Fate

Fuck fate. Why do people always want to leave things to fate? If you want something, then why do you to leave it up to some other supernatural power to decide whether or not you should have it? Is it some sort of twisted punishment that if you leave things to fate and it happens then it's okay, but if you were to go after it and it happens then it's not okay?

It's just ridiculous. I don't want to leave her fucking sex drive up to fate! It's like, she knows she wants me, doesn't want to lose me from her life, blah blah blah, but yet that part of her head that wants to fuck me just isn't coming around. I mean, I don't know how much longer we can beat this dead horse. We had a big ole conversation about it on Friday morning and again on Saturday morning. There just really isn't anything left to discuss.

And I keep having these really weird (well, maybe not that weird) dreams. One night I'll have some completely erotic dream where kc is just incredibly fantastic and wonderful, and the next night I'm having some dream that she is yelling at me telling me she never wants to see me again. Problem is, I know the second one wouldn't happen, but what if it's my subconscious trying to tell me that neither will happen?

Whatever, I'm not in a rush to get anywhere, I guess I would just like to know where this is going. Maybe I'll go see the psychic down the street. I see her sign whenever I drive home from kc's house. I don't generally hold much stock in those sorts of things, but, well, fuck, I'm almost getting desperate.

I mean, we bailed on 1st Friday because there was just the potential for way too much drama to happen, so instead we went out to dinner, and then went to see a movie. I definitely wasn't down for watching some MySpace stalker try and hit on kc, and she wasn't down for watching BIh flirt with me (although I told her it's not like I would have any idea if she was going or not). It's like, we both want to be with each other, I'm just more able to express it apparently than she is. But I can't have another fucking sexless relationship like I did with the ex. That was just ridiculous.

And kc knows this, and so, she proposes that we just leave everything to fate. Fucking fate. Fate should decide whether or not I should get to be with this wonderful person who stimulates me, challenges me, gets me to open up, gets me to do things I could never dream of doing. What the hell? I don't want to stick around and watch her hook up with some chick from one of her classes. And she obviously doesn't want to watch me pursue anyone, or even be pursued by anyone. So what the fuck? Why can't fate just make her realize that she wants to be with me?

At least she is expressive in her sleep. Unconsciously, when we sleep, she is always snug up right next to me. The other night when I rolled over she told me not to move so far away (in her sleep). If I rub her back or her neck in the early morning in an attempt to wake her up gently, she moans and repositions herself to whatever is feeling good. Maybe I'm graspin at straws, but I just really have no idea what is going on in her head to make her have this mental block toward me.

Oh well, I get a free pass while I'm away in Ireland. Not that I plan on using it, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about her freaking out about finding out. She doesn't care if it happens, she just doesn't want to know about it, so I'm pretty sure if something happened in a country across the ocean, that she wouldn't be finding out about it. Although, there is an inherent problem with that...I would feel guilty. Despite the fact that we don't have a relationship, I would feel guilty.

Why should I feel guilty? Would she feel guilty if she did something with someone else? Who knows, maybe. She knows I wouldn't be coming around anymore that's for sure, so I guess it would depend on how much she really liked this other person and if it would be worth it. So far it hasn't been, but someday it will be. Especially if neither one of us is getting laid. We have needs, urges, feelings, desires, things that can't be suppressed forever. I just hope that when she feels the need to express those things it's me she's turning to.

If not, then, well, worse things have happened to people in life. It will suck for sure, I can't lie to myself and say I wouldn't be heartbroken. But life will go on. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out like it did when I got back from Arizona. Well, not right back. But we kept hanging out and then she wanted me to go to California. So maybe she'll miss me while I'm in Ireland. Or maybe she'll sleep with someone else. Whatever happens I suppose we could call it fate.