Putting it all out there

So, this weekend was an interesting one. Went to happy hour with the rugby girls on Thursday night and decided that since I hadn't heard from kc about dinner on Friday yet, that, fuck it, I'm going snowboarding. Knew I wasn't going to get any sleep, but I didn't have to drive so that was okay. I think she sent me a text early in the evening, but I assumed (correctly) that she ended up going to h's show in town and getting severely intoxicated.

So I went snowboarding on Friday, met up with the girls at the auto shop (at least it didn't cost as much as I thought it would) where I left my car all day, rode up to the mountain, and had a pretty good time. The snow was pretty scraped off and we hit a couple bumpy runs (moguls suck on a snowboard!) so we ended up hanging out in the bar and having some drinks. Now, I can hold my own in the drinking department, however, after no sleep, being awake for more than 24 hours, and having 3 really strong beers, I was pretty toasted (again, at least I wasn't driving).

kc called me (yeah, this is how little I get phone calls, I heard a phone ringing, and had no idea it was mine) while we were driving back and asked if I wanted to go babysit with her. She said she got drunk last night and that k had finally just brought her her phone back...oops. I told her I was on my way back from snowboarding, then she asked if I was drunk...I told her I definitely wasn't sober. So she said she might stop by later in the night when she gets done babysitting. But I passed out on my couch until around 1am and then went and crawled in my bed and woke up alone. She had sent me a text that she was going to crash at p's house for a little bit. I figured she would, that's what usually happens.

Saturday I did the volunteer thing with the rugby girls and we got out late of course. I had to bolt home and get ready for people to come over, at least I had gone grocery shopping and to the liquor store Friday when I got back from snowboarding. A handful of girls showed up and we hung out and drank and had a good time. kc said she might come over after she got done with whatever it was she was doing on Saturday night, but then she sent me a text in the morning saying she had passed out on her couch.

But Sunday morning my phone rang (again, didn't realize it was ringing, this is how little I talk on the phone) and she said she'd be over in a little while for breakfast. And then she called back to say that h had her truck and since I don't have TV did I want to go over there and watch football with her. I asked her if I could take a shower at her house, for some reason, the hot water in my shower is a bit temperamental and I took the coldest fucking shower ever on Saturday and that sucked. I think I was still a little drunk when I showed up there Sunday morning, but she made breakfast, I attempted to help and make waffles.

So Sunday was nice, we hung out and watched football and snuggled on the couch. I told her I'd tell her all my shit once I sobered up (because, well, I'm not so good at expressing myself, and it just comes out all wrong when I'm not sober). Didn't really do anything else, ended up passing out watching a movie. Woke up Monday morning, finally sober and not hungover, and told her all the shit that has been in my head lately.

I told her that I know I have issues expressing emotion, but that I need her to not freak out if I do get pissed. I told her that if she had any sort of negative reaction to something I said that I would instantly withdraw and shutdown. Neither one of us wants that to happen, she wants me to be open and honest, and I want to be able to. I told her that I realized that it was because I never actually learned how to do all this, that she was going to have to be patient and understanding, and basically put up with my shit.

Everyone reacts to anger, criticism, that sort of thing differently. Me, I become silent and withdraw. So I told her that one of the cues for her to know I'm pissed is that if I just stare at her with this what the fuck look on my face. She said she knows the look but didn't realize that that is what it was for. So, now she knows. She also said that she wanted to take things slowly with me, not rush right back into where we were before. I told her that was fine, but she is going to have to take the lead on certain things then, because rejection sucks.

We had a pretty good day yesterday. We ended up sleeping until about 3:15pm even though we had no intentions. It was okay though since I had to go to work, I like to sleep a lot on Mondays. We were going to go to the art museum but they weren't open so we went to the movies instead. And then she asked if I wanted to go to California with her since I am being forced to take almost all of next week off from work, and hang out with her family for Christmas. So that's a good thing. Still a little nervous about meeting her mom (I didn't get to meet her last time I was there), and I get to meet 2 of her brothers that I've never met before. But, it sounds like it will be a good time. We're going to go ride the rollercoasters, watch the sunset at the beach, enjoy some nice food, and see her family. And, I like who I've met so far of her family, they're really nice.

The whole holiday visit thing will be a little interesting, but she said she mostly wants to spend time with her mom, a little time with her brothers and sisters, and maybe just do dinner with her dad one night. And then the rest of the time who knows, I think she said she wants to take a drive through Joshua Tree and Mojave so that I can actually see them in the daylight. I'll have to make sure my camera batteries are charged and the memory card clear because I like to take pictures.

So, I guess, honesty is the best policy. kc said she'd probably be incredibly surprised the first time I actually do tell her I was upset, but that she'd be really happy and most likely forget about what it was that set me off in the first place. And her roommates will be gone until right before they leave for Hawaii (slowly getting over this one, though don't really want to hear about it), so she has the house to herself for the next few weeks. So hopefully she can actually get stuff accomplished around her house, and then hang out with me on the weekend. Since I can't bring my Christmas bottle of wine on the airplane I think we may just end up drinking that for New Years.

I just don't think that I could handle a crowded bar full of people. I'd rather just walk to my fridge and get another beer if I want one. Maybe if someone is having a house party I'll go, but I just don't feel like going to a bar. Someone has to drive, I hate driving, there's always tons of cops out, and it's so jam-packed that it takes longer to order a drink than it does to drink it so you're constantly in line for the bar. I'd rather be relaxed and comfortable in my house, not worrying about all the other idiot drivers out there, all the cops, it's just too much of a headache.

So one thing at a time, taking it day by day. I think that Miss Noncommital is wanting to go slow because she does want to be with me for a while, so what is the hurry? And we do have a great time when we're together, just relaxed and comfortable. And it's not like I'm in any hurry for something, I'm still trying to get myself together. This whole emotional awareness thing is a slow process, it's not like I can evolve overnight, and it's not like I really need a ton of distractions (although becoming more aware of the emotions that this girl evokes in me is quite helpful so I can tell her when she annoys me). At least I spent the weekend smiling and laughing and that's all I really wanted.