Torn Up

I'm still doing it. I'm still torturing myself and I know I'm doing it and I still can't help but do it. I mean, I've accepted it, I know that she doesn't want to have sex with me, and yet every morning that I wake up next to her I want her. I want to rip all her fucking clothes off and make her squeal with delight. I want to throw her up against a wall and shake her and make her realize what she is missing out on.

Maybe that's my problem. I keep letting myself wake up next to her. But I love snuggling with her and feeling her next to me. But I deserve to wake up next to someone who wants to have a little roll in the hay when they wake up next to me, or one before they fall asleep next to me. I deserve to have someone love me like I love them. And I know that keeping myself in this situation is making me emotionally unavailable to anyone else who may be able to make me happy.

Why am I still holding a torch for kc? I know she isn't holding one for me, although at least this morning she did say she was sad about the situation and that it was fucked up. But until she can work through her commitment issues it's never going to work. And it's not like I wanted all that much of a commitment, I just wanted to be able to say she was my girlfriend without having to preface it with "it's really complicated, but basically she's my girlfriend". Or "well, we're not seeing other people so I guess she's my girlfriend". I just wanted her to be able to say it without having to go, well, it's hard to explain, or, it's just easier to say it that way even though I don't really mean it.

I mean really, would it have been so hard for her? We had been seeing each other, dating if you will, for almost a year. Other couples I know have already dropped L bombs after 3 months, so would it have been so hard for her to say, confidently, that I was her girlfriend, after almost a year? It's not as if I was asking to move in, or even dropped an L bomb myself, I just wanted her to be my girlfriend.

I'm done torturing myself and thinking that I was the only one who played a part in the demise of our relationship. Yes, I withdrew, and yes, I had some issues that were present when we met, but she knew those things and still chose to be there. She chose to be present and to make herself available to me, and she made me feel better, and she made me happy, but she was fucking crazy to think that I, let alone anyone, wouldn't want something more after almost a year of dating. In fact, most girls would have pressed for something more a lot sooner, and it's not as if I was pressing for much of anything except a little recognition as to what the situation really was.

So screw it. I know I shouldn't be snuggling with her, but I know I probably will. I also know that I will be getting my ass out there to meet other people when I can. I will accept invitations to parties and outings and I will hang out with the rugby girls and I will have fun outside of hanging out with kc.