When the ex and I split up (which was almost a year ago) my stepmom sent me 2 books, both of them about emotional healing. When she first sent them to me I thought they were some kind of crazy self-help book that I didn't really need to read, so I just blew them off.
Then when I was unpacking my stuff in my new place, I found the books. And I actually started to read one of them. And it made sense. Didn't think that would fucking happen, but hey, it did. The book I'm reading is about emotional awareness. I'm about halfway through it right now and some of the things it's saying are cutting directly to me.
Basically, I need to become more aware of the emotions I am feeling (which is one of the reasons I started writing this fantasticness) so that when they happen I can be more aware of what I'm feeling and if it's bad, what it's going to take to make things better. It also says that I shouldn't be afraid of what I'm feeling, that just because it might not be the same as what someone else is feeling, or if it's felt/interpreted in a different way, that's okay, it's natural, no one is going to feel the exact same way as I do, ever. My emotions are like my fingerprints, unique to me in how they are felt and expressed.
So now I am trying to become more aware of what I'm feeling, as I'm experiencing it. It's a lot easier said than done that's for sure.
Right now I'm trying not to stress about the holidays, finding a job that pays enough for me to stay in my place and go to school, getting into school. This is my first "single" holiday season, in about 5 years. The ex and I split up last January (though it should have been earlier), and so although last Christmas we were still together and it was not satisfying, we were still together. I stopped surprising the ex with naughty lingerie after the first year when she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. This year, there is a little number hanging in my closet, and if I have to wear it for myself and no one else then so be it, I will. Hopefully kc will be out of her funk, she did invite me over to dinner at her friends house so we'll see.
I'm fully prepared to spend the days by myself though. It's almost as if I've been prepping myself since the early summer when I started packing up stuff and moving and now that I have my place by myself. It's not as if I have to steele myself against the revelation that I am single, I guess it's still just the first season shocks, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do now, not what we want to do. Especially since kc is so flaky, although dinner at p's house will be nice, but I mean, who knows how long she'll be around, and I just need to get some new traditions for myself going. I've got a couple nice bottles of wine, I'll get some champagne, roast a chicken in the oven, get good and drunk and have dinner by myself if it comes down to that. Otherwise, if kc isn't being flaky, then I can do that Christmas Eve, hell maybe she'll even join me, and then visit on Christmas.
New Year's is a whole other day. No idea what's happening that day, although, most likely it'll involve me drinking heavily. Other than that, I don't really expect kc to make plans in advance since she's not that great at it anyway. Maybe the rugby girls will have something going on. I just know I don't have to work, so I'll be drinking. It's not like I'm trying to numb myself through the holidays, well, maybe a little, it's just hard. This whole year has been interesting, fucking crazy, relaxing, stressful, eye opening, so many different things. And none of it anything that I could have predicted. Even if someone had said that the ex and I were going to split up, I never would have thought that this past year was what my life would look like. Except now the year is almost over and it is my life and all of the experiences in it are mine.
It's almost too surreal to believe that it's true. Sometimes I look around me and wonder how I got here. And then I realize that I never really had a plan for my life. I still don't know what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life, or even for right now. Who knows what will happen with kc and me, I'll just enjoy the time we spend together and not think too far ahead on that one. I hope that I get into school, that will at least give me some direction for the next few years, and a better chance at finding the job that was meant for me. I still really love where I'm living, and I still have a lot of exploring to do. I like knowing that I'm going home to my home, my place, my quiet little corner of the world, that is mine to do with as I please.
But, I guess, how did I get here and where am I going are two of the most common questions that people ask themselves. I guess I know how I got here, I followed out the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things were going great, or at least I deluded myself into thinking that, and then things were over. Now I'm sitting here at 5am, 3 hours left of work to go, bitching about my life and wondering where it's going to next.
Well, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Friday night, who knows, maybe kc will come over for dinner, maybe not. Saturday, share a gift volunteer thing, then party at my house (well, hopefully more than 1 person shows up, that would actually make it a party). Sunday, maybe I'll have TV by then, if not, have to find a bar to watch the football game at. Monday, work on unpacking my house some more. That's about as far ahead as I can go. If I go too much further I start sweating and freaking out. Guess these are emotions I should be paying attention to. I'm just staying in the present and trying to make the most of it.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Slow...progress?
I don't know if it's progress or not, I still haven't been able to get out what I need to say. Though, I have spent most of the time sleeping. kc wanted to have dinner Monday night, actually initiated something so that was nice. She came over and we fell asleep watching a movie, woke up, I made dinner, and we started rewatching the movie while we were eating. I'm not sure if awkward is the right word, it wasn't quite that bad, it just felt a little off when she first got there. But then we snuggled and took a nap and that was nice.
Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.
So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.
Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.
I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.
I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.
Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.
Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.
So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.
Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.
I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.
I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.
Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
WTF?
Seriously, I don't get her at all. She is Polly from that movie Along Came Polly. Last week she's all back to herself and sending naughty texts and pics and that whole e-mail thing with the love at the end. Today, she cancels our date for Friday because she doesn't want to have a girlfriend or commitments or a relationship, but she still wants to date casually.
What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?
And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.
Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.
I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.
I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?
Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.
Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.
What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?
And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.
Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.
I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.
I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?
Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.
Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Huh?
Did I read that right? Are my eyes just swimming on the page because I'm tired? Nope, sure aren't. Yeah, okay, I know I should be happy about this because well, it is what I wanted, what I want, but why is it scary as well? Wondering what I'm talking about? Sorry, I've been all over the place about it since I saw it.
I sent kc an e-mail yesterday asking her if she wanted to go on a date next week when I got back from my trip. I hadn't really expected a response, she's not the best at responding to questions and e-mails. Anyway, she responded, and then closed out the e-mail with a love, k. So yeah, it definitely caught me off guard.
For all my hemming and hawing and indecisiveness about should I say anything, and then that drunken incident, and then I haven't really said anything about it since then...she signs off an e-mail with love? Maybe she's just testing the waters. Maybe she's been impatient because I haven't said or even come close to saying those 3 little words since the drunk night at rugby prom...and that was a couple weeks ago. Maybe she thought that I only said it because I was drunk and was wondering if I would say it again sober to her.
Well, sorry, I just hadn't been feeling it with your we spent too much time together text and it's not that she wasn't affectionate all weekend, it's just she didn't respond to any of my overtures. Now, not feeling completely sure of myself, why in the hell would I say "it"? Exactly, didn't think so.
But now...now she goes and puts it out there. Maybe she is waiting for me to say it. And to throw some more shit out there, she's in Vegas this weekend visiting a friend and suddenly she's horny? She wants dirty texts and pics? Well, hopefully this means she'll want to jump me when I get home, considering her message said that she hoped our date would end with us in bed, not me having to go to work. Uh yeah, if you can wait that long! I mean, I'm certainly not going to tell her no if she wants to come over some evening before I have to go to work, otherwise she's just going to have to wait until next Friday when we go on our date.
But back to my dilemma, well, not dilemma, situation I guess. It's not like it's a bad thing, and I don't even think shocking is the right word, maybe surprising. I don't know how the switch got flipped inside of her. She goes from telling me she could see herself there to there already? I mean, she knows I'm there, well, she has to from my hysterical episode the other weekend. But, for all I can remember, I posed it as a question (what if I said...), not a statement.
Okay, I can't get all deep thinking and involved in this. She put it out there, and if I'm feeling it, I'll just tell her. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I'll probably tell her, yes, only if I'm feeling it, but come on, it's right there just waiting to be brought to the surface. I'm sure it's incredibly obvious to her and she's wondering why the fuck I haven't said anything to her since the debacle.
I sent kc an e-mail yesterday asking her if she wanted to go on a date next week when I got back from my trip. I hadn't really expected a response, she's not the best at responding to questions and e-mails. Anyway, she responded, and then closed out the e-mail with a love, k. So yeah, it definitely caught me off guard.
For all my hemming and hawing and indecisiveness about should I say anything, and then that drunken incident, and then I haven't really said anything about it since then...she signs off an e-mail with love? Maybe she's just testing the waters. Maybe she's been impatient because I haven't said or even come close to saying those 3 little words since the drunk night at rugby prom...and that was a couple weeks ago. Maybe she thought that I only said it because I was drunk and was wondering if I would say it again sober to her.
Well, sorry, I just hadn't been feeling it with your we spent too much time together text and it's not that she wasn't affectionate all weekend, it's just she didn't respond to any of my overtures. Now, not feeling completely sure of myself, why in the hell would I say "it"? Exactly, didn't think so.
But now...now she goes and puts it out there. Maybe she is waiting for me to say it. And to throw some more shit out there, she's in Vegas this weekend visiting a friend and suddenly she's horny? She wants dirty texts and pics? Well, hopefully this means she'll want to jump me when I get home, considering her message said that she hoped our date would end with us in bed, not me having to go to work. Uh yeah, if you can wait that long! I mean, I'm certainly not going to tell her no if she wants to come over some evening before I have to go to work, otherwise she's just going to have to wait until next Friday when we go on our date.
But back to my dilemma, well, not dilemma, situation I guess. It's not like it's a bad thing, and I don't even think shocking is the right word, maybe surprising. I don't know how the switch got flipped inside of her. She goes from telling me she could see herself there to there already? I mean, she knows I'm there, well, she has to from my hysterical episode the other weekend. But, for all I can remember, I posed it as a question (what if I said...), not a statement.
Okay, I can't get all deep thinking and involved in this. She put it out there, and if I'm feeling it, I'll just tell her. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I'll probably tell her, yes, only if I'm feeling it, but come on, it's right there just waiting to be brought to the surface. I'm sure it's incredibly obvious to her and she's wondering why the fuck I haven't said anything to her since the debacle.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Epiphany
I had one while I was running errands this morning. I realized that the reason I can't express emotion or feelings, happy or sad, is because I never really learned how. And what I saw growing up was that bad things happen when you express anything, belt comes out, someone makes fun of you. I remember being told to grow up because I was crying during a movie (Where the Red Fern Grows, that was fucking sad when the dog died). And that pretty much cemented in me that showing emotion led to bad things.
My mom expressed some emotion, actually took a stand, and it almost got her killed. Not exactly the best thing to have your kids see. From then on it's been a struggle and a strain for me to express anything. My sister can only express emotion when she's been drinking. At least I haven't gone down that road. Unfortunately I've gone down the silent and withdrawl road. Not a good one either, at least I can't get into too much trouble for it, it just becomes a problem in relationships.
I realized that I have avoided arguments and fighting with someone I am with because I am scared. I have slowly learned to express happiness, delight, thanks, although with kc I'm still a little hesitant with words of stronger emotion. As far as I can remember, I have never actually had a "real" fight with anyone I was with. I tend to eat my emotions, stuff them inside, make myself sick with it (hence why I have the digestive problems). If pushed I will hesitantly bring something up, and then I will severely downplay how I'm actually feeling in order to not cause a rift.
Maybe it's because deep down I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I do things alone to force myself to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be alone, nothing bad happens to me when I'm alone. But still, I enjoy companionship. I enjoy being in a loving relationship, but my insecurities and fears start coming out when things start getting serious. I delude myself into thinking that if we don't argue or fight then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That's fucked up.
Everyone fights and disagrees. I think the reason I'm scared to fight is because I'm afraid of the other persons reaction. At least when I argue with my sister or my dad, I know they can't stay mad forever, and they can't disappear out of my life forever, they're my family, they won't get violent with me. But what about the person I'm in a relationship with? They can disappear out of my life for as long as they want, thus leaving me alone, though at least I know kc would never get violent.
If no one disagreed then the world would be a boring place. It's finding that balance between disagreeing and harmful. Wars don't get started for no reason. It's because the balance between accepting that you don't agree and realizing that it's not the end of the world is needed for that to happen. I have at least slowly (albeit rather timidly) told kc about things I don't like. One afternoon she put on Conan the Barbarian, and then asked if I liked the movie (she said it was one of her childhood favorites), I said not really. When she made me breakfast that made me ill, I told her it was probably the soggy bacon, I don't like soggy bacon. She would tease me and call me a hillbilly because I'm from NH (although the fact that she grew up on a farm doesn't seem to factor into anything since she says since it was in CA it didn't matter). I told her that I really don't like it, she listened and stopped saying it. I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, she has never been mean on purpose, just teasing, but at least she stopped saying it.
Hopefully she will let me practice with her. I need a safe place to practice. If she does something that I don't like, I need to know that she isn't going to freak out, yell, throw things, punch walls, nothing. If she needs to walk away and come back later then fine. But I need to have the safety of knowing that she isn't going to disappear forever just because she pissed me off and I told her. Although, I actually think she would be slightly relieved, shocked at first, but slightly relieved, that I am finally comfortable enough with her to be able to express myself.
And I think that she would understand where I'm coming from. She knows about my history, what happened to me growing up (well, most of it, most of what I can remember), knows that I'm extremely fragile in that area. She knows that I have a tendency to become silent and withdraw. I can't keep eating those feelings though, I have to learn to express emotion, positive or negative, as I'm feeling it, and not spend so much time overanalyzing how I'm feeling for days after something happens.
I used to loathe self-reflection, because it would make me deal with things I didn't want to think about. But kc is all about making sure that you are whole and balanced, it appears to be rubbing off on me. Or it's because I realized that all of my relationships will fail unless I deal with it, and I would really like to spend some time with her, I don't want our relationship to fail for reasons that my others failed. If our relationship fails I want it to be because of something other than the demons inside me. I would like to exorcise those demons and have a happy heart, a truly happy heart. It would appear that she would like to spend a significant amount of time with me too since she hasn't bailed yet. And she has had countless opportunities to bail. But, maybe she sees in me the parts beyond the damaged ones, the parts that are healing and growing and taking over the damaged ones. Maybe I wasn't ready to show those parts to anyone until now because they were still small and fragile.
I suppose at least that it is progess in myself that I am now realizing these things. Implementing them is a whole other thing, but at least I think, when I tell kc, she'll at least be receptive to this, and possibly even happy to help me. And I'm confident that she will be okay with the guidelines, the no yelling, screaming, thowing things, sort of stuff.
My mom expressed some emotion, actually took a stand, and it almost got her killed. Not exactly the best thing to have your kids see. From then on it's been a struggle and a strain for me to express anything. My sister can only express emotion when she's been drinking. At least I haven't gone down that road. Unfortunately I've gone down the silent and withdrawl road. Not a good one either, at least I can't get into too much trouble for it, it just becomes a problem in relationships.
I realized that I have avoided arguments and fighting with someone I am with because I am scared. I have slowly learned to express happiness, delight, thanks, although with kc I'm still a little hesitant with words of stronger emotion. As far as I can remember, I have never actually had a "real" fight with anyone I was with. I tend to eat my emotions, stuff them inside, make myself sick with it (hence why I have the digestive problems). If pushed I will hesitantly bring something up, and then I will severely downplay how I'm actually feeling in order to not cause a rift.
Maybe it's because deep down I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I do things alone to force myself to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be alone, nothing bad happens to me when I'm alone. But still, I enjoy companionship. I enjoy being in a loving relationship, but my insecurities and fears start coming out when things start getting serious. I delude myself into thinking that if we don't argue or fight then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That's fucked up.
Everyone fights and disagrees. I think the reason I'm scared to fight is because I'm afraid of the other persons reaction. At least when I argue with my sister or my dad, I know they can't stay mad forever, and they can't disappear out of my life forever, they're my family, they won't get violent with me. But what about the person I'm in a relationship with? They can disappear out of my life for as long as they want, thus leaving me alone, though at least I know kc would never get violent.
If no one disagreed then the world would be a boring place. It's finding that balance between disagreeing and harmful. Wars don't get started for no reason. It's because the balance between accepting that you don't agree and realizing that it's not the end of the world is needed for that to happen. I have at least slowly (albeit rather timidly) told kc about things I don't like. One afternoon she put on Conan the Barbarian, and then asked if I liked the movie (she said it was one of her childhood favorites), I said not really. When she made me breakfast that made me ill, I told her it was probably the soggy bacon, I don't like soggy bacon. She would tease me and call me a hillbilly because I'm from NH (although the fact that she grew up on a farm doesn't seem to factor into anything since she says since it was in CA it didn't matter). I told her that I really don't like it, she listened and stopped saying it. I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, she has never been mean on purpose, just teasing, but at least she stopped saying it.
Hopefully she will let me practice with her. I need a safe place to practice. If she does something that I don't like, I need to know that she isn't going to freak out, yell, throw things, punch walls, nothing. If she needs to walk away and come back later then fine. But I need to have the safety of knowing that she isn't going to disappear forever just because she pissed me off and I told her. Although, I actually think she would be slightly relieved, shocked at first, but slightly relieved, that I am finally comfortable enough with her to be able to express myself.
And I think that she would understand where I'm coming from. She knows about my history, what happened to me growing up (well, most of it, most of what I can remember), knows that I'm extremely fragile in that area. She knows that I have a tendency to become silent and withdraw. I can't keep eating those feelings though, I have to learn to express emotion, positive or negative, as I'm feeling it, and not spend so much time overanalyzing how I'm feeling for days after something happens.
I used to loathe self-reflection, because it would make me deal with things I didn't want to think about. But kc is all about making sure that you are whole and balanced, it appears to be rubbing off on me. Or it's because I realized that all of my relationships will fail unless I deal with it, and I would really like to spend some time with her, I don't want our relationship to fail for reasons that my others failed. If our relationship fails I want it to be because of something other than the demons inside me. I would like to exorcise those demons and have a happy heart, a truly happy heart. It would appear that she would like to spend a significant amount of time with me too since she hasn't bailed yet. And she has had countless opportunities to bail. But, maybe she sees in me the parts beyond the damaged ones, the parts that are healing and growing and taking over the damaged ones. Maybe I wasn't ready to show those parts to anyone until now because they were still small and fragile.
I suppose at least that it is progess in myself that I am now realizing these things. Implementing them is a whole other thing, but at least I think, when I tell kc, she'll at least be receptive to this, and possibly even happy to help me. And I'm confident that she will be okay with the guidelines, the no yelling, screaming, thowing things, sort of stuff.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Neediness
I don't really think I am that needy, I mean, I don't think that I ask for that much, but maybe I do. Maybe I just don't talk to her enough about it. Maybe I just don't tell her what I want and need and that is why I feel such a need for something. I can't put my finger on it.
I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.
I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.
But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.
At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?
I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.
No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.
Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.
I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.
I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.
But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.
At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?
I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.
No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.
Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Butterflies...
I have come to realize that those 3 little words don't actually need to come out of my mouth, kc already knows it. I'm not really sure what I said that night after rugby prom that made her get back to who she was with me, but whatever it was, it worked.
She has been all snuggly and affectionate and attentive when we spend time together. Which is a nice change from her almost ignoring me and then not being her usual self when she is with me. We went for a hike on Sunday, that was a good time, good talking. Then Sunday night she helped me pack up stuff in my room and load it into her truck and my car and then I went and slept at her house on Sunday night. Monday I closed on my condo (so fucking happy!) and she helped me move in and make another ride up to my storage unit to get stuff. She didn't bitch at all about getting stuck in rush hour traffic, only a little bit that she was hungry (she gets cranky when she gets hungry like I get cranky when I get tired, guess it's fair). I made her delicious dinner after I went to the grocery store and then we went to bed early. We were both pretty wiped. I definitely could have had some seriously sleepy sex, but we both passed out before that could happen.
Then today we woke up, I made some waffles and stuff for breakfast and we hung out for a bit. But I had to get unpacking and she had stuff she had to do. And then my toilet got clogged, so sad, my first full day in my place and something breaks already. Had to go to Home Depot and buy a plunger, and then I couldn't get it to work, apparently I don't have the right technique. So kc came over and fixed it for me and then we watched a movie, well, started to watch a movie, and then she wanted to have sex!! Yes, finally, back into the swing of things.
I love having sex with that girl. So much so in fact that I almost blurted out those 3 little words. But that's when I realized that it doesn't matter, she knows that I love her, whether or not I actually say it out loud. Watching the movie, having sex, and then cooking dinner of course made me a little late for work. No nap either so I'm tired as all hell, hopefully this means I'll sleep good today. It's snowing out, so the sun won't be shining in on me. I get to stop and get stuff from my storage unit in the morning, buy some soap, and get a new phone (mine broke on me this weekend, not exactly sure how since it was fine one minute and then the top was coming off the next) so hopefully I'll miss traffic on my ride home. My commute just went from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, but I love my new place so it's definitely worth it.
I'm so happy that things are going well. It's such a nice feeling, and I'm going to maintain it. I just need to stay relaxed and enjoy life and what is happening at this moment.
She has been all snuggly and affectionate and attentive when we spend time together. Which is a nice change from her almost ignoring me and then not being her usual self when she is with me. We went for a hike on Sunday, that was a good time, good talking. Then Sunday night she helped me pack up stuff in my room and load it into her truck and my car and then I went and slept at her house on Sunday night. Monday I closed on my condo (so fucking happy!) and she helped me move in and make another ride up to my storage unit to get stuff. She didn't bitch at all about getting stuck in rush hour traffic, only a little bit that she was hungry (she gets cranky when she gets hungry like I get cranky when I get tired, guess it's fair). I made her delicious dinner after I went to the grocery store and then we went to bed early. We were both pretty wiped. I definitely could have had some seriously sleepy sex, but we both passed out before that could happen.
Then today we woke up, I made some waffles and stuff for breakfast and we hung out for a bit. But I had to get unpacking and she had stuff she had to do. And then my toilet got clogged, so sad, my first full day in my place and something breaks already. Had to go to Home Depot and buy a plunger, and then I couldn't get it to work, apparently I don't have the right technique. So kc came over and fixed it for me and then we watched a movie, well, started to watch a movie, and then she wanted to have sex!! Yes, finally, back into the swing of things.
I love having sex with that girl. So much so in fact that I almost blurted out those 3 little words. But that's when I realized that it doesn't matter, she knows that I love her, whether or not I actually say it out loud. Watching the movie, having sex, and then cooking dinner of course made me a little late for work. No nap either so I'm tired as all hell, hopefully this means I'll sleep good today. It's snowing out, so the sun won't be shining in on me. I get to stop and get stuff from my storage unit in the morning, buy some soap, and get a new phone (mine broke on me this weekend, not exactly sure how since it was fine one minute and then the top was coming off the next) so hopefully I'll miss traffic on my ride home. My commute just went from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, but I love my new place so it's definitely worth it.
I'm so happy that things are going well. It's such a nice feeling, and I'm going to maintain it. I just need to stay relaxed and enjoy life and what is happening at this moment.
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