Myself

I need to get back to myself. I know it seems selfish, but it's really what I need to focus on, otherwise I will just not really be happy with my life and myself and anything else. I think that when I neglect myself that is when I get into trouble. I start withdrawing, overanalyzing, and letting things get to me that I just shouldn't.

I made a list the other night, well, several lists actually; things I like about myself, things I don't like about myself, why I'm a good catch, what I need to do to fix the things I don't like, what I do and don't like about relationships, and what I did and didn't like about my relationship with kc. It was almost as if I knew the lists already but just didn't believe them until I was physically staring at them, reading what I had written down. It was like I needed a physical reminder of the things that I know to be true in my heart. And it's not like there was anything extremely hard or impossible to do on the how to fix it list. I need to surround myself with people I can trust and be comfortable around, I need to relax and not worry so much, I need to trust my instincts and my judgement and not dwell on things until I make myself sick, I need to eat healthy and work out.

It's not like this is an insurmountable goal. It's not as if working on myself is impossible. It's not like I'm completely overhauling my personality and my life. I like my life for the most part, I hate my job but whatever, I've got 6 weeks left here before I'm unemployed and if they want to fuck with my schedule then peace out. I applied for some jobs yesterday and I just need to get better about checking for new job postings about once a week.

So I just need to calm down and relax. And kc is going to be gone for 2 weeks, well, 10 days, but 2 weekends, and then the weekend she gets back I'll be out of town for my birthday. My birthday...it's so weird to think of all of the things that have happened to me in the past year. It wasn't all bad, most of it was pretty good, some of it was scary, but I made it through all of it and have come out on top for the most part.

I met kc on my birthday last year, about 2 weeks after the ex and I had broken up. It's been a whirlwind year since then...I started playing rugby again, joined basketball, took salsa dancing lessons, went caving for the first time, travelled to all kinds of places with the rugby team, got to roll around in the grass at Coors Field on the 4th of July, made some incredibly wonderful friends, went to California for the first time, had the best night in Vegas ever, got laid off from my job, sold my old condo, was homeless for a little while, got a new temp job that is thankfully almost over, found a new fucking great place to live, saw my first professional football game, drank some really great wine and ate some delicious food, and so much more.

I have lived and loved and learned and grown so much this past year. And aside from letting my insecurities tarnish my relationship with kc, I wouldn't change anything about my 28th year. Now, hopefully my 29th year will be better, I mean, at least I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and my life and at least I have this little piece of joy to remind me about things. And at least my list of things I like about myself and why I'm a good catch was longer than my list of things I didn't like. It's like, I know I'm a good catch, so why am I worried? And despite how perfect kc is for me, if it doesn't work out with her, I know I will find someone who will appreciate all that I have to offer. So I'm just going to take the next 3 weeks, work on myself, do what I need to do for me, and hopefully by the time my birthday rolls around (in 16 days...I'm excited) I'll have at least set myself on the path to enlightenment.