Still can't talk...

Damn, I thought I had overcome that problem, but it seems that words are still a fucking issue for me. Why I can't just come out and say how I'm feeling just really fucking sucks, I don't like the feeling of holding it in, of knowing that I'm being silly and if I just talk about it I'm sure things will be fine.

Today for example, I was feeling a little let down about the events of the weekend. We had a really great night on Thursday, some good sex that could have lasted a lot longer had there not been a party going on downstairs, and so I thought that there would be a continuation of that this weekend.

I went down to see kc on Sunday, had a rugby party on Saturday night. She had a huge test for school on Monday so I figured I'd let her get some good sleep and was hoping that when she came home from class after her test that she would at least be receptive to the idea. But no, she asked me when I was going to get out of bed. Okay fine, at least she said that she would probably want to take a nap later with me, and I told her I wanted a naked nap, which in my mind can only mean one thing, and since she knows that I'm fucking horny all the time, I assumed she knew what I was getting at. Maybe she did, but the afternoon "nap" never happened.

We did go to the bookstore, which I love bookstores, and then took a nice drive around on the motorcycle, which is really fun as well, but then when we got back and still nothing. Then all of a sudden it's time to watch a TV show that got missed and then it's Monday Night Football. Um...yeah, I'm all for watching football and catching up on things, but when a girl asks if you would like to give her a naked massage, you don't generally respond by saying, but it's Monday Night Football and the game is going to be good. Guess that's what kind of set the whole thing off in my mind.

I mean, I guess I wouldn't have pressed the sex issue if she had just told me that the antibiotics that she is on for her sinus deal gave her a problem downstairs. It's been known to happen, that's why I tell doctors I'm allergic to specific ones. However, I guess I still would have been upset because what I really wanted (aside from an orgasm) was just some alone time. It is so fucking hard to have that kind of time when she has 2 roommates who pretty much never leave. I just wanted some uninterrupted snuggle time, possibly naked, to just lay there and be warm and cuddly. Instead, we went upstairs before the football game started (but after we had watched the TV show) and took a nap. Had I known that the nap was meant for me to sleep before I had to go to work and not her I may have tried a little harder to sleep. Instead, I was hoping for the snuggle time that I had wanted all day and she fell asleep and I reluctantly did the same. Although, I woke up a short while later and since she was asleep stayed awake because I didn't want to oversleep and be late for work and didn't want to wake her up and have her set an alarm just in case.

So I didn't really get any alone time at all this weekend and now I'm trying not to be in a foul mood and trying not to cry and trying to figure out a way to tell her all of this without me coming off as clingy and needy. I mean, I sent her a e-mail saying that I would work on being more vocal about what I wanted if she will be more vocal about what's going on and why she is brushing me off as far as sex is concerned. But, I haven't received a response yet and am starting to bite off all my nails, despite the fact that it's 2:13am and she's probably passed out on her couch right now.

At least in my e-mail I asked her to set aside a time window where we could just have some snuggle time, and maybe at some point next weekend I can talk to her about all this, since I probably won't see her at all this week unless I want to drive down to her house one morning when I get out of work. Which, I will probably end up doing at least one day, because this whole working nights thing pretty much means that she won't ever come up to my house.

I just wish I knew why I had such a problem talking to her and telling her when I'm having a problem. I wish I knew why it was so hard for me. I know she won't judge me, she tells me that and I know that she wouldn't, so why am I so fucking scared to say anything?