Honesty...

So kc came over last night. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted her to, but, who am I kidding, I did. I did at least tell her that her inconsistency is starting to fuck me in the head. I told her that I like snuggling with her but that it's hard to have to fight myself from wanting to touch her. I can't help it, I can't keep my hands off her. I asked her if that bothered her and she said no, but that she didn't know if having sex was a good idea or not.

I also told her that I think her vacation is a good thing, for us to be separated for a little while. I couldn't tell if she was hurt by that or not, maybe a little. I told her that I couldn't wait around for her to make up her mind about what she wants, the inconsistency isn't cutting it for me, she knows what I want from her and if I can't have it then I'm not going to wait around for her to figure it out. She asked if I wanted her to go on vacation so that I could hook up with other girls, I said that that wasn't my intention, that I wasn't going to go out looking for it, but I can't control what happens. If I meet someone I like and want to flirt with them then I'm not going to feel guilty about it. She understood, she knows that she has no right to complain about what I do or to try and tell me what to do, because if she could make up her fucking mind then it wouldn't be a problem.

But she's not sure about dating me again. She's not sure about some parts of our personalities, if they mesh well or not. She thinks that she's always going to be fucked and inconsistent with women. I told her to get over herself, that it's a mind game she's playing with herself and the only one that's being mentally fucked by it is her. She knows it is, but she can't help it. I don't know, at least we were talking about things, and at least I'm being completely and brutally honest with her. She said that if I hooked up with another chick that she didn't want to know about...not a problem there. I mean, I don't think that I'll hook up with anyone, I'm not usually a one-nighter kind of girl. However, if I want to make out with someone and have a good time then I'm not going to let her be in the back of my head.

I told her that it was hard for me to figure out what to do. Some part of me wants to hold out hope that she'll fucking figure it out, and then the other part of me knows that I can't wait around for that. If by some chance of fate we do end up back together then so be it. This is why I think that her vacation will be good for both of us. I told her that I honestly didn't think I'd see her after backpacking until she got back and that it was confusing because she had said last week that it was complicated for me to go to her house and then suddenly this week she wants to come sleep with me?

She said that she had removed h from the equation, that she knows it would be a horrible idea for her to go down that road, that it would complicate things, a lot. But that still leaves her with having to make a decision about me. She said she would be sad if she lost her snuggle buddy. I asked her why that would make her sad if she knows that I can't wait around for her to make a decision, that I'm not going to be strung along, waiting and wanting. She couldn't answer it, said that was another conversation altogether. I'm not sure if she knows the answer to that question, I think the answer to that question is what is causing her to be unable to make a decision.

So she knows that I'm not going to wait around for her, at least I told her that. I told her that I have some eye candy on the other rugby team, some new eye candy, not sure how she felt about that, I think that she thinks I am going to go out and purposefully try to hook up with this girl, get my rebound sex out of the way. Who knows, maybe it'll happen, but I'm not going to plan on it. I am going to get my flirt on with her though, assuming that she doesn't have a girlfriend. Eye candy is my ideal type: taller than me, strong arms, cute as hell, short blonde hair, adorable in her glasses. I haven't talked to her yet, so who knows, that's a huge part of the attraction for me, I mean, she could be totally fucking hot, but if she's a moron then peace out, no thanks.

I guess at least she's made up her mind about h so that's a step in the right direction, at least for her. And who knows, she's leaving for vacation on Tuesday, so maybe I'll see her again before that, maybe not. I'm not changing my plans for her, so really, unless she wants to see me again tonight, then she's just going to have to wait for Sunday or Monday to roll around. I haven't told her about the party on Saturday night, not that she would care that I was going or what I did there, but she doesn't need to know every move I make.

She's worried that I will close up again because I told her that I reserve a special part of me for someone I'm with. She got a glimpse of it and then I shut down, it was too much too soon. I have to learn how to regulate that, fucking oxytocin. I have to learn how to take my time with someone I like, learn to open myself up to them. She knows this. Whether she wants to stick around and do that is up to her, if she doesn't, I've learned for the next time, and if she does, then I've learned what to do with her.

Is it Saturday night yet? Fuck, is it next Tuesday yet? I need to go see my sister's psychic, maybe she can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately I won't see my sister until December and that's a long time from now, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe kc will come and have lunch with me today since she is still sleeping in my bed, which I really didn't want to leave this morning. Fuck me, my head is going to be fucked if I keep this up.