WTF?

Seriously, I don't get her at all. She is Polly from that movie Along Came Polly. Last week she's all back to herself and sending naughty texts and pics and that whole e-mail thing with the love at the end. Today, she cancels our date for Friday because she doesn't want to have a girlfriend or commitments or a relationship, but she still wants to date casually.

What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?

And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.

Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.

I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.

I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?

Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.

Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.