Turning 29 is fun

It's been a pretty good past few days, had a blast this past weekend, and this upcoming one looks like it will be pretty good too. kc took me out for dinner Friday night for my birthday, had some delicious seafood, which, when you live in a landlocked state, is pretty hard to come by. Got to snuggle and have a good evening, though I was a little annoyed that she wanted to go back to her place instead of mine. But, didn't really care since I had to get up early in the morning anyway.

Spent the next 3 days snowboarding and hanging out with the rugby girls. Went out on the town Saturday night (yes, I am that idiot, I carried my birthday balloons with me, but it was fun) and had WAY too much to drink. I can't remember the last time I had a hangover like that, I probably should have after the night I had 2 weeks ago. But, sucked it up and still went snowboarding the next day. sr, m, and I were definitely the hardcore ones of the group since we were the only ones that went 3 days in a row.

It was definitely the best birthday that I have had in a long time. I mean, yeah, meeting kc last year on my birthday was pretty fun, and dinner with her this year was great. But there's just something about getting a bunch of rugby girls together to celebrate (well, shit, anything, it doesn't just have to be a birthday) and have a good time that just brings a smile to my face. And if was definitely better than the birthday "party" I had 2 years ago that no one (and when I say no one, yeah, no one except d) showed up to. And I got to go snowboarding for 3 days in a row, yeah, fuck my job, I told them I wasn't going to be in on Sunday night.

In other new and exciting news...I had a job interview on Tuesday. It went really well, I'd actually be getting to do real research and feelin like an actual scientist instead of just a pretend scientist whose job a trained monkey could perform. Hopefully I'll hear from him before the end of the week so I can tell my job to go fuck themselves. Yeah, I really just can't wait for the day that I can tell them to fuck off, although I only have about 2.5 weeks left on my contract. I'm considering leaving a week early, although I could use the money. But I'm just going to send my boss an e-mail and tell him that if I get hired them my last day will be xx, and if not then it will be yy, either way I'm not finishing out the contract completely. I have to take a couple days to get my shit together before I go to Ireland.

Did I mention I was going to Ireland? Yes, to visit bfr! I haven't seen her in 2 years. Actually, the last time I saw her was at my commitment ceremony to the ex. So, yeah, we have a lot of catching up to do. I can't wait, it'll be my 2nd time using my passport, and I get to go see my best friend. Ireland will never know what hit it by the time I leave. I have to get a new memory card for my camera since I go nuts as it is and I can download them onto my computer after a day or two. But, since it only holds about 500 pictures, I'm going to need a bigger one that holds a lot more!

In kc news, things are going alright there. She did send me a text while I was gone this weekend that said she was really liking me being myself around her and she hopes that I keep doing it because she really likes it. That's a good thing, and we're going out with some friends on Friday night for dinner and First Friday. Some weird chick is sort of stalking kc on MySpace, so that should be interesting if she makes an appearance at First Friday, at least I'll be sober.

I'm going to see an energy healer on Saturday. Should be pretty interesting, hopefully it helps me, especially with my stomach problems. It's paying me back for this weekend and then I've been trying not to stress about kc at all, and so far it's working, but lately I've been having these truly bizarre dreams about her, or at least with her in them.

Last night I had this dream that she sent me a text that was pretty much a booty call, I can't really remember what it said. And then she showed up on my doorstep and we had the most incredibly amazing sex we've ever had. I had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't hallucinate and that it actually was a dream. Then this afternoon I'm taking a nap on my couch before work and I have a dream that she sends me a text that she can't ever see me again because she wants to date someone else and knows that I'm not down with that. So just totally random and apparently completely opposite dreams that I'm having.

And of course Sunday is the superbowl and I'm going to watch my boys totally spank the Giants. Yes, fuck you all, I'm a Patriots fan. Of course I am, I'm from NH, it's practically written on our birth certificates that we must cheer for New England teams. So no, I'm not a bandwagon fan, I have cheered for them even when they have sucked really badly. So not going to work again this Sunday night, but I told them that they can't just give me 4 days notice that they are changing my schedule and expect me to drop everything that I'm doing and change my plans so that I can come to a place that just sucks the life out of me.

So it's been a pretty good past few days, hopefully things in my life are turning around. I've started a new year and hopefully I can get some things accomplished this year and get myself more set up for the long haul. The outlook is pretty good.

Feeling Alright

So kc came back from Hawaii on Monday. I'm not sure what time she actually got back into town, I went home after work and went to sleep. However, she did text me while I was at work on Monday night and asked me if I wanted to come and snuggle with her in the morning since she didn't have class until 1. I figured why the hell not, of course I know I wanted to, but I knew I wasn't going to ask her, I wanted her to ask me.

Maybe that's too much of a mind game to myself, but for some reason I just felt the need to reaffirm to myself that she does want me around. So I get down there Tuesday morning around 9:15am or so and she is snoring up a storm. Even before she had her sinus surgery, when she was all kinds of plugged up, she never snored. So yeah, had a hard time falling asleep. I'm a pretty light sleeper and I'm definitely not a big fan of snoring. I kind of teased her about it and she promised to make an appointment with her nasal doctor to get it vacuumed out again because she hates snoring too.

So I slept a little while when she was at class and then got woken up by s poking her head into the room. She was definitely a little more than surprised to see me there, probably because kc told her and h that we weren't girlfriends. Then she told me that they don't really understand the nature of our relationship, to which I told her that I told either. But, more on that in a minute.

So hung out with kc and a ton of other people who came over to visit, only got 3 hours of sleep, and was definitely ridiculously tired by the end of the day, but for some reason, when it came down to it, I just couldn't fall asleep. kc joined me in bed around 2:30am or something like that, I didn't have my watch on. She asked me if there was anything on my mind, since I had shown her the list I had made of things, I guess this is her way of getting me to open up to her. We probably talked for at least an hour, about a ton of stuff.

I told her it was kind of annoying that every story she told about Hawaii was prefaced with her ex, d. She reassured me that there was no sexual chemistry with them anymore, just that they were really good friends, and d was trying to be a good host to them all and that all the stuff they were doing was her idea and she was the one taking them to all these places. I told her I understand, that's why I wasn't making a big deal about it, just that it was kind of annoying since there were other people on the trip doing things as well. Whatever, I'm over that. And she did say she missed me while she was gone, so that was nice, and she brought me back some presents, which was surprising, but nice.

Then I brought up her saying that h said she was surprised to see me since she had told them that we're not girlfriends anymore (or in her mind ever were I suppose), that s & h don't really understand the nature of our relationship. I was like, um, I don't really understand it either. She likes what we have, thinks it's special, and hasn't completely written me off yet (as far as sex is concerned), and wants to really get to know me and make sure that I don't get all freaked out again. I told her I think she is lucky, I think that the pendulum has finally stopped swinging.

I feel like my emotional state (especially after a breakup) is kind of like a pendulum, it starts off at one extreme end, hits the middle where all seems normal, and then it swings up to another completely different extreme. I think I've finally settled into the middle, or at least have some movement but nothing quite as much as the 2 extremes.

She asked me if I was worried about anything and I just said, well, I mean, what am I supposed to do when she finds someone else to snuggle with and doesn't want me around? She said that same thing with me is always on her mind, she said that I'd find someone before her. And then told me fuck you in advance because I told her that if I did find someone else then I couldn't come snuggle with her (apparently if I have a 1 nighter she just doesn't want to know about it), and she doesn't want to find out that way, but she doesn't want me to tell her either. Whatever. She said that some girl had been trying to chat her up and hit on her at the last 1st Friday, but that she wasn't interested in looking for someone else, so I guess that's a good thing for me.

I don't know, the outcome of our conversation was basically that we're just going to enjoy the time that we spend together and not really worry about anything else. If something happens it happens, if I meet someone else, then so be it. I won't be a hypocrite though and I don't think she gets that. That's why I wouldn't be able to snuggle with her anymore. If I don't want to have to share whoever I'm with, with anyone else, then why should they expect any less from me?

So we'll just have to see where things go. We're having dinner tonight for my birthday, then I'll be gone all weekend with the rugby girls, probably won't see her too much next week unless I go down again Tuesday morning when I get off work, not sure if we're hanging out next weekend, but probably, and then the following weekend I have a rugby tournament. So, not going to get bogged down with spending too much time together, going to try and make some dates instead of just always hanging out at her house.

And I've just gotten to the point where whatever I say doesn't matter, I've been calling her on her shit and not really caring, it's not like anything could really change for the worse unless she said she never wanted to see me again, and even if she did that, while it would suck a lot, I know I'd survive. I think she's actually enjoying my honesty, I think sometimes it really surprises her, but I think she likes it. It's what she says she wants and I told her she can't freak out on me so hopefully that works out there.

Serenity

I have discovered my first benefit to being emotionally aware. And it was good. None of this freaking out and feeling like I'm going crazy shit. I was driving home from work, just listening to some good music, feeling pretty good when this wave of peacefulness just came over me. It was like, suddenly I just felt really really good, like I had no cares, no worries, no anxiety, nothing. I felt truly happy. And it wasn't brought on by anyone or anything, I felt that way all on my own. I didn't need someone else to make me feel this way, I didn't need any sort of material possession to make me feel this way, I just felt it.

That is just so exciting for me. I remember having a moment similar to this, but not quite this obvious to me, once in college after the exex and I had broken up. We had been broken up for a while, I had been really depressed and not myself, hell I lost 100lbs after we broke up (although to be fair, I did need to lose them). I think it was sometime right after the damn I'm hot, damn they're stupid incident. I just woke up in the morning, and I felt better. I felt like the world wasn't going to collapse around me leaving me amidst a giant pile of rubble to clean up. I had felt my first moment of true happiness after being sad and lonely for so long.

And it was only after that moment that I was really able to get back out there and enjoy my life again. It was after that moment that I had really truly started to gain my confidence and self-esteem back, although I did a pretty good job faking it before then. It just wasn't the same compared to actually feeling it.

And this is how I'm feeling now. It's strange, I didn't really think that the ex would have had that much of an impact on how I would handle life after we broke up. I didn't think that it would take me a year to get myself back together again. I mean, our relationship had run its course, I knew it was over long before it was over. I just didn't take into account that when you spend over 4 years of your life with someone, good or bad, they still can have a profound effect on it.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me in the last year. And I know that most of how I took things related to how I was feeling emotionally. I just didn't realize that whenever I had a negative outlook on something, even if it was completely unfounded, it was because I just wasn't back to myself yet. I am a generally happy person, I mean, everyone has their bad days, but for the most part, when I am emotionally healthy, most of my days are good. But if I'm having a bad day I'm not afraid to express it, I'm not afraid to express anything, bad or good.

I think I was pushing too much onto kc, wanting her to fill that void that the ex left, way too quickly. And she sensed that. No, I am not defending her actions toward me, and yes her ability to change her mind so quickly is still frustrating, but I also think that some of it stemmed from my being emotionally unavailable to her. I just didn't realize it. I think that subconsciously there was a void that needed to be filled when the ex and I broke up, and when I met her it was altogether too easy to try and get her to fill it in.

That's just completely selfish on my part. I can't expect her to fill a void that was left vacant by someone else breaking my heart. The ex broke my heart, she had made a promise to me, to be there for me, and when she felt the need to be with someone else, she jumped on it. I never fully dealt with that because it was too painful to deal with. But since I've been going down this emotionally aware journey, I have come to terms with how I felt.

I put up a huge wall to try and protect my heart, because I think that is just a natural instinct of what to do immediately after your heart gets broken. And then I met someone who wanted to break down that wall and I just wasn't ready. So I let some bricks be poked through that wall, let a little bit of sunlight in, but it's kind of like leaving a dark place and going into the sunlight, it takes your eyes a while to adjust. It took my heart a while to adjust to the sunlight.

So this past year I've basically been deluding myself into thinking I was okay when I really wasn't. I was trying to delude kc into thinking that I was okay, but she knew I wasn't. She just didn't know why, or maybe she did, that doesn't really matter. I think I could feel myself getting a little better, I think at certain points I truly believed I was, because I wanted so much to be. And I know that there were moments of happiness there, lots of laughter (which always helps), and my ability to trust people was strengthened. I believe that all of it was leading up to feeling this way, to having this moment of complete serenity and truly feeling good.

I like feeling good. I like feeling like the world can't ruin me if something goes wrong. Things will go wrong, no one has a perfect life, I certainly don't, but I have to be able to trust myself in how I react. I like having the confidence to trust my decisions and to not overthink what will happen, how people react, to just trust that I'm doing what is right for me. And even though it may not be right for someone else, that doesn't mean it's wrong. Everyone is different and they need to do what feels right for them.

I'm glad that I have had this sort of awakening. It's like the clouds that shrouded over me have lifted. It's like I can truly start experiencing my world now, can start really feeling what is going on, I can actually feel like a participant in my life instead of an outsider just watching. And it's such a wonderful feeling.

Less talk, more action

So I know I'm always talking about things that I want to do, but then I always overthink them and overanalyze, and then they never get done. Well, lately I've been doing a lot of doing. I booked my plane ticket to Ireland to go see bfr. And I can't fucking wait! It's going to be so much fun. There is so much that we need to catch up on, considering the last time I saw her was a little over 2 years ago at my commitment ceremony to my ex. I mean, we still keep in contact, but there's just something about actually sitting down with your best friend over a pint and pouring your heart out.

I must admit, I'm a bit terrified of flying over the ocean, but people do it everyday, so I'll just down a couple glasses of wine before my flight leaves and hopefully sleep most of the way. And getting to see bfr will be so incredibly worth it. And in Ireland no less! Plus this will be just the 2nd time I've ever had to use my passport. I mean, I've been to Canada and Mexico, but you didn't used to need a passport for that so those don't really count.

And today I sat in the tattoo artist's chair for over 4 hours getting my new piece of body art done. It's an early birthday present to myself, and something that I've been dying to get for the past couple of years. I have a tattoo for every year I was in college, except for my 2nd senior year, which was 5 years ago. When the ex and I moved out here I decided on what I wanted, just never got around to doing it. And then we broke up and I really wanted to get it, but I had to dig myself out of the financial mess that I was in (word of advice: never get a joint checking account, especially if you're making more money). So in the past year I've managed to clear $7000 worth of credit card debt, another $1000 for the loan that the ex and I took out for our commitment ceremony (yeah, the loan sure did last longer than the marriage), and almost paid off my car.

I had told kc that I wanted a columbine and she had a picture of one. I was supposed to use that one, but the girl at the tattoo shop lost it about 2 minutes after I left. But, she printed out some pictures and came up with a pretty sweet design, so while it's still what I wanted, I guess at least I don't have a permanent reminder of kc on my back. Although, because I wanted this flower before I ever met kc, I don't think that it will make me think of her when I look at it. And the tattoo girl did a really great job on it. I believe in letting the artist use their talent to enhance the design. All of my tattooes are originals, most of them I've drawn myself, I just couldn't get this one how I wanted it.

And in news that I'm sure most will be happy about, I got my flirt on with one of the BI girls on Saturday night at the bar. Here's the weekend recap...went and hung out with the rugby girls on Friday night, at their place, out of cell service range, so I wouldn't be tempted to be looking at my phone all night long and wondering about kc. Went snowboarding on Saturday and then Saturday night got talked into going to a couple of the different gay bars in town. I've never been to these particular ones, mostly because I hate country music and that's about all that was getting played. However, since there was a free keg at one of the bars and my friend buying me shots all night long at the other (I told her to get me into a country bar I had to be good and liquored up) I was down.

BIh invited us to the first party and so I got to flirt with her there. And then we left for the 2nd bar and told sr to text her if I wanted her to go to the other bar. So sure enough we get to the 2nd bar and I tell sr to text her and say that yeah, she should come to this bar. And she did! I think she kinda likes me so that's cool. Got to see kg, haven't seen her in forever, saw a bunch of other people there that I haven't seen in a long time. However, by this time in the evening ta had bought me a bunch of shots and I had had a large amount of beer with not that much food to eat. So, I'm really not sure what I said to BIh when I was flirting with her. Hopefully nothing too bad, it's fun flirting with her. And I made the girls take my cell phone away from me so that I wouldn't be tempted to send any drunk texts to kc. Which thankfully they did, and stuck with, until I woke up the next morning.

There's just one major drawback to BIh, and that's her occupation. She's going to be a cop and I just really take issue with someone whose career involves carrying a gun, considering my predisposition to hating them, oh and my penchance for recreational usage of certain things. Although, I do think I told her to call me when she's officially a cop and gets the uniform. I got something with uniforms. Plus, I need to get this whole kc thing sorted out, and I barely know her. I wouldn't mind hanging out with her and getting to know her more, but I don't think I could get involved right now. That's just a little too much on my plate at this juncture. Plus, I've decided that I need to get to know someone before I jump into bed with them, well at least her, I don't want her to be a one-nighter, although I'm sure that part would be pretty hot.

Anyway, at least I'm getting out there and doing things. And 10 days in Ireland with no cell reception will certainly allow me to take my mind off of kc for a little while. Plus, she doesn't get back until next weekend on Sunday, and then I'll have to work. And then I'm getting out of town for my birthday. So I've got stuff planned and hopefully I can find a new job where my hours aren't totally crappy. And I've got an appointment with the energy healer in a couple weeks so hopefully that will also help me, especially emotionally.

So there's only a couple of weekends that I can hang out with kc inbetween now and when I leave for Ireland. And who knows, maybe when she comes back from Hawaii she'll have figured out what the fuck she wants to do with me. Yes, I know, GFY, I should just be peacing out, but it's a little late for that since my damn heart got involved. Although, maybe if I did tell her I love her, that would scare her off for good. Or it wouldn't. I don't know, still doubt that will be coming out of my mouth anytime soon, if at all. And in the meantime it won't hurt to have a little harmless flirting going on with BIh, wouldn't be the first time I've done it.

Who knows what will happen between now and a month from now. Who knows what will happen after I get back from Ireland. Shit, I don't even know what will happen next week, or this weekend for that matter. I would like things to be figured out with kc but hell if I know when that will happen. I would like her to do something special for me for my birthday, considering that was when we met a year ago, although I'm not going to hold my breath. It's like she has her moments, where she can be the most perfect person in the world for me, and I wish that those moments weren't so few and far between. When she feels like it, she can be the sweetest, most attentive and affectionate person, the person that I fell for. And then she has her moments where I wonder why the hell I'm still there.

Oh well, such is my rollercoaster. Eventually the ride will slow down, but right now it's still spiraling and probably heading for a corkscrew. As long as it doesn't fall off the tracks I'm pretty sure I'll be okay. And who knows, I'm pretty sure people have survived worse things than heartache.

Myself

I need to get back to myself. I know it seems selfish, but it's really what I need to focus on, otherwise I will just not really be happy with my life and myself and anything else. I think that when I neglect myself that is when I get into trouble. I start withdrawing, overanalyzing, and letting things get to me that I just shouldn't.

I made a list the other night, well, several lists actually; things I like about myself, things I don't like about myself, why I'm a good catch, what I need to do to fix the things I don't like, what I do and don't like about relationships, and what I did and didn't like about my relationship with kc. It was almost as if I knew the lists already but just didn't believe them until I was physically staring at them, reading what I had written down. It was like I needed a physical reminder of the things that I know to be true in my heart. And it's not like there was anything extremely hard or impossible to do on the how to fix it list. I need to surround myself with people I can trust and be comfortable around, I need to relax and not worry so much, I need to trust my instincts and my judgement and not dwell on things until I make myself sick, I need to eat healthy and work out.

It's not like this is an insurmountable goal. It's not as if working on myself is impossible. It's not like I'm completely overhauling my personality and my life. I like my life for the most part, I hate my job but whatever, I've got 6 weeks left here before I'm unemployed and if they want to fuck with my schedule then peace out. I applied for some jobs yesterday and I just need to get better about checking for new job postings about once a week.

So I just need to calm down and relax. And kc is going to be gone for 2 weeks, well, 10 days, but 2 weekends, and then the weekend she gets back I'll be out of town for my birthday. My birthday...it's so weird to think of all of the things that have happened to me in the past year. It wasn't all bad, most of it was pretty good, some of it was scary, but I made it through all of it and have come out on top for the most part.

I met kc on my birthday last year, about 2 weeks after the ex and I had broken up. It's been a whirlwind year since then...I started playing rugby again, joined basketball, took salsa dancing lessons, went caving for the first time, travelled to all kinds of places with the rugby team, got to roll around in the grass at Coors Field on the 4th of July, made some incredibly wonderful friends, went to California for the first time, had the best night in Vegas ever, got laid off from my job, sold my old condo, was homeless for a little while, got a new temp job that is thankfully almost over, found a new fucking great place to live, saw my first professional football game, drank some really great wine and ate some delicious food, and so much more.

I have lived and loved and learned and grown so much this past year. And aside from letting my insecurities tarnish my relationship with kc, I wouldn't change anything about my 28th year. Now, hopefully my 29th year will be better, I mean, at least I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and my life and at least I have this little piece of joy to remind me about things. And at least my list of things I like about myself and why I'm a good catch was longer than my list of things I didn't like. It's like, I know I'm a good catch, so why am I worried? And despite how perfect kc is for me, if it doesn't work out with her, I know I will find someone who will appreciate all that I have to offer. So I'm just going to take the next 3 weeks, work on myself, do what I need to do for me, and hopefully by the time my birthday rolls around (in 16 days...I'm excited) I'll have at least set myself on the path to enlightenment.

Expectations

Why do I subject myself to this? Why do I watch movies that make me cry? Why do I think that she could be someone for me? Why, when I know that despite all that I love about her, do I know that my heart is going to break again?

I shouldn't expect her to be that person. I shouldn't expect her to be the person that can make me happy but she does. And yet she makes me sad at the same time. I have had no expectations of her so far and yet I still feel let down.

Maybe I'm just frustrated from the movie and the undying love that someone can have for another person. Why would I think that my life could have any sort of fairytale ending? Why would I think that someone would want to come along and sweep me off my feet? Why would I think that someone would come along that could be all that I want in another person?

It's not as if there isn't a connection, it's not as if she doesn't feel something, anything at all, for me. Or am I yet again deluding myself into thinking that something is there that isn't? Or am I just feeling completely hormonal due to monthly issues? Or is it the movie that has somehow raised my expectations of what I want?

I don't think that I want that much. Maybe I'll get lucky and she will somehow find it in herself to come over here tonight although I won't get my hopes up for that happening. I'm just feeling an overwhelming need to be comforted and held tonight. I just want to fall asleep in her arms, to feel that comfort and ease. Of course she'll say she's busy or most likely that her phone died or some other whatever.

I guess when I was younger I had always envisioned that I would have found my special someone by this point in my life. And I thought I had, but I think that I forced myself into believing that that was the case with the ex, that I tried too hard to make her be the one when she so clearly wasn't. So am I projecting that same desire onto kc now? I don't want to set myself up for yet another failed relationship and yet I know that I can't stop trying to find my perfect relationship. Or maybe I shouldn't believe in silly childhood expectations.

Maybe I do want that comfort and security. Well, I suppose that maybe is too weak of a word. I do want that comfort and security and feeling of safeness that you get when you have found that special someone. Am I destined to always be searching for that someone? And if I know that that is what I want how do I stop myself from projecting it onto someone who isn't that person? And when I have invested so much time and energy and my heart with someone, how do I decide if she is worth any more of an investment or if it's time to move on? And if I'm having these feelings should that be my sign that it is time to move on or do I talk to her about what I'm feeling?

Or maybe I should stop watching sappy romantic movies that project an unhealthy image of non-reality into my heart. I know that they are just movies, that that sort of fairytale ending just does not happen in real life. I know that realistically no one is going to come sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset with me. There is no large adverse situation that I must overcome except my own head and ideas. I'm not being torn between two lovers, my sweetheart will not be sent off to war with an uncertain ending, I don't think that love at first sight is possible. Those things only happen in the movies. So why do I somehow believe that they will happen to me?

I think that I'm just feeling a little lonely right now. I shouldn't feel lonely, I should be feeling good about my life. There is nothing horribly wrong with my life, I have wonderful friends, a great new place to live, activities that I enjoy doing that make me happy. And yet I still feel like there is something missing. I feel like my heart is not complete. And I shouldn't need another person to make my heart feel complete, if my heart is not whole when I meet someone they will know it and it will hinder the relationship. And yet I just can't keep this feeling at bay. Sometimes it just takes over me and I have no idea how to push it out.

This sucks. I want this feeling to go away. And I know that I should kick myself in the ass for saying this, but it's almost as if I know that if kc did actually come over and I got to snuggle and sleep with her that I would feel so much better. It's like I'm purposefully setting myself up to get hurt. I don't want her to hurt me, but some stupid sensible part of my fucking brain tells me that she will, and then the other part of my brain that is linked to my heart tells me that it doesn't matter, enjoy what is there while it is there. It knows it will be able to heal from that heartache when it happens, if it happens, while it is happening. And I shouldn't be in a hurry to rush something along because if it was meant to be then it will happen.

Why?

Why the hell did I think that becoming emotionally aware would be a good thing for me? Why did my stepmom ever have to send me that fucking book? Huh? I mean, really, what good are emotions, when most of the ones that I'm feeling don't make me feel good?

Yeah, great, I have emotions. And now I'm forcing myself to become more aware of them. And yes, the book did say that at first there are going to be a lot more painful ones because it's those painful ones that we need to work through in order to gain control over them and learn from them.

So let's see...I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the world to get a burn blister on their lip from eating microwave popcorn. Apparently I just couldn't control myself long enough to let it cool down because I got 2 big ole hideous blisters on my upper lip. That's never happened before, at first I thought I was having an allergic reaction to some ingredient, but then the blisters formed. Maybe it was an allergic reaction, who knows, all I know is that my lip really fucking hurts.

I went and bought a shelf for my office so that I could make an attempt to keep some plants alive, see if I really did inherit a green thumb. Then I went to hang the shelf. Turns out the ex raided my fucking toolbox and took my hammer and my level. At this point it's not really worth arguing with her about it, so now I have to go buy a new level and hammer so I can hang my shelf. Then hopefully I don't kill the plants, my gram sent me an amaryllis for Christmas and kc's mom gave me a sprig of one of her plants, it's called a donkey tail. Anyway, hopefully I can keep them alive, they'll get some great sunlight once I hang the shelf.

So then since I couldn't hang the shelf I figured I'd make myself some lunch (this is over the weekend) but since it was too fucking cold outside to grill I had to go searching for my little George Foreman grill, and then I realized that yeah, the ex took that too. So I'm clearly not impressed with her right now, and she sent out some lame e-mail asking for money for this yurt trip that we're doing, that come to find out she doesn't want to do anymore, which, is actually a good thing, because then the group of us won't have to deal with her shit. One of k's friends actually said she'd go if a wasn't going, at least I'm not the only one annoyed by her.

And it's like every time I see kc I have this flood of emotions washing over me, I'm excited, I get butterflies, I'm happy and I'm sad, and just all this stuff that I wasn't really aware I was feeling. And I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware of it, however, I'm not such a big fan of being aware of the sad feelings. It's like, why did I fall for the most noncommittal woman on earth? And I guess I am starting to mind the going slow thing, well, I guess not mind. I guess my only concern is whether she sees this thing actually going somewhere and that it will be fruitful in the end to have taken it so slow, or if she's just killing time with me until someone else comes along. I mean, I really hope that that isn't the case, and maybe 10 days in Hawaii will make her miss me since she missed me when she was in Las Vegas.

And at least when she was in Vegas she missed me enough to want to get dirty texts and pictures and then she freaked out when she got back thinking that I was moving things along too quickly. Although, from what I remember of my conversation with k on New Year's Eve at least I'm not feeling irrational about the way things are. k agrees that kc is basically in a relationship with me, everyone sees it, even if kc doesn't want to actually put it into those words. Hmm...wish I could remember more of the conversation that I had with k that night. I wonder if she remembers more of the conversation. Oh well, maybe she'll stop by and have a beer with me when she gets out of work tomorrow, and she can refresh my memory as to what I was telling her.

I mean, I remember standing on the porch talking to kc about her stance on monogamy and being not exactly happy about things, and then k came out on the porch to have a smoke with me, and kc went inside and passed out on the couch, and then I stood outside with k (freezing my ass off no less) I'm pretty sure spilling my guts about kc and that I'm totally in love with someone who is going to put me through the ringer for sure, even though to everyone except kc, we're in a relationship. And then I'm pretty sure that when we went inside to go pass out, I made an attempt to wake kc up from the couch and at this point I kinda remember whispering in her ear that I love her. And when I woke up in the morning she was sleeping next to me on the air mattress. But I'm not sure if I was thinking the I love you part in my head or if it actually came out and I'm just not really ready to discuss that with kc yet since I'm not sure if she has any recollection of me saying it at all anyway, or if I indeed actually even did say it out loud.

Oh well. What the fuck? It's like, I know that there are lots of women out there who would be more than lucky to have me, I'm a great catch! I'm smart, I'm employed (well, at least right now), I'm fun and outgoing and I love to try new things, I appreciate my space and letting someone have theirs. Eventually someday I'd like to be settled and maybe have some kids or something, but I'm certainly not looking to go down that road next month or even really next year (although stranger things have happened, I just don't think it's in the cards for me to be pushing those envelopes so soon). I would like to think that I make whoever I'm with feel special and at least kc tells me that she thinks what we have is special, so why does she have to look like a fucking deer in headlights? Is it just me or is it everyone?

And why did I have to start reading this book and doing a lot of self reflection and learning about who I am and what I want? Ah yes, in order to be more fulfilled and have more fulfilling relationships, not just with kc, but with my friends and potential future friends or girlfriends. Fuck this sucks, I almost liked living in ignorance better. At least when I had a bag over my head I was really only aware of the strong emotions, not the little ones lurking behind them just waiting to be realized.

Well, at least I realize that some of this whole extreme emotional outbursting is hormonal and it will subside in a couple days. Although, I mean, I guess without the extreme I would have a hard time realizing the little emotions, and those are the ones that I need to learn to be paying more attention to. Damn myself. Maybe the next book I should read should be one about buddhism or some other way to get myself into a meditative and relaxed state because realizing all of these emotions tires me out and I need to learn some new ways of coping and dealing and expressing, not repressing and hiding from.

I don't know

So the last few weeks have been a little crazy. Went to California with kc for Christmas. Got to meet her mom and 2 of her brothers which was cool, now I can finally put a face to the names. Had a really great time, got to go hiking, to the beach, took some great pictures, and enjoy some sunshine.

Then we get back and she actually invites me somewhere, lately it's been, no, we've spent too much time together...blah blah blah. But, she asked if I wanted to watch the football game with her at p's house and meet his parents so that was cool. So hung out with her there for the weekend basically.

Got bailed on by a couple of the rugby girls for New Years, but at least I saw some of them at the bar. Went to a party with kc and k. Ended up getting pretty toasted and got into a drunk conversation about monogamy with kc. Pretty sure I've bitched about this before, but, it's coming out again since I ended up having a conversation with k about how I'm in love with someone who is just going to break my heart and the sad part is that I can see it coming, yet I'm still there.

kc doesn't think that people were meant to be monogamous. She thinks that defining a relationship, calling someone your girlfriend, means that you're trapped. To which I told her that I haven't done anything to make her feel trapped and that it's pretty much all in her fucking head about that. And at least she knows that I haven't done anything to try and control her or make her do something that she doesn't want to. But she knows that I don't share, I don't want to, and I don't think that I should have to.

The pain in the ass part is that she says she doesn't want to go look for anyone else to sleep with. It's like putting a label on something that is already there, that everyone else but her sees. I've known her for almost a year now, and despite the ups and downs, she's still around, and aside from the h incident, hasn't even entertained the notion of sleeping with anyone else. She has been in a monogamous relationship with me for the past year basically, but heaven forbid that actually gets pointed out to her.

I understand her wanting to go slow, yes, we should get to know each other, really truly know each other. We should respect and trust each other. And no, it's not all about sex, although I did tell her that I enjoy having it with her and would like to have it again. She just doesn't want me to shut down again, which is understandable, but at some point she's just going to have to take a chance. I'm not fucking perfect, never will be, and neither is she.

She asked me if I was getting impatient with her. Not necessarily impatient, I guess more just wondering what the extent of her going slow process is. She was really surprised that I was actually bringing this stuff up to her, I told her that I had to, I can't keep eating my feelings, and that I just need to talk to her about stuff when it comes up. At least she was happy about that, surprised but happy.

I don't know. I would like to see where this is all going because I do have a really great time with her. And I'm learning a lot about myself and what I want in this process. So, if everything happens to us for a reason, then hopefully I'll figure out what that reason is and be able to learn from it.