Pet Names

Why do people, especially girls, feel the need to get all cute and cuddly with pet names? I mean, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the sweet little things that kc calls me, but I suck at returning it. It's all well and good, I mean, I'm practically a fucking thesaurus here, but for some reason I get stuck in a mental rut when it comes to stuff like that.

I can articulate how I am feeling, well, I'm getting better at it, but at least I know the words I want to say. But why, when I want to say something sweet, does it come out as a stammer or stutter instead of what I really want to say? Maybe it's because growing up I never heard anyone in my family say anything sweet or nice to their special someone. Maybe it's because I haven't read enough romance novels or watched enough sickeningly sweet movies (although I doubt that is the case).

I hope that kc doesn't think that it is her though, it's not, it's every person that I have ever been in a relationship with. I just can't do it. I can't start calling someone pookie or darling or sweetheart. I want to, I want to have something special, but whenever it comes out of me it just sounds generic and trite.

Maybe that's my problem, maybe my thesaurus doesn't contain those words. I mean, I've managed to use a whole lot of them right now, but none of them are "sweetheart" words. I don't think that she minds that I primarily just call her sunshine, I like it, I like that it's something that I have neither said to someone or had it been said to me. But should I tell her that I don't like being called names that someone has already called me? I suppose I should since that might give her more of a sense of why I'm not good at those things.

On a good note she said that she got me something special, well, specials, so I have no idea what it is. I did tell her that if she ever wanted to be something more than just dating to get me flowers, so maybe that's it. I really have no idea though, but it is nice to have her get me something. I like to do sweet things for her, like having my mom pick up some chocolates and coffee from home so that she can try something from where I grew up. I like doing sweet things, so what if I can't say them, at least I can do them. Maybe I should do something sweet for her and remind her that for me, actions really do speak louder than words, so even if I fuck up the words, my intentions are good and my heart is in the right place.

"G" word

Dare I use it? I don't know, I don't really want to be preemptive about it, I mean, what if it's still in the dating stages. It would be a nice thought and I think that the signs are all pointing in that direction, but who knows. I just don't think that it's anything that I need to stress about or worry about. And I'm secure with what is there, even if it is unspoken.

Last night kc was supposed to come up to my house, but her ex, de was in town and had been bugging her to hang out. And it didn't bother me at all. I know that kc doesn't want de back, and I don't think that de wants to be with kc either. kc was worried about it, she felt bad because she had already made plans with me, but then de wanted to hang out and we're going to be gone all weekend anyway on a caving trip. So it was either break plans with me or de, but we had seen each other all weekend long so it really wasn't a big deal. And I know that kc likes me and we've got a good thing going on right now.

She just doesn't want me to say one thing and mean another. I told her I was bummed that she wasn't coming over, but it didn't bother me that she was going to hang out with de. And it really doesn't, which is weird, in the past that would have totally gone straight to my head. Plus we were encroaching on the too much time together rule anyway. So it's all good. And we had a really great weekend.

I got to play some kick ass rugby on Saturday and then get toasted with the girls afterward. Got to flirt with eye candy a little bit and get to know more of the girls better. And we won our game which is the first time we have beaten this team, so that was exciting. I've got some nice new bruises and my leg is aching which is unpleasant, but a sign of a game well played.

Sunday just relaxed and slept, went out for nice breakfast with kc. Then Monday had the house to ourselves, which is increasingly rare at her house, so we took full advantage of that!! So the fact that she didn't come over last night, not a big deal. I saw her all weekend long and this weekend we're going out of town for a caving trip. Not really looking forward to driving, but I think kc is just going to drive my car, so everyone else has to squish in the back, which is fine by me.

Back to the g word then...do I talk to her about it or just let it lie and go with the flow? I think go with the flow because I like what is going on right now and I'd like it to stay this way for a while.

Guilt trips...

I hate guilt trips. Don't fucking try to make me feel guilty for something that is not my fault at all. So I settled stuff with a yesterday, brought her her stuff and got my check. Then she calls me while I'm driving to say that she isn't going to call me or talk to me ever again because I don't return her calls and I'm not a good friend, blah blah fucking blah. Then she says it's my fault that the people I'm living with never call her sister anymore (side note...got a text this morning from a saying, how ironic that c called b to hang out on sunday, fuck you, of course I said something, but it's the last thing I will say to him about it, he doesn't need that drama shit either), that I ruined their friendship by moving in, and how much longer am I going to be there, trying to make me feel bad. Tough shit, they offered me a place to stay and I took them up on it. If they didn't want me there they wouldn't have offered. And yes, I would like to find my own place to live, however being laid off and only having a temp job isn't really the best situation to be in to try and find a place to live. I need some security before I go out looking for a condo to buy.

She doesn't realize that I can't be her friend right now. She needs to find herself and figure out who she is and not be so fucking co-dependent on anyone. She can't be trying to make me feel bad for her or for anything for that matter. I'm not getting sucked into that ever. She needs to see a therapist and get on some anti-depressants or something because she is bringing down everyone around her. Even her own sister doesn't want to be around her, that should tell her something. It's too bad that she is so repressed in her own life.

When I first told her that I had taken anti-depressants she looked at me like I have the plague, like I was some sort of freak. Umm...get over yourself, there are so many people out there who are on them, that shit is getting prescribed like candy. And then there is the issue of sex. She is a strictly at night with the lights out kind of girl, about once a month if you're lucky. I wasn't that lucky. For the last year of our relationship I think we had sex maybe 3 times. I used to masturbate after she fell asleep, that's how bad it was. And from hints that k has dropped, doesn't sound like it was any different with her.

That's just not right. I mean, she should be open to trying new things, new positions, new toys, new times of day. It's not like she needs to jump into some freaky S&M thing, just at least make an attempt for the other person. I see her ruining many relationships until she finds herself and her sexuality.

Oh well, it's not my fucking problem anymore. I get to fuck a hottie who will take it any time of day from me and isn't afraid of wanting to try new things. And it's not just really fucking great sex with kc, we have fun, we talk, we debate, we have something to discuss other than TV, she actually reads a book when I suggest it instead of looking at me like why should I read when we have the TV!! She doesn't make me feel bad about wanting to hang out with other people and only spending a certain amount of time together, in fact, she encourages because she realizes that we need to be good individuals and do what makes us happy in order to be in a healthy relationship. We have to be able to be the source of our own happiness before we can find happiness with someone else because (as I have found out the hard way) if you don't maintain a sense of individuality within a relationship that relationship is doomed.

AND...kc has now used the g word twice. That's right folks, has referred to me as "girlfriend" twice. Once on my trip to see her on vacation (as in, sorry for swerving officer I had my hand in my girlfriend's pants) and then the other weekend when we were hanging at s's friends house before her birthday dinner (hey, other people besides your girlfriend might enjoy you flashing them...I was wearing a skirt and trying to figure out where to sit). So, that's a pretty sweet thing.

So there is no way in hell that I am going to let the ex bring me down and try to make me feel bad when I have made a life for myself, made my own friends, found a nice girl, just because she hasn't.

Fucking ex's

If my weekend hadn't been so fucking good I swear to god the phone call that I got this morning would have made me go postal. That crazy bitch thinks that I should drop everything and be at her fucking beck and call when she wants something and gets pissy if I say I'm busy. Hello, I got a fucking life after we broke up, it's not my fault that you and your girlfriend broke up (finally, poor k for having to put up with her for that long).

Let me start from the beginning. Friday sucked at work, it was everyone's last day (except a few of us), I got called out of breakfast because someone was fucking something up and I had to go fix it, so that already set me off. Then I get yelled at for something that isn't my fault, get yelled at some more for messing something up, again, only partly my fault. I didn't know the guy was going to be fixing the door and slamming it and messing my shit up. So I told kc that I was going to pick up a 12-pack of Corona on my way home.

My new relaxation method is to picture a white, sandy beach, laying in a hammock, sipping a chilled drink, swaying lightly in the breeze, and snuggling with kc. It's working out well, hence why I wanted the Coronas. So anyway, she says that she is going to p's house, do I want to bring them there? Sure, of course I do, p is fucking hilarious, bummer s was coming with us, but she was pretty chill. Although, seriously, does she need to cart that fucking African drum with her everywhere? And the recorder/flute? We're going to play cards and hang out, is it necessary to cart all that shit along with you?

Okay, back to my story. So I hadn't eaten much all day, definitely got tipsy, definitely had kc up on the counter at p's until he came upstairs and told us that the oven could preheat itself...oopsy, oh well, he didn't care.

Saturday was supposed to go gambling with the rugby girls but found out at the last minute that the trip was cancelled, so it was s's birthday and we went to her parents house for dinner. Her mom made some kick ass Italian food that was SOOO good. It was actually a nice evening, that was starting to get a lot better until there was a knock on the door at 1am. ha and some other girl showed up randomly, I mean, all the lights were out and kc and I were already naked, so you'd think that they wouldn't have bothered, but we ended up putting some clothes on and hanging out for an hour.

But, at least kc made it up to me, after they left, and again Sunday morning. God I love morning sex, I just have so much energy and I'm relaxed (well, still relaxed from the night before), and the lighting is great, can't beat that morning glow. Then I left her house (can't break my own rule 2 weekends in a row) and hung out with some rugby girls, ate a delicious dinner, watched a movie, that sorta thing.

Monday I had a meeting to start my new position as a temp at my job...that pretty much sucks, but oh well, can't do anything about it except keep looking for a new one. But then I met d, d's new woman m, and kc out for lunch. That was nice and then went back to my house, took a nice long nap with kc, and then went and hung out at k's. Which is where she told us that her and a had broken up finally, it needed to happen, she's okay with it. Had a nice time and then kc slept over at my house and gave me a massage and that was relaxing. I like waking up with her, that warm body with its soft naked skin, pressed against mine makes it very hard for me to leave my bed.

So this morning started off well enough, until I get this irate phone call from a, bitching about how it's so rude for me to never call her back (fuck her, I'm not her damn beck and call girl anymore) and then she ripped up the check she had for me and wasn't giving my money to me. Excuse me, fuck you, I wrote the original check and I can get a copy of it from the bank as well as a copy of the check the HOA wrote her, if she wants to be a bitch like that. Then she starts asking for the water purifier back, apparently forgetting that when we split up we were dividing all the camping stuff equally, so she's all, my brother bought this for me it's mine give it back, whiny ass shit. Fine, whatever, I don't give a fuck, if it means that you'll stop calling me then it's worth it. Then, where is my red sleeping bag, I know you have both of them, I can't find mine, give it back to me. She hasn't asked for any of this stuff all summer long and suddenly she wants it?

I think that she just doesn't know how to handle anger. So I had to stop talking to her because she had called my work number and I couldn't be sitting in the lab yelling at her on the phone. She hates it when I say I'm busy, well too fucking bad, it's not my fault you have no friends and no life. I got involved in an activity to make new friends, and I'm putting myself out there meeting new people, she should do the same because then maybe she wouldn't be focusing all her anger at me (since I guess she is trying to be friends with k right now).

She is going to turn into a serial monogamist, jumping from one relationship to the next, I can see it happening, and she doesn't realize how self-destructive it is going to be for her. She needs to get a job or make some friends at school, hell she should join a school activity to meet new people, and then maybe she wouldn't be pouring her insecurities out on everyone else.

When we first broke up I thought that maybe some of it was me, but not really, she has anger and jealousy issues. I think that she is angry at the world for some reason, maybe because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, and I think that she is jealous of what her brother and her sister have. They each have their own houses, their own jobs that are secure and pay them well, and they each have their own lives and friends that they can hang out with. She hasn't made one friend since we broke up, except her now ex-girlfriend, who doesn't really want to hang out with her. I almost feel bad for her, until I get bitchy phone calls like the one I got this morning.

Oh well, not my problem, go fuck yourself. My life is going pretty damn good and I'm not going to let her ruin my good mood.

Same page...

kc came and played softball with me last night. Except that our game was cancelled. But we still held a mini-practice anyway so we played some catch and got in a little hitting as well. I surprisingly hit much better than I usually do, kc was cute playing.

On our drive home we were talking and somehow last weekend got brought up and I said, well, quite honestly, I think that I spent a little too much time there last weekend. And she agreed. We both know that in order for us to stay in the happy good mood that we are in when we see each other, that we need to do our own thing. Otherwise for me at least, I am not myself, and then I am grumpy with myself for not doing the things that I want to do. So both of us agreed that we will do our own thing and then meet up with each other. At least we're both feeling the same way, I wasn't sure how she would take me saying that last weekend was too much, but she didn't, she agreed.

It's so nice that we are both on the same wavelength as far as how much time we spend together. We both want to enjoy and appreciate the time that we do spend together which means that we need to spend time apart. So I'm going to hang tonight, tomorrow do rugby stuff, Sunday maybe relax, not sure yet, and then maybe Monday we can go mountain biking or something.

Still good!!

Well, things have been going good with kc and me for the past few weeks. I'm not sure whether I'm surprised or not. I'm glad that things have been working out, and we have been getting along fantastically, but I do think that I broke my rule and spent a little too much time with her last weekend.

I mean, I went there Thursday after softball (fucking pothead forgot to leave me a key, so I had to break into the kitchen window) and then I went there Friday. Although, at least Friday I went out for drinks with work people and ended up closing down the bars and getting absolutely shit-faced. Was going to take a cab ride home but thankfully there was someone sober who gave me a ride, but that ride was to kc's house. However, rolled in there between 2:30-3am, and her, h, and s were also pretty wasted from a birthday party they were at. Hung out all day Saturday, well, more like laid on the couch in intense pain on Saturday.

Woke up Saturday morning feeling like I had been kicked in the kidneys. That was extremely fucking unpleasant, I hate feeling like that. At first I thought it was just that I was severely dehydrated, but alas, not the case, I had a UTI. And guess what caused the UTI? That's right folks, sex. Apparently most women should go to the bathroom after having intercourse, and I guess it's the same for lesbians using props. Thought I had taken care of all that, but to no avail, I still got sick. So Saturday night I just slept at kc's house...again.

Sunday I had a birthday party to go to for one of the rugby girls after which kc and I were supposed to go out to dinner. She had wanted to take me on a dinner date Saturday night but left her wallet at the party she was at on Friday night, which was okay because I felt like shit on Saturday night. However, she bailed on Sunday night because she said she was too busy. So when I left the birthday party and got to a place where I had cell service I had a message saying that she wanted to have dinner the following night and did I want to go watch a meteor shower? Confused? Yeah me too, no idea which night the meteor shower was.

So I sent her a response but figured I'd play it safe and drive home to my house. Went there and around 8pm decided fuck it, I'm hungry and went into town to get something to eat. She finally got back to me around 9, told me she had been taking a nap when I called, that the meteor shower was that night, but I didn't have to go. I told her I wanted to watch it with her so I drove down.

That was dumb on my part. She was totally PMSing and being cranky, but didn't tell me that until the next day. And then the beer that I had at dinner made my kidney hurt really bad again, so I ended up crying in pain and sleeping alone most of the night since she fell asleep on the couch in her office. That's when I had decided I had broken my rule, shouldn't have gone down there Sunday night.

Monday I went to the doctor and he confirmed my suspicions that I did indeed have a UTI, gave me some medicine (took the last of it this morning), and now I am feeling SOOO much better. Stayed at my house Monday night though, needed to. Just rested and took it easy.

Tuesday night kc and I went out for nice dinner. The fishhouse was really tasty, we had a couple glasses of wine, ordered some dessert, and then I was too full to function so we just went home. Ended up falling asleep before she could give me a head rub. I had a wicked fucking stressful day at work (nothing compared to what Wednesday turned out to be, but still fucking bad) and she said she'd give me a head rub and snuggle with me, but, we fell asleep.

So she is going to play softball with me tonight and I'll probably end up staying at her house. But, I think I'll tell her if she wants to hang then she can come to my house Friday night. Saturday I'm going to go do a rugby thing with another team...maybe get to talk to eye candy a little more on the bus to the casinos. I'm not really a gambler, but I think after I broke my rule from last week I think I should go, just to get away for the day. Then I got invited to go camping with k, highly unusual, but maybe I'll go, maybe see if some of the rugby girls want to go. Maybe kc will want to go. I don't know.

So other than me breaking my rule and her PMSing things have been good. Conversations are great, sex is incredible, and we're really enjoying each other's company. Hopefully it continues like this although I'm not sure at what point I will want her to decide that I am her girlfriend. Although, after I had to break into her house on Thursday night I told her (granted, it was in my drunken state on Friday night) that she should give me a key to her house. It's actually a good idea in that I hate feeling like a criminal having to break into her house, she keeps forgetting to leave me a key because she's a fucking pothead and forgets, and this way I can lock the front door when I leave in the morning. She said I was a lucky girl if I could get a key out of her and she agreed that she should give me one. Guess we'll see how that goes, I think it will go well.

Feeling way to damn good

This past weekend had to be one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, if ever. I had more fun than I have had in a while, got some really great pictures, met kc's family, had one of the most bitchin' nights in Vegas that I've ever had, and had a little fun in the car on the road trip around the states.

Friday was a really good day, work was fun, kept a little busy, and then I got to go play some rugby. Eye candy was there, always fun talking to her. Got cracked in the nose (not sure if it's broken or not, but they can't do anything about it anyway, so fuck it) trying to tackle someone and it is still hurting a little today. Luckily no black eyes or anything, it's just a little swollen. And my team came in 3rd place at the championships so that was exciting. Then I had to run off to kc's house to take a shower and head to the airport.

Made it to the airport just fine, however, kc called me as I was walking toward the gate to say she had received a phone call saying I was going to miss my connecting flight. The guy at the counter said I would have a half hour, but that I would have to run to the other gate. Not a biggie, so I hopped on the plane. Turns out the guy at the counter was off by a few minutes, since I missed my connecting flight by 10 minutes. Luckily however my layover was in Las Vegas, so, if I had to get stranded somewhere, at least it was in a city that never closes. Made friends with a guy standing in line at the ticket counter so we ended up going out to get some dinner and drinks since we were both stranded. Airline put us up in a hotel, not a stellar one, but at least it was somewhere to go outside of the airport. I didn't have to catch a flight in the morning though since kc decided to drive out and pick me up. That was so fucking sweet of her, I mean, I would have stayed in the hotel and caught the early morning flight, but it was really sweet to have her drive out there and pick me up.

So she finally made it to my hotel around 4am (I had a lot of late nights this weekend) where we had some incredibly hot holy shit I haven't seen you in forever and you've been sending me dirty texts all week sex. I was definitely glad that I had been able to locate something in her room and that airport security didn't check my bag, that could have been slightly embarassing, I mean, pardon me sir, could you put on some gloves, I just cleaned that toy and plan on using it later? That would have sucked. But nothing like that happened and it definitely made for a much more exciting weekend.

Ended up driving to kc's dad's house on Saturday after we woke up (I think we checked out sometime around 8:30am or so, so yeah, not a lot of sleep that night). It was really nice meeting her family, they are wonderful people and I think that they liked me. Her dad even gave me a hug and a kiss as we were leaving (and sent her a message later saying to give me a kiss). May have had a little too much wine before dinner, but her dad was mixing up some killler margaritas so everyone else was in the same boat as me. Her dad's friend was pretty funny too, I guess he went and told kc right after he got there that way to go, I was hot. And then he found out I'm smart too. Double whammy, how nice.

Everyone was really nice too. I sometimes have a hard time talking to people in situations like that, but it was really easy talking to her dad and sister and everyone else that was there. She said that she was worried that I wouldn't talk to anyone, and was definitely happy that I was talking to everyone.

On Sunday we went to a lot of different places. We drove from her dad's house down to the beach and I got to dip my feet into the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Then we drove south along the coast and then headed into a couple of national parks. Drove through Mojave National Forest and then up to Joshua Tree. I wish that we could have been in Joshua Tree during the daylight but we got a late start to our day (and to everyday this weekend). And then since we didn't have to pick up s (which was so fucking wonderful) kc had said that we would just get a hotel somewhere on Sunday night. I figured it would just be some random thing we found driving back, but turns out she got us a room in Vegas. Thankfully I thought to pack one of my sexier outfits (I figured that my tiny black skirt and red tank top didn't take up that much space so fuck it, might as well, and my hooker heels fit into the side pocket of my bag so I didn't have anything to worry about).

Didn't get to the hotel until midnight though, which sucked, because we ended up getting bumped up into one of their luxury suites and I wish we could have spent more time in the room. The bathroom was bigger than my condo, and is probably bigger than my next house. The room was so sweet. So we got all dressed up (damn that girl looks fucking hot in a button down shirt) and went out and had dinner and then went to a bar for some after dinner drinks, though we ended up bringing the drinks back to the room because we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

All weekend long, even in front of her parents, she has been so affectionate and sweet, always hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, that sort of thing, and it was really cute and nice. I even heard her musing about how did she get so lucky to find a girl like me? Well, I am a good girlfriend, and if you are good to me, I will do very good things to you. You get the special side of me, the side who likes to shop for naughty lingerie, the side that will attempt anything in a car (although at least she was driving, I would have crashed) at least once, the sexually aggressive girl who can make a good impression on the parents, sweet side of me.

Didn't end up getting into town until 6am Monday morning, that was a long drive home from Vegas. We took the scenic route through some more places but we were enjoying the drive and each others company. And she wants to make date plans, told me that she enjoys wining and dining me. Finally, the her that I like is back and it's wonderful. So hopefully it stays this way, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride and not think too much about it, just go about my life having fun doing my stuff and then hanging out with her. I still need to make it rugby, friends, her, and intregrate them occasionally, but she knows this so it's all good.

So now I'm trying to recover from some really late nights and catch up on sleep, but I wouldn't trade this weekend for another. And the upcoming weekends are looking to be pretty exciting too. Have some work function on Friday night followed by a birthday party, rugby get together on Saturday, relax on Sunday, maybe go mountain biking on Monday. I love my life right now.

It's finally Friday!!

Finally!! Today is shaping up to be a great day that is going to lead into a great weekend. Work is going alright, pretty busy, which makes the time fly by. I hate being fucking bored at work, it really sucks. I get to leave work and drive down and play some rugby. It's our summer 7's championships today which is great!! And then I get to hop a plane to California, which I've never been to.

I've been in a great mood ever since I woke up and I really like feeling this way. I like feeling excited and happy and giggly about everything that is going on in my life. I'm trying not to feel nervous about meeting kc's parents, I won't be once I actually get there, it's just the build-up to it. And we don't have to pick up s on our way back through so we can have some quality time together. I am going to her house to shower after rugby since it will be easier than going to my house and then I have to pick up some "tools". Let's just hope that I don't get stopped by airport security, because that might become a little awkward when they realize what's in the little grey bag. Good thing I decided against bringing my battery operated stuff!

Going to take lots of pictures this weekend and have as much fun as I possibly can. I may even jump in the ocean if the mood strikes me!! And I get to watch the sunset on the beach and see so many things that I've never seen before. I am just too excited for words!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, I'm not sure what s has against me, but wtf? Does she just have absolutely no respect for me at all or any respect for whatever it is that I have with kc?

Last night I was talking to kc and she asked me if I thought am was attractive. I was like, huh, where the hell did that come from? So I told her that I thought she was cute, but she's not my type, she's too femme for me, plus she is s's ex, and that is WAY too close to the circle for me. So anyhow, she says it's because s thinks that am is either going to hit on kc or do something bad to her. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but why on earth does s think that every girl is out for kc? I mean, yes, she is hot, and a really chill, cool chick to hang out with, but why, why the fuck does she constantly think that kc is going to go for it?

It's just as bad as the comment she made about d, telling me that I should hook up with d, like I had absolutely nothing going on with kc. I don't get her, and it bothers me, and it sucks that when we drive back from vacation this weekend we are going to stop and see s. Maybe she'll be cool. Maybe her thing with am has nothing to do with kc at all, since I did invite am to come and watch rugby tonight and she said she would. Maybe that's the bad thing she thinks is going to happen.

Damn, s confuses the fuck out of me. I don't get her, and I am just not going to try anymore. She likes to think everything has to do with some cosmic alignment, that the stars are going to guide her down her path, that they planetary alignment has everything to do with how she feels for the day. I can buy into a little bit of it, but if my horoscope says I'm going to have a bad day when I'm having a fucknig great day then I'm not going to let it bring me down, whereas she would. She would find something wrong in her day just to say that the horoscope was right. Fuck that.

Oh well, at least I get to see kc soon. And I have rugby tonight so I get to look at eye candy. Maybe I'll introduce eye candy to am, she's her type, tall, athletic, that sort of look. Then softball tomorrow, then rugby on Friday, then time to catch a plane. It seems so far away but it will fly by.