Why do I still get surprised when things are good with me and kc for more than a month? It's like, I don't expect them to stay that way because something always gets messed up. But I'm doing my best to keep that feeling in check.
I shouldn't be surprised. I should be happy that things have finally gotten to the point that we're communicating really well and we're excited to see each other and she still wants sex, although I think that her recreational use affects that slightly.
She knows it does, but, I mean, as long as I'm still getting it I really don't care how much she smokes. It's not like I'm in charge of her life. She does what she wants, so do I.
Last night I decided to go visit some girls on the rugby team that I hadn't seen in a while. kc and I are supposed to be going camping tonight and climbing a 14er tomorrow. It was very sweet that she wanted to climb this one with just me. We'll climb the other ones with our friends later but she actually said she wanted to do it with just me.
Usually she's always down for inviting other people so it was definitely a good change of pace that she wanted to spend the time with just me. Especially considering that one of my biggest complaints from before was that I never got enough alone time with her.
And, for the last week or so, when she sends me an e-mail she's been signing it love, k. And I will NOT overthink and overanalyze this. It's special and that's all and that's all I'm going to think about it. I'm not going to push for some sort of verbal confirmation that what she is writing is what she is actually feeling.
Last Friday when I went out for happy hour with some friends she came to pick me up because I told her I probably shouldn't drive. I felt bad because she had to leave a party to come and get me, although we did end up going back to the party after, and she said it was ok, it's something that girlfriends do for each other.
So the love and girlfriend thing is a good. I'm enjoying my time and my days and it's working out well for us right now. I think that all the shit that we've been through we had to go through because it got us to where we are now. So I'm just going to remain calm and happy and go with it because that's the best thing to do.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Long Time
Wow, it's been a long time since I've had an evening where I can just sit here and give an update about me. Life has been crazy busy lately. Summer 7's is in full swing and my French class has been going on for a couple weeks now.
It's been nice being busy. I like it. Keeps me from overthinking things. Which, I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Just been relaxed and doing what I want to do. So far my idea of having a selfish summer has worked out well. A few weeks ago I went out on my friend j's boat, went wakeboarding for the first time. That was so much fun! But holy shit does it work your muscles. My back was sore for a couple days, but hopefully I'll have another couple free weekends to go out again and try it.
For the 4th of July kc was out of town (not that that mattered) but I wanted to climb a couple 14ers. Drove up to the mountain after class and slept in my car in the parking lot. It's actually pretty comfy with the back seats folded down flat. It was a really gorgeous day, not nearly as bad weather as the last time I climbed that mountain. I had to do both of them because the last time I went up there with the ex her and her sister wimped out of doing the 2nd one and then talked me out of doing it by myself. kc was a little worried about me doing them by myself but I wasn't, they're pretty heavily trafficed mountains so if something did happen there was plenty of other people around. It was great to just get out there and do it myself and know that I could do it myself.
Then this past weekend there was an event at the Botanic Gardens through my French class. It was catered by 6 different French restaurants in town with tons of food and wine. I took kc to it as a surprise and she really liked it. The gardens were closed off to the public so we had the whole place to ourselves. We got to wander around with food and wine and look at the pretty flowers and all the displays, it was really peaceful and fun. I even tried escargo! I was a little worried about how it would taste since I don't like clams because of their squishy bellies. But it was inside a pastry and had this delicious sauce and I liked it!
I think this weekend kc and I are going to climb another 14er. Some of my friends want to join us when we do one but kc wants to do this one with just me. Should be fun, get to do another hike, think we're going to just sleep in the back of my car like I did before. And then in a couple weeks I think I'll go with my friends to do the other ones that I want. It's cool because the ones I did on the 4th you can do 2 in one day and the ones I'll do with my friends you can do 3 in one day.
Then in a couple weeks I'm going to San Francisco to meet kc for the weekend. She is going to go out there for a week and see her family and then she's flying me out there to visit her for the last weekend. Some friends of hers moved to a town right near San Francisco so we're going to visit and stay with them.
I got my application done for the masters program so hopefully I'll be able to start that in the fall. I ordered my transcripts from college today and I just have to mail out my recommendations and a check for the processing fee tomorrow and I should be all good.
I think this sense of independence and doing what I want to do is actually helping my relationship with kc. Things have been good with us for the last month. She is excited about seeing me and we have stuff to talk about, not just stuff she's doing but stuff I'm doing. And she wants me to practice my french that I'm learning with her.
I'm really liking this class. It's definitely hard, there is just so much to learn, but it's a total perk that my teacher is hot. I've never had a hot teacher before. And now I get to add studying for the tests I'll have to take for grad school to what I get to do at night when I'm at home. So, have no fear, I'll keep updating this thing but probably not as frequently as I normally would.
As for work...whatever. It's a job. Totally unsatisfying and fairly boring. It would be cool if I could go to China sometime but it's okay, I'll make it there someday. They keep wanting me to get involved in all of these things that I have absolutely no idea about. I don't think my boss realizes that I'm not a fucking accountant...I'm a scientist. If he wants me to make sure they are environmentally compliant with everything and talk to them about all this stuff great, I can do that. But he wants me to keep track of this shipping stuff and talk to people about orders they are placing. It's not really all that hard, it's just shit I've never done before.
So that's the lowdown on what's been going on with me. Life is good and busy. My selfish summer is paying off. I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sucks that I can't do everything, if only people would schedule things on weekends and evenings that I have free. But, I'm having fun and that's really all I care about.
It's been nice being busy. I like it. Keeps me from overthinking things. Which, I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Just been relaxed and doing what I want to do. So far my idea of having a selfish summer has worked out well. A few weeks ago I went out on my friend j's boat, went wakeboarding for the first time. That was so much fun! But holy shit does it work your muscles. My back was sore for a couple days, but hopefully I'll have another couple free weekends to go out again and try it.
For the 4th of July kc was out of town (not that that mattered) but I wanted to climb a couple 14ers. Drove up to the mountain after class and slept in my car in the parking lot. It's actually pretty comfy with the back seats folded down flat. It was a really gorgeous day, not nearly as bad weather as the last time I climbed that mountain. I had to do both of them because the last time I went up there with the ex her and her sister wimped out of doing the 2nd one and then talked me out of doing it by myself. kc was a little worried about me doing them by myself but I wasn't, they're pretty heavily trafficed mountains so if something did happen there was plenty of other people around. It was great to just get out there and do it myself and know that I could do it myself.
Then this past weekend there was an event at the Botanic Gardens through my French class. It was catered by 6 different French restaurants in town with tons of food and wine. I took kc to it as a surprise and she really liked it. The gardens were closed off to the public so we had the whole place to ourselves. We got to wander around with food and wine and look at the pretty flowers and all the displays, it was really peaceful and fun. I even tried escargo! I was a little worried about how it would taste since I don't like clams because of their squishy bellies. But it was inside a pastry and had this delicious sauce and I liked it!
I think this weekend kc and I are going to climb another 14er. Some of my friends want to join us when we do one but kc wants to do this one with just me. Should be fun, get to do another hike, think we're going to just sleep in the back of my car like I did before. And then in a couple weeks I think I'll go with my friends to do the other ones that I want. It's cool because the ones I did on the 4th you can do 2 in one day and the ones I'll do with my friends you can do 3 in one day.
Then in a couple weeks I'm going to San Francisco to meet kc for the weekend. She is going to go out there for a week and see her family and then she's flying me out there to visit her for the last weekend. Some friends of hers moved to a town right near San Francisco so we're going to visit and stay with them.
I got my application done for the masters program so hopefully I'll be able to start that in the fall. I ordered my transcripts from college today and I just have to mail out my recommendations and a check for the processing fee tomorrow and I should be all good.
I think this sense of independence and doing what I want to do is actually helping my relationship with kc. Things have been good with us for the last month. She is excited about seeing me and we have stuff to talk about, not just stuff she's doing but stuff I'm doing. And she wants me to practice my french that I'm learning with her.
I'm really liking this class. It's definitely hard, there is just so much to learn, but it's a total perk that my teacher is hot. I've never had a hot teacher before. And now I get to add studying for the tests I'll have to take for grad school to what I get to do at night when I'm at home. So, have no fear, I'll keep updating this thing but probably not as frequently as I normally would.
As for work...whatever. It's a job. Totally unsatisfying and fairly boring. It would be cool if I could go to China sometime but it's okay, I'll make it there someday. They keep wanting me to get involved in all of these things that I have absolutely no idea about. I don't think my boss realizes that I'm not a fucking accountant...I'm a scientist. If he wants me to make sure they are environmentally compliant with everything and talk to them about all this stuff great, I can do that. But he wants me to keep track of this shipping stuff and talk to people about orders they are placing. It's not really all that hard, it's just shit I've never done before.
So that's the lowdown on what's been going on with me. Life is good and busy. My selfish summer is paying off. I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it. It sucks that I can't do everything, if only people would schedule things on weekends and evenings that I have free. But, I'm having fun and that's really all I care about.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Carousels
They go up and down and round and round...kind of like my relationship with kc. Maybe she did just have PMS last weekend when she said she didn't want to have sex with me again because she sure does now. Or maybe that's all she wants. No, that's not it. I know that she wants something with me, but it can't involve expectations.
We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.
So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.
I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.
I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.
This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.
Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.
We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.
I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.
So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.
We were talking the other night because she had been studying at my house and left me a note saying that she was thinking about having sex with me again. But she didn't want any expectations. I told her that I don't have any, but what I do want is for her to treat me how she has been for the last couple weeks. Things have been fun and relaxed and not stressed.
So now I guess we'll just see where it goes. I told her my problem is that I like it when she is like how she has been, all affectionate, and snuggly, and wanting to hang out with me, not when she acts like she doesn't care if I'm around. And I'm sure that it's been helpful that I have a job now because I'm not sitting at home all bored and lonely. I've been getting out, doing my stuff, and working out.
I've been trying to go running after work at least 3 days a week, and then I have rugby on Wednesdays. Summer 7's started up again this week and it's been the first time in 2 months that I've been able to hit anyone. And it felt great! So my whole outlook on life has been a lot better lately, and I'm sure that kc is picking up on that.
I guess the thing for me to remember is to not fucking worry about it so much and just relax and have a good time. Because we do have a good time when things are good. And our communication about things is only getting better and that's really key. I've never really felt like I could say all the things that I wanted to, good or bad, in my past relationships, like I had to hold stuff back. And with her I don't, and she doesn't want me to either. She wants to know when I'm pissed at her and when I'm happy with her.
This weekend we're supposed to go camping. Well, her, h, c, and ca are already there. They left at the ass crack of dawn this morning and she is going to call me and give me directions to the campsite. I told her that I would leave tomorrow morning because I just wanted to come home and relax tonight and not have what happened last time happen.
Last summer I drove around for 3 hours and became incredibly pissed off because I couldn't find them. This time they're going to an actual campground and I know the general location of how to get there, just not the exact one they're at. So she is going to actually drive to a place that gets cell reception or has a pay phone and call me tonight to give me directions. I mean, let's hope it happens, I think it will. It fucking better since my car is all loaded.
We all know she's not the most punctual person so I don't expect a call anytime soon. I figure they've actually found a spot since last I heard from her they were driving to another place. They're probably setting up camp, drinking some beverages, and hanging out and once they get settled or whatever she'll call. Of course, knowing her she won't call until around 10pm or later when she realizes that she forgot to, but whatever, as long as she does. It's not like I'm driving out there right now to find them tonight.
I'm pretty psyched to get out into the woods (although this is car camping) and do some hiking and use my tent. And we get to snuggle together in it which I always like, have a campfire, all the good stuff. I can't wait to do some backpacking, although it's prime bear season so may need to wait a little while longer to do that. Not that they can't attack regular campsites, but at least I won't be alone in the woods.
So yeah, things have been good lately, in all aspects of my life. My job is trying to get me involved in more stuff since it takes me no time at all to do the work that I have. It's not really all that challenging, but we'll see what happens with this government job and if I get that. Who knows. I mean, this job is okay, and maybe once I've been there longer and get involved in more stuff it'll get more challenging and exciting. Maybe I'll even get to travel some more. Guess at least I have a job finally.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Raining and Pouring
Fuck when it rains it pours! I mean, here I am unemployed for 3 months, I finally get a job and now I'm getting letters and phone calls about other jobs. Seriously? This company is great and all but it's not my dream job. I do quality for a company that imports baby clothes. I'm the person who makes sure that there isn't anything that the kid can pull off and choke on...yes, you heard me.
The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.
And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.
I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?
I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.
On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.
Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.
I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.
And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.
Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.
I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.
The scientist inside of me feels so deprived right now. The people are nice and all but I know I've frustrated a couple people at least with my incessant questioning and my inability to let things slide. Take measurements for example. I have to measure socks and tights to make sure they are within spec for the size range listed. But, since they stretch they are allowed to be off by a little bit. But how fucking much is a little bit? Therein lies my problem.
And I got a letter in the mail saying that I had passed the first phase of this government job that I think would be more in line with me and my background. Environmental Protection Specialist sounds a lot more interesting than Quality Control Manager. And this job would be right down the street from me. I could ride my bike there and not spend over $50 per tank of gas about once a week. I also wouldn't have to worry about classes, I'd be so close that there wouldn't be any rush hour traffic.
I guess I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I have to go take the test and if I score below a certain amount I'm automatically disqualified. But if I don't go and take the test the letter said basically that I would not be considered for any other jobs requiring that test...EVER. So I have to go to work late in a couple weeks because the least I can do is take the test. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I actually do get the job?
I know this kind of stuff happens all the time, but I would feel really guilty about it. But people leave and start jobs everyday. And I certainly wouldn't be the first person to leave this company and I won't be the last, but I would still feel bad. I guess I can't worry about that now, I just need to wait and see.
On a better note I've been running again. My ribs finally don't hurt and just in time for summer 7's to start up again next week. Even better is that I get to ride my bike there, it will take me 10 minutes. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. I get to hit someone again, I get to roll around in the grass, and I get to get exercise without having to drag my ass down the trail. The trail isn't bad though, I just hate running, but it's the only thing that gets my ass back in shape.
Not being able to do anything for 6 weeks really sucked...BAD! Exercising really helps me clear my head and makes me feel good about myself. I've gotten pretty soft not being able to do any exercise. And kc not wanting to have sex with me is of course not really helping.
I have no idea what is going on with her. She treats me more like a girlfriend when she doesn't want to be with me than she does when she wants to be with me. She calls me, wants to hang out, is snuggly and affectionate, and kisses me, and we go out on dates. I don't fucking get her, again, as usual, I have no idea what the hell is going on in her head.
And she wonders why I'm confused and have no idea how she feels about me. She thinks that she is being upfront and honest by telling me that she doesn't think things will ever work out with us, that she's not attracted to me when I'm insecure, but then she's all girlfriend acting with me. Not to mention that I've told her that her not telling me how she feels about me when I'm sitting there pouring my heart out to her and she knows exactly how I feel about her makes things even harder.
Whatever. I have no idea. Tonight I'm going to relax at home I think. Still undecided about First Friday, but at least none of the rugby girls are harassing me to go. kc mentioned something about it yesterday, but I'm not really counting on that coming through or happening. Tomorrow my friend is having a badly needed girls night out and so kc is going to drop me off and pick me up so I can drink and not have to take a cab home. I have to spend all evening in hetero land but at least I don't have to think about girls.
I think I'm going to swear off women for a while and have a selfish summer. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to accomplish the stuff I want to. If I want to climb a 14er I will. I if I want to sit on my ass all night and drink wine then I will. If I want to go backpacking or hiking or camping or mountain biking. I just think that this is the only way that I am going to get my head on straight and actually get myself to a place where I can even begin to think about dating again.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Has it been that long?
Damn, life comes at you fast, just like the commercial says. LOTS of new things in my life. So let's start with the obvious...my employment. As a requirement for my unemployment I have to fill out 5 job applications a week. Riiight, because 5 chemistry jobs that I'm qualified for just open up all the time. So, I've been applying to all kinds of random jobs, mostly ones that I'm either way overqualified for that don't pay shit or ones that I'm completely not qualified for just because.
So I've been doing this for the last 3 months. Last week I apply for a quality control job at this company. I just looked at the requirements and thought, well, I'm definitely not qualified, but what the fuck, I'll apply anyway. And the next day they called me for an interview! Then I actually took a look at the company's website and thought, well, they probably won't hire me because this company imports baby clothes, but what the hell, I'll go.
The interview went well enough and they seemed to like me but I just thought they were being nice. And then they called me the next day and offered me the job! And then they told me that they would pay me what I asked!
I started on Tuesday. It's definitely not my field that's for sure. But, it's a job, and one that pays well. And this just reinforces in me that I need to get my masters and teach some undergrad chemistry. I'm feeling scientific withdrawl. This job will be totally cake once I get it figured out. The people at the company are nice enough and all very willing to make sure I get help with what I don't know. And I get to travel for them. Next week I'm going to exciting Arkansas to take a tour of one of their testing labs. Eventually I'll get to go to Shanghai so that's exciting. I might see if I can make a stop in Japan for a couple days on my way home if I ever do get to take that trip.
So yay, I'm employed! Now I just need to get my application for school finished. Oh, and I signed up for this French class! It starts next month and I'm really excited for it. I really want to become fluent in another language and since I already know enough broken Spanish to get by I decided I wanted to learn French. And kc paid for the class in exchange for the home organization stuff I've been doing for her. I think it was a good tradeoff.
And in kc news I suppose we can go there. We had a good weekend last weekend, except for my drunken hysteria on Friday night. I was just so fucking angry at her and told her and freaked out on her, and the alcohol didn't help my cause. So I ended up driving home around 4:30am because I just couldn't be near her anymore. Or c, because c has a crush on kc, and is always all over her and touching her and hugging her. And kc doesn't like her like that, and I wigged out because I have heard that fucking line before. At least with a I saw it coming. And I really want to believe her, but the way she has been with me lately I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's still in her I'm too busy to hang out with you even though I have good intentions. She lost her cell phone for all of last week so we've actually been having to talk on the phone which is nice. But, fuck, I mean, for all her, we need a date, we should have sex, I miss you crap, she isn't doing a fucking thing about it. This morning she sends me a text (yeah, after a week she finally realized she was never getting her phone back and bought a new one) at 6am saying that she's finally going to bed and if I can't sleep I can come and sleep with her. Except she was going to sleep on her couch. Now, if there's just no real other choice I'll sleep on the couch, it's just been uncomfortable with my ribs because they stiffen up and I wake up in pain. And why the fuck would I leave my comfortable warm bed that I've been sleeping in all night to go lay on a couch that would make me uncomfortable?
I don't know. I told her I was having an argument in my head (which has apparently become code for, I've got some shit to talk to you about). Lately, I just keep playing these scenarios out in my head, arguments between us, and seeing how they would go in an effort to find the best way to tell her stuff. So far it's working, and it's definitely better than a drunken hysterical evening exploding on her.
So, that's what's been going on lately. Today I have to go get the other half of my curtains. I decided to hang some curtains in my bedroom to cut down on the morning light so I could sleep late. Except that it didn't say on the fucking package that it only contained half of the curtains. I suppose they're the first nice thing I've bought for my house since I moved in (aside from the couch) so I didn't mind paying what I did for them. I'm just pissed that the curtain was only big enough for half the window. So now I have go to back to the store today and get the other half. And I got a coupon for a free memory foam pillow when I moved in, that thankfully doesn't have an expiration date, so I'm going to pick that up today. Why the hell not, I shouldn't bend my schedule or what I want to do because kc can't make any fucking time to spend with me.
And at least last weekend I wasn't really worried about it. I had a ton of stuff to do with the rugby girls and it was fucking fun. We worked the beer tent at the festival and I spent most of the weekend with them. Plus kc's mom was in town so I got to see her, and cousin g was here.
Well, now it's Saturday morning. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, finish some laundry (that got neglected all last weekend and has been piling up), take a shower, head over to kc's to see if she wants to go to the store with me, and then do some shit. Maybe I'll lay out on the lawn and work on my tan. I definitely need to clean out my car. There is a show tonight that I might go to that sounds like it'll be fun. So I've got some stuff on my plate to do today whether or not kc actually wants to spend some time with me.
So I've been doing this for the last 3 months. Last week I apply for a quality control job at this company. I just looked at the requirements and thought, well, I'm definitely not qualified, but what the fuck, I'll apply anyway. And the next day they called me for an interview! Then I actually took a look at the company's website and thought, well, they probably won't hire me because this company imports baby clothes, but what the hell, I'll go.
The interview went well enough and they seemed to like me but I just thought they were being nice. And then they called me the next day and offered me the job! And then they told me that they would pay me what I asked!
I started on Tuesday. It's definitely not my field that's for sure. But, it's a job, and one that pays well. And this just reinforces in me that I need to get my masters and teach some undergrad chemistry. I'm feeling scientific withdrawl. This job will be totally cake once I get it figured out. The people at the company are nice enough and all very willing to make sure I get help with what I don't know. And I get to travel for them. Next week I'm going to exciting Arkansas to take a tour of one of their testing labs. Eventually I'll get to go to Shanghai so that's exciting. I might see if I can make a stop in Japan for a couple days on my way home if I ever do get to take that trip.
So yay, I'm employed! Now I just need to get my application for school finished. Oh, and I signed up for this French class! It starts next month and I'm really excited for it. I really want to become fluent in another language and since I already know enough broken Spanish to get by I decided I wanted to learn French. And kc paid for the class in exchange for the home organization stuff I've been doing for her. I think it was a good tradeoff.
And in kc news I suppose we can go there. We had a good weekend last weekend, except for my drunken hysteria on Friday night. I was just so fucking angry at her and told her and freaked out on her, and the alcohol didn't help my cause. So I ended up driving home around 4:30am because I just couldn't be near her anymore. Or c, because c has a crush on kc, and is always all over her and touching her and hugging her. And kc doesn't like her like that, and I wigged out because I have heard that fucking line before. At least with a I saw it coming. And I really want to believe her, but the way she has been with me lately I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's still in her I'm too busy to hang out with you even though I have good intentions. She lost her cell phone for all of last week so we've actually been having to talk on the phone which is nice. But, fuck, I mean, for all her, we need a date, we should have sex, I miss you crap, she isn't doing a fucking thing about it. This morning she sends me a text (yeah, after a week she finally realized she was never getting her phone back and bought a new one) at 6am saying that she's finally going to bed and if I can't sleep I can come and sleep with her. Except she was going to sleep on her couch. Now, if there's just no real other choice I'll sleep on the couch, it's just been uncomfortable with my ribs because they stiffen up and I wake up in pain. And why the fuck would I leave my comfortable warm bed that I've been sleeping in all night to go lay on a couch that would make me uncomfortable?
I don't know. I told her I was having an argument in my head (which has apparently become code for, I've got some shit to talk to you about). Lately, I just keep playing these scenarios out in my head, arguments between us, and seeing how they would go in an effort to find the best way to tell her stuff. So far it's working, and it's definitely better than a drunken hysterical evening exploding on her.
So, that's what's been going on lately. Today I have to go get the other half of my curtains. I decided to hang some curtains in my bedroom to cut down on the morning light so I could sleep late. Except that it didn't say on the fucking package that it only contained half of the curtains. I suppose they're the first nice thing I've bought for my house since I moved in (aside from the couch) so I didn't mind paying what I did for them. I'm just pissed that the curtain was only big enough for half the window. So now I have go to back to the store today and get the other half. And I got a coupon for a free memory foam pillow when I moved in, that thankfully doesn't have an expiration date, so I'm going to pick that up today. Why the hell not, I shouldn't bend my schedule or what I want to do because kc can't make any fucking time to spend with me.
And at least last weekend I wasn't really worried about it. I had a ton of stuff to do with the rugby girls and it was fucking fun. We worked the beer tent at the festival and I spent most of the weekend with them. Plus kc's mom was in town so I got to see her, and cousin g was here.
Well, now it's Saturday morning. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, finish some laundry (that got neglected all last weekend and has been piling up), take a shower, head over to kc's to see if she wants to go to the store with me, and then do some shit. Maybe I'll lay out on the lawn and work on my tan. I definitely need to clean out my car. There is a show tonight that I might go to that sounds like it'll be fun. So I've got some stuff on my plate to do today whether or not kc actually wants to spend some time with me.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Missing me
Well, I guess patience has its virtues. I have barely seen kc in the past few weeks because she's been busy with school and stuff. So I decided to just give her her space and let her miss me. And I guess she has.
She asked me what I was doing later last night because she wanted to come over and sleep at my house. Then she had a few beers and couldn't drive. So this afternoon she called me saying she had to go to town to do some stuff and since I was going also did I want to meet up later? She said she missed me, feels like she hasn't seen me in forever, which she hasn't. So I guess letting her figure it out on her own was the way to go.
I mean, it sucks, it was kind of agonizing letting her realize it, but I guess the bright side is that she did realize it. And actually hearing her say it (yes, she called instead of texted me like she usually does) was really nice. She said she felt like she hadn't seen me in forever. Which in all actuality she hasn't.
So, I guess it's not all bad that I gotta drive up to rugby practice (which I can't participate in) and have that meeting afterward. We're going to meet up and have a late dinner and get to snuggle and that will be nice. I mean, I'm not getting my hopes up that it will all work out, but she should be done with the project she has to do up there, so hopefully it does.
Who knows, maybe she'll actually come to my rugby tournament on Saturday. I mean, I doubt it since rc will be there, but maybe. And she is going to come over for a BBQ on Sunday with my aunts. I have to pick them up at the airport tomorrow night. I can't wait to see them. They have to be 2 of my favorite relatives that I have, 2 that I am the closest to, 2 that saved me last summer.
I was in a really bad place and I went to spend the week with them. It was just before I became homeless and while I was there was when I found out I was being laid off. I was in a bad place with kc. And I went there for a week and relaxed, unwound, got some shit together in my head, and by the time I came back here I was feeling so much more better. My outlook on life had greatly improved. So I really can't wait to see them!
Looks like it should be a good weekend. My aunts get here tomorrow night, rugby tournament and flip cup tournament on Saturday, BBQ with kc and my aunts on Sunday, and then a day to do whatever with my aunts on Monday. I can't wait!
She asked me what I was doing later last night because she wanted to come over and sleep at my house. Then she had a few beers and couldn't drive. So this afternoon she called me saying she had to go to town to do some stuff and since I was going also did I want to meet up later? She said she missed me, feels like she hasn't seen me in forever, which she hasn't. So I guess letting her figure it out on her own was the way to go.
I mean, it sucks, it was kind of agonizing letting her realize it, but I guess the bright side is that she did realize it. And actually hearing her say it (yes, she called instead of texted me like she usually does) was really nice. She said she felt like she hadn't seen me in forever. Which in all actuality she hasn't.
So, I guess it's not all bad that I gotta drive up to rugby practice (which I can't participate in) and have that meeting afterward. We're going to meet up and have a late dinner and get to snuggle and that will be nice. I mean, I'm not getting my hopes up that it will all work out, but she should be done with the project she has to do up there, so hopefully it does.
Who knows, maybe she'll actually come to my rugby tournament on Saturday. I mean, I doubt it since rc will be there, but maybe. And she is going to come over for a BBQ on Sunday with my aunts. I have to pick them up at the airport tomorrow night. I can't wait to see them. They have to be 2 of my favorite relatives that I have, 2 that I am the closest to, 2 that saved me last summer.
I was in a really bad place and I went to spend the week with them. It was just before I became homeless and while I was there was when I found out I was being laid off. I was in a bad place with kc. And I went there for a week and relaxed, unwound, got some shit together in my head, and by the time I came back here I was feeling so much more better. My outlook on life had greatly improved. So I really can't wait to see them!
Looks like it should be a good weekend. My aunts get here tomorrow night, rugby tournament and flip cup tournament on Saturday, BBQ with kc and my aunts on Sunday, and then a day to do whatever with my aunts on Monday. I can't wait!
Monday, May 12, 2008
What about me?
I swear, it's like I feel like I have to suppress shit that I don't want to, and all because kc is busy. I know she's fucking busy, she always is. I know I'm unemployed and have way more free time than I normally do. At least my ribs are better. I can't go running yet (found that out when I tried to run across the street in an effort to avoid being run over by a car) but at least I can ride the bike at the gym. And I did go for a 2 hour nature walk down the trail today.
At least her finals are over on Wednesday. And then maybe I won't get pushed to the backburner. Maybe I won't be a fucking after thought. It's like, do I need to remind her of the conversation we had when everything went down last month? Do I have to tell her that if she can't express her feelings towards me physically then she has to do it verbally? I mean, I don't need verbal, although it would be nice, but if I can't have physical can I have something?
Maybe I'm just feeling super horny right now. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just the month of May that, looking back through last year's entries, seems just to be a bad month for us. I mean, I realize that I can't be dependent upon kc to fill my time, but is it so bad that I want a little time? Fuck, this just seems like it is my usual complaint. It's always time.
It's just that I feel like it's always that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine or something. A couple weeks ago I was sleeping at her house and she came to bed around 2am and we started making out but nope, can't have sex because she has to get up and work on a school project. Except that I can remember countless evenings where I'd go to bed around 11pm since I had to get up for work at 4:45am, and she'd wake me up for sex around 1am. And I'd do it, because, well, I love sex, and I understand what happens to a relationship when you're not getting any. But her reasoning was that she had to focus on school, that it took more brainpower than just sitting at work for 10 hours.
Although, I don't know, I don't like to make excuses. I did rip on her about it and I've talked to her about it, I'm just bitching about it now. Probably because I'm super horny. I mean, I've cut her some slack, I know how much school sucks. But her time management skills aren't exactly stellar. But, whatever. I mean, I knew Wednesday was her last day of class and I still made plans to have lunch with rc. Gotta pay up on the bet I lost and she's got a case of Magic Hat sitting at her house waiting for me.
Maybe I can get kc to actually want to take me on a date Thursday night. I got a call from the comedy place today that they had drawn my name and I won some free tickets to the show on Thursday night, so maybe I can get her to commit to something instead of just waiting for the day of. She did make plans to hang with my aunts on Sunday when they come to visit this weekend so that's progress. And she did follow through with the plans to meet my parents so that's good.
Guess it is just lack of sex that is getting to me right now. And possibly PMS. Okay, yeah, there's definitely some PMS in there. Or maybe I should stop watching Sex and the City. Fuck. I don't know. At least I did something today, I went for a 2 hour long nature walk and took pictures. Then it started raining and thundering and getting all blustery when I got home so at least I got out before the weather got bad. And tomorrow I have to drive to the doctor again before practice. For the last 3 weeks I've been going to see this doctor who is treating my rib injury. And the only reason I have been is because he is treating me for free since I have no insurance.
Damn, I need a fucking job. This is ridiculous, 3 months now I've been unemployed. I'm either comletely over- or under-qualified for every job I apply for. Or they pick someone else. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's like I can't win. On a brighter note, I am going to sign up for this French class that starts next month. I want to learn how to speak French. I would just love to be fluent in another language. I mean, I took 4 years of Spanish in high school, and I remember enough of it to get by, but there is just something about French that makes me want to learn it.
And I did get my tattoo touched up the other day. Hung out with the rugby girls on Saturday and it turned into a big party at my house in the afternoon then we closed down the bar later. We played some croquet on the lawn, which sr and the rest of the girls have now taken to calling the grassy knoll. So at least I'm getting out there. And being able to go to the gym again has been good. There's just something about being able to work up a good sweat that makes me feel immensely better. I wish I could tackle and play in our tournament this weekend especially because my aunts are coming to visit and watch, but it's okay. I should be good enough to play again by summer 7's although I have made a goal of trying to put on 5lbs of muscle weight before next fall.
So at least I'm not spending everyday holed up in my house. It just sucks because I could be backpacking but my ribs hurt too much. I could go hiking more but I can't really afford the gas to fill up my car all that much. But, I think I'm going to make it my goal to get out onto the trail at least 2 or 3 times a week. There's a lot of it to explore. And I can bike, walk, or rollerblade the whole thing. Plus once I can handle bumps I can start riding my bike around town, although I could also just walk since that is better exercise than sitting on my ass on my couch.
At least her finals are over on Wednesday. And then maybe I won't get pushed to the backburner. Maybe I won't be a fucking after thought. It's like, do I need to remind her of the conversation we had when everything went down last month? Do I have to tell her that if she can't express her feelings towards me physically then she has to do it verbally? I mean, I don't need verbal, although it would be nice, but if I can't have physical can I have something?
Maybe I'm just feeling super horny right now. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just the month of May that, looking back through last year's entries, seems just to be a bad month for us. I mean, I realize that I can't be dependent upon kc to fill my time, but is it so bad that I want a little time? Fuck, this just seems like it is my usual complaint. It's always time.
It's just that I feel like it's always that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine or something. A couple weeks ago I was sleeping at her house and she came to bed around 2am and we started making out but nope, can't have sex because she has to get up and work on a school project. Except that I can remember countless evenings where I'd go to bed around 11pm since I had to get up for work at 4:45am, and she'd wake me up for sex around 1am. And I'd do it, because, well, I love sex, and I understand what happens to a relationship when you're not getting any. But her reasoning was that she had to focus on school, that it took more brainpower than just sitting at work for 10 hours.
Although, I don't know, I don't like to make excuses. I did rip on her about it and I've talked to her about it, I'm just bitching about it now. Probably because I'm super horny. I mean, I've cut her some slack, I know how much school sucks. But her time management skills aren't exactly stellar. But, whatever. I mean, I knew Wednesday was her last day of class and I still made plans to have lunch with rc. Gotta pay up on the bet I lost and she's got a case of Magic Hat sitting at her house waiting for me.
Maybe I can get kc to actually want to take me on a date Thursday night. I got a call from the comedy place today that they had drawn my name and I won some free tickets to the show on Thursday night, so maybe I can get her to commit to something instead of just waiting for the day of. She did make plans to hang with my aunts on Sunday when they come to visit this weekend so that's progress. And she did follow through with the plans to meet my parents so that's good.
Guess it is just lack of sex that is getting to me right now. And possibly PMS. Okay, yeah, there's definitely some PMS in there. Or maybe I should stop watching Sex and the City. Fuck. I don't know. At least I did something today, I went for a 2 hour long nature walk and took pictures. Then it started raining and thundering and getting all blustery when I got home so at least I got out before the weather got bad. And tomorrow I have to drive to the doctor again before practice. For the last 3 weeks I've been going to see this doctor who is treating my rib injury. And the only reason I have been is because he is treating me for free since I have no insurance.
Damn, I need a fucking job. This is ridiculous, 3 months now I've been unemployed. I'm either comletely over- or under-qualified for every job I apply for. Or they pick someone else. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's like I can't win. On a brighter note, I am going to sign up for this French class that starts next month. I want to learn how to speak French. I would just love to be fluent in another language. I mean, I took 4 years of Spanish in high school, and I remember enough of it to get by, but there is just something about French that makes me want to learn it.
And I did get my tattoo touched up the other day. Hung out with the rugby girls on Saturday and it turned into a big party at my house in the afternoon then we closed down the bar later. We played some croquet on the lawn, which sr and the rest of the girls have now taken to calling the grassy knoll. So at least I'm getting out there. And being able to go to the gym again has been good. There's just something about being able to work up a good sweat that makes me feel immensely better. I wish I could tackle and play in our tournament this weekend especially because my aunts are coming to visit and watch, but it's okay. I should be good enough to play again by summer 7's although I have made a goal of trying to put on 5lbs of muscle weight before next fall.
So at least I'm not spending everyday holed up in my house. It just sucks because I could be backpacking but my ribs hurt too much. I could go hiking more but I can't really afford the gas to fill up my car all that much. But, I think I'm going to make it my goal to get out onto the trail at least 2 or 3 times a week. There's a lot of it to explore. And I can bike, walk, or rollerblade the whole thing. Plus once I can handle bumps I can start riding my bike around town, although I could also just walk since that is better exercise than sitting on my ass on my couch.
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