I'm an ass

I'm not sure when this girl will ever learn that I am an idiot. I almost never say the right thing and when I try I just fuck it up even more.

So kc had to have outpatient surgery on her sinuses this morning. Not a big deal, h dropped her off in the morning before the surgery and then I went to pick her up. Why, because I wanted to. I just got switched to the graveyard shift at work, so I get off work at 8am, so I figured I could go and pick her up, it would be nice, she wanted to see my face when she woke up from the anesthesia.

Thing is, I forogt, that these things never run on schedule. It was supposed to be over at 11:30am, and the doctor came out to talk to me a few minutes after that, said she'd be awake in about 30 minutes, and that I could see her after that.

So 30 minutes rolls by. I talk to the nurse to ask if I can go see kc yet, and she says that kc is still sleeping, it'll be another 30 minutes. So another 30 minutes goes by, and then another 30 after that. See where I'm going with this? Yeah, she doesn't wake up until 1:30pm. Needless to say I'm getting extremely tired since I got off a 10 hour shift at 8am and it's now 1:30 in the fucking afternoon.

I mean, yes, I did volunteer to pick her up, I wanted to, I guess I just thought that I'd be asleep by 1pm since she said it would be over by 11:30am. Tidbit about me, I'm a crier, it pretty much doesn't take much to make me cry, hell, I'll probably start crying again in a minute just thinking about it. And I knew that she was going to be tired, I just didn't realize that they would let her sleep it all off there.

So I'm starting to get grouchy, I mean, who wouldn't after being awake for that long. It's just that I was trying so hard to not be grumpy. I didn't want to be, and I could see it coming on, and it was like a fucking train, I just couldn't stop it. I was trying to be positive and helpful and cheery, but by the time we got back to kc's house I just wanted to curl up into a ball and fall asleep forever.

But I wanted to be able to take care of her, change the bandage on her nose, tuck her in so she could take a nap. Instead, she ended up making me a sandwich and closing the blinds and making her room all dark for me and letting me sleep all afternoon until I had to get up and go to work.

And so now I feel like a complete ass. I mean, I was supposed to be the one taking care of her, dropping off her prescription, making her some soup for lunch, and instead I'm a whiny grump who just wants to sleep. And now she thinks that it is a reflection of how I feel about her. And it's not. I would do anything for her, obviously since I volunteered to pick her up after a huge long shift when I could have just had h do it and not worried about it. She thinks that on some subconscious level I did it on purpose because she may have been insensitive to me. I think that the only thing subconscious going on in my mind is my inability to tell her how strongly I feel for her and that is fucking me up a bit because I feel like I can't tell her how I feel.

I feel like she would go running for the hills if I told her what I was feeling and I don't want to scare her away so I keep my mouth shut. That's probably not a good thing, but I can't help it. So maybe now my subconscious/conscious knowing that I am holding back is transferring out into how I am acting toward her. Oh fuck me now I'm really screwed. Now I'm going to have to explain something to her along the lines of that I like her more than I can admit to her and that is why I'm fucking things up, because that's what I do.

Damn, I can't think straight at 3:30 in the fucking morning. And now I am going to attempt to compose an e-mail to her for her to read whenever she wakes up that will hopefully not send her running in the other fucking direction. Crap. I fucked myself on this one. Well, maybe it will make her understand why I'm such an idiot.