Complacency or acceptance...

I think it's almost time to write off kc, or at least the chance of us ever being together. Well, let me give a recap of this weekend, because it was a bitchin' weekend after all, at least the good outweighs the bad.

Part I: Friday

Got out of work early and went home to get showered, dressed, and lookin' smoking for the evening. And I did, I was definitely looking hot. kc said that she wasn't going to go to the bar with d, r, and me, but that she would go out to dinner. When I got down to her house h was cooking, so d and r went out and I stayed there and ate. They came back and picked me up. Things were cool, kc told me to get dirty and that I looked hot in the shirt I had on (fuck yeah, that shirt would make my grandma's tits look good, so obviously mine were out there for the world to see), and I almost had her convinced to go out. Yet the powers of persuasion that are s and h were at play so that was a no.

So d, r, and I go out to the bar to get our drink on and get our dance on. Met some of d's friends there, saw some people I knew, and the rugby chick that I wanted to introduce to d showed up so that was awesome. Soon enough we were all a little toasted, d especially, and the music picked up. d groped me on the dance floor, apparently r noticed that she wouldn't stop staring at my chest (well, my fault too, I did put it out there). d ended up cock-blocking another girl from dancing with me, which kinda sucked because I really wanted her to talk to j and see if she was interested or not, and the other girl was taller than me (which I like), and cute, though hopefully that wasn't beer goggles.

Poor d ended up puking in the bathroom and then when I talked to her on Sunday she had no recollection of feeling me up and kept apologizing. I was definitely feeling intoxicated, but certainly not vomitous (thank god). Got back to kc's house and she was passed out on the garage roof with the telescope up there. I woke her up as I was climbing the ladder and she couldn't believe I did it in the shoes I was wearing. Tried to look at the moon through the telescope, it was a nice moment.

Went to snuggle with her in bed and do recall having some drunk conversation about how she is conflicting with the words that she uses with me. How some of the things she says makes me confused as to whether she wants a girlfriend or not and how she was seeing things before. And then I passed out.

Part II: Saturday

kc woke up before me which is unusual, and usually she's content to lay in bed and snuggle with me all morning, which was not the case. That sucked a bit. At least I didn't have a hangover, I was just a little groggy. Later in the morning, s, h, kc, and I rode bikes to the park and played some catch and some frisbee. I was playing in my bikini top which is unusual for me, but I was feeling the confidence after the night before.

Then in the afternoon drove up to the lake for some car camping with dc and jo. That was bitchin, I was really enjoying being out of cell service range so that I didn't have to think about what kc was doing. She was supposed to go camping with s but they ended up chickening out because when they got up there some animal was outside their tent and it scared them. I told her she should've come with me, it would've been fun.

But, I had a good time with dc. She is one of the best friends I think I will ever have. We can talk about anything and be completely honest, because we are so much alike that we know when the other is bullshitting us or themselves. And everyone needs a friend like that. Someone to call you on your crap and tell you when you're deluding yourself and tell you to walk away from someone who will probably break your heart a second time.

Part III: Sunday

Drove back from camping in the late morning. kc had made me a cd so I was listening to that. Didn't turn my cell phone on until I got close to home, didn't want to bother since I figured I didn't have any message anyway. However, I had 3, all from kc. 1) don't bitch too much about me, 2) came back early, had an animal encounter, 3) at k's. Okay, that's cool, k has a pool at her place and it was fuckin' hot outside. But, no invite down there to hang out, go on a hike, nothing. Fine, whatever, I had to unpack my camping stuff and do laundry. Then I was going to go to the movies but there was nothing good playing so I hit up the video store and bought 4 of them, and some Junior Mints. If I want to eat something chocolatey during a movie, those are it.

Ended up having a text-a-thon with d and kc all afternoon while I was watching movies. d kept apologizing for Friday night and what she did, I told her whatever, if I was offended she'd know and that we're still friends so it's cool. She said she thought that j was cute and had a nice smile, so she's going to come down and watch rugby on Wednesday night, so hopefully something happens. Because it's not going to happen with me, I know she likes me, but I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's a cool person and a nice friend, but she just doesn't turn me on, and hopefully she realizes that. Then I asked kc if she wanted to go mountain biking on Monday and she did.

Part IV: Monday

Went mountain biking with kc. The trail is pretty nice, although I remember it being a lot harder last summer. Although last summer was 20 lbs ago and I am in MUCH better shape now than I was then, so that might've helped. We stopped at a little bench and took a breather and then kc felt the need to expunge details about h to me. I guess I wanted to know just to know and I'm glad she's feeling the need to be honest with me, but why does it have to feel like my damn heart is being ripped out every time she does it?

She told me that they've kissed and snuggled and that she could totally see herself being in a long term relationship with h because she's so fucking perfect. I was like, um, okay, well do I play a factor in any of this? She said yes, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. All I kept hearing was how h was fucking with her head because she likes her so much (duh, now she should know how I feel). However, h just got out of a relationship and doesn't want one, plus she lives with kc, and that's a huge x mark because kc doesn't like to live with her girlfriends. They were supposed to have a talk last night and kc thought that h was going to tell her that they couldn't do anything more that they could only be friends. So who the fuck knows what happened with that, all I know is that kc sent me a text last night that she didn't want to talk about it. I assume that h told her what kc thought she was going to say, who knows. I've got a 4 day backpacking trip coming up in 2 days with kc anyway, so I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about it then.

I told her that if she does ever want to date me that she is going to have to prove to me that I am not a consolation prize, that she doesn't want to be with me only because h doesn't want to be with her. Guess I'll see if that ever happens, in the meantime, can't hurt to keep my options open and flirt with whatever fucking rugby girls I want. There's supposed to be a big party in 2 weeks which I'll be going to, not inviting kc along with me, and then maybe I can get her out of my fucking head for a night and see if I like any of the girls at the party. God I hope so because I think that this girl could really do a number on me, possibly worse than she already has, and that scares the shit out of me.

WTF? I should just walk away now before I get hurt again. It's just so damn hard to. It's hard having feelings for someone who has those feelings for someone else. Unrequited anything just sucks ass. I almost wish kc told me that she had sex with h, because then it would be so much easier to walk away. But then I am glad that they didn't. I can't decide.