Trepedition...

Synonymous with anxiety. Why am I having it? I think I just want it over with. I just can't take the not knowing, there are too many other things going on right now in my life. I just can't take the anxiousness, the will she/won't she crap, it's making me sick. Not just sick in the head, literally, physically ill. I can't lose any more fucking weight but I can't put any on because I have no desire to eat.

I have a weight I can't go below (140lbs, yes, I will admit what I weigh, you readers have no idea who I am and I'm not that shy about it anyway). I stepped on the scale this morning and that's where I was at. I have been hovering right above it for the last few weeks at a solid 142lbs, but this morning was not so good.

And I have to go backpacking with kc for 4 days. Backpacking is already a physically exerting hobby, one I enjoy immensely, however one in which you also tend to lose a little weight during just because of the pack you're carrying around and the hiking. I'm going to be carrying a pack that weighs close to 40lbs (maybe a little more, I didn't put it on the scale this time) and hiking 4 miles in one day. The next day will be a lot of hiking, but at least not with the pack on, but still, exerting a lot of energy.

I also really wanted to have some nice hot sex with kc in the tent, however with the whole h thing I'm not really sure what is going on. She hasn't really talked to me about it, although when I go to her house tonight after rugby (we're leaving early tomorrow morning otherwise I wouldn't be spending the night there) she probably will. And knowing her it'll be right before I want to fall asleep in which case I won't be able to sleep, or I'll cry myself to sleep. God, why did I have to start falling for this girl?

And to add shit to the already waist deep pile I'm in, d is going to come down and watch some rugby with r, and my friend who she thinks is cute isn't going to be there. That sucks. I really don't want to hurt d's feelings, but she doesn't do it for me. She seems like she could be a really nice friend and all, but even when I was hammered there was no attraction to her at all, and booze is the ultimate truth serum. And I think that if she knew the full story of what was going on with kc she might get her hopes up and I don't want her to because I'm just not going to fall into her lap, ever.

And then talking with cal at lunch yesterday, I realized that part of my problem with guarding myself at kc's house, is that I'm not really sure how I feel about s. I can't tell if she is being sincere with me or what she is telling kc when I'm not around. I just get this vibe from her that I should watch myself around her, and I'm sure she picks up on it, but I don't care. I can't control that feeling that I get. And I know she's pushing kc to be with h, or at least that's what it feels like. She's already got a fairly controlling grip on kc as it is. I mean, the other week they both came down to watch my rugby game, they saw the first one and then s wanted to go get something to eat and kc wanted to stay and watch the second game. I mean, it's 7 minute halves for crying out loud, s couldn't wait another 15 minutes to leave and go eat? So they left even though kc wanted to stay.

I'm not really sure what is going on with those two. I mean, kc has at least flat out told me that she likes h. But where does s fit into all of this? I am starting to think that it's a situation similar to that of me and d, d really likes me (s really likes kc), however I am not attracted and have no sexual feelings toward d (kc has already told me that s is only a friend and she could never like her like that). Except that I know what's going on with d, and if it's what I think it is with s, then kc has no fucking idea. I think that s just likes having kc around since I don't see her doing too many things outside of the house without kc. And if kc was dating me I would want her to come to my house more, in which case she wouldn't be there to pal around with s.

See where my fucking problems are? This is what makes me sick in the head, this is what gives me anxiety, this is what is making me lose weight. Seriously, if shit doesn't change over the next 4 days, I really just need to tell kc that I need some space for a while. She can keep in contact with me if she wants to, I'd like that, but I can't hang out with her at her house. We can go mountain biking and stuff, but we can't snuggle and take naps and do all of the other stuff that I like doing. I'll find someone else to fuck. And eventually I will find someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. Eventually.

Eventually I will find someone who wants to take me out to dinner, who wants to buy me flowers, who will hug me and snuggle with me and fit into me as well as she does. Someone who won't freak out about my past, but someone who will understand if I am a little guarded at first. Someone who will push for me to open myself up, but someone who won't run away when I do. Someone who will make me soup when I am sick and someone who will cook me dinner at night, someone who is stable, and comfortable, and sure of themselves, sure enough of me to help me when I hit a rough patch. Someone who can fuck me as good as she does, who is adventurous like me, who won't freak out if I want some time to myself, who doesn't need to be around me all the time, but still does want to be around me and will make the effort to do so, especially if we live in different towns.

That's who I want. I don't know why I want her to be that, she obviously isn't, at least not the excited to be with me part. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I have never won when someone has had to choose between me or someone else, I don't know why I think that things would have changed for me now. Three times now, well, I guess 4 if you count this situation, I have never been the one that someone has chosen. Maybe I watch too many sappy romantic movies, but just once I'd like to be the one. I'd like to be the one that someone picks, the one they surprise in the middle of the night, the one who gets the happy ending.