company that imports baby clothes. I'm the person who makes sure that there isn't anything that the kid can pull off and choke on...yes, you heard me.

The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.

And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.

I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.

On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.

Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.

I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.

And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.

Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.

I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.