Slow...progress?

I don't know if it's progress or not, I still haven't been able to get out what I need to say. Though, I have spent most of the time sleeping. kc wanted to have dinner Monday night, actually initiated something so that was nice. She came over and we fell asleep watching a movie, woke up, I made dinner, and we started rewatching the movie while we were eating. I'm not sure if awkward is the right word, it wasn't quite that bad, it just felt a little off when she first got there. But then we snuggled and took a nap and that was nice.

Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.

So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.

Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.

I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.

I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.

Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.