Expectations

Why do I subject myself to this? Why do I watch movies that make me cry? Why do I think that she could be someone for me? Why, when I know that despite all that I love about her, do I know that my heart is going to break again?

I shouldn't expect her to be that person. I shouldn't expect her to be the person that can make me happy but she does. And yet she makes me sad at the same time. I have had no expectations of her so far and yet I still feel let down.

Maybe I'm just frustrated from the movie and the undying love that someone can have for another person. Why would I think that my life could have any sort of fairytale ending? Why would I think that someone would want to come along and sweep me off my feet? Why would I think that someone would come along that could be all that I want in another person?

It's not as if there isn't a connection, it's not as if she doesn't feel something, anything at all, for me. Or am I yet again deluding myself into thinking that something is there that isn't? Or am I just feeling completely hormonal due to monthly issues? Or is it the movie that has somehow raised my expectations of what I want?

I don't think that I want that much. Maybe I'll get lucky and she will somehow find it in herself to come over here tonight although I won't get my hopes up for that happening. I'm just feeling an overwhelming need to be comforted and held tonight. I just want to fall asleep in her arms, to feel that comfort and ease. Of course she'll say she's busy or most likely that her phone died or some other whatever.

I guess when I was younger I had always envisioned that I would have found my special someone by this point in my life. And I thought I had, but I think that I forced myself into believing that that was the case with the ex, that I tried too hard to make her be the one when she so clearly wasn't. So am I projecting that same desire onto kc now? I don't want to set myself up for yet another failed relationship and yet I know that I can't stop trying to find my perfect relationship. Or maybe I shouldn't believe in silly childhood expectations.

Maybe I do want that comfort and security. Well, I suppose that maybe is too weak of a word. I do want that comfort and security and feeling of safeness that you get when you have found that special someone. Am I destined to always be searching for that someone? And if I know that that is what I want how do I stop myself from projecting it onto someone who isn't that person? And when I have invested so much time and energy and my heart with someone, how do I decide if she is worth any more of an investment or if it's time to move on? And if I'm having these feelings should that be my sign that it is time to move on or do I talk to her about what I'm feeling?

Or maybe I should stop watching sappy romantic movies that project an unhealthy image of non-reality into my heart. I know that they are just movies, that that sort of fairytale ending just does not happen in real life. I know that realistically no one is going to come sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset with me. There is no large adverse situation that I must overcome except my own head and ideas. I'm not being torn between two lovers, my sweetheart will not be sent off to war with an uncertain ending, I don't think that love at first sight is possible. Those things only happen in the movies. So why do I somehow believe that they will happen to me?

I think that I'm just feeling a little lonely right now. I shouldn't feel lonely, I should be feeling good about my life. There is nothing horribly wrong with my life, I have wonderful friends, a great new place to live, activities that I enjoy doing that make me happy. And yet I still feel like there is something missing. I feel like my heart is not complete. And I shouldn't need another person to make my heart feel complete, if my heart is not whole when I meet someone they will know it and it will hinder the relationship. And yet I just can't keep this feeling at bay. Sometimes it just takes over me and I have no idea how to push it out.

This sucks. I want this feeling to go away. And I know that I should kick myself in the ass for saying this, but it's almost as if I know that if kc did actually come over and I got to snuggle and sleep with her that I would feel so much better. It's like I'm purposefully setting myself up to get hurt. I don't want her to hurt me, but some stupid sensible part of my fucking brain tells me that she will, and then the other part of my brain that is linked to my heart tells me that it doesn't matter, enjoy what is there while it is there. It knows it will be able to heal from that heartache when it happens, if it happens, while it is happening. And I shouldn't be in a hurry to rush something along because if it was meant to be then it will happen.