The truth serum. How the hell am I supposed to move on when she sends me fucking texts at 4:45am (yeah, that's right, 15 minutes before I get up for work) that ask if she can come and sleep with me? I'm sure she was not sober when she sent it, and when I got to work I had an e-mail that said she had a really crappy night. Not my fault, GFY!
What, suddenly I'm good enough when you're having a bad day? You don't want me to sleep at your house because it would be too uncomfortable, but when you need a snuggle buddy and someone to comfort you, now I'm the one? I don't get it.
We had a mini text-a-thon last night about how I'm confused about where we are at right now. Are we friends, friends with benefits, or something else? She said that we probably couldn't be friends with benefits because she wants to date other people and she knows that I'm not down with that. Okay fine, but then WTF, why are you sending me these messages that you want to come sleep with me? And at my house? Usually she only wants me to go down to her house, she never really asks if she can come to my house so that just makes it more bizarre.
So, I sent her a reply about an hour later (I didn't even realize I had the text until I got out of the shower and ready to leave for work) that said I was on my way to work but if she wanted to come watch rugby and come up afterward then that was fine. I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I figure that when she comes to sometime this afternoon she'll check her phone and see what she wrote, and then bail on coming up tonight. I mean, I'd be pretty shocked if she did want to come over tonight, though if she does she's just going to have to wait until I'm done having a couple beverages with the team after our games tonight.
But again, I doubt that she'll come up, unless her day yesterday was really that bad. I can't imagine how it would be, unless h hooked up with someone else, in which case I don't really want to hear about it. I mean, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for her? This is exactly how she has made me feel. I could feign sympathy, but she'd see right through it. Maybe something else happened, maybe she had an epiphany, maybe she went to hit on a girl and got completely denied, although I don't see how any of those reasons would make her want to come and snuggle with me that badly. It's just highly unusual (I know, I repeat myself, but this is just fucking weird) for her to ask to come to my place.
I don't know. We'll see what happens this evening. I have to give her the CD I burnt of all the pictures from our backpacking trip. I told her I'd give it to her at rugby tonight if she wanted. Who knows, maybe she'll come to rugby and then want to come to my house. That'd probably fuck me in the head a little bit, but I like snuggling with her and sleeping with her, it's just hard to keep my hands off of her when she's right there.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Peace Out...
Yeah, it's time to move on. If kc wants back into my life then she knows what to do and where to find me. There's too much tension when I'm at her house, but at least s will be gone for 3 weeks. However, kc and h are going on a road trip to see kc's family for 10 days and then probably to visit s for a long weekend. At least peacing myself out of the situation should be easy since she won't even be around.
Let me go back to Wednesday night. I had rugby down in the city and had asked kc earlier in the week if I could just sleep at her house that night since we were leaving for backpacking on Thursday morning. To which she said yes. And then on Wednesday night while I'm getting ready to play she sends me a text that says it would be too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, would I mind just going down in the morning? Uh, well, since I was already packed for the trip and hadn't planned on going home, yes it's a huge pain in my ass. However, at least one of the girls on the team lives close by so I just crashed at her place so I didn't have to drive all over creation.
It actually worked out nicely. sr lives close to kc so I didn't have to drive that far, and I got to hang out and have a drama free evening with some of the girls on the team. If it weren't for them I'd have probably considered jumping off a bridge by now. They keep me sane and don't mind my incessant bitching, well, maybe they do, they just don't tell me.
So then I had to go backpacking for 4 days and 3 nights with kc and ud. And did anything happen? NO! Not that I didn't want it to, maybe she did too, but still...nothing. I did get a backrub one night, but other than that, not much, a little canoodling here and there. I did however get some really good nature pictures and the scenery was beautiful. My legs got torn to shit during the hikes though, but oh well, it just makes me look more hardcore.
So after all of this it's just time to peace out. I don't need this shit. I need someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't going to keep me around just in case. I want her to know why she wants to be with me and she's going to have to work for it. I want her to miss me when I'm gone since she did while I was visiting my aunts. Maybe she'll miss me while she's on her road trip. Maybe she'll finally hook up with h. At this point I don't care. It's too hard with everything else going on in my life to add that to my stress list. Once again, I'm trying to avoid drama. If I can live drama-free for just a little while my sanity will certainly recover. I've got a party to go to this weekend in the city with one of the other rugby teams and there are some cuties on that team that I can flirt with. And who knows, maybe someone will actually be interested in me that doesn't want to be with someone else.
Let me go back to Wednesday night. I had rugby down in the city and had asked kc earlier in the week if I could just sleep at her house that night since we were leaving for backpacking on Thursday morning. To which she said yes. And then on Wednesday night while I'm getting ready to play she sends me a text that says it would be too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, would I mind just going down in the morning? Uh, well, since I was already packed for the trip and hadn't planned on going home, yes it's a huge pain in my ass. However, at least one of the girls on the team lives close by so I just crashed at her place so I didn't have to drive all over creation.
It actually worked out nicely. sr lives close to kc so I didn't have to drive that far, and I got to hang out and have a drama free evening with some of the girls on the team. If it weren't for them I'd have probably considered jumping off a bridge by now. They keep me sane and don't mind my incessant bitching, well, maybe they do, they just don't tell me.
So then I had to go backpacking for 4 days and 3 nights with kc and ud. And did anything happen? NO! Not that I didn't want it to, maybe she did too, but still...nothing. I did get a backrub one night, but other than that, not much, a little canoodling here and there. I did however get some really good nature pictures and the scenery was beautiful. My legs got torn to shit during the hikes though, but oh well, it just makes me look more hardcore.
So after all of this it's just time to peace out. I don't need this shit. I need someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't going to keep me around just in case. I want her to know why she wants to be with me and she's going to have to work for it. I want her to miss me when I'm gone since she did while I was visiting my aunts. Maybe she'll miss me while she's on her road trip. Maybe she'll finally hook up with h. At this point I don't care. It's too hard with everything else going on in my life to add that to my stress list. Once again, I'm trying to avoid drama. If I can live drama-free for just a little while my sanity will certainly recover. I've got a party to go to this weekend in the city with one of the other rugby teams and there are some cuties on that team that I can flirt with. And who knows, maybe someone will actually be interested in me that doesn't want to be with someone else.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Trepedition...
Synonymous with anxiety. Why am I having it? I think I just want it over with. I just can't take the not knowing, there are too many other things going on right now in my life. I just can't take the anxiousness, the will she/won't she crap, it's making me sick. Not just sick in the head, literally, physically ill. I can't lose any more fucking weight but I can't put any on because I have no desire to eat.
I have a weight I can't go below (140lbs, yes, I will admit what I weigh, you readers have no idea who I am and I'm not that shy about it anyway). I stepped on the scale this morning and that's where I was at. I have been hovering right above it for the last few weeks at a solid 142lbs, but this morning was not so good.
And I have to go backpacking with kc for 4 days. Backpacking is already a physically exerting hobby, one I enjoy immensely, however one in which you also tend to lose a little weight during just because of the pack you're carrying around and the hiking. I'm going to be carrying a pack that weighs close to 40lbs (maybe a little more, I didn't put it on the scale this time) and hiking 4 miles in one day. The next day will be a lot of hiking, but at least not with the pack on, but still, exerting a lot of energy.
I also really wanted to have some nice hot sex with kc in the tent, however with the whole h thing I'm not really sure what is going on. She hasn't really talked to me about it, although when I go to her house tonight after rugby (we're leaving early tomorrow morning otherwise I wouldn't be spending the night there) she probably will. And knowing her it'll be right before I want to fall asleep in which case I won't be able to sleep, or I'll cry myself to sleep. God, why did I have to start falling for this girl?
And to add shit to the already waist deep pile I'm in, d is going to come down and watch some rugby with r, and my friend who she thinks is cute isn't going to be there. That sucks. I really don't want to hurt d's feelings, but she doesn't do it for me. She seems like she could be a really nice friend and all, but even when I was hammered there was no attraction to her at all, and booze is the ultimate truth serum. And I think that if she knew the full story of what was going on with kc she might get her hopes up and I don't want her to because I'm just not going to fall into her lap, ever.
And then talking with cal at lunch yesterday, I realized that part of my problem with guarding myself at kc's house, is that I'm not really sure how I feel about s. I can't tell if she is being sincere with me or what she is telling kc when I'm not around. I just get this vibe from her that I should watch myself around her, and I'm sure she picks up on it, but I don't care. I can't control that feeling that I get. And I know she's pushing kc to be with h, or at least that's what it feels like. She's already got a fairly controlling grip on kc as it is. I mean, the other week they both came down to watch my rugby game, they saw the first one and then s wanted to go get something to eat and kc wanted to stay and watch the second game. I mean, it's 7 minute halves for crying out loud, s couldn't wait another 15 minutes to leave and go eat? So they left even though kc wanted to stay.
I'm not really sure what is going on with those two. I mean, kc has at least flat out told me that she likes h. But where does s fit into all of this? I am starting to think that it's a situation similar to that of me and d, d really likes me (s really likes kc), however I am not attracted and have no sexual feelings toward d (kc has already told me that s is only a friend and she could never like her like that). Except that I know what's going on with d, and if it's what I think it is with s, then kc has no fucking idea. I think that s just likes having kc around since I don't see her doing too many things outside of the house without kc. And if kc was dating me I would want her to come to my house more, in which case she wouldn't be there to pal around with s.
See where my fucking problems are? This is what makes me sick in the head, this is what gives me anxiety, this is what is making me lose weight. Seriously, if shit doesn't change over the next 4 days, I really just need to tell kc that I need some space for a while. She can keep in contact with me if she wants to, I'd like that, but I can't hang out with her at her house. We can go mountain biking and stuff, but we can't snuggle and take naps and do all of the other stuff that I like doing. I'll find someone else to fuck. And eventually I will find someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. Eventually.
Eventually I will find someone who wants to take me out to dinner, who wants to buy me flowers, who will hug me and snuggle with me and fit into me as well as she does. Someone who won't freak out about my past, but someone who will understand if I am a little guarded at first. Someone who will push for me to open myself up, but someone who won't run away when I do. Someone who will make me soup when I am sick and someone who will cook me dinner at night, someone who is stable, and comfortable, and sure of themselves, sure enough of me to help me when I hit a rough patch. Someone who can fuck me as good as she does, who is adventurous like me, who won't freak out if I want some time to myself, who doesn't need to be around me all the time, but still does want to be around me and will make the effort to do so, especially if we live in different towns.
That's who I want. I don't know why I want her to be that, she obviously isn't, at least not the excited to be with me part. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I have never won when someone has had to choose between me or someone else, I don't know why I think that things would have changed for me now. Three times now, well, I guess 4 if you count this situation, I have never been the one that someone has chosen. Maybe I watch too many sappy romantic movies, but just once I'd like to be the one. I'd like to be the one that someone picks, the one they surprise in the middle of the night, the one who gets the happy ending.
I have a weight I can't go below (140lbs, yes, I will admit what I weigh, you readers have no idea who I am and I'm not that shy about it anyway). I stepped on the scale this morning and that's where I was at. I have been hovering right above it for the last few weeks at a solid 142lbs, but this morning was not so good.
And I have to go backpacking with kc for 4 days. Backpacking is already a physically exerting hobby, one I enjoy immensely, however one in which you also tend to lose a little weight during just because of the pack you're carrying around and the hiking. I'm going to be carrying a pack that weighs close to 40lbs (maybe a little more, I didn't put it on the scale this time) and hiking 4 miles in one day. The next day will be a lot of hiking, but at least not with the pack on, but still, exerting a lot of energy.
I also really wanted to have some nice hot sex with kc in the tent, however with the whole h thing I'm not really sure what is going on. She hasn't really talked to me about it, although when I go to her house tonight after rugby (we're leaving early tomorrow morning otherwise I wouldn't be spending the night there) she probably will. And knowing her it'll be right before I want to fall asleep in which case I won't be able to sleep, or I'll cry myself to sleep. God, why did I have to start falling for this girl?
And to add shit to the already waist deep pile I'm in, d is going to come down and watch some rugby with r, and my friend who she thinks is cute isn't going to be there. That sucks. I really don't want to hurt d's feelings, but she doesn't do it for me. She seems like she could be a really nice friend and all, but even when I was hammered there was no attraction to her at all, and booze is the ultimate truth serum. And I think that if she knew the full story of what was going on with kc she might get her hopes up and I don't want her to because I'm just not going to fall into her lap, ever.
And then talking with cal at lunch yesterday, I realized that part of my problem with guarding myself at kc's house, is that I'm not really sure how I feel about s. I can't tell if she is being sincere with me or what she is telling kc when I'm not around. I just get this vibe from her that I should watch myself around her, and I'm sure she picks up on it, but I don't care. I can't control that feeling that I get. And I know she's pushing kc to be with h, or at least that's what it feels like. She's already got a fairly controlling grip on kc as it is. I mean, the other week they both came down to watch my rugby game, they saw the first one and then s wanted to go get something to eat and kc wanted to stay and watch the second game. I mean, it's 7 minute halves for crying out loud, s couldn't wait another 15 minutes to leave and go eat? So they left even though kc wanted to stay.
I'm not really sure what is going on with those two. I mean, kc has at least flat out told me that she likes h. But where does s fit into all of this? I am starting to think that it's a situation similar to that of me and d, d really likes me (s really likes kc), however I am not attracted and have no sexual feelings toward d (kc has already told me that s is only a friend and she could never like her like that). Except that I know what's going on with d, and if it's what I think it is with s, then kc has no fucking idea. I think that s just likes having kc around since I don't see her doing too many things outside of the house without kc. And if kc was dating me I would want her to come to my house more, in which case she wouldn't be there to pal around with s.
See where my fucking problems are? This is what makes me sick in the head, this is what gives me anxiety, this is what is making me lose weight. Seriously, if shit doesn't change over the next 4 days, I really just need to tell kc that I need some space for a while. She can keep in contact with me if she wants to, I'd like that, but I can't hang out with her at her house. We can go mountain biking and stuff, but we can't snuggle and take naps and do all of the other stuff that I like doing. I'll find someone else to fuck. And eventually I will find someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. Eventually.
Eventually I will find someone who wants to take me out to dinner, who wants to buy me flowers, who will hug me and snuggle with me and fit into me as well as she does. Someone who won't freak out about my past, but someone who will understand if I am a little guarded at first. Someone who will push for me to open myself up, but someone who won't run away when I do. Someone who will make me soup when I am sick and someone who will cook me dinner at night, someone who is stable, and comfortable, and sure of themselves, sure enough of me to help me when I hit a rough patch. Someone who can fuck me as good as she does, who is adventurous like me, who won't freak out if I want some time to myself, who doesn't need to be around me all the time, but still does want to be around me and will make the effort to do so, especially if we live in different towns.
That's who I want. I don't know why I want her to be that, she obviously isn't, at least not the excited to be with me part. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I have never won when someone has had to choose between me or someone else, I don't know why I think that things would have changed for me now. Three times now, well, I guess 4 if you count this situation, I have never been the one that someone has chosen. Maybe I watch too many sappy romantic movies, but just once I'd like to be the one. I'd like to be the one that someone picks, the one they surprise in the middle of the night, the one who gets the happy ending.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Complacency or acceptance...
I think it's almost time to write off kc, or at least the chance of us ever being together. Well, let me give a recap of this weekend, because it was a bitchin' weekend after all, at least the good outweighs the bad.
Part I: Friday
Got out of work early and went home to get showered, dressed, and lookin' smoking for the evening. And I did, I was definitely looking hot. kc said that she wasn't going to go to the bar with d, r, and me, but that she would go out to dinner. When I got down to her house h was cooking, so d and r went out and I stayed there and ate. They came back and picked me up. Things were cool, kc told me to get dirty and that I looked hot in the shirt I had on (fuck yeah, that shirt would make my grandma's tits look good, so obviously mine were out there for the world to see), and I almost had her convinced to go out. Yet the powers of persuasion that are s and h were at play so that was a no.
So d, r, and I go out to the bar to get our drink on and get our dance on. Met some of d's friends there, saw some people I knew, and the rugby chick that I wanted to introduce to d showed up so that was awesome. Soon enough we were all a little toasted, d especially, and the music picked up. d groped me on the dance floor, apparently r noticed that she wouldn't stop staring at my chest (well, my fault too, I did put it out there). d ended up cock-blocking another girl from dancing with me, which kinda sucked because I really wanted her to talk to j and see if she was interested or not, and the other girl was taller than me (which I like), and cute, though hopefully that wasn't beer goggles.
Poor d ended up puking in the bathroom and then when I talked to her on Sunday she had no recollection of feeling me up and kept apologizing. I was definitely feeling intoxicated, but certainly not vomitous (thank god). Got back to kc's house and she was passed out on the garage roof with the telescope up there. I woke her up as I was climbing the ladder and she couldn't believe I did it in the shoes I was wearing. Tried to look at the moon through the telescope, it was a nice moment.
Went to snuggle with her in bed and do recall having some drunk conversation about how she is conflicting with the words that she uses with me. How some of the things she says makes me confused as to whether she wants a girlfriend or not and how she was seeing things before. And then I passed out.
Part II: Saturday
kc woke up before me which is unusual, and usually she's content to lay in bed and snuggle with me all morning, which was not the case. That sucked a bit. At least I didn't have a hangover, I was just a little groggy. Later in the morning, s, h, kc, and I rode bikes to the park and played some catch and some frisbee. I was playing in my bikini top which is unusual for me, but I was feeling the confidence after the night before.
Then in the afternoon drove up to the lake for some car camping with dc and jo. That was bitchin, I was really enjoying being out of cell service range so that I didn't have to think about what kc was doing. She was supposed to go camping with s but they ended up chickening out because when they got up there some animal was outside their tent and it scared them. I told her she should've come with me, it would've been fun.
But, I had a good time with dc. She is one of the best friends I think I will ever have. We can talk about anything and be completely honest, because we are so much alike that we know when the other is bullshitting us or themselves. And everyone needs a friend like that. Someone to call you on your crap and tell you when you're deluding yourself and tell you to walk away from someone who will probably break your heart a second time.
Part III: Sunday
Drove back from camping in the late morning. kc had made me a cd so I was listening to that. Didn't turn my cell phone on until I got close to home, didn't want to bother since I figured I didn't have any message anyway. However, I had 3, all from kc. 1) don't bitch too much about me, 2) came back early, had an animal encounter, 3) at k's. Okay, that's cool, k has a pool at her place and it was fuckin' hot outside. But, no invite down there to hang out, go on a hike, nothing. Fine, whatever, I had to unpack my camping stuff and do laundry. Then I was going to go to the movies but there was nothing good playing so I hit up the video store and bought 4 of them, and some Junior Mints. If I want to eat something chocolatey during a movie, those are it.
Ended up having a text-a-thon with d and kc all afternoon while I was watching movies. d kept apologizing for Friday night and what she did, I told her whatever, if I was offended she'd know and that we're still friends so it's cool. She said she thought that j was cute and had a nice smile, so she's going to come down and watch rugby on Wednesday night, so hopefully something happens. Because it's not going to happen with me, I know she likes me, but I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's a cool person and a nice friend, but she just doesn't turn me on, and hopefully she realizes that. Then I asked kc if she wanted to go mountain biking on Monday and she did.
Part IV: Monday
Went mountain biking with kc. The trail is pretty nice, although I remember it being a lot harder last summer. Although last summer was 20 lbs ago and I am in MUCH better shape now than I was then, so that might've helped. We stopped at a little bench and took a breather and then kc felt the need to expunge details about h to me. I guess I wanted to know just to know and I'm glad she's feeling the need to be honest with me, but why does it have to feel like my damn heart is being ripped out every time she does it?
She told me that they've kissed and snuggled and that she could totally see herself being in a long term relationship with h because she's so fucking perfect. I was like, um, okay, well do I play a factor in any of this? She said yes, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. All I kept hearing was how h was fucking with her head because she likes her so much (duh, now she should know how I feel). However, h just got out of a relationship and doesn't want one, plus she lives with kc, and that's a huge x mark because kc doesn't like to live with her girlfriends. They were supposed to have a talk last night and kc thought that h was going to tell her that they couldn't do anything more that they could only be friends. So who the fuck knows what happened with that, all I know is that kc sent me a text last night that she didn't want to talk about it. I assume that h told her what kc thought she was going to say, who knows. I've got a 4 day backpacking trip coming up in 2 days with kc anyway, so I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about it then.
I told her that if she does ever want to date me that she is going to have to prove to me that I am not a consolation prize, that she doesn't want to be with me only because h doesn't want to be with her. Guess I'll see if that ever happens, in the meantime, can't hurt to keep my options open and flirt with whatever fucking rugby girls I want. There's supposed to be a big party in 2 weeks which I'll be going to, not inviting kc along with me, and then maybe I can get her out of my fucking head for a night and see if I like any of the girls at the party. God I hope so because I think that this girl could really do a number on me, possibly worse than she already has, and that scares the shit out of me.
WTF? I should just walk away now before I get hurt again. It's just so damn hard to. It's hard having feelings for someone who has those feelings for someone else. Unrequited anything just sucks ass. I almost wish kc told me that she had sex with h, because then it would be so much easier to walk away. But then I am glad that they didn't. I can't decide.
Part I: Friday
Got out of work early and went home to get showered, dressed, and lookin' smoking for the evening. And I did, I was definitely looking hot. kc said that she wasn't going to go to the bar with d, r, and me, but that she would go out to dinner. When I got down to her house h was cooking, so d and r went out and I stayed there and ate. They came back and picked me up. Things were cool, kc told me to get dirty and that I looked hot in the shirt I had on (fuck yeah, that shirt would make my grandma's tits look good, so obviously mine were out there for the world to see), and I almost had her convinced to go out. Yet the powers of persuasion that are s and h were at play so that was a no.
So d, r, and I go out to the bar to get our drink on and get our dance on. Met some of d's friends there, saw some people I knew, and the rugby chick that I wanted to introduce to d showed up so that was awesome. Soon enough we were all a little toasted, d especially, and the music picked up. d groped me on the dance floor, apparently r noticed that she wouldn't stop staring at my chest (well, my fault too, I did put it out there). d ended up cock-blocking another girl from dancing with me, which kinda sucked because I really wanted her to talk to j and see if she was interested or not, and the other girl was taller than me (which I like), and cute, though hopefully that wasn't beer goggles.
Poor d ended up puking in the bathroom and then when I talked to her on Sunday she had no recollection of feeling me up and kept apologizing. I was definitely feeling intoxicated, but certainly not vomitous (thank god). Got back to kc's house and she was passed out on the garage roof with the telescope up there. I woke her up as I was climbing the ladder and she couldn't believe I did it in the shoes I was wearing. Tried to look at the moon through the telescope, it was a nice moment.
Went to snuggle with her in bed and do recall having some drunk conversation about how she is conflicting with the words that she uses with me. How some of the things she says makes me confused as to whether she wants a girlfriend or not and how she was seeing things before. And then I passed out.
Part II: Saturday
kc woke up before me which is unusual, and usually she's content to lay in bed and snuggle with me all morning, which was not the case. That sucked a bit. At least I didn't have a hangover, I was just a little groggy. Later in the morning, s, h, kc, and I rode bikes to the park and played some catch and some frisbee. I was playing in my bikini top which is unusual for me, but I was feeling the confidence after the night before.
Then in the afternoon drove up to the lake for some car camping with dc and jo. That was bitchin, I was really enjoying being out of cell service range so that I didn't have to think about what kc was doing. She was supposed to go camping with s but they ended up chickening out because when they got up there some animal was outside their tent and it scared them. I told her she should've come with me, it would've been fun.
But, I had a good time with dc. She is one of the best friends I think I will ever have. We can talk about anything and be completely honest, because we are so much alike that we know when the other is bullshitting us or themselves. And everyone needs a friend like that. Someone to call you on your crap and tell you when you're deluding yourself and tell you to walk away from someone who will probably break your heart a second time.
Part III: Sunday
Drove back from camping in the late morning. kc had made me a cd so I was listening to that. Didn't turn my cell phone on until I got close to home, didn't want to bother since I figured I didn't have any message anyway. However, I had 3, all from kc. 1) don't bitch too much about me, 2) came back early, had an animal encounter, 3) at k's. Okay, that's cool, k has a pool at her place and it was fuckin' hot outside. But, no invite down there to hang out, go on a hike, nothing. Fine, whatever, I had to unpack my camping stuff and do laundry. Then I was going to go to the movies but there was nothing good playing so I hit up the video store and bought 4 of them, and some Junior Mints. If I want to eat something chocolatey during a movie, those are it.
Ended up having a text-a-thon with d and kc all afternoon while I was watching movies. d kept apologizing for Friday night and what she did, I told her whatever, if I was offended she'd know and that we're still friends so it's cool. She said she thought that j was cute and had a nice smile, so she's going to come down and watch rugby on Wednesday night, so hopefully something happens. Because it's not going to happen with me, I know she likes me, but I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's a cool person and a nice friend, but she just doesn't turn me on, and hopefully she realizes that. Then I asked kc if she wanted to go mountain biking on Monday and she did.
Part IV: Monday
Went mountain biking with kc. The trail is pretty nice, although I remember it being a lot harder last summer. Although last summer was 20 lbs ago and I am in MUCH better shape now than I was then, so that might've helped. We stopped at a little bench and took a breather and then kc felt the need to expunge details about h to me. I guess I wanted to know just to know and I'm glad she's feeling the need to be honest with me, but why does it have to feel like my damn heart is being ripped out every time she does it?
She told me that they've kissed and snuggled and that she could totally see herself being in a long term relationship with h because she's so fucking perfect. I was like, um, okay, well do I play a factor in any of this? She said yes, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. All I kept hearing was how h was fucking with her head because she likes her so much (duh, now she should know how I feel). However, h just got out of a relationship and doesn't want one, plus she lives with kc, and that's a huge x mark because kc doesn't like to live with her girlfriends. They were supposed to have a talk last night and kc thought that h was going to tell her that they couldn't do anything more that they could only be friends. So who the fuck knows what happened with that, all I know is that kc sent me a text last night that she didn't want to talk about it. I assume that h told her what kc thought she was going to say, who knows. I've got a 4 day backpacking trip coming up in 2 days with kc anyway, so I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about it then.
I told her that if she does ever want to date me that she is going to have to prove to me that I am not a consolation prize, that she doesn't want to be with me only because h doesn't want to be with her. Guess I'll see if that ever happens, in the meantime, can't hurt to keep my options open and flirt with whatever fucking rugby girls I want. There's supposed to be a big party in 2 weeks which I'll be going to, not inviting kc along with me, and then maybe I can get her out of my fucking head for a night and see if I like any of the girls at the party. God I hope so because I think that this girl could really do a number on me, possibly worse than she already has, and that scares the shit out of me.
WTF? I should just walk away now before I get hurt again. It's just so damn hard to. It's hard having feelings for someone who has those feelings for someone else. Unrequited anything just sucks ass. I almost wish kc told me that she had sex with h, because then it would be so much easier to walk away. But then I am glad that they didn't. I can't decide.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Tired but satisfied...
So kc came over last night. I grilled up some delicious dinner, turkey burgers with swiss cheese and mushroom dip. She was only an hour late, but at least she texted to say that she had something to do at 5 and that she might be late since she had to bring s home and then go back to her house to pick something up. So at least I had advanced warning.
While I was cooking we were talking. I had told her that I hadn't been able to fall asleep on Monday night and she asked why and if it was because she hadn't come over on either of the past 2 nights. I told her it was just because I have a lot on my mind with work and everything and that yeah, I was a little bummed she hadn't come over. I told her that if she had just said she wasn't going to come over in the first place it wouldn't have bothered me and I still would have been sending her the dirty texts. At least I'm being honest with her and telling her what's going on. Then she asked about how much time I thought that we should be seeing each other compared to how it was at first. I told her that maybe a little less, she said she had no idea. I just said that I would do what I had to do, she does what she has to do, and then we can meet up in between. I'm not sure how much she took to that answer, but it's the only one I can come up with.
When we first met I think that we spent way too much time together and moved things along far too quickly. I don't want to make that mistake again, I want to enjoy the ride and not feel rushed along. I want her to take me on dates and make plans with me instead of just assuming that I'm going down to her house for the weekend. I'm going to keep making plans with the rugby team and with my other friends and then do what I can with her. I can't be making plans with her then the rugby team then my other friends. Maybe at some point she will increase in the pecking order, but that will be after we have a relationship, which since she has some abherrent hatred of the word, I don't see that happening any time soon.
And then it was time to scare the poor girl who was watching the dogs. Not sure how much of it she heard, I'm sure it was at least some, but whatever, I don't think she was at the house for most of it. I can't be like that when the people I'm staying with are home so I had to get it out while they weren't there. And thank god kc's sex drive is back because I didn't care what time we went to sleep. There is something that makes me think that she does have some developing (if not serious) feelings for me. Her profusive use of saying how much she loves having me do certain things. I think it's just the fact that she says she loves them (because both of us agree that dropping an "L" bomb too early in a relationship is just a really bad idea) and actually uses the "L" word. It's both scary and endearing at the same time.
As things were getting heated she said that she thought we were just supposed to be friends. I told her it's too bad she turns me on so much and she said it's the same with me. So, who knows where things are right now, but at least we're both getting what we want. If I want her to take me on a date then I'll tell her, until then I guess we'll leave it at the friends with benefits part.
On Friday we're supposed to go out to First Friday, the monthly gathering of lesbians anywhere close to the city. It's a meat market pretty much. d is going to pick me up at kc's house and then kc and s are going to drive separately. I told kc that she should try to pick me up, I mean, she already knows that I'm going home with her if she wants it (which she does), but I want to see her pick-up style and what kind of an effort she would put in if she had no idea who I was. Plus I think it'll be fun. I can flirt with her like I would with any other girl who was trying to pick me up, give her the eye, the brush by, and whatever other flirting moves I have, along with being able to shake my ass on the dance floor.
My friend dc and I are going camping on Saturday and I guess now kc and s are going to join us. kc said her and s were going to go camping in the area that we are in, so I told her they should just go with dc, j, and I, the more the merrier. That should be a good time and then maybe I can break in my tent.
The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, let's hope it lives up to my expectations. I have the evening free tonight, but I'll probably end up getting all my camping stuff together and figure out what I need to replace that the ex took. Then have softball on Thursday night. Told kc she could come and watch if she wanted and if she wanted I would go over to her house after the game, but that I was going out with the team afterward for some wings and beer. Not going to skimp on hang time.
So things are picking up. I'm a lot happier right now than I have been in the past few months. Finally getting laid again. Getting to know the rugby girls a lot better and going to take my time with kc. Playing sports that I love to play and meeting lots of new people. So aside from being tired as hell today, I'm seeing the bright side of my life.
While I was cooking we were talking. I had told her that I hadn't been able to fall asleep on Monday night and she asked why and if it was because she hadn't come over on either of the past 2 nights. I told her it was just because I have a lot on my mind with work and everything and that yeah, I was a little bummed she hadn't come over. I told her that if she had just said she wasn't going to come over in the first place it wouldn't have bothered me and I still would have been sending her the dirty texts. At least I'm being honest with her and telling her what's going on. Then she asked about how much time I thought that we should be seeing each other compared to how it was at first. I told her that maybe a little less, she said she had no idea. I just said that I would do what I had to do, she does what she has to do, and then we can meet up in between. I'm not sure how much she took to that answer, but it's the only one I can come up with.
When we first met I think that we spent way too much time together and moved things along far too quickly. I don't want to make that mistake again, I want to enjoy the ride and not feel rushed along. I want her to take me on dates and make plans with me instead of just assuming that I'm going down to her house for the weekend. I'm going to keep making plans with the rugby team and with my other friends and then do what I can with her. I can't be making plans with her then the rugby team then my other friends. Maybe at some point she will increase in the pecking order, but that will be after we have a relationship, which since she has some abherrent hatred of the word, I don't see that happening any time soon.
And then it was time to scare the poor girl who was watching the dogs. Not sure how much of it she heard, I'm sure it was at least some, but whatever, I don't think she was at the house for most of it. I can't be like that when the people I'm staying with are home so I had to get it out while they weren't there. And thank god kc's sex drive is back because I didn't care what time we went to sleep. There is something that makes me think that she does have some developing (if not serious) feelings for me. Her profusive use of saying how much she loves having me do certain things. I think it's just the fact that she says she loves them (because both of us agree that dropping an "L" bomb too early in a relationship is just a really bad idea) and actually uses the "L" word. It's both scary and endearing at the same time.
As things were getting heated she said that she thought we were just supposed to be friends. I told her it's too bad she turns me on so much and she said it's the same with me. So, who knows where things are right now, but at least we're both getting what we want. If I want her to take me on a date then I'll tell her, until then I guess we'll leave it at the friends with benefits part.
On Friday we're supposed to go out to First Friday, the monthly gathering of lesbians anywhere close to the city. It's a meat market pretty much. d is going to pick me up at kc's house and then kc and s are going to drive separately. I told kc that she should try to pick me up, I mean, she already knows that I'm going home with her if she wants it (which she does), but I want to see her pick-up style and what kind of an effort she would put in if she had no idea who I was. Plus I think it'll be fun. I can flirt with her like I would with any other girl who was trying to pick me up, give her the eye, the brush by, and whatever other flirting moves I have, along with being able to shake my ass on the dance floor.
My friend dc and I are going camping on Saturday and I guess now kc and s are going to join us. kc said her and s were going to go camping in the area that we are in, so I told her they should just go with dc, j, and I, the more the merrier. That should be a good time and then maybe I can break in my tent.
The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, let's hope it lives up to my expectations. I have the evening free tonight, but I'll probably end up getting all my camping stuff together and figure out what I need to replace that the ex took. Then have softball on Thursday night. Told kc she could come and watch if she wanted and if she wanted I would go over to her house after the game, but that I was going out with the team afterward for some wings and beer. Not going to skimp on hang time.
So things are picking up. I'm a lot happier right now than I have been in the past few months. Finally getting laid again. Getting to know the rugby girls a lot better and going to take my time with kc. Playing sports that I love to play and meeting lots of new people. So aside from being tired as hell today, I'm seeing the bright side of my life.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Hmmm...
If she wants to then why doesn't she? She knows I want to. Does she think that telling me that she wants to but can't is any sort of consolation? If she didn't do a damn thing all day because her roommates are jobless and just sit around sucking her into their pit then the least she could do is muster some fucking energy to come and see me and make good on the texts. I mean, it's not like all her damn energy was expelled doing work on her house (which she should be doing because that's her usual excuse for not coming to see me) so WTF? Get yourself out of the fucking coma you're in and do something that you want to do besides sit on your ass. You're not that person who can just sit around all day and I'm sure it's killing you that you have been.
Oh well, sent her an invite for dinner, also thinking about inviting d and her mom. There's certainly no way I could eat all that turkey burger and dip myself. Still going cook it, nothing special for her by any means, was going to do it anyway, but she's been saying she's going to come over all weekend long, so hopefully she does. If not then I've got lunch for the rest of the week at work.
Speaking of work...
Nothing yet. Haven't heard anything about any of the jobs I've applied for and still waiting to hear how my interview with the company went. Not sure if I want the job if they offer it to me anyway, though I'd probably take it just so I wouldn't be unemployed. However the shift isn't really a desireable one, I don't want to work on the weekend, even if I do get offered the Sunday-Wednesday shift. I've done my weekend time and it sucks. I guess I'm spoiled right now with my shift, but there are plenty of other jobs out there that don't require weekend work. I really want to hear back from the geology people, I would get to spend my days caving. I know I don't have that much experience and I certainly don't have a degree in geology, but at least I do have 2 science degrees and caving is becoming a hobby of mine. So I'll see how that goes, just keep putting myself out there, hopefully something will come along.
Oh well, sent her an invite for dinner, also thinking about inviting d and her mom. There's certainly no way I could eat all that turkey burger and dip myself. Still going cook it, nothing special for her by any means, was going to do it anyway, but she's been saying she's going to come over all weekend long, so hopefully she does. If not then I've got lunch for the rest of the week at work.
Speaking of work...
Nothing yet. Haven't heard anything about any of the jobs I've applied for and still waiting to hear how my interview with the company went. Not sure if I want the job if they offer it to me anyway, though I'd probably take it just so I wouldn't be unemployed. However the shift isn't really a desireable one, I don't want to work on the weekend, even if I do get offered the Sunday-Wednesday shift. I've done my weekend time and it sucks. I guess I'm spoiled right now with my shift, but there are plenty of other jobs out there that don't require weekend work. I really want to hear back from the geology people, I would get to spend my days caving. I know I don't have that much experience and I certainly don't have a degree in geology, but at least I do have 2 science degrees and caving is becoming a hobby of mine. So I'll see how that goes, just keep putting myself out there, hopefully something will come along.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Am I dumb?
I think I am. Why on earth would I think that things would possibly change? Oh yeah, because she wanted them to. Maybe sleeping with kc wasn't such a good idea. Either that, or she just really needs to figure out what she wants, and she needs to figure it out fast. I mean, she told me that I could go down on Friday night to watch h's show with her and s, but that I couldn't stay over. However, we got back to her place around midnight and then we all stayed up playing cards and drinking. Suddently it was 4am and I was tired. I told her I would drive home but she said to go upstairs to her bed. God damn that girl turns me on and so of course I wanted to be naughty but so did she. Ended up falling asleep around 6am or so, the birds were waking up and the sun was shining. She said she wanted to stay in bed all day and snuggle with me, but she had things to do and I had some rugby stuff in the afternoon. Had a nice make-out good-bye before I left and things were good. And then yesterday happened.
She doesn't want to watch me flirt and hook up with other girls...okay fine, but if she's not going to be doing it then it's her loss. I mean, don't send me dirty texts about stuff you want me to do to you, say that you want to come over, and then bail on me. At least if I knew she wasn't going to come over then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I still would've been sending the dirty texts, but at least I wouldn't have been under the impression that they were going to be fulfilled, at least not last night.
So I am holding out and not e-mailing or texting her until she does it first. I'm a little pissed, mostly just because I was really hoping that some of those things would happen, and a little because I spent yet another night fulfilling myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, at least I know how to do it right (not that she doesn't do things right by any means, she is fantastic, and actually told me that I'm the best at a certain act that she's ever had), it's just I was really looking forward to her doing it.
Well, maybe she'll get her ass up to my place tonight. The people I'm staying with are out of town until Wednesday night, so it's either tonight or tomorrow before I have to worry about how loud we are. We're supposed to go to First Friday this week and she's going to get to watch me shake my ass with whoever wants to dance with me, probably mostly d, but I'm going to introduce her to one of the girls on my rugby team, so we'll see how that goes. Then maybe it'll remind her, yet again, that I'm hot, other girls want me, and if she doesn't jump onboard soon this ship is sailing. Either that or I just need to go about my business as usual, looking for other chicks to date, and getting my flirt on.
She doesn't want to watch me flirt and hook up with other girls...okay fine, but if she's not going to be doing it then it's her loss. I mean, don't send me dirty texts about stuff you want me to do to you, say that you want to come over, and then bail on me. At least if I knew she wasn't going to come over then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I still would've been sending the dirty texts, but at least I wouldn't have been under the impression that they were going to be fulfilled, at least not last night.
So I am holding out and not e-mailing or texting her until she does it first. I'm a little pissed, mostly just because I was really hoping that some of those things would happen, and a little because I spent yet another night fulfilling myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, at least I know how to do it right (not that she doesn't do things right by any means, she is fantastic, and actually told me that I'm the best at a certain act that she's ever had), it's just I was really looking forward to her doing it.
Well, maybe she'll get her ass up to my place tonight. The people I'm staying with are out of town until Wednesday night, so it's either tonight or tomorrow before I have to worry about how loud we are. We're supposed to go to First Friday this week and she's going to get to watch me shake my ass with whoever wants to dance with me, probably mostly d, but I'm going to introduce her to one of the girls on my rugby team, so we'll see how that goes. Then maybe it'll remind her, yet again, that I'm hot, other girls want me, and if she doesn't jump onboard soon this ship is sailing. Either that or I just need to go about my business as usual, looking for other chicks to date, and getting my flirt on.
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