Not sure what I'm doing

So yeah, I did it again, sort of. We had a rugby match yesterday against BI, it should have gone a lot better than it did, but we played well. And then we started drinking. And then we drank some more. We almost kicked the keg at the field, brought it to one of the girl's house, along with a couple 30 packs and started playing some drinking games, and singing.

It was good times. Then we went to the bar...and somehow I started making out with my rookie. A lot. We made out in more locations in town then I can remember and if we had been spotted by the cops we probably would have been ticketed for any number of things including public drunkenness and possibly indecent exposure.

Thing is, it's a little different than the last time this sort of thing happened. I could totally see myself liking this girl, she is fun, a great kisser, and I had an excellent time hanging out with her. We spent all afternoon texting each other, she's going to make me dinner sometime.

I'm not sure why I'm worried about it. Maybe it's just because rugby is my sanctuary and I've got the personal rule about not dating teammates. Or maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. Who knows. I need to stop overthinking this situation and just relax and let whatever happens happen I guess.

It was a good evening. And certainly a memorable one. And it's cool because she lives down here near me and we're going to start carpooling to practice. And yeah, it was fun.

Lonely Mornings

Sometimes, I hate waking up alone. This morning was just one of those mornings that I wanted to wake up in someone's arms. Someone who wants to wake up next to me, who wants to wrap her arms around me, who wants to hold me and make me feel better. Maybe it's just this morning, maybe it's just this weekend.

My head has been a little off this weekend. I hope it's just this weekend and what this weekend signifies in my life. I hope it's just hormonal. I'm really not a big fan of waking up in the morning and feeling like this.

Most mornings I wake up feeling happy and fine, ready to face the day. This morning, I just wanted to roll over into someone's arms and have her hold me for a little while and snuggle. I wanted to make some coffee, put in some Van Morrison, open the blinds so a little sun shines in, and just lay in bed and be. And while I did get up and open the blinds and make some coffee, I'm sitting on my couch right now, alone.

Maybe it's just I wanted this Sunday morning to live up to my ideal Sunday morning scenario: waking up leisurely in bed, maybe an early morning sex session, laying my head on someone's chest, coffee brewing, light music playing, sun shining. It is just so relaxing and peaceful in my head.

Or maybe it's the single girl syndrome where all I can see are the happy couples surrounding me. Who knows? I mean, I know I'm not surrounded by happy couples everywhere, but...I just need to get this feeling out of my head. I need to go to the gym and go running and clear my head. Maybe that eye candy that was there the other day will be there. She's not really my type, kinda short (although that's never stopped me) and a little butch (which I like), but she kind of looks like a meathead, like she spends a little too much time in the gym and wouldn't be able to let loose and have a good time.

And to make matters more interesting, I had a dream the other night that I was being all flirty and stuff with sm. Even though I have no interest in dating her. And I can't let myself get into a relationship with someone I'm not interested in just because I don't want to be lonely or alone. I guess that's just the thing that I need to keep in mind when I throw myself back into the dating pool.

Weird and Interesting Things

Wow, yesterday had to have been one of the most weird and interesting days that I've had in a while. I woke up at kc's house in the morning after an evening that I'm just not really sure about. I got a knee in the head at practice that made me a little loopy and a text from kc asking if I wanted to get dinner. However, my interpretation was that it would be just us. Then I get another text saying can I go pick them up because they're intoxicated.

This annoyed me. I mean, really? You couldn't come and get me and your cousin even though we were intoxicated, but you want me to cart your fucking ass all over town to go pick up h at the bus stop, then drive back to almost my house because that's where the restaurant is, because you're intoxicated? Yeah, I'm an asshole to myself, because I didn't realize that making dinner plans would involve having to pick up h at the bus station downtown, and I was starving. So I was kind of grumpy when I got to kc's house and she has the nerve to tell me not to bring her down. Whatever.

We finally got to dinner and I began to relax. Ordered a beer and then had another one for dessert and started to unwind. Cousin g was getting totally hammered and was kind of being loud and obnoxious, but, whatever, it happens. Then we go back to my house to cg can do a shot of the Irish moonshine, and then he threw up in my kitchen sink. Surprisingly, I thought the first person to puke at my house would be either me or one of the rugby girls. Oh well, at least there weren't dishes in the sink and I have a garbage disposal.

Anyway, so I also made myself a big ole drink while we were hanging out at my house and was pretty lit after that. We went back to kc's house and had a balloon and then I passed out on the couch and woke up at 4:30am and went to bed. I have no idea what time kc actually came to bed. I also got the feeling that she didn't really want me at her house, but I asked her before I made the drink at my house and she said we'd just see how the evening went. So we both woke up hungover and took cg to the airport and then I hung out a little bit with her but she had to take people to run errands and do shit, so I just came home and took a nap.

So my day had already started off on a weird note waking up at kc's house. I wasn't exactly in a bad mood, just not feeling totally super. And it's Easter weekend and this weekend tends to fuck me up a little bit in the head. Easter was the weekend that my asshole stepdad tried to kill my mom so I tend to want to do things that clear my head on Easter. He's also the reason that I HATE country music and haven't eaten red meat in 15 years.

But, m invited to go watch this band at a bar downtown and it seemed like a good opportunity to get out of the house and meet some new people. However, m failed to mention that this band was a pretty country type band so it kind of wigged me out but I was trying to just enjoy the people watching. And they didn't play for that long so it was okay. So I hung out and had a good time and met a girl that's going to come and play rugby and then m hooked me up with a bowl for the evening.

I had a nice glow on my drive home and was just listening to some Van Morrison and was feeling really good. It was just weird, the way the whole day was. I wasn't thinking about kc at all while I was hanging out and I was okay with not going to h's birthday party. No idea what I'm going to do today, it looks crappy out and I was going to go for a run outside. Oh yeah, so I get home last night and check my e-mail and my myspace because I'm bored and wasn't sleepy. Guess who found me on myspace? My high school girlfriend, mm. It totally just threw me off, I mean, of all the random people who have found me there, I just didn't expect her to be one of them.

It's not a bad thing, just a weird thing. See? My whole day, interesting and weird. Not bad, wasn't really digging the band, but just weird. It was enjoyable though, aside from how I was feeling waking up with kc and the limited interaction I had with her, by the time I was driving home I was feeling really good. And I like that feeling, it's a great way to end a day.

cabin fever

I need to get the fuck out of my house. I went to the gym yesterday. How fucking exciting. At least I got a call from the guy today that they may have another explosives job opening up in the next week or so. He is really pushing for me to get a job at that company. I guess that's a good thing, at least someone wants me to get a job besides me. So what if he gets a finders fee, at least I get a decent paying job, so it works out in the end.

I think I would suck at being independently wealthy. I would be bored off my rocker, although at least if I was wealthy I could travel and go to exciting places and not be worrying about how much I need to raid my savings to pay my bills. Yeah, more excitement, I filed for unemployment yesterday. Except, they want you to fill out at least 5 job applications a week, yeah, because 5 chemist jobs are just opening up every week that I'm qualified for that will actually pay me somewhere near what I want.

Yesterday I tell kc that I'm starting to get cabin fever and she's all, you need to hang out with people. Um, you're the only person I know who doesn't work, besides your roommates. Everyone works...except me. At least right now. And this whole hanging out at my house thing is just making me think more.

Last week kc was all, come over, hang out, it'll be fun. Except, the more this week goes on, the more I feel like last week was really, come over, hang out, keep my cousin occupied so I can do my own shit. And h invited me to her birthday party on Friday, except I asked kc about it, and she wants to have the night to herself. Whatever, I'm going to go to the bar with m and watch this band she says is good, and maybe call kk and see if she wants to join since I haven't seen her in a while

I wonder how much physical activity we're going to do at practice today. It looks nice out, maybe I can find the trail and go for a run. As much as I hate running it at least clears out my head and after a few minutes my brain goes blank and I'm not thinking about anything except how much I hate running. And I do need to start whipping myself into shape. I would really like our team to win our friendly next weekend against BI. I think we have a shot of it. And I need to stop thinking about kc.

Bummer I'm not the least bit attracted to m, but maybe she'll have some friends with her at the bar. And there was some super butch eye candy at the gym yesterday. She was ripped, but looked a little short, however was pretty nice to look at, and well, that always makes going to the gym more pleasant. She also had some bitchin' tattoos, and well, we all know that I like tattoos. So, maybe she can be some eye candy inspiration.

Oh, and in other small world hell news...apparently one of the girls on my team used to play rugby on another team with t. And I guess after the match last Saturday t and another rookie went and partied it up with some of my girls. No idea what happened there, guess they all had a drunken good time, I'm just glad that I didn't go up there because that would have just been weird. It's like, at first I couldn't get away from d, and now I can't get away from t. At least with d it was easier to escape, she was just friends with a BI girl. However, t being friends with some of the girls on my team, fuck I sound like I'm high school.

It's just, it's like, if I'm ever to get kc out of my fucking head, I don't need all these little reminders of people that she'd like to fuck. And rugby is my sanctuary, it is the place where I can escape from my relationship hell. And this situation is getting a little too close to my sanctuary. I mean, I'm sure she's a great person, and if kc wasn't tied into this situation I'd probably have a lot of fun hanging out with her and the BI girls. But since I know that kc would totally give in to her coming onto her I can't get that out of my fucking head.

Sad part is that I've told kc that sometimes I think that she should just do it and get it over with, that it would probably make it easier for me. Of course, I also wish that the whole time she's doing it that images of me are running through her head, but that's not going to happen. But she's torn about it because she knows that I won't be around to snuggle with her and fulfill that part of her. And maybe she should have to live through that personal hell, fuck I have been, so maybe she can try and walk a mile in my shoes for a change. Maybe then she'd appreciate everything that I've gone through.

Too much time together

So yeah, I mean, I brought this up to her the other day. We have been spending a lot more time than normal together, at least for us. And kc says it's because she knows that soon enough she won't be able to snuggle with me and she wants to have snuggle time for as long as possible. Are you fucking kidding me? There was a lot more that went on in this conversation too.

We were down in the basement and I was watching her do a project and just talking to her. This was already after I had just spent an hour talking to my sister, who, as usual, never asked me how I was doing or what was going on in my life. Not that I could tell her everything since I was at kc's house (see my problem?) and I couldn't exactly divulge the information about what happened the other Friday night.

Back to the conversation. Yeah, so we start talking about what's been going on recently. I asked her why she was wanting to spend so much time with me since even when we were together we didn't spend this much time. She says it's because she loves the relationship that we have right now, that she loves snuggling with me, that I make her feel happy and peaceful, but she still doesn't want to have sex with me. Although she did say that she still thinks I'm hot which is a good thing, although I have no idea what that really meant.

Then we started talking about the other girl situation. There is this girl in one of her classes that she sort of likes, but doesn't want to do anything about since this girl t is a bit of a crazy partier and, oh yeah, get this, also plays for BI. So that should make for an interesting game when we play them next weekend. And to make things even more fun, she just randomly stopped by kc's house on Friday night...with a friend and a 6-pack. That was awkward, and interesting. I guess kc has told her about me, that we used to date, that we still hang out and snuggle but that we don't have sex. Talk about fucking weird!

So I asked kc what she would do if this girl came onto her since she said she doesn't want to make a move on her. She said she'd probably go along with it just to see where it went. That didn't exactly didn't make me feel like sunshine and roses that's for sure. I mean, I know we don't have a relationship, and I told her that I can't hold a torch for her, but still. Hearing that someone who you want to make some kind of miraculous turn-around and realize that the perfect girl is sitting there right next to her would be open to sleeping with someone else doesn't exactly have a way of bringing a smile to your face.

Of course, I suppose, on my end of things, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about the sm situation. Although, kc said that it would be a sad day for her when I find someone else, she said she definitely doesn't want to know if I sleep with anyone else. Ironically, she said she'd be able to tell. So much for her psychic properties.

I don't know, it just seems like a really fucked up situation. The more I try and look at it from an outside perspective, the more fucked up it seems. I asked kc if she would ever date someone who wouldn't want her to hang out with me and she said no. Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road she will wake up and realize what she is missing out on. I did tell her that sometimes I want to shake her and throw her against a wall and try and put some sense into her. She said she kind of likes how things are right now with us because she thinks that I'm being more honest and communicating better with her in this situation than when we were dating.

I told her I don't know how much longer I can do this. It is hard sleeping with her and snuggling with her, and yet I love it so much. And I did tell her that it really sucks because she is getting everything that she wants out of this situation and I'm not. She gets her cake and she gets to eat it and I get left with an almost pre-menstrual chocolate craving. I almost feel as if stopping snuggling with her would maybe make a point, or it will drive her into someone else's arms. I guess it doesn't really matter since at some point she'll end up there anyway.

Fuck my head is screwed. At least I got an invitation from a friend to hit up a bar on Friday night and see this band play. I told h that I'd go to her birthday party on Friday night, but since it's at kc's house and I have no idea who is invited or who will show up, I'm going to go watch this band play and then maybe stop over later. So yes, at least I'm accepting invitations to go other places and with other people. I am taking some steps in the right direction.

Torn Up

I'm still doing it. I'm still torturing myself and I know I'm doing it and I still can't help but do it. I mean, I've accepted it, I know that she doesn't want to have sex with me, and yet every morning that I wake up next to her I want her. I want to rip all her fucking clothes off and make her squeal with delight. I want to throw her up against a wall and shake her and make her realize what she is missing out on.

Maybe that's my problem. I keep letting myself wake up next to her. But I love snuggling with her and feeling her next to me. But I deserve to wake up next to someone who wants to have a little roll in the hay when they wake up next to me, or one before they fall asleep next to me. I deserve to have someone love me like I love them. And I know that keeping myself in this situation is making me emotionally unavailable to anyone else who may be able to make me happy.

Why am I still holding a torch for kc? I know she isn't holding one for me, although at least this morning she did say she was sad about the situation and that it was fucked up. But until she can work through her commitment issues it's never going to work. And it's not like I wanted all that much of a commitment, I just wanted to be able to say she was my girlfriend without having to preface it with "it's really complicated, but basically she's my girlfriend". Or "well, we're not seeing other people so I guess she's my girlfriend". I just wanted her to be able to say it without having to go, well, it's hard to explain, or, it's just easier to say it that way even though I don't really mean it.

I mean really, would it have been so hard for her? We had been seeing each other, dating if you will, for almost a year. Other couples I know have already dropped L bombs after 3 months, so would it have been so hard for her to say, confidently, that I was her girlfriend, after almost a year? It's not as if I was asking to move in, or even dropped an L bomb myself, I just wanted her to be my girlfriend.

I'm done torturing myself and thinking that I was the only one who played a part in the demise of our relationship. Yes, I withdrew, and yes, I had some issues that were present when we met, but she knew those things and still chose to be there. She chose to be present and to make herself available to me, and she made me feel better, and she made me happy, but she was fucking crazy to think that I, let alone anyone, wouldn't want something more after almost a year of dating. In fact, most girls would have pressed for something more a lot sooner, and it's not as if I was pressing for much of anything except a little recognition as to what the situation really was.

So screw it. I know I shouldn't be snuggling with her, but I know I probably will. I also know that I will be getting my ass out there to meet other people when I can. I will accept invitations to parties and outings and I will hang out with the rugby girls and I will have fun outside of hanging out with kc.

I did a bad bad thing...

Umm...yeah. I broke my rule, oops. So Friday night a bunch of the rugby girls came down to pre-game it before First Friday. We were all getting our drink on, I made them all do a shot of the Irish moonshine I brought back with me. Then we head out to the bar, all intent on having a good time, getting our dance on. And somewhere, somehow, all of a sudden, I was making out with sm. I just really have no idea how it happened or got started, this is what I get for ordering drinks 2 at a time (the line for the bar was really long and I didn't feel like waiting).

So yeah, we get back here, we're all pretty drunk, and next thing I know I'm getting it on with sm. Now, my personal rule is no sleeping with or dating anyone on my team, especially the new 23-year-old rookie with the adorable accent. And now I have to reinforce that rule.

What the fuck? I mean, I don't regret what happened, it just can't ever happen again. And hell no I will not be telling this to kc. The girls kept asking me if I was going to tell her and I was like, um, no, it's not like she has any say in what I do, and it's not like I was thinking about her while I was doing it. It's not like we're still dating or sleeping together, we just snuggle every now and again.

Of course, to make matters worse, sm doesn't exactly know about kc, maybe she does, but when someone on the team mentioned kc around sm, she kind of got this weird look on her face about it. I mean, I don't have to explain my actions to anyone, let alone to someone who will only be another notch in the 1-nighter belt, but I really don't want to have to have the yes, it was only a 1-nighter conversation with her, I just want her to get that that is all it was. Yes, I will have that conversation with her if need be, but, come on, everyone knows about my personal rule about not sleeping with teammates.

So I've got myself in a little pickle. And then kc wanted me to come over and snuggle on Sunday night. I was a little intoxicated because after our rugby match we all sat around at the field and were just drinking and talking and having a good time. But, I was in funny intoxicated mode and just being myself. So I went over to kc's house and she gave me a backrub and we snuggled and it was nice. And then she was all affectionate and snuggly on Monday and I just don't get it. Even when we were "together" she was hardly ever that affectionate, just occasionally, but it was usually after we had spent the whole night before having gloriously hot sex and when we were doing really well together. But we didn't have any sex, not that I wasn't seriously turned on waking up Monday morning, but we didn't have sex.

Oh thank goodness when I got home there was a little brown box sitting on my porch. My old toy somehow melted, onto my other toy. So I had to get rid of both of them and order myself a new one. And order one I did! It has 9 different speeds and is ergonomically designed for, well, ya know. So my little blue goddess is going to become my new best friend, because hopefully with her help, I won't go doing silly things like I did on Friday night. I mean, yes, I really enjoy having sex with another person, but I can't do it with sm, and kc isn't putting out, and a random encounter just really isn't me, so my self-loving is just going to continue on.

I need a job. Yes, I'm enjoying this whole respite from the working world, but I think if I had a job to go to everyday then I wouldn't be at home replaying all of the weekends events in my head and wondering what the fuck I was thinking. Ok, that's a lie, I know what I was thinking, I'm going to break my rule and do the new rookie. But really, what the fuck was I thinking? Oh well, no dwelling. Just enjoy the getting laid part and enjoy my new toy.