IBS and other disorders

So, most people may not know this about me, but I have stomach problems...well, not so much stomach problems, but where the food goes when it leaves your stomach problems (I have IBS and a spastic colon and probably a few others they couldn't identify). For the most part it is under control, I just eat a fairly boring diet and try not to get stressed out. I have had these problems since I was pretty young, as far as doctors can tell they developed because I had too much stress as a kid, which is what you get growing up in an abusive house when you internalize everything because you can't talk to anyone about it.

Anyway, for the last few days things in that department have been not so good, in fact, not good at all. It started with dinner that s made the other night, it made me incredibly ill. So far I have been able to keep my problems away from my relationship with kc, however, since I have been spending a fairly large bit of time with her lately, that is not the case. Most of the time I can get lucky and just wait until I get to work (I know, it's unhealthy, but fuck off, it's my problem) or whenever she leaves for class. However, for the last 2 nights that I have spent at her house, it has not been the case. For some reason, the dinner that s made worked its way through me with lightning speed, and again the following night with the dinner that h made.

I usually keep some medicine with me to take care of it, stop my stomach from bubbling and things from getting out of control, however I ran out, and that fucking sucked really bad. My problem is that the other night when I was looking for my drugs she asked what I was looking for. I just told her the medicine for my stomach because it was really upset, but I didn't have any, and she asked if I wanted her to go get it for me. I told her no. I don't really want to have her too involved in this problem, and she usually lets it go when I tell her that it's just my stomach.

Am I crazy for not wanting her to know about this part of me? I wish that when they built houses they would just make the bathroom soundproof for everyone's benefit. I know that she wouldn't care, she knows that I have stomach problems and that they stem from being fucked up as a kid, but it's just horribly embarassing for me. I mean, I really like this girl. With all my other girlfriends I never cared, it never really bothered me, it was just a fact of my life, but for some reason, with this girl...I don't know.

It's all about preserving the image. When people get too comfortable with each other they reach this zone where they don't care about trying to preserve some sense of modesty and just let go. I don't want to let go. Letting go I think is what makes relationships fail. I mean, sure, for most women letting their significant other see them without make-up for the first time is enough of a feeling of letting go. And then all you start wearing is sweat pants and oversized clothes, not bothering to pull out that sexy lingerie you bought when you first met. I guess I just don't want to ruin her image of me. I want her to see me as me, but I don't want her to see that part of me. Yes, I know, it's natural, everyone does it, but when yours is broken, it's a whole other thing. I want to always feel like I am trying to make it work so that if it doesn't work then I can say that I did everything I could do and it just wasn't meant to be.

I don't want to fall into that burping and farting on the couch trap, that I'm so comfortable with you I don't care what I look like trap. I like caring what I look like, I like pulling out the sexy lingerie, I like wearing that cute skirt that hugs my ass just so, and when you let go of those things you lose some of the sexiness about you. I want to remain sexy in her eyes for as long as I possibly can. I know that things change and you should get more comfortable the longer you are in a relationship, but I don't want to. I mean, yes I have become more comfortable with her, but that is in the area of talking to her and letting her see me, letting her see me be silly and goofy, and sad, and happy, and crying, and sick...but not that part.

Why do I have to have a fucked up system? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? I think that it is some sort of cosmic intervention though that the girl with the broken system met a girl who always has a stuffed up nose. Sometimes I wish that she could smell so she could smell my perfume and such (although sometimes she can), and sometimes I think it was fate that had me meet a girl who can't smell. Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I think that if I'm in the market for a new girl that is one thing I will be looking for. Let's hope I'm in no need to be looking anytime soon, but if I ever I am, that will be a prerequisite for dating me.