Neediness

I don't really think I am that needy, I mean, I don't think that I ask for that much, but maybe I do. Maybe I just don't talk to her enough about it. Maybe I just don't tell her what I want and need and that is why I feel such a need for something. I can't put my finger on it.

I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.

I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.

But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.

At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?

I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.

No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.

Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.