Serenity

I have discovered my first benefit to being emotionally aware. And it was good. None of this freaking out and feeling like I'm going crazy shit. I was driving home from work, just listening to some good music, feeling pretty good when this wave of peacefulness just came over me. It was like, suddenly I just felt really really good, like I had no cares, no worries, no anxiety, nothing. I felt truly happy. And it wasn't brought on by anyone or anything, I felt that way all on my own. I didn't need someone else to make me feel this way, I didn't need any sort of material possession to make me feel this way, I just felt it.

That is just so exciting for me. I remember having a moment similar to this, but not quite this obvious to me, once in college after the exex and I had broken up. We had been broken up for a while, I had been really depressed and not myself, hell I lost 100lbs after we broke up (although to be fair, I did need to lose them). I think it was sometime right after the damn I'm hot, damn they're stupid incident. I just woke up in the morning, and I felt better. I felt like the world wasn't going to collapse around me leaving me amidst a giant pile of rubble to clean up. I had felt my first moment of true happiness after being sad and lonely for so long.

And it was only after that moment that I was really able to get back out there and enjoy my life again. It was after that moment that I had really truly started to gain my confidence and self-esteem back, although I did a pretty good job faking it before then. It just wasn't the same compared to actually feeling it.

And this is how I'm feeling now. It's strange, I didn't really think that the ex would have had that much of an impact on how I would handle life after we broke up. I didn't think that it would take me a year to get myself back together again. I mean, our relationship had run its course, I knew it was over long before it was over. I just didn't take into account that when you spend over 4 years of your life with someone, good or bad, they still can have a profound effect on it.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me in the last year. And I know that most of how I took things related to how I was feeling emotionally. I just didn't realize that whenever I had a negative outlook on something, even if it was completely unfounded, it was because I just wasn't back to myself yet. I am a generally happy person, I mean, everyone has their bad days, but for the most part, when I am emotionally healthy, most of my days are good. But if I'm having a bad day I'm not afraid to express it, I'm not afraid to express anything, bad or good.

I think I was pushing too much onto kc, wanting her to fill that void that the ex left, way too quickly. And she sensed that. No, I am not defending her actions toward me, and yes her ability to change her mind so quickly is still frustrating, but I also think that some of it stemmed from my being emotionally unavailable to her. I just didn't realize it. I think that subconsciously there was a void that needed to be filled when the ex and I broke up, and when I met her it was altogether too easy to try and get her to fill it in.

That's just completely selfish on my part. I can't expect her to fill a void that was left vacant by someone else breaking my heart. The ex broke my heart, she had made a promise to me, to be there for me, and when she felt the need to be with someone else, she jumped on it. I never fully dealt with that because it was too painful to deal with. But since I've been going down this emotionally aware journey, I have come to terms with how I felt.

I put up a huge wall to try and protect my heart, because I think that is just a natural instinct of what to do immediately after your heart gets broken. And then I met someone who wanted to break down that wall and I just wasn't ready. So I let some bricks be poked through that wall, let a little bit of sunlight in, but it's kind of like leaving a dark place and going into the sunlight, it takes your eyes a while to adjust. It took my heart a while to adjust to the sunlight.

So this past year I've basically been deluding myself into thinking I was okay when I really wasn't. I was trying to delude kc into thinking that I was okay, but she knew I wasn't. She just didn't know why, or maybe she did, that doesn't really matter. I think I could feel myself getting a little better, I think at certain points I truly believed I was, because I wanted so much to be. And I know that there were moments of happiness there, lots of laughter (which always helps), and my ability to trust people was strengthened. I believe that all of it was leading up to feeling this way, to having this moment of complete serenity and truly feeling good.

I like feeling good. I like feeling like the world can't ruin me if something goes wrong. Things will go wrong, no one has a perfect life, I certainly don't, but I have to be able to trust myself in how I react. I like having the confidence to trust my decisions and to not overthink what will happen, how people react, to just trust that I'm doing what is right for me. And even though it may not be right for someone else, that doesn't mean it's wrong. Everyone is different and they need to do what feels right for them.

I'm glad that I have had this sort of awakening. It's like the clouds that shrouded over me have lifted. It's like I can truly start experiencing my world now, can start really feeling what is going on, I can actually feel like a participant in my life instead of an outsider just watching. And it's such a wonderful feeling.