I don't know

So the last few weeks have been a little crazy. Went to California with kc for Christmas. Got to meet her mom and 2 of her brothers which was cool, now I can finally put a face to the names. Had a really great time, got to go hiking, to the beach, took some great pictures, and enjoy some sunshine.

Then we get back and she actually invites me somewhere, lately it's been, no, we've spent too much time together...blah blah blah. But, she asked if I wanted to watch the football game with her at p's house and meet his parents so that was cool. So hung out with her there for the weekend basically.

Got bailed on by a couple of the rugby girls for New Years, but at least I saw some of them at the bar. Went to a party with kc and k. Ended up getting pretty toasted and got into a drunk conversation about monogamy with kc. Pretty sure I've bitched about this before, but, it's coming out again since I ended up having a conversation with k about how I'm in love with someone who is just going to break my heart and the sad part is that I can see it coming, yet I'm still there.

kc doesn't think that people were meant to be monogamous. She thinks that defining a relationship, calling someone your girlfriend, means that you're trapped. To which I told her that I haven't done anything to make her feel trapped and that it's pretty much all in her fucking head about that. And at least she knows that I haven't done anything to try and control her or make her do something that she doesn't want to. But she knows that I don't share, I don't want to, and I don't think that I should have to.

The pain in the ass part is that she says she doesn't want to go look for anyone else to sleep with. It's like putting a label on something that is already there, that everyone else but her sees. I've known her for almost a year now, and despite the ups and downs, she's still around, and aside from the h incident, hasn't even entertained the notion of sleeping with anyone else. She has been in a monogamous relationship with me for the past year basically, but heaven forbid that actually gets pointed out to her.

I understand her wanting to go slow, yes, we should get to know each other, really truly know each other. We should respect and trust each other. And no, it's not all about sex, although I did tell her that I enjoy having it with her and would like to have it again. She just doesn't want me to shut down again, which is understandable, but at some point she's just going to have to take a chance. I'm not fucking perfect, never will be, and neither is she.

She asked me if I was getting impatient with her. Not necessarily impatient, I guess more just wondering what the extent of her going slow process is. She was really surprised that I was actually bringing this stuff up to her, I told her that I had to, I can't keep eating my feelings, and that I just need to talk to her about stuff when it comes up. At least she was happy about that, surprised but happy.

I don't know. I would like to see where this is all going because I do have a really great time with her. And I'm learning a lot about myself and what I want in this process. So, if everything happens to us for a reason, then hopefully I'll figure out what that reason is and be able to learn from it.