To drunk dial or not...

That's what I'm thinking right now. Should I send her a text that I know will go unanswered and unfulfilled or should I just not bother because I think the latter and former will not happen? I mean, is it too much to ask for a girl to want to come to my place and fuck me all night long? Or at least until we're both satisfied?

Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I'm too charged (again, fuck, I'm always ready to go), maybe she's busy. Maybe she expects more of me that I can't give until I know that she is feeling the same emotional connection to me that I am to her. Yes, again with the excuses, GFY (go fuck yourself, for those of you who haven't been paying attention)!

Today was an interesting day. Last night I got a text saying that she (kc) really does like to snuggle with me a lot (with emphasis on the word REALLY), and I like to snuggle with her, and make out with her, and touch her. So I got a little riled up last night, partook in a bit of self love (because well, if I'm not going to get to touch her, I might as well touch myself, and if you can't get off touching yourself then you need to practice more), and went to sleep. Got up at before the ass crack of dawn to get to work early so I could make up for some lost time last week (left early to go to a Bjork concert at RR with kc), and the kicker was that I had a teambuilding activity that I forgot about. However, teambuilding with my group (cal, pl, and pbp) involves drinking some beers and this time we went to the arcade. So I got to leave work early, drink beers, play skeeball, and get paid for it!

So now I've had a couple beverages, working on another, and trying to decide if I want to send a text that I'm pretty sure will let me down or if I should just send it anyway. I mean, how much can I put myself out there without any return? Well, I can't say any return, just no return lately. Last month I put in a hard core booty call and she was here (within 1.5 hours and it's a 45 min drive), and it was a fucking great night!

I understand the busy part, but for the love of god, why can't she leave that crap at her house, unwrap herself around the need for the emotional/conversational connection and just fuck my brains out? Is that so much to ask? I mean, the projects at her house will still be there tomorrow, I get up early for work so she can go home early, so why is there conflict? Hell, if she showed up at my house at 3am (which she has) I'd just fuck her til I had to get up for work at 5am and we'd both be happy (if she'd let me touch her)!

This could be the beers talking...I do get a little bit of an extra charge when I've had a few (only a few though, after that the functional part gets a little ugly, unless the other person is in my same state of mind, and then it's time to rock and roll!).

Why can't I just turn my brain off and understand that she is busy (like me)? Why did my strong LIKE feelings have to start developing? Again, why did my emotions have to get involved? We don't want anything serious, have both talked about not wanting anything serious, and I really don't think that I could handle that kind of commitment (I look like a fucking deer in headlights when the word commitment is even brought up, hell I look like a deer in headlights when someone calls her my girlfriend) right now. Maybe I'm deluding myself...maybe I really do want that...but in my head I know that that isn't feasible right now, isn't possible right now. God damn my fucking brain and it's conflicting with my heart...why can't both of my parts be going in the same direction?

Well, I will most likely end up sending the text message and going to bed unfulfilled...at least I have toys. This is pathetic on my part, I mean, the ex rejected me over and over and over again, and it sucked (it's no good withholding sex as punishment for pissing you off if they don't even want sex, found out that can backfire on you). Maybe I got too used to it, maybe I'm too forgiving, especially since I told myself I wouldn't put up with that again. Maybe I'm too charged (but really, if I was straight, every guy I slept with would be loving the fact that I'm ready about as much as they are if not more). Maybe I should stop making excuses (GFY, I know my problem), maybe I should go fuck someone else and get it over with? Why do I like this girl so much that I can't put it into words for her, why can't I hold a conversation with her when I can do it with almost anyone else, why do I feel like a teenage boy still learning how to talk to girls in the first place?

cal is right, this is therapeutic for me. This is releasing the inner me that wants to come out, wants to show her that I can have deep conversations, wants to show her that I am what she wants. How the hell do I tell her that? She wants to know the conversations that we have at work, but how can I tell her when they are about her, about my inconsistent thoughts of her, about my head and heart going in different directions (especially since my heart is getting involved)?

Fuck my brain and its inconsistencies. Fuck my heart for wanting to go in a direction that my brain has told it not to. Here's the text: Hope your evening is going well, would like you to come over tonight if you're not busy (is the "if you're not too busy" part too weak sounding, maybe just the if part?), kisses. Maybe it works, it probably won't, but maybe I'll get a response in the positive direction. I won't hold my breath...that fucking sucks.

Post Note: Since the internet is spotty at my house I had to wait til now to give the update...she texted me first, was at a bar with her friends, and too drunk to drive to see me...maybe tonight.