Perfection

I swear, if kc tells me one more time how perfect I am for her I might have to scream, or jump off a tall building. I mean, if I'm that damn perfect, then why can't you get over the fact that you think that I'm not ready for a relationship and just deal with it? I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm more ready than she is, especially if this has now become her main argument. Maybe it is her that is trying to fight it, trying to figure out some way to sabotage herself. Maybe it's not me...

Seriously, how many more times can I hear, fuck you for being so perfect and messing up my head because you withdrew? She knew I had just gotten out of a relationship, maybe she should have used her better judgement last year and held off and then we wouldn't be in this situation right now. I wouldn't have to deal with her telling me to go and date and do whatever as long as it doesn't get back to her. Right, like if I was going to do something I'd advertise it in front of her.

But it's pretty bad when she's already told me who she'd sleep with (according to her she's not pursuing it, maybe I've ruined her for all women, that's be fucking great) since she asked me who I'd sleep with. I told her straight up BIh, which of course pissed her off since she is a rugby girl and for some reason kc thinks that the stories that I told her about my crazy college days (I made out with my whole team...so what, just because they were all straight doesn't mean anything) still happen now. Well, maybe they do, just not with me. However, I know BIh is interested, and we all know I could use a good session in the sack. Side note...how much is too much before you go blind?

Anyway, the girl she said is in one of her classes (oh, and she had a 3-way with her with one of her ex-girlfriends). So I get to have that on my mind every Monday and Wednesday night. Thanks a whole fucking lot for that. I guess at least if I'm going to have to deal with paranoid delusions of her sleeping with someone else then she can deal with thinking that I'm screwing the entire BI team.

I keep trying to explain to her and get her to realize that if she is having feelings like this then that's not normal. If she truly only wanted to be "just friends" with me, then she wouldn't be experiencing all this jealousy and anger at the thought of me sleeping with someone else...not even sleeping with them, I mean, we all recall the incident where she freaked just because she thought I kissed someone else. Who knows what she'd do if she thought I slept with someone else.

And yeah, her saying that she just doesn't want to hear about it if it does happen, I mean, what the fuck? I may have issues with being able to tell her I love her, but is it any wonder why? She doesn't want to be with me until she thinks that I'm ready to date...but what the hell, what if when, in her eyes, I am ready to date, I'm already dating someone else? I think she would prefer that I just lead a semi- or completely celibate life until she's ready for me. Or maybe not, she did tell me to go out and date, again with the not wanting to know and not wanting me to shove it in her face.

Seriously, have a little more faith in me than that. Does she really think that I would broadcast my exploits over a MySpace survey or some other crap? If the only thing I needed was just to get laid like I would ever let it be with anyone that would have even the slightest chance to get back to her. I'm not that fucking stupid. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, she knows about a pretty good portion of it, but throwing my exploits in the face of the girl I love simply because she won't put out...that's not me.

Granted, I did tell her that I think the ex wanted me to cheat on her, but the only reason I said that is because I figured it would make it easier for her to break up with me (the ex that is), that and she definitely wasn't putting out (and would flat out tell me, no, we're never having sex, like she was repulsed by me or something). So either cheat and break up, or break up and then get some were my only options. I don't believe in cheating though, so again I almost went blind with too much masturbation, but I at least waited until we were officially over to get a little tail.

I can't wait to get out of here. And unlike when kc was in Hawaii, at least in Ireland I won't have cell reception. So, she can sit and think about me and do whatever the fuck she wants while I'm gone. She is going to watch my house and water my plants and I told her she could study there if she needed someplace quiet to go. But, there won't be any nightly texts or even random ones, and certainly no drunk ones. So she can miss me and I'm sure I'll miss her, and maybe when I get back she'll have figured some shit out.