Small circle hell

Okay, maybe you aren't aware of this, but apparently every single fucking lesbian circle in this world has about 2 degrees of separation, instead of 6. Or maybe I'm on a roll right now because it's only 1:45am, I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee (I don't usually have my first cup til around 3am), I'm psyched to go snowboarding tomorrow, and I'm trying to not be the least bit concerned/annoyed about where kc is.

So, I'm strolling through that wonderful land called MySpace. Just checking out my friends pages, seeing who their friends are, found a couple friends I added, looking at pictures. When, who of all people should be friends with kc's ex...yeah, one of the BI girls. It's like small world hell for me. I can't escape this chick no matter where I go, it's like, everyone is friends with her. Not that she shouldn't have friends, but fuck, can't I have some part of my life that is kc or her ex free? Apparently not. Oh well, let's not read too much into that.

Although, I'm not sure I told kc exactly why I had to change relaxation ideas. It used to be that daydreaming of white, sandy beaches, lying in a hammock, listening to the ocean waves crash, with no one else around, would instantly calm me down and make me relax. And then kc and I were talking about how neither one of us had ever had a "romantic" vacation to the beach, and then she says, oh yeah, by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Hawaii in January with s & h and we're going to stay with my ex while we're there? Yup, way to ruin that fantasty.

I understand being friends with your ex, I do, I get it, sometimes they're good people that you just couldn't be in a relationship with. But, it almost feels as though she drops everything for this chick and does whatever she asks. I don't expect to be at the top of the priority list, she's made that abundantly clear, however, why can she drop everything for an ex and not me? So now, every time I think of white sandy beaches, I see the 4 of them huddled around a campfire on the beach and I want to vomit. Ok, that may be an exaggeration most days, but some days not.

New relaxation technique is to put on some slow jazz and picture myself sitting in a small, smoky little bar. There are small tables with candles on them, the air is hazy, and the smoothest jazz is being played. The singer has a deep, sultry voice that just burns into your soul. There is a martini in front of me. The bar is dark so you can't tell if there is anyone else in it. Let's just hope that this one doesn't get ruined.

I think the only reason I'm thinking about it and getting annoyed is, well, I shouldn't be annoyed. I should have zero expectations from this girl. It's just weird because we have a good time when we're together, I've given her her "space" all week, barely talked to her. Invited her over for dinner on either Friday or Sunday hoping she'd get the picture that I was busy Saturday night and haven't heard back from her. So, I made plans to go snowboarding tomorrow. If in fact she does actually want to have dinner with me, then she'll just have to wait until I get home. Plus I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store for the party Saturday night.

Yup, sure am having a party at my new place. Haven't told kc about it, though it wouldn't matter if I did. Figured I'd send her a message Saturday night saying there was a party at my house if she wanted to come over, although if we have dinner Friday night then maybe I'll tell her then. Doubt she will since the rugby girls will be there, but you never know. Sometimes she hangs out with them, sometimes not.

I think that really, I'm just in this mood with her because I'm just itching to get all this shit that's been building up out of my system. And then we'll see where things are at. I just feel like I'm hanging in the balance wondering what is going to happen and I just need to know because I don't like hanging. I don't want to keep putting it off, maybe that's why I've been sick all week. My body is punishing me for yet again, eating my emotions and not saying what needs to be said. Damn this book I'm reading for making me aware of all this. And of course the chapters I read this morning were on detachment, love, and intimacy. Oh well, if I come out of it a better person then that's all that matters.

When I was back east visiting my family my aunt did a rune reading for me. It basically said that I would go through turmoil, an upheavel of sorts (I either correctly or incorrectly take this to mean my break-up with the ex), I would hit a rough patch, go through a period of growth and learning, that in the end would result in a partnership. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I like kc, a lot, but what if she is the turmoil and upheavel and not the ex, and the next person I meet is the partnership I'm supposed to have? Or what if she is the partnership? WTF? I need a psychic to help me out here.

I don't get it, other than her apparent inability to commit to anything, she is great. We have fun, we discuss all kinds of things, we both like a lot of the same activities, we like to have our separate lives, don't want to live with another person but still be with them, enjoy our space (and yes, I enjoy my space, apparently when I desire to hang out is not coinciding with hers). Ack, why did I fall for Polly? That movie really does describe her spot on, maybe I should buy it and make her watch it with me. It's not like I'm looking to settle down right now, the very thought of it freaks me out a little, but I'd really like for her to not be so fucking flaky about things.

And what if I do get to the point where I want something serious? I'm sure she won't be there. Damn, okay, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Maybe we can just have dinner sometime this weekend. That would be nice. That's about as far ahead as I can go. That's about as far ahead as I want to go since if I think about it any further I just start going on rants like this.