Why?

Why the hell did I think that becoming emotionally aware would be a good thing for me? Why did my stepmom ever have to send me that fucking book? Huh? I mean, really, what good are emotions, when most of the ones that I'm feeling don't make me feel good?

Yeah, great, I have emotions. And now I'm forcing myself to become more aware of them. And yes, the book did say that at first there are going to be a lot more painful ones because it's those painful ones that we need to work through in order to gain control over them and learn from them.

So let's see...I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the world to get a burn blister on their lip from eating microwave popcorn. Apparently I just couldn't control myself long enough to let it cool down because I got 2 big ole hideous blisters on my upper lip. That's never happened before, at first I thought I was having an allergic reaction to some ingredient, but then the blisters formed. Maybe it was an allergic reaction, who knows, all I know is that my lip really fucking hurts.

I went and bought a shelf for my office so that I could make an attempt to keep some plants alive, see if I really did inherit a green thumb. Then I went to hang the shelf. Turns out the ex raided my fucking toolbox and took my hammer and my level. At this point it's not really worth arguing with her about it, so now I have to go buy a new level and hammer so I can hang my shelf. Then hopefully I don't kill the plants, my gram sent me an amaryllis for Christmas and kc's mom gave me a sprig of one of her plants, it's called a donkey tail. Anyway, hopefully I can keep them alive, they'll get some great sunlight once I hang the shelf.

So then since I couldn't hang the shelf I figured I'd make myself some lunch (this is over the weekend) but since it was too fucking cold outside to grill I had to go searching for my little George Foreman grill, and then I realized that yeah, the ex took that too. So I'm clearly not impressed with her right now, and she sent out some lame e-mail asking for money for this yurt trip that we're doing, that come to find out she doesn't want to do anymore, which, is actually a good thing, because then the group of us won't have to deal with her shit. One of k's friends actually said she'd go if a wasn't going, at least I'm not the only one annoyed by her.

And it's like every time I see kc I have this flood of emotions washing over me, I'm excited, I get butterflies, I'm happy and I'm sad, and just all this stuff that I wasn't really aware I was feeling. And I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware of it, however, I'm not such a big fan of being aware of the sad feelings. It's like, why did I fall for the most noncommittal woman on earth? And I guess I am starting to mind the going slow thing, well, I guess not mind. I guess my only concern is whether she sees this thing actually going somewhere and that it will be fruitful in the end to have taken it so slow, or if she's just killing time with me until someone else comes along. I mean, I really hope that that isn't the case, and maybe 10 days in Hawaii will make her miss me since she missed me when she was in Las Vegas.

And at least when she was in Vegas she missed me enough to want to get dirty texts and pictures and then she freaked out when she got back thinking that I was moving things along too quickly. Although, from what I remember of my conversation with k on New Year's Eve at least I'm not feeling irrational about the way things are. k agrees that kc is basically in a relationship with me, everyone sees it, even if kc doesn't want to actually put it into those words. Hmm...wish I could remember more of the conversation that I had with k that night. I wonder if she remembers more of the conversation. Oh well, maybe she'll stop by and have a beer with me when she gets out of work tomorrow, and she can refresh my memory as to what I was telling her.

I mean, I remember standing on the porch talking to kc about her stance on monogamy and being not exactly happy about things, and then k came out on the porch to have a smoke with me, and kc went inside and passed out on the couch, and then I stood outside with k (freezing my ass off no less) I'm pretty sure spilling my guts about kc and that I'm totally in love with someone who is going to put me through the ringer for sure, even though to everyone except kc, we're in a relationship. And then I'm pretty sure that when we went inside to go pass out, I made an attempt to wake kc up from the couch and at this point I kinda remember whispering in her ear that I love her. And when I woke up in the morning she was sleeping next to me on the air mattress. But I'm not sure if I was thinking the I love you part in my head or if it actually came out and I'm just not really ready to discuss that with kc yet since I'm not sure if she has any recollection of me saying it at all anyway, or if I indeed actually even did say it out loud.

Oh well. What the fuck? It's like, I know that there are lots of women out there who would be more than lucky to have me, I'm a great catch! I'm smart, I'm employed (well, at least right now), I'm fun and outgoing and I love to try new things, I appreciate my space and letting someone have theirs. Eventually someday I'd like to be settled and maybe have some kids or something, but I'm certainly not looking to go down that road next month or even really next year (although stranger things have happened, I just don't think it's in the cards for me to be pushing those envelopes so soon). I would like to think that I make whoever I'm with feel special and at least kc tells me that she thinks what we have is special, so why does she have to look like a fucking deer in headlights? Is it just me or is it everyone?

And why did I have to start reading this book and doing a lot of self reflection and learning about who I am and what I want? Ah yes, in order to be more fulfilled and have more fulfilling relationships, not just with kc, but with my friends and potential future friends or girlfriends. Fuck this sucks, I almost liked living in ignorance better. At least when I had a bag over my head I was really only aware of the strong emotions, not the little ones lurking behind them just waiting to be realized.

Well, at least I realize that some of this whole extreme emotional outbursting is hormonal and it will subside in a couple days. Although, I mean, I guess without the extreme I would have a hard time realizing the little emotions, and those are the ones that I need to learn to be paying more attention to. Damn myself. Maybe the next book I should read should be one about buddhism or some other way to get myself into a meditative and relaxed state because realizing all of these emotions tires me out and I need to learn some new ways of coping and dealing and expressing, not repressing and hiding from.