Bothered...

But I shouldn't be. I'm not a fucking hypocrit. It would be hypocritical of me to say that I don't want her to hang out with t considering that I see rc a few times a week for rugby practice. And I know that I shouldn't be worried, and kc has told me that I shouldn't be worried.

But I am. Maybe worried isn't the right word. Just aprehensive. I shouldn't be. And it's not like I don't have plans for dinner with rc when she gets back from her vacation. I did lose the bet on the Red Sox/Yankees game so I have to cook her dinner. And rc is bringing me back some special beers for when we have dinner. So why is it bothering me that kc is hanging out with t?

I wonder if kc has the same feelings whenever I go to rugby practice. I wonder if she thinks the same thing every time I make plans to carpool with rc. I'm not sure if I hope she does or not. It's not like I don't trust her and it's not like she can't trust me, it's just that I don't think I could handle the immense amount of pain I would feel if anything were to happen.

She said I don't have anything to worry about. I don't. Guess I was just looking forward to a little snuggle time and maybe some good lovin'. I love sleeping with her and feeling her next to me. Maybe she'll sneak over tonight when she gets done. And some other kid from her class was going over to her house too to work on whatever project it is that she's working on.

Who knows. I don't know why this is fucking with my head so much. I know she wants to be with me, that's what she realized after she fucked this girl. And even weirder was that at the rugby tournament this weekend she ended up playing a game with my team because we were short players. Funny part was she didn't realize who I was until I congratulated her for a good play. She was like, thanks, I'm t. I was like, hi, I'm h. Then she had this knowing look on her face.

It was definitely a little weird but kind of funny. And it's not like I would be outrightly hostile toward her, my sportsmanship is more than that. And for those of us who actually play the sport, or I guess any sport, there's this kind of understanding. I was definitely uncomfortable at first just seeing her there, but then she got recruited to play a game with us and I was fine. Guess it's just the whole her hanging out at kc's house thing that is getting to me.

I don't fucking know. Maybe it's the beers I've been drinking all afternoon that aren't helping my outlook on things. It was a really nice day out today, I got to wear my new cute skirt I got in Ireland, and I was having a good day. Maybe it's my anxiety about getting a job that is rolling over into other parts of my life. Maybe it's the intense boredom that is sinking in with each day that I'm unemployed. Who would have thought that I would like working this much. It's not like I have all that many errands to run, I got everything I needed to do this week done in 2 hours today. What the fuck else am I supposed to do with my time?

Today I got a bunch of books from the library on inorganic chemistry. I want to wow them with my eagerness and knowledge if I do get called back for another interview. But seriously...do I seem like the kind of person who reads up on inorganic radioactive chemistry for fun? I've read more books in the past couple months than I did all last year. All my friends work. I look forward to rugby practice and games because it gets me out of my house and let's me see my friends. I don't have any money to go and do fun things because of my unemployment. At least if it's nice out tomorrow I can ride my bike around town.

Maybe it's boredom that is allowing my brain to run amok with this shit. I need something to occupy my time so my head doesn't think about kc hanging out with t at her house. Although, at this time of night even if I was working I would still be home and relaxing in my pj's and probably having the same shit go through my head. Fuck. Maybe kc will come over tonight. I'm certainly not going to her house, it's almost fucking midnight. Although time doesn't seem to bother her when she's crawling into my bed at 3am.

I need to make my brain shut off. Time to slip into my pj's and crawl into bed with my book. Who knows what time I'll actually fucking end up sleeping, but it's not like I have to set an alarm to get up for work in the morning.