Emotional Awareness

When the ex and I split up (which was almost a year ago) my stepmom sent me 2 books, both of them about emotional healing. When she first sent them to me I thought they were some kind of crazy self-help book that I didn't really need to read, so I just blew them off.

Then when I was unpacking my stuff in my new place, I found the books. And I actually started to read one of them. And it made sense. Didn't think that would fucking happen, but hey, it did. The book I'm reading is about emotional awareness. I'm about halfway through it right now and some of the things it's saying are cutting directly to me.

Basically, I need to become more aware of the emotions I am feeling (which is one of the reasons I started writing this fantasticness) so that when they happen I can be more aware of what I'm feeling and if it's bad, what it's going to take to make things better. It also says that I shouldn't be afraid of what I'm feeling, that just because it might not be the same as what someone else is feeling, or if it's felt/interpreted in a different way, that's okay, it's natural, no one is going to feel the exact same way as I do, ever. My emotions are like my fingerprints, unique to me in how they are felt and expressed.

So now I am trying to become more aware of what I'm feeling, as I'm experiencing it. It's a lot easier said than done that's for sure.

Right now I'm trying not to stress about the holidays, finding a job that pays enough for me to stay in my place and go to school, getting into school. This is my first "single" holiday season, in about 5 years. The ex and I split up last January (though it should have been earlier), and so although last Christmas we were still together and it was not satisfying, we were still together. I stopped surprising the ex with naughty lingerie after the first year when she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. This year, there is a little number hanging in my closet, and if I have to wear it for myself and no one else then so be it, I will. Hopefully kc will be out of her funk, she did invite me over to dinner at her friends house so we'll see.

I'm fully prepared to spend the days by myself though. It's almost as if I've been prepping myself since the early summer when I started packing up stuff and moving and now that I have my place by myself. It's not as if I have to steele myself against the revelation that I am single, I guess it's still just the first season shocks, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do now, not what we want to do. Especially since kc is so flaky, although dinner at p's house will be nice, but I mean, who knows how long she'll be around, and I just need to get some new traditions for myself going. I've got a couple nice bottles of wine, I'll get some champagne, roast a chicken in the oven, get good and drunk and have dinner by myself if it comes down to that. Otherwise, if kc isn't being flaky, then I can do that Christmas Eve, hell maybe she'll even join me, and then visit on Christmas.

New Year's is a whole other day. No idea what's happening that day, although, most likely it'll involve me drinking heavily. Other than that, I don't really expect kc to make plans in advance since she's not that great at it anyway. Maybe the rugby girls will have something going on. I just know I don't have to work, so I'll be drinking. It's not like I'm trying to numb myself through the holidays, well, maybe a little, it's just hard. This whole year has been interesting, fucking crazy, relaxing, stressful, eye opening, so many different things. And none of it anything that I could have predicted. Even if someone had said that the ex and I were going to split up, I never would have thought that this past year was what my life would look like. Except now the year is almost over and it is my life and all of the experiences in it are mine.

It's almost too surreal to believe that it's true. Sometimes I look around me and wonder how I got here. And then I realize that I never really had a plan for my life. I still don't know what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life, or even for right now. Who knows what will happen with kc and me, I'll just enjoy the time we spend together and not think too far ahead on that one. I hope that I get into school, that will at least give me some direction for the next few years, and a better chance at finding the job that was meant for me. I still really love where I'm living, and I still have a lot of exploring to do. I like knowing that I'm going home to my home, my place, my quiet little corner of the world, that is mine to do with as I please.

But, I guess, how did I get here and where am I going are two of the most common questions that people ask themselves. I guess I know how I got here, I followed out the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things were going great, or at least I deluded myself into thinking that, and then things were over. Now I'm sitting here at 5am, 3 hours left of work to go, bitching about my life and wondering where it's going to next.

Well, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Friday night, who knows, maybe kc will come over for dinner, maybe not. Saturday, share a gift volunteer thing, then party at my house (well, hopefully more than 1 person shows up, that would actually make it a party). Sunday, maybe I'll have TV by then, if not, have to find a bar to watch the football game at. Monday, work on unpacking my house some more. That's about as far ahead as I can go. If I go too much further I start sweating and freaking out. Guess these are emotions I should be paying attention to. I'm just staying in the present and trying to make the most of it.