fucked up

Well, the shit hit the fan with kc. I spent Sunday laying on my couch recovering from my rugby game and texting my cute new little rookie, we'll just call her rc; and texting kc. I was certainly doing a little word play flirting with rc just to kind of feel out the situation because I wasn't really sure about what was going on since our ridiculous make-out session Saturday night. We made plans to have lunch on Tuesday and then carpool to rugby practice together.

Except, we drank a bottle of wine at lunch and then just kept drinking and bailed on going to rugby practice. But, kc called me while we were eating lunch and I answered the phone as usual, except she thinks I was talking to her like I talk to al on the phone. rc and I played some strip pool (which I kept losing) and were having a great time making out and flirting and being playful. Then her roommate came home and we all hung out and it was fun.

And then we ended up having sex later in the evening. It was fun and a good time and I would like for it to happen again. Except that kc had called me around midnight to ask me to call her in the morning to wake her up for class and I didn't get the message until this morning. So I stopped by her house this afternoon to give her her phone charger back and the Guinness glass I had got for her in Ireland and just hang out and talk.

So I was hanging out at her house and she got home from class. She was a little distant and then got upset at me for how I had answered the phone yesterday. Then she seemed to get over it and we were talking and I went with her to the library to get some movie she had to watch for her class. We get back from the library and all of a sudden she starts grilling me about what I was doing yesterday and about rc. Then she asks me if I like her in a sexual way and I'm not going to lie so I said yes. Then she asked if I fucked her last night, and, I'm not going to lie, so I said yes. To which she started yelling at me to get out of her house.

Then she texts me that she fucked t on Monday night and that she didn't want to talk to me. I'm just stunned. Not more than an hour before we were having a conversation about how she doesn't want to lose the special relationship that we have. What the fuck? Suddenly it's all different because I slept with someone else, but it doesn't matter that she did too?

She was all, I bet you fucked her Saturday night too after your rugby game. I told her I didn't. She was just all angry and mad at me and all this after she said she didn't want things to be different with us. I mean, I told her a long time ago that if she fucked someone else I would not be okay with snuggling with her. So it really doesn't matter that I had sex with rc, because she had already fucked t, and the outcome would have been the same if I had never slept with rc.

I mean, I just don't fucking get her. All this because she thinks I answered the phone and talked to her like she was just any regular person and not kc. Seriously, did she want me to wait around forever for her to redevelop the desire to fuck me? If she could have just fucked me in the first place we wouldn't be having this problem. If she could have just told me how she felt about me so that I wouldn't be so fucking scared of how I felt about her or to tell her how I felt about her, we wouldn't be having this problem.

So now she's all angry, said some very hurtful things to me on the phone, and I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know, I know, I shouldn't feel this hurt considering all of the pain that she has caused me, but it doesn't change the fact that I love her and still want to have her in my life. She is always going to have a place in my heart but right now it just feels like a giant void.

And I really have no idea what is going on with rc. I laugh so much when I hang out with her. I have a ton of fun being all flirty and fun with her. She is a great kisser and fucking adorable. And we seem to have a lot in common. It's just a good time and I like being happy and I wish this whole kc thing would blow over and she would be normal. I think that really the best thing for me to do is just enjoy having a good time and not think too much about things.

I have to go out of town for a rugby tournament this weekend and rc isn't going so that will be good. I think my big hangups are that she just got out of a 4 year relationship not that long ago and she's on my team. I think though that if we keep having this much fun together and just being relaxed that I could make an exception to my rule about not dating anyone on my team.

I don't know. Yesterday was such a good day. My job interview went well, I had fun flirting with rc and everything else I did with her. The job called me today while I was at the library and wanted me to send them my resume and references and asked when I'd be available to start if I were hired. I hope that's a good sign that they want to hire me. And now my head is all fucked up over this kc thing. I really just want her to get over it. It's not like I could wait around forever for her. And things change, that's life, but I don't see why she wants to cut me out of hers completely.

I mean, the only thing that I could think of is maybe she had some sort of epiphany while she was fucking t. I doubt it, I mean, for all the talking we've done things hadn't changed, so why would I think that that would happen. Or maybe it's just that suddenly she's jealous that she wouldn't be the center of my attention. Or maybe she's sad because she thinks that I won't want to spend any time with her. Who fucking knows, I know I certainly don't.

I just never thought it would play out this way. I always thought it would be her telling me she fucked someone else, which, essentially she did first anyway. And then it'd be me crying and saying that I couldn't snuggle with her. I'm sure that's how she saw it playing out too. Except, probably, in her mind I'd still want to snuggle with her, I'd just want to hear that it was a 1 time thing. And then my head would still be fucked up but at least she'd still be talking to me.

I don't fucking have any idea what to do. I guess there really isn't anything I can do except wait and see if she'll ever get over it. She already told me she was going to fuck t tonight, pretty sure she said that just to hurt me, although the way she's feeling she'd probably do it just to follow through with what she said she'd do. Who knows. From what she told me about t before, she's not someone that kc would ever want to be in a relationship with. Guess I shouldn't really think about it because it's just going to make me sick.