Feeling Alright

So kc came back from Hawaii on Monday. I'm not sure what time she actually got back into town, I went home after work and went to sleep. However, she did text me while I was at work on Monday night and asked me if I wanted to come and snuggle with her in the morning since she didn't have class until 1. I figured why the hell not, of course I know I wanted to, but I knew I wasn't going to ask her, I wanted her to ask me.

Maybe that's too much of a mind game to myself, but for some reason I just felt the need to reaffirm to myself that she does want me around. So I get down there Tuesday morning around 9:15am or so and she is snoring up a storm. Even before she had her sinus surgery, when she was all kinds of plugged up, she never snored. So yeah, had a hard time falling asleep. I'm a pretty light sleeper and I'm definitely not a big fan of snoring. I kind of teased her about it and she promised to make an appointment with her nasal doctor to get it vacuumed out again because she hates snoring too.

So I slept a little while when she was at class and then got woken up by s poking her head into the room. She was definitely a little more than surprised to see me there, probably because kc told her and h that we weren't girlfriends. Then she told me that they don't really understand the nature of our relationship, to which I told her that I told either. But, more on that in a minute.

So hung out with kc and a ton of other people who came over to visit, only got 3 hours of sleep, and was definitely ridiculously tired by the end of the day, but for some reason, when it came down to it, I just couldn't fall asleep. kc joined me in bed around 2:30am or something like that, I didn't have my watch on. She asked me if there was anything on my mind, since I had shown her the list I had made of things, I guess this is her way of getting me to open up to her. We probably talked for at least an hour, about a ton of stuff.

I told her it was kind of annoying that every story she told about Hawaii was prefaced with her ex, d. She reassured me that there was no sexual chemistry with them anymore, just that they were really good friends, and d was trying to be a good host to them all and that all the stuff they were doing was her idea and she was the one taking them to all these places. I told her I understand, that's why I wasn't making a big deal about it, just that it was kind of annoying since there were other people on the trip doing things as well. Whatever, I'm over that. And she did say she missed me while she was gone, so that was nice, and she brought me back some presents, which was surprising, but nice.

Then I brought up her saying that h said she was surprised to see me since she had told them that we're not girlfriends anymore (or in her mind ever were I suppose), that s & h don't really understand the nature of our relationship. I was like, um, I don't really understand it either. She likes what we have, thinks it's special, and hasn't completely written me off yet (as far as sex is concerned), and wants to really get to know me and make sure that I don't get all freaked out again. I told her I think she is lucky, I think that the pendulum has finally stopped swinging.

I feel like my emotional state (especially after a breakup) is kind of like a pendulum, it starts off at one extreme end, hits the middle where all seems normal, and then it swings up to another completely different extreme. I think I've finally settled into the middle, or at least have some movement but nothing quite as much as the 2 extremes.

She asked me if I was worried about anything and I just said, well, I mean, what am I supposed to do when she finds someone else to snuggle with and doesn't want me around? She said that same thing with me is always on her mind, she said that I'd find someone before her. And then told me fuck you in advance because I told her that if I did find someone else then I couldn't come snuggle with her (apparently if I have a 1 nighter she just doesn't want to know about it), and she doesn't want to find out that way, but she doesn't want me to tell her either. Whatever. She said that some girl had been trying to chat her up and hit on her at the last 1st Friday, but that she wasn't interested in looking for someone else, so I guess that's a good thing for me.

I don't know, the outcome of our conversation was basically that we're just going to enjoy the time that we spend together and not really worry about anything else. If something happens it happens, if I meet someone else, then so be it. I won't be a hypocrite though and I don't think she gets that. That's why I wouldn't be able to snuggle with her anymore. If I don't want to have to share whoever I'm with, with anyone else, then why should they expect any less from me?

So we'll just have to see where things go. We're having dinner tonight for my birthday, then I'll be gone all weekend with the rugby girls, probably won't see her too much next week unless I go down again Tuesday morning when I get off work, not sure if we're hanging out next weekend, but probably, and then the following weekend I have a rugby tournament. So, not going to get bogged down with spending too much time together, going to try and make some dates instead of just always hanging out at her house.

And I've just gotten to the point where whatever I say doesn't matter, I've been calling her on her shit and not really caring, it's not like anything could really change for the worse unless she said she never wanted to see me again, and even if she did that, while it would suck a lot, I know I'd survive. I think she's actually enjoying my honesty, I think sometimes it really surprises her, but I think she likes it. It's what she says she wants and I told her she can't freak out on me so hopefully that works out there.