Lonely but excited...

I'm not sure I've told her, at least not in as many words, but I miss her. But I think that she misses me too, considering that the other night she decided she couldn't take it anymore and said she would like to fly me out there to see her and then I can drive back with her. So Friday night after rugby I get to head to the airport and fly out to see kc. Should be fun, I've never been there before. I get to watch the sunrise over the ocean for the first time (at least at this ocean).

And with this missing comes a longing as well, as the dirty text-a-thons have been heating up all weekened. This weekend was a pretty fucking good one too!!

Went and hung out with the rugby girls on Friday and Saturday. We did a little dualathalon, although I got lost a few times along the course. Luckily I had 2 girls from town with me otherwise I would have been so screwed. They would have found me lounging by the river with my feet in the water because I would have had no idea how to get back to the house from where I was. It was fun though, got some really great pictures. Those girls are my sanity. I've said it once and I'll say it a lot, if it weren't for them I would have jumped off a bridge by now. Went to the movies by myself yesterday then came home, cleaned, and read a bit.

And d has met a new girl, mg. That's exciting, it sounds like there is a spark. They have already visited each other once and mg is going to come for a visit at the end of August and then d will go visit her a few weeks after that. I'm not sure about the whole meeting someone on-line thing, but at least this girl doesn't sounds like a sociopath or a stalker so that's good.

I can't wait until Friday night. I get to play in the rugby 7's summer championships and then I get to fly out to see kc. I told her that she had better park the car in a discreet location because I wasn't sure how long I could hold out after seeing her, or rather, after not seeing her for so long. I mean, it's not really that long, but when you're as revved up as I am...and as she is...well then, let's just say the texts have been hot and the sex on the beach will be even hotter. I might try and see if I can get Tuesday off from work just because I know I'll be tired. We're driving back on Sunday and then home on Monday. And I think it would be a nice surprise to wake up Tuesday morning after such a great weekend and not have to come to work. That would be great!!

Texting...

It can be quite interesting. Especially when you're trying to have text sex. Or at least, get the other person riled up enough to tell you.


kc is on vacation and will be until next weekend. So we've been sending dirty horny texts back and forth and by the time she comes back from vacation we're going to need to take a couple days off just to do everything we want to do to each other. I told her yesterday afternoon that I would send her some naughty texts last night but I was fucking beat after I got home from rugby. So I made it up to her this morning by sending her a naughty picture on my phone...something I have never done before. That is a huge amount of trust from me, to trust that she will keep it to herself. I'm sure she will, I told her that if every anything like that happens that I don't want anyone else to be privy to those sort of details of my life.

I'm not sure how I feel about missing her though. I mean, at least I've got stuff to do and I'm occupied with softball, rugby, more rugby, job interview, shopping (for naughty lingerie to wear under my slutty skirt that I'll be wearing when we take the truck out for a drive when she gets back), then rugby, softball, rugby, recovery day, and she's home. So it's not like she'll be gone that long. And I'm definitely glad she's totally into sending the dirty texts because I like that kind of stimulation, and I'm certainly no stranger to using my imagination.

And I also don't want to fall into the trap of hanging out with her too much like I did at first, so it's good that I'm making plans. I just haven't really missed someone like this in a long time so it's kind of weird and unusual for me. I'm not going to let it make me sad, I mean, I know she's coming home. And she said she may even come home early, if she misses her cats and her house and sleeping in her own bed that much. That's how I am on vacation. I can't take really long ones because I miss sleeping in my own bed, I miss my own space, that sort of thing.

So kc's vacation will be good in the long run, no matter how long it is. And who knows, maybe she'll miss me too.

Where it's at...

Here's a little weekend recap (not for the squeamish or faint of heart).

Friday night kc met me at one of my favorite restaurants in town after work. She had said that we needed to talk. Although we didn't really talk about what I thought that we would talk about. I had figured that after what we had talked about earlier in the week that she would either say that she had to let me go because she understood that if she wasn't going to date me that I was going to start looking for other people, or that she wanted to date me. Except that didn't happen. She just reiterated that she doesn't like h anymore, realized that it would be a huge mistake to do that since h is a little crazy, and that she would be sad because she knew that I wouldn't be in her life if she did that. And she didn't want to lose me from her life.

So after dinner we walked down to the bar to meet some of the rugby girls. Hung out there for a little while, but kc and I had been exchanging dirty texts all afternoon so there was a little charge in the air. Left the bar early to go home and have some incredibly hot sex. Even tried a few new things. That poor girl who watches the dogs...she has the worst timing for watching those animals.

Saturday had a garage sale with the rugby girls and then the party later. The party was SO much fun. I got to talk to and meet so many of the girls on the other team. Met eye candy, found out what her name is. Think a couple others were flirting with me, including the birthday girl. Left before I had too much to drink, thank god, because I hate hangovers and feeling pooey the next day. So got a ride to kc's house from sr, it's always nice to have a DD. Had some even hotter sex than the night before because we had the house to ourselves (s is out of town and h was out somewhere).

Woke up Sunday morning feeling REALLY good and frisky. Damn I missed the great sex with kc. Not that it's all about that, but when you're compatible with someone in that way, it makes things a lot more fun and interesting. Just layed around the house all day watching movies and relaxing which was nice.

Yesterday we were supposed to go mountain biking but we were kind of busy, I had to go home and interview with a company for another temp job (someday I won't be a fucking temp or contractor) and then do a ton of laundry and go to the pottery place and glaze my pieces. So I grilled some dinner and kc came up later in the evening. Had to take a drive out to her aunt's house in the evening. By the time we got back we were both exhausted, so just snuggled and fell asleep (see, it's not always about sex).

So it was a fulfilling weekend. I did everything I wanted to do and then some. I got to go to the pub and hang with the rugby girls Friday night, do the garage sale and the party on Saturday, relax on Sunday, and do my pottery on Monday. I wasn't sure how things were going to go with kc, but they seem to be going just fine. We were talking and just decided to see how the commitment thing pans out before we jump into anything serious. She is going on vacation tomorrow to visit her family so that will be nice. I don't want to get back into this hanging out at her house every weekend thing that I did before. Going to try to schedule some camping trips and hiking trips for August. If she wants to join me that's fine, if not, have a fun weekend, I'm doing what I want to do.

Honesty...

So kc came over last night. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted her to, but, who am I kidding, I did. I did at least tell her that her inconsistency is starting to fuck me in the head. I told her that I like snuggling with her but that it's hard to have to fight myself from wanting to touch her. I can't help it, I can't keep my hands off her. I asked her if that bothered her and she said no, but that she didn't know if having sex was a good idea or not.

I also told her that I think her vacation is a good thing, for us to be separated for a little while. I couldn't tell if she was hurt by that or not, maybe a little. I told her that I couldn't wait around for her to make up her mind about what she wants, the inconsistency isn't cutting it for me, she knows what I want from her and if I can't have it then I'm not going to wait around for her to figure it out. She asked if I wanted her to go on vacation so that I could hook up with other girls, I said that that wasn't my intention, that I wasn't going to go out looking for it, but I can't control what happens. If I meet someone I like and want to flirt with them then I'm not going to feel guilty about it. She understood, she knows that she has no right to complain about what I do or to try and tell me what to do, because if she could make up her fucking mind then it wouldn't be a problem.

But she's not sure about dating me again. She's not sure about some parts of our personalities, if they mesh well or not. She thinks that she's always going to be fucked and inconsistent with women. I told her to get over herself, that it's a mind game she's playing with herself and the only one that's being mentally fucked by it is her. She knows it is, but she can't help it. I don't know, at least we were talking about things, and at least I'm being completely and brutally honest with her. She said that if I hooked up with another chick that she didn't want to know about...not a problem there. I mean, I don't think that I'll hook up with anyone, I'm not usually a one-nighter kind of girl. However, if I want to make out with someone and have a good time then I'm not going to let her be in the back of my head.

I told her that it was hard for me to figure out what to do. Some part of me wants to hold out hope that she'll fucking figure it out, and then the other part of me knows that I can't wait around for that. If by some chance of fate we do end up back together then so be it. This is why I think that her vacation will be good for both of us. I told her that I honestly didn't think I'd see her after backpacking until she got back and that it was confusing because she had said last week that it was complicated for me to go to her house and then suddenly this week she wants to come sleep with me?

She said that she had removed h from the equation, that she knows it would be a horrible idea for her to go down that road, that it would complicate things, a lot. But that still leaves her with having to make a decision about me. She said she would be sad if she lost her snuggle buddy. I asked her why that would make her sad if she knows that I can't wait around for her to make a decision, that I'm not going to be strung along, waiting and wanting. She couldn't answer it, said that was another conversation altogether. I'm not sure if she knows the answer to that question, I think the answer to that question is what is causing her to be unable to make a decision.

So she knows that I'm not going to wait around for her, at least I told her that. I told her that I have some eye candy on the other rugby team, some new eye candy, not sure how she felt about that, I think that she thinks I am going to go out and purposefully try to hook up with this girl, get my rebound sex out of the way. Who knows, maybe it'll happen, but I'm not going to plan on it. I am going to get my flirt on with her though, assuming that she doesn't have a girlfriend. Eye candy is my ideal type: taller than me, strong arms, cute as hell, short blonde hair, adorable in her glasses. I haven't talked to her yet, so who knows, that's a huge part of the attraction for me, I mean, she could be totally fucking hot, but if she's a moron then peace out, no thanks.

I guess at least she's made up her mind about h so that's a step in the right direction, at least for her. And who knows, she's leaving for vacation on Tuesday, so maybe I'll see her again before that, maybe not. I'm not changing my plans for her, so really, unless she wants to see me again tonight, then she's just going to have to wait for Sunday or Monday to roll around. I haven't told her about the party on Saturday night, not that she would care that I was going or what I did there, but she doesn't need to know every move I make.

She's worried that I will close up again because I told her that I reserve a special part of me for someone I'm with. She got a glimpse of it and then I shut down, it was too much too soon. I have to learn how to regulate that, fucking oxytocin. I have to learn how to take my time with someone I like, learn to open myself up to them. She knows this. Whether she wants to stick around and do that is up to her, if she doesn't, I've learned for the next time, and if she does, then I've learned what to do with her.

Is it Saturday night yet? Fuck, is it next Tuesday yet? I need to go see my sister's psychic, maybe she can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately I won't see my sister until December and that's a long time from now, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe kc will come and have lunch with me today since she is still sleeping in my bed, which I really didn't want to leave this morning. Fuck me, my head is going to be fucked if I keep this up.

Punishment...

Yeah, I'm a glutton for it. I know. I'm a fucking idiot. But what am I going to do? I like the girl. And I'd really like to know why she has been all freaking weird the last few days. I mean, that drunk text was interesting and so after yesterday not really sure what is going on.

kc didn't come over last night. Actually, I didn't even hear from her until 7:30pm. At least I wasn't waiting by the phone. I went down to the city for a teambuilding activity at 1pm, had a margarita and some beers with the work people. Then kk invited me over since I didn't want to drive back up home just to turn around and drive right back to the city for rugby. So we hung out at her house and talked and had a few more beers, it was pretty nice to get to talk to her outside of work, she seems like a really fun chick. And I almost have her convinced to ditch her boyfriend and have a girls night out for the next First Friday.

So I had a little buzz when I started to play rugby, but at least I was good and was drinking water along with my cocktails. And I didn't spend all evening checking my phone, I just checked it when we were done playing. So at least I made her wait for a response, she just said hello. I asked if she wanted to come up and talk about what was going on and she said not tonight but maybe tomorrow night. Told her that I had softball but she could come over afterward since I'm fucking tired right now. So now she's supposed to come up tonight, possibly come watch my softball game (or even play, sometimes we're short on girls, it's a co-ed league). Who knows, I'm not holding my breath for it, she has a habit of bailing on me at the last minute. Although for some reason I don't think she will tonight. Something in her mood and the wording of her messages just makes me think that she will actually come and see me tonight.

But on a higher note, I did get to check out my eye candy on the other rugby team. She's pretty cute, although it appears as though she might have a girlfriend. Oh well, can't hurt to look. And I'm pretty sure that she'll be at the party on Saturday so that is good. Apparently there are going to be a lot of single lesbians at this party so that is a good thing. It will certainly help me expand my circle, I need to escape the small circle that I have been sucked into. And the rugby girls did some karaoke and I had a really fun evening last night. I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time and that is such a good feeling for me. It helps my sanity so much. So even though I left there really late (and didn't even want to leave when I did) and got up early to go to work, I'm still in a pretty good mood. And wondering how tonight will turn out.

Alcohol...

The truth serum. How the hell am I supposed to move on when she sends me fucking texts at 4:45am (yeah, that's right, 15 minutes before I get up for work) that ask if she can come and sleep with me? I'm sure she was not sober when she sent it, and when I got to work I had an e-mail that said she had a really crappy night. Not my fault, GFY!

What, suddenly I'm good enough when you're having a bad day? You don't want me to sleep at your house because it would be too uncomfortable, but when you need a snuggle buddy and someone to comfort you, now I'm the one? I don't get it.

We had a mini text-a-thon last night about how I'm confused about where we are at right now. Are we friends, friends with benefits, or something else? She said that we probably couldn't be friends with benefits because she wants to date other people and she knows that I'm not down with that. Okay fine, but then WTF, why are you sending me these messages that you want to come sleep with me? And at my house? Usually she only wants me to go down to her house, she never really asks if she can come to my house so that just makes it more bizarre.

So, I sent her a reply about an hour later (I didn't even realize I had the text until I got out of the shower and ready to leave for work) that said I was on my way to work but if she wanted to come watch rugby and come up afterward then that was fine. I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I figure that when she comes to sometime this afternoon she'll check her phone and see what she wrote, and then bail on coming up tonight. I mean, I'd be pretty shocked if she did want to come over tonight, though if she does she's just going to have to wait until I'm done having a couple beverages with the team after our games tonight.

But again, I doubt that she'll come up, unless her day yesterday was really that bad. I can't imagine how it would be, unless h hooked up with someone else, in which case I don't really want to hear about it. I mean, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for her? This is exactly how she has made me feel. I could feign sympathy, but she'd see right through it. Maybe something else happened, maybe she had an epiphany, maybe she went to hit on a girl and got completely denied, although I don't see how any of those reasons would make her want to come and snuggle with me that badly. It's just highly unusual (I know, I repeat myself, but this is just fucking weird) for her to ask to come to my place.

I don't know. We'll see what happens this evening. I have to give her the CD I burnt of all the pictures from our backpacking trip. I told her I'd give it to her at rugby tonight if she wanted. Who knows, maybe she'll come to rugby and then want to come to my house. That'd probably fuck me in the head a little bit, but I like snuggling with her and sleeping with her, it's just hard to keep my hands off of her when she's right there.

Peace Out...

Yeah, it's time to move on. If kc wants back into my life then she knows what to do and where to find me. There's too much tension when I'm at her house, but at least s will be gone for 3 weeks. However, kc and h are going on a road trip to see kc's family for 10 days and then probably to visit s for a long weekend. At least peacing myself out of the situation should be easy since she won't even be around.

Let me go back to Wednesday night. I had rugby down in the city and had asked kc earlier in the week if I could just sleep at her house that night since we were leaving for backpacking on Thursday morning. To which she said yes. And then on Wednesday night while I'm getting ready to play she sends me a text that says it would be too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, would I mind just going down in the morning? Uh, well, since I was already packed for the trip and hadn't planned on going home, yes it's a huge pain in my ass. However, at least one of the girls on the team lives close by so I just crashed at her place so I didn't have to drive all over creation.

It actually worked out nicely. sr lives close to kc so I didn't have to drive that far, and I got to hang out and have a drama free evening with some of the girls on the team. If it weren't for them I'd have probably considered jumping off a bridge by now. They keep me sane and don't mind my incessant bitching, well, maybe they do, they just don't tell me.

So then I had to go backpacking for 4 days and 3 nights with kc and ud. And did anything happen? NO! Not that I didn't want it to, maybe she did too, but still...nothing. I did get a backrub one night, but other than that, not much, a little canoodling here and there. I did however get some really good nature pictures and the scenery was beautiful. My legs got torn to shit during the hikes though, but oh well, it just makes me look more hardcore.

So after all of this it's just time to peace out. I don't need this shit. I need someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't going to keep me around just in case. I want her to know why she wants to be with me and she's going to have to work for it. I want her to miss me when I'm gone since she did while I was visiting my aunts. Maybe she'll miss me while she's on her road trip. Maybe she'll finally hook up with h. At this point I don't care. It's too hard with everything else going on in my life to add that to my stress list. Once again, I'm trying to avoid drama. If I can live drama-free for just a little while my sanity will certainly recover. I've got a party to go to this weekend in the city with one of the other rugby teams and there are some cuties on that team that I can flirt with. And who knows, maybe someone will actually be interested in me that doesn't want to be with someone else.