Did I read that right? Are my eyes just swimming on the page because I'm tired? Nope, sure aren't. Yeah, okay, I know I should be happy about this because well, it is what I wanted, what I want, but why is it scary as well? Wondering what I'm talking about? Sorry, I've been all over the place about it since I saw it.
I sent kc an e-mail yesterday asking her if she wanted to go on a date next week when I got back from my trip. I hadn't really expected a response, she's not the best at responding to questions and e-mails. Anyway, she responded, and then closed out the e-mail with a love, k. So yeah, it definitely caught me off guard.
For all my hemming and hawing and indecisiveness about should I say anything, and then that drunken incident, and then I haven't really said anything about it since then...she signs off an e-mail with love? Maybe she's just testing the waters. Maybe she's been impatient because I haven't said or even come close to saying those 3 little words since the drunk night at rugby prom...and that was a couple weeks ago. Maybe she thought that I only said it because I was drunk and was wondering if I would say it again sober to her.
Well, sorry, I just hadn't been feeling it with your we spent too much time together text and it's not that she wasn't affectionate all weekend, it's just she didn't respond to any of my overtures. Now, not feeling completely sure of myself, why in the hell would I say "it"? Exactly, didn't think so.
But now...now she goes and puts it out there. Maybe she is waiting for me to say it. And to throw some more shit out there, she's in Vegas this weekend visiting a friend and suddenly she's horny? She wants dirty texts and pics? Well, hopefully this means she'll want to jump me when I get home, considering her message said that she hoped our date would end with us in bed, not me having to go to work. Uh yeah, if you can wait that long! I mean, I'm certainly not going to tell her no if she wants to come over some evening before I have to go to work, otherwise she's just going to have to wait until next Friday when we go on our date.
But back to my dilemma, well, not dilemma, situation I guess. It's not like it's a bad thing, and I don't even think shocking is the right word, maybe surprising. I don't know how the switch got flipped inside of her. She goes from telling me she could see herself there to there already? I mean, she knows I'm there, well, she has to from my hysterical episode the other weekend. But, for all I can remember, I posed it as a question (what if I said...), not a statement.
Okay, I can't get all deep thinking and involved in this. She put it out there, and if I'm feeling it, I'll just tell her. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I'll probably tell her, yes, only if I'm feeling it, but come on, it's right there just waiting to be brought to the surface. I'm sure it's incredibly obvious to her and she's wondering why the fuck I haven't said anything to her since the debacle.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Epiphany
I had one while I was running errands this morning. I realized that the reason I can't express emotion or feelings, happy or sad, is because I never really learned how. And what I saw growing up was that bad things happen when you express anything, belt comes out, someone makes fun of you. I remember being told to grow up because I was crying during a movie (Where the Red Fern Grows, that was fucking sad when the dog died). And that pretty much cemented in me that showing emotion led to bad things.
My mom expressed some emotion, actually took a stand, and it almost got her killed. Not exactly the best thing to have your kids see. From then on it's been a struggle and a strain for me to express anything. My sister can only express emotion when she's been drinking. At least I haven't gone down that road. Unfortunately I've gone down the silent and withdrawl road. Not a good one either, at least I can't get into too much trouble for it, it just becomes a problem in relationships.
I realized that I have avoided arguments and fighting with someone I am with because I am scared. I have slowly learned to express happiness, delight, thanks, although with kc I'm still a little hesitant with words of stronger emotion. As far as I can remember, I have never actually had a "real" fight with anyone I was with. I tend to eat my emotions, stuff them inside, make myself sick with it (hence why I have the digestive problems). If pushed I will hesitantly bring something up, and then I will severely downplay how I'm actually feeling in order to not cause a rift.
Maybe it's because deep down I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I do things alone to force myself to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be alone, nothing bad happens to me when I'm alone. But still, I enjoy companionship. I enjoy being in a loving relationship, but my insecurities and fears start coming out when things start getting serious. I delude myself into thinking that if we don't argue or fight then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That's fucked up.
Everyone fights and disagrees. I think the reason I'm scared to fight is because I'm afraid of the other persons reaction. At least when I argue with my sister or my dad, I know they can't stay mad forever, and they can't disappear out of my life forever, they're my family, they won't get violent with me. But what about the person I'm in a relationship with? They can disappear out of my life for as long as they want, thus leaving me alone, though at least I know kc would never get violent.
If no one disagreed then the world would be a boring place. It's finding that balance between disagreeing and harmful. Wars don't get started for no reason. It's because the balance between accepting that you don't agree and realizing that it's not the end of the world is needed for that to happen. I have at least slowly (albeit rather timidly) told kc about things I don't like. One afternoon she put on Conan the Barbarian, and then asked if I liked the movie (she said it was one of her childhood favorites), I said not really. When she made me breakfast that made me ill, I told her it was probably the soggy bacon, I don't like soggy bacon. She would tease me and call me a hillbilly because I'm from NH (although the fact that she grew up on a farm doesn't seem to factor into anything since she says since it was in CA it didn't matter). I told her that I really don't like it, she listened and stopped saying it. I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, she has never been mean on purpose, just teasing, but at least she stopped saying it.
Hopefully she will let me practice with her. I need a safe place to practice. If she does something that I don't like, I need to know that she isn't going to freak out, yell, throw things, punch walls, nothing. If she needs to walk away and come back later then fine. But I need to have the safety of knowing that she isn't going to disappear forever just because she pissed me off and I told her. Although, I actually think she would be slightly relieved, shocked at first, but slightly relieved, that I am finally comfortable enough with her to be able to express myself.
And I think that she would understand where I'm coming from. She knows about my history, what happened to me growing up (well, most of it, most of what I can remember), knows that I'm extremely fragile in that area. She knows that I have a tendency to become silent and withdraw. I can't keep eating those feelings though, I have to learn to express emotion, positive or negative, as I'm feeling it, and not spend so much time overanalyzing how I'm feeling for days after something happens.
I used to loathe self-reflection, because it would make me deal with things I didn't want to think about. But kc is all about making sure that you are whole and balanced, it appears to be rubbing off on me. Or it's because I realized that all of my relationships will fail unless I deal with it, and I would really like to spend some time with her, I don't want our relationship to fail for reasons that my others failed. If our relationship fails I want it to be because of something other than the demons inside me. I would like to exorcise those demons and have a happy heart, a truly happy heart. It would appear that she would like to spend a significant amount of time with me too since she hasn't bailed yet. And she has had countless opportunities to bail. But, maybe she sees in me the parts beyond the damaged ones, the parts that are healing and growing and taking over the damaged ones. Maybe I wasn't ready to show those parts to anyone until now because they were still small and fragile.
I suppose at least that it is progess in myself that I am now realizing these things. Implementing them is a whole other thing, but at least I think, when I tell kc, she'll at least be receptive to this, and possibly even happy to help me. And I'm confident that she will be okay with the guidelines, the no yelling, screaming, thowing things, sort of stuff.
My mom expressed some emotion, actually took a stand, and it almost got her killed. Not exactly the best thing to have your kids see. From then on it's been a struggle and a strain for me to express anything. My sister can only express emotion when she's been drinking. At least I haven't gone down that road. Unfortunately I've gone down the silent and withdrawl road. Not a good one either, at least I can't get into too much trouble for it, it just becomes a problem in relationships.
I realized that I have avoided arguments and fighting with someone I am with because I am scared. I have slowly learned to express happiness, delight, thanks, although with kc I'm still a little hesitant with words of stronger emotion. As far as I can remember, I have never actually had a "real" fight with anyone I was with. I tend to eat my emotions, stuff them inside, make myself sick with it (hence why I have the digestive problems). If pushed I will hesitantly bring something up, and then I will severely downplay how I'm actually feeling in order to not cause a rift.
Maybe it's because deep down I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I do things alone to force myself to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be alone, nothing bad happens to me when I'm alone. But still, I enjoy companionship. I enjoy being in a loving relationship, but my insecurities and fears start coming out when things start getting serious. I delude myself into thinking that if we don't argue or fight then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That's fucked up.
Everyone fights and disagrees. I think the reason I'm scared to fight is because I'm afraid of the other persons reaction. At least when I argue with my sister or my dad, I know they can't stay mad forever, and they can't disappear out of my life forever, they're my family, they won't get violent with me. But what about the person I'm in a relationship with? They can disappear out of my life for as long as they want, thus leaving me alone, though at least I know kc would never get violent.
If no one disagreed then the world would be a boring place. It's finding that balance between disagreeing and harmful. Wars don't get started for no reason. It's because the balance between accepting that you don't agree and realizing that it's not the end of the world is needed for that to happen. I have at least slowly (albeit rather timidly) told kc about things I don't like. One afternoon she put on Conan the Barbarian, and then asked if I liked the movie (she said it was one of her childhood favorites), I said not really. When she made me breakfast that made me ill, I told her it was probably the soggy bacon, I don't like soggy bacon. She would tease me and call me a hillbilly because I'm from NH (although the fact that she grew up on a farm doesn't seem to factor into anything since she says since it was in CA it didn't matter). I told her that I really don't like it, she listened and stopped saying it. I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, she has never been mean on purpose, just teasing, but at least she stopped saying it.
Hopefully she will let me practice with her. I need a safe place to practice. If she does something that I don't like, I need to know that she isn't going to freak out, yell, throw things, punch walls, nothing. If she needs to walk away and come back later then fine. But I need to have the safety of knowing that she isn't going to disappear forever just because she pissed me off and I told her. Although, I actually think she would be slightly relieved, shocked at first, but slightly relieved, that I am finally comfortable enough with her to be able to express myself.
And I think that she would understand where I'm coming from. She knows about my history, what happened to me growing up (well, most of it, most of what I can remember), knows that I'm extremely fragile in that area. She knows that I have a tendency to become silent and withdraw. I can't keep eating those feelings though, I have to learn to express emotion, positive or negative, as I'm feeling it, and not spend so much time overanalyzing how I'm feeling for days after something happens.
I used to loathe self-reflection, because it would make me deal with things I didn't want to think about. But kc is all about making sure that you are whole and balanced, it appears to be rubbing off on me. Or it's because I realized that all of my relationships will fail unless I deal with it, and I would really like to spend some time with her, I don't want our relationship to fail for reasons that my others failed. If our relationship fails I want it to be because of something other than the demons inside me. I would like to exorcise those demons and have a happy heart, a truly happy heart. It would appear that she would like to spend a significant amount of time with me too since she hasn't bailed yet. And she has had countless opportunities to bail. But, maybe she sees in me the parts beyond the damaged ones, the parts that are healing and growing and taking over the damaged ones. Maybe I wasn't ready to show those parts to anyone until now because they were still small and fragile.
I suppose at least that it is progess in myself that I am now realizing these things. Implementing them is a whole other thing, but at least I think, when I tell kc, she'll at least be receptive to this, and possibly even happy to help me. And I'm confident that she will be okay with the guidelines, the no yelling, screaming, thowing things, sort of stuff.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Neediness
I don't really think I am that needy, I mean, I don't think that I ask for that much, but maybe I do. Maybe I just don't talk to her enough about it. Maybe I just don't tell her what I want and need and that is why I feel such a need for something. I can't put my finger on it.
I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.
I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.
But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.
At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?
I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.
No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.
Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.
I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.
I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.
But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.
At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?
I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.
No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.
Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Butterflies...
I have come to realize that those 3 little words don't actually need to come out of my mouth, kc already knows it. I'm not really sure what I said that night after rugby prom that made her get back to who she was with me, but whatever it was, it worked.
She has been all snuggly and affectionate and attentive when we spend time together. Which is a nice change from her almost ignoring me and then not being her usual self when she is with me. We went for a hike on Sunday, that was a good time, good talking. Then Sunday night she helped me pack up stuff in my room and load it into her truck and my car and then I went and slept at her house on Sunday night. Monday I closed on my condo (so fucking happy!) and she helped me move in and make another ride up to my storage unit to get stuff. She didn't bitch at all about getting stuck in rush hour traffic, only a little bit that she was hungry (she gets cranky when she gets hungry like I get cranky when I get tired, guess it's fair). I made her delicious dinner after I went to the grocery store and then we went to bed early. We were both pretty wiped. I definitely could have had some seriously sleepy sex, but we both passed out before that could happen.
Then today we woke up, I made some waffles and stuff for breakfast and we hung out for a bit. But I had to get unpacking and she had stuff she had to do. And then my toilet got clogged, so sad, my first full day in my place and something breaks already. Had to go to Home Depot and buy a plunger, and then I couldn't get it to work, apparently I don't have the right technique. So kc came over and fixed it for me and then we watched a movie, well, started to watch a movie, and then she wanted to have sex!! Yes, finally, back into the swing of things.
I love having sex with that girl. So much so in fact that I almost blurted out those 3 little words. But that's when I realized that it doesn't matter, she knows that I love her, whether or not I actually say it out loud. Watching the movie, having sex, and then cooking dinner of course made me a little late for work. No nap either so I'm tired as all hell, hopefully this means I'll sleep good today. It's snowing out, so the sun won't be shining in on me. I get to stop and get stuff from my storage unit in the morning, buy some soap, and get a new phone (mine broke on me this weekend, not exactly sure how since it was fine one minute and then the top was coming off the next) so hopefully I'll miss traffic on my ride home. My commute just went from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, but I love my new place so it's definitely worth it.
I'm so happy that things are going well. It's such a nice feeling, and I'm going to maintain it. I just need to stay relaxed and enjoy life and what is happening at this moment.
She has been all snuggly and affectionate and attentive when we spend time together. Which is a nice change from her almost ignoring me and then not being her usual self when she is with me. We went for a hike on Sunday, that was a good time, good talking. Then Sunday night she helped me pack up stuff in my room and load it into her truck and my car and then I went and slept at her house on Sunday night. Monday I closed on my condo (so fucking happy!) and she helped me move in and make another ride up to my storage unit to get stuff. She didn't bitch at all about getting stuck in rush hour traffic, only a little bit that she was hungry (she gets cranky when she gets hungry like I get cranky when I get tired, guess it's fair). I made her delicious dinner after I went to the grocery store and then we went to bed early. We were both pretty wiped. I definitely could have had some seriously sleepy sex, but we both passed out before that could happen.
Then today we woke up, I made some waffles and stuff for breakfast and we hung out for a bit. But I had to get unpacking and she had stuff she had to do. And then my toilet got clogged, so sad, my first full day in my place and something breaks already. Had to go to Home Depot and buy a plunger, and then I couldn't get it to work, apparently I don't have the right technique. So kc came over and fixed it for me and then we watched a movie, well, started to watch a movie, and then she wanted to have sex!! Yes, finally, back into the swing of things.
I love having sex with that girl. So much so in fact that I almost blurted out those 3 little words. But that's when I realized that it doesn't matter, she knows that I love her, whether or not I actually say it out loud. Watching the movie, having sex, and then cooking dinner of course made me a little late for work. No nap either so I'm tired as all hell, hopefully this means I'll sleep good today. It's snowing out, so the sun won't be shining in on me. I get to stop and get stuff from my storage unit in the morning, buy some soap, and get a new phone (mine broke on me this weekend, not exactly sure how since it was fine one minute and then the top was coming off the next) so hopefully I'll miss traffic on my ride home. My commute just went from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, but I love my new place so it's definitely worth it.
I'm so happy that things are going well. It's such a nice feeling, and I'm going to maintain it. I just need to stay relaxed and enjoy life and what is happening at this moment.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Working out
So, yes, relaxing and calming my brain down and not overthinking actually do work well for me. Yes, I do think that part of my problem was that we were spending way too much time together. So even though she isn't going out of town this weekend, I'm still going to plan on doing my stuff that I was going to do tonight and tomorrow. And no, I'm not going to invite her. I don't think she would come anyway.
However, I did get an e-mail asking if I wanted to go hiking with her. Usually it's me that is throwing out ideas of stuff to do since she usually has her calendar booked, but she actually wanted to make plans with me, for Saturday and Sunday. Guess this means I can stop worrying about how she feels about me since she wants to make plans with me. I told her I was busy on Saturday but that we could go hiking on Sunday. And at least her being home means that I can rope her into helping me move on Monday after I close on my condo. And maybe, just maybe, she'll actually want to have sex with me. Damn I hope so.
This is shaping up to be a good weekend, hopefully the weather works in my favor. I get to go watch girls beat each other up on rollerskates with j & t tonight, workout with s & g Saturday morning then carpool up to go tailgating with the rugby girls and hang with bfd. Probably stay up there Saturday night so we can get our drink on. Sunday go for a hike with kc, pack some shit into my car so I can move on Monday, Monday close on my condo and move in (so fucking excited!), have Monday night off from work so I can spend the first night in my house (hopefully break it in that night too!), then Tuesday unpack and maybe go for another hike with kc.
And it's all stuff I want to do. And I started looking at plane tickets so I can go visit bfr! It would be my first time travelling internationally by myself (2nd time ever in my life), but I'm sure I can handle it. Plus I haven't seen her in 2 years (I know, I can't believe it's been that long)! No time like the present though to do the stuff I've been wanting to do for a long time.
However, I did get an e-mail asking if I wanted to go hiking with her. Usually it's me that is throwing out ideas of stuff to do since she usually has her calendar booked, but she actually wanted to make plans with me, for Saturday and Sunday. Guess this means I can stop worrying about how she feels about me since she wants to make plans with me. I told her I was busy on Saturday but that we could go hiking on Sunday. And at least her being home means that I can rope her into helping me move on Monday after I close on my condo. And maybe, just maybe, she'll actually want to have sex with me. Damn I hope so.
This is shaping up to be a good weekend, hopefully the weather works in my favor. I get to go watch girls beat each other up on rollerskates with j & t tonight, workout with s & g Saturday morning then carpool up to go tailgating with the rugby girls and hang with bfd. Probably stay up there Saturday night so we can get our drink on. Sunday go for a hike with kc, pack some shit into my car so I can move on Monday, Monday close on my condo and move in (so fucking excited!), have Monday night off from work so I can spend the first night in my house (hopefully break it in that night too!), then Tuesday unpack and maybe go for another hike with kc.
And it's all stuff I want to do. And I started looking at plane tickets so I can go visit bfr! It would be my first time travelling internationally by myself (2nd time ever in my life), but I'm sure I can handle it. Plus I haven't seen her in 2 years (I know, I can't believe it's been that long)! No time like the present though to do the stuff I've been wanting to do for a long time.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Ack...
Why, when I should be feeling really excited about my life right now, do I not? I just need to relax and not overthink things like I normally do, not overanalyze every little thing that happens.
Let's see...I got a call from my lendor yesterday and she said that all the financing went through, there was no problem or issue with my job, so I am officially approved for the loan on my condo. Now I just have to wait for the appraisal to be done, which I believe is happening tomorrow. If the appraisal goes through and nothing is too different, then the place is mine since the seller made me lock into the agreement when I made him put a new furnace in. This should be incredibly satisfying, and it is, so why is my mood so melancholy?
Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping. I am really starting to hate this shift, not the people, the people are much better than my other shift, it's just the hours. The hours are fucking with me so bad. And then I get home and the dogs bark all throughout the day, and that keeps me awake. I've been trying to go work out in the mornings to see if that will help me sleep better, but so far it just keeps me awake longer. Which will be a good thing I guess once I am having to commute to work, I'll miss the traffic and I'll be awake for the 45 minute drive. And there won't be any dogs barking.
These things should be making me happy and excited, and if I could just get a good days sleep then I would be fucking great. Hopefully this move works out for me. I'm going to go buy some blackout curtains on Tuesday, and some shelves for my sitting room so I can get some plants, and hopefully with the blackout curtains and some ear plugs I'll be able to sleep like a baby. It's not really outside noise, I think the condo keeps most of that out, it's the dogs barking inside. I can't get past those fucking dogs, oh, and the TV. I'm not sure if they realize it, but that TV is fucking LOUD! And it's upstairs, and no matter how low they turn the volume, it's still really loud. Or I just have really good hearing. Either way it wakes me up.
I can't wait to move, I really can't. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything that they have done for me, opening up their home to me in my time of need, not charging me rent, not complaining about my crazy hours and sometimes crazy company, not complaining about anything at all. I only hope that I can help someone out like that someday if I am on the other end of that situation. It's just time for me to move on. I am in a much better place mentally, physically, financially, and almost emotionally. Although, I think the only thing that will help me emotionally is a good fuck from kc.
I'd go down there Friday morning after work but she's going out of town I think, or maybe she changed her mind, she doesn't really tell me these things. Still going to hang out with j on Friday night and watch the roller derby. I mean, we all know how much I love tackling chicks, so watching chicks knock each other around on skates should be pretty good entertainment. Bummer is that if kc is out of town I have to drive all the way back up to my house. Which, at least after this weekend, won't be so far away.
I think I am really excited, it's just my sleep deprivation is clouding my ability to have any sort of emotional outburst until it is too late and then it all comes out at once in a flurry of drunk talk. I was just not fully prepared for this. The last time I worked the graveyard shift in college it wasn't that bad, the only person who really saw me was my mom and she understood. kc understands, but she still wants me to be who I am when I've had a good night of great sleep. And here's where the fuck comes in, that helps me sleep. Really well. And it helps me relax, which I need.
If kc goes out of town this weekend she is going to get me some stuff to help me relax and whatnot. I guess that's good, I need it. I'm not sure how I feel about her feeling that I should be medicated though, although I have been medicated in the past, so it's nothing new to me. I just need to find a new job and get back to the day shift. My life was so much more in control, I mean, sure, there were nights when I would only get 4-5 hours of sleep, but for some reason, emotionally, I just felt a lot better than I do right now. And I know it has to do with me working on this shift.
Maybe if I relax I won't overthink things with kc either. I mean, she said she can see herself spending a long time with me. So why do I feel the need to keep thinking about things? I mean, at least she texted me first today, but that was probably because I slept until 8:30pm this evening. I was awake when I heard my phone beep, but I was just laying there because I didn't want to get out of bed, I was so warm and toasty. Side note: my new pillow is fucking wondeful, my neck doesn't hurt when I wake up so that is something to be happy about! Although, she only talked to me for a little bit. I figure she passed out on her couch...again...what a shock. At least I don't really have to worry about her cheating on me, she barely leaves her house. I know she would never do that anyway, she has made that mistake in the past and saw what it did to her girlfriend, plus she knows that I have been cheated on and I've told her what it did to me.
I need a vacation. For sure. I need to take a few days, go somewhere, clear my head, catch up on my sleep, relax, and be comfortable. That's what it took for me last time to get my shit together, a week with my aunts. I can't afford to take a week off from work, which is a huge bummer, but I need to get my ass out across the pond to vist BFr. I need to work on that now. I have enough money in savings to cover a trip so why haven't I done it yet? I need to do what I wanted to do and go out there for New Years, or sometime before school starts in January because after that I won't have much time. That's it, I need to book that trip.
Let's see...I got a call from my lendor yesterday and she said that all the financing went through, there was no problem or issue with my job, so I am officially approved for the loan on my condo. Now I just have to wait for the appraisal to be done, which I believe is happening tomorrow. If the appraisal goes through and nothing is too different, then the place is mine since the seller made me lock into the agreement when I made him put a new furnace in. This should be incredibly satisfying, and it is, so why is my mood so melancholy?
Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping. I am really starting to hate this shift, not the people, the people are much better than my other shift, it's just the hours. The hours are fucking with me so bad. And then I get home and the dogs bark all throughout the day, and that keeps me awake. I've been trying to go work out in the mornings to see if that will help me sleep better, but so far it just keeps me awake longer. Which will be a good thing I guess once I am having to commute to work, I'll miss the traffic and I'll be awake for the 45 minute drive. And there won't be any dogs barking.
These things should be making me happy and excited, and if I could just get a good days sleep then I would be fucking great. Hopefully this move works out for me. I'm going to go buy some blackout curtains on Tuesday, and some shelves for my sitting room so I can get some plants, and hopefully with the blackout curtains and some ear plugs I'll be able to sleep like a baby. It's not really outside noise, I think the condo keeps most of that out, it's the dogs barking inside. I can't get past those fucking dogs, oh, and the TV. I'm not sure if they realize it, but that TV is fucking LOUD! And it's upstairs, and no matter how low they turn the volume, it's still really loud. Or I just have really good hearing. Either way it wakes me up.
I can't wait to move, I really can't. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything that they have done for me, opening up their home to me in my time of need, not charging me rent, not complaining about my crazy hours and sometimes crazy company, not complaining about anything at all. I only hope that I can help someone out like that someday if I am on the other end of that situation. It's just time for me to move on. I am in a much better place mentally, physically, financially, and almost emotionally. Although, I think the only thing that will help me emotionally is a good fuck from kc.
I'd go down there Friday morning after work but she's going out of town I think, or maybe she changed her mind, she doesn't really tell me these things. Still going to hang out with j on Friday night and watch the roller derby. I mean, we all know how much I love tackling chicks, so watching chicks knock each other around on skates should be pretty good entertainment. Bummer is that if kc is out of town I have to drive all the way back up to my house. Which, at least after this weekend, won't be so far away.
I think I am really excited, it's just my sleep deprivation is clouding my ability to have any sort of emotional outburst until it is too late and then it all comes out at once in a flurry of drunk talk. I was just not fully prepared for this. The last time I worked the graveyard shift in college it wasn't that bad, the only person who really saw me was my mom and she understood. kc understands, but she still wants me to be who I am when I've had a good night of great sleep. And here's where the fuck comes in, that helps me sleep. Really well. And it helps me relax, which I need.
If kc goes out of town this weekend she is going to get me some stuff to help me relax and whatnot. I guess that's good, I need it. I'm not sure how I feel about her feeling that I should be medicated though, although I have been medicated in the past, so it's nothing new to me. I just need to find a new job and get back to the day shift. My life was so much more in control, I mean, sure, there were nights when I would only get 4-5 hours of sleep, but for some reason, emotionally, I just felt a lot better than I do right now. And I know it has to do with me working on this shift.
Maybe if I relax I won't overthink things with kc either. I mean, she said she can see herself spending a long time with me. So why do I feel the need to keep thinking about things? I mean, at least she texted me first today, but that was probably because I slept until 8:30pm this evening. I was awake when I heard my phone beep, but I was just laying there because I didn't want to get out of bed, I was so warm and toasty. Side note: my new pillow is fucking wondeful, my neck doesn't hurt when I wake up so that is something to be happy about! Although, she only talked to me for a little bit. I figure she passed out on her couch...again...what a shock. At least I don't really have to worry about her cheating on me, she barely leaves her house. I know she would never do that anyway, she has made that mistake in the past and saw what it did to her girlfriend, plus she knows that I have been cheated on and I've told her what it did to me.
I need a vacation. For sure. I need to take a few days, go somewhere, clear my head, catch up on my sleep, relax, and be comfortable. That's what it took for me last time to get my shit together, a week with my aunts. I can't afford to take a week off from work, which is a huge bummer, but I need to get my ass out across the pond to vist BFr. I need to work on that now. I have enough money in savings to cover a trip so why haven't I done it yet? I need to do what I wanted to do and go out there for New Years, or sometime before school starts in January because after that I won't have much time. That's it, I need to book that trip.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Oopsie...or maybe not
This is why I didn't want to be getting drunk in front of her. Oh well, can't take back what I said, unfortunate thing is I can't quite recall all of what I said because I said it in a flurry of tears, anger, confusion, and a whole host of other things brought on by PMS and a large intake of beer.
So kc said that she bailed on me on Friday night for the movie because she wanted to have some space to hang out with her friends and stuff and she really wasn't in the mood to watch a movie. Fine, but if she didn't want to go see the movie she should have just said so in the first place, I wouldn't have bought the ticket for her. I still would have gone myself because I really like getting the free passes, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to me. However, instead, she got incredibly wasted and showed up Saturday night still having a hangover.
I told her that we were at the bar getting margaritas and beers and she just kept texting me saying she didn't want to go there and not explaining herself. Finally she called me because she was tired of texting and then at least explained that she had a hangover. WTF? Bummer for you but if you had a little self control then you wouldn't. Not to mention the fact that because of the hangover she was antisocial and not really all that fun to be around.
Which is completely ironic and hypocritical on her part because whenever she wants me to do something with her friends she expects me to be completely social and charming and if I'm not then she thinks that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not being myself. Sorry, but we all have days where we're not feeling that social. It just seems as if she wants me to be social and hang out with her friends, but when she doesn't want to hang out with mine she says it's because she wants me to be able to spend alone time with them and do my own thing. Of course I'm going to do my own thing, but when I invite her it's also because they have invited her and want her there to hang out.
Oh well, back to the drunk part. Although first, I thought that I looked pretty fucking good on Saturday night. Everyone paid me some very nice compliments, including my ex. However, all I got from kc was that I looked good, with hardly any emotion involved at all. Not exactly the reason that I bought the dress in the first place.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, getting drunk. So pretty much in my head I was annoyed at her right from the beginning, everyone kept asking where she was and I had to tell them she's always late, and then I had to explain that she was sitting in the parking lot at the party because she didn't want to go to the bar beforehand because she had a hangover. Fine, whatever. But at least attempt to fake some fucking social skills. I'm not sure why she thinks that her being around inhibits me, I don't think that I act any different around her than I do anyone else. Or maybe I do, or maybe she just perceives that I do. And, please, spare my feelings and lie and tell me you had a good time, but when you bitch to your roommates about it make sure I'm not around.
Okay, back to the drunkenness. So I was kind of annoyed, I got over it. I just kept drinking. Then we get back to my place afterward and I brush my teeth and get ready for bed and attempt to kiss her and she just throws me off of her. To which I start hysterically crying, I mean, what the fuck? She says it's because I haven't been myself lately, to which I replied that yes I had, who did she think was with her tonight?
So then we got into a discussion, well, I'm not sure you could call it a discussion, considering I was sobbing on her shoulder. And then it all got laid out on the table. At least I think it did. I recall me asking her what I did that made her happy (yes she does enjoy me calling her sunshine, and she likes my e-mails and texts) to which I asked why didn't she think that her doing those things for me wouldn't make me happy? I told her that it had made me feel worthless that she couldn't even be bothered to write me a stupid e-mail since she wouldn't call me to explain about Friday night. She said that it was because she hadn't had hardly any time on the computer (which is plausible I guess since h and s are always on it), that she didn't have time to do anything she likes, including reading my bulletin surveys and stupid shit.
Then she brought up the me being scared of her thing, I told her I wasn't scared of her. I was scared of how I felt about her because I knew that she didn't feel the same way. She asked how I knew she didn't feel that way and I told her it was because of little things she would say or do. Then she said that that wasn't true, she said she could see herself being with me for a very long time, but that because of the other weekend when I was a "different person" that she wasn't attracted to she didn't know. She said it was a huge bummer because she really did want to spend a length of time with me.
And then...I asked her how she would feel if I told her I loved her. Yup, sure did put that out there. For as much as I haven't wanted to, have been scared to, it sure did come out while I was drunk and hysterically crying on her shoulder. She said that she could see herself having those feelings for me to, as long as I don't go into this other personality that she doesn't like. OH FUCK, some of this conversation is coming back to me now as I write it down. She said that I shouldn't be scared to express my feelings to her. I am pretty sure though, that an actual I love you didn't come out of my mouth, because I think that at least my subconscious was taking over to help my inebraited state, because frankly, if I'm going to say that to her it's not going to be when I'm drunk, at least not the first time.
I'm pretty sure that is where the conversation took a turn. I'm not sure which direction it turned in, but I think it was a good one considering the rest of the weekend, and the rest of the conversation. She said that she isn't a really romantic person and doesn't feel the need to verbally express it, that she's not going to sit there and express her undying love and devotion to me, but that she does it in other ways, more physical ways and emotional ways. It's kind of sad that she isn't that romantic, because I am, though the only romantic I was ever with was the ex ex. But I guess at least I know where she stands. And hopefully she is back to feeling like she could spend a long time with me and that she is going to let the deeper feelings continue to develop since she said they were on their way there. And hopefully that will make her want to fuck me again because this whole not having sex thing really fucking blows.
I think I passed out sometime right after this part, at least I hope I did, because I can't recall a fucking thing that was really said after that. Although, I do remember her saying she wanted to have that conversation again when I was sober to see if my responses were the same (though we haven't yet). However, the next morning we snuggled in bed until around noon, which we haven't done in a long time. We went and got breakfast together, conversation was good, atmosphere was relaxing. I went down to her house afterward. She had to work on some stuff for school and I did some GRE studying (which I need to do a lot more of). Then we snuggled on the couch and watched football.
We haven't really done a lot of snuggling lately, and she hasn't been very affectionate, however after Saturday's conversation, both things have been happening. This is why I think the conversation took our relationship for a turn for the better instead of a turn for the worse (oh yeah, another thing I pointed out to her, Saturday night was the first time she actually referred to herself as my girlfriend, with me standing there, yeah, the first time I've heard the words come out of her mouth, which is another reason I told her that I had no idea how she felt about me).
And I was having really bad cramps (at least PMS is fucking over) on Sunday night and she was being very attentive and nice, getting me aspirin, cuddling on the couch with me, getting me dinner and refilling my water glass. She even wanted to go upstairs and go to bed after the movie was over, and normally she is content to fall asleep on the couch, whereas I like to go upstairs to the bedroom.
Then today she woke up early (well, she set her alarm early), we laid in bed before she had to go to class. I got up and studied some more GRE stuff while she was at school. She came back and had some stuff she had to do, made me some breakfast which gave me a horrible stomach ache that made me want to vomit. I laid on the couch all afternoon, she kept coming in to check on me, at one point we walked to the store so she could get me a 7-Up to make my stomach feel better (pretty sure it was the turkey bacon that she swears was pre-cooked, it's not that I don't believe her, I just told her that I prefer mine crunchy not soggy, hey, at least I was honest). And we got to snuggle and watch Monday Night Football. Well, yeah, I fell asleep as usual, but I fell asleep on her lap while she rubbed my back and my head.
And she made out with me when she walked me to my car before I had to drive to work. So I think that things are getting back on track. She is probably going out of town this weekend which will be good, we both need the space. I just really want her to come back on Monday so she can spend my first night in my new place with me. If all goes according to plan I close on my condo on Monday, which I guess means I won't be able to sleep with her until the following weekend, oh well, maybe she'll at least come over when she gets back. And at least I already have plans. Huge bummer I'm not already in my place though because some of those plans involve being in the city, at least Friday night, then doing stuff with the rugby girls and visiting my best friend on Saturday.
So it's all good, wasn't really going to spend the weekend with her. And then in 2 weeksI fly out of town to visit my family. So maybe this is the separation that we need to get our relationship back to where it was before I started freaking out about dropping an L bomb. And, if I love you does happen to pop out of my mouth at some point, then at least I know she's not going to run screaming in the other direction.
So kc said that she bailed on me on Friday night for the movie because she wanted to have some space to hang out with her friends and stuff and she really wasn't in the mood to watch a movie. Fine, but if she didn't want to go see the movie she should have just said so in the first place, I wouldn't have bought the ticket for her. I still would have gone myself because I really like getting the free passes, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to me. However, instead, she got incredibly wasted and showed up Saturday night still having a hangover.
I told her that we were at the bar getting margaritas and beers and she just kept texting me saying she didn't want to go there and not explaining herself. Finally she called me because she was tired of texting and then at least explained that she had a hangover. WTF? Bummer for you but if you had a little self control then you wouldn't. Not to mention the fact that because of the hangover she was antisocial and not really all that fun to be around.
Which is completely ironic and hypocritical on her part because whenever she wants me to do something with her friends she expects me to be completely social and charming and if I'm not then she thinks that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not being myself. Sorry, but we all have days where we're not feeling that social. It just seems as if she wants me to be social and hang out with her friends, but when she doesn't want to hang out with mine she says it's because she wants me to be able to spend alone time with them and do my own thing. Of course I'm going to do my own thing, but when I invite her it's also because they have invited her and want her there to hang out.
Oh well, back to the drunk part. Although first, I thought that I looked pretty fucking good on Saturday night. Everyone paid me some very nice compliments, including my ex. However, all I got from kc was that I looked good, with hardly any emotion involved at all. Not exactly the reason that I bought the dress in the first place.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, getting drunk. So pretty much in my head I was annoyed at her right from the beginning, everyone kept asking where she was and I had to tell them she's always late, and then I had to explain that she was sitting in the parking lot at the party because she didn't want to go to the bar beforehand because she had a hangover. Fine, whatever. But at least attempt to fake some fucking social skills. I'm not sure why she thinks that her being around inhibits me, I don't think that I act any different around her than I do anyone else. Or maybe I do, or maybe she just perceives that I do. And, please, spare my feelings and lie and tell me you had a good time, but when you bitch to your roommates about it make sure I'm not around.
Okay, back to the drunkenness. So I was kind of annoyed, I got over it. I just kept drinking. Then we get back to my place afterward and I brush my teeth and get ready for bed and attempt to kiss her and she just throws me off of her. To which I start hysterically crying, I mean, what the fuck? She says it's because I haven't been myself lately, to which I replied that yes I had, who did she think was with her tonight?
So then we got into a discussion, well, I'm not sure you could call it a discussion, considering I was sobbing on her shoulder. And then it all got laid out on the table. At least I think it did. I recall me asking her what I did that made her happy (yes she does enjoy me calling her sunshine, and she likes my e-mails and texts) to which I asked why didn't she think that her doing those things for me wouldn't make me happy? I told her that it had made me feel worthless that she couldn't even be bothered to write me a stupid e-mail since she wouldn't call me to explain about Friday night. She said that it was because she hadn't had hardly any time on the computer (which is plausible I guess since h and s are always on it), that she didn't have time to do anything she likes, including reading my bulletin surveys and stupid shit.
Then she brought up the me being scared of her thing, I told her I wasn't scared of her. I was scared of how I felt about her because I knew that she didn't feel the same way. She asked how I knew she didn't feel that way and I told her it was because of little things she would say or do. Then she said that that wasn't true, she said she could see herself being with me for a very long time, but that because of the other weekend when I was a "different person" that she wasn't attracted to she didn't know. She said it was a huge bummer because she really did want to spend a length of time with me.
And then...I asked her how she would feel if I told her I loved her. Yup, sure did put that out there. For as much as I haven't wanted to, have been scared to, it sure did come out while I was drunk and hysterically crying on her shoulder. She said that she could see herself having those feelings for me to, as long as I don't go into this other personality that she doesn't like. OH FUCK, some of this conversation is coming back to me now as I write it down. She said that I shouldn't be scared to express my feelings to her. I am pretty sure though, that an actual I love you didn't come out of my mouth, because I think that at least my subconscious was taking over to help my inebraited state, because frankly, if I'm going to say that to her it's not going to be when I'm drunk, at least not the first time.
I'm pretty sure that is where the conversation took a turn. I'm not sure which direction it turned in, but I think it was a good one considering the rest of the weekend, and the rest of the conversation. She said that she isn't a really romantic person and doesn't feel the need to verbally express it, that she's not going to sit there and express her undying love and devotion to me, but that she does it in other ways, more physical ways and emotional ways. It's kind of sad that she isn't that romantic, because I am, though the only romantic I was ever with was the ex ex. But I guess at least I know where she stands. And hopefully she is back to feeling like she could spend a long time with me and that she is going to let the deeper feelings continue to develop since she said they were on their way there. And hopefully that will make her want to fuck me again because this whole not having sex thing really fucking blows.
I think I passed out sometime right after this part, at least I hope I did, because I can't recall a fucking thing that was really said after that. Although, I do remember her saying she wanted to have that conversation again when I was sober to see if my responses were the same (though we haven't yet). However, the next morning we snuggled in bed until around noon, which we haven't done in a long time. We went and got breakfast together, conversation was good, atmosphere was relaxing. I went down to her house afterward. She had to work on some stuff for school and I did some GRE studying (which I need to do a lot more of). Then we snuggled on the couch and watched football.
We haven't really done a lot of snuggling lately, and she hasn't been very affectionate, however after Saturday's conversation, both things have been happening. This is why I think the conversation took our relationship for a turn for the better instead of a turn for the worse (oh yeah, another thing I pointed out to her, Saturday night was the first time she actually referred to herself as my girlfriend, with me standing there, yeah, the first time I've heard the words come out of her mouth, which is another reason I told her that I had no idea how she felt about me).
And I was having really bad cramps (at least PMS is fucking over) on Sunday night and she was being very attentive and nice, getting me aspirin, cuddling on the couch with me, getting me dinner and refilling my water glass. She even wanted to go upstairs and go to bed after the movie was over, and normally she is content to fall asleep on the couch, whereas I like to go upstairs to the bedroom.
Then today she woke up early (well, she set her alarm early), we laid in bed before she had to go to class. I got up and studied some more GRE stuff while she was at school. She came back and had some stuff she had to do, made me some breakfast which gave me a horrible stomach ache that made me want to vomit. I laid on the couch all afternoon, she kept coming in to check on me, at one point we walked to the store so she could get me a 7-Up to make my stomach feel better (pretty sure it was the turkey bacon that she swears was pre-cooked, it's not that I don't believe her, I just told her that I prefer mine crunchy not soggy, hey, at least I was honest). And we got to snuggle and watch Monday Night Football. Well, yeah, I fell asleep as usual, but I fell asleep on her lap while she rubbed my back and my head.
And she made out with me when she walked me to my car before I had to drive to work. So I think that things are getting back on track. She is probably going out of town this weekend which will be good, we both need the space. I just really want her to come back on Monday so she can spend my first night in my new place with me. If all goes according to plan I close on my condo on Monday, which I guess means I won't be able to sleep with her until the following weekend, oh well, maybe she'll at least come over when she gets back. And at least I already have plans. Huge bummer I'm not already in my place though because some of those plans involve being in the city, at least Friday night, then doing stuff with the rugby girls and visiting my best friend on Saturday.
So it's all good, wasn't really going to spend the weekend with her. And then in 2 weeksI fly out of town to visit my family. So maybe this is the separation that we need to get our relationship back to where it was before I started freaking out about dropping an L bomb. And, if I love you does happen to pop out of my mouth at some point, then at least I know she's not going to run screaming in the other direction.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Trying not to be pissed
I'm trying really hard, and more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, and the more I start stewing about it. kc was supposed to call me today and explain why she was bailing on me tonight for the movie. I mean, I'm pretty sure she should be giving me an explanation as to why she is bailing since I've had this planned for the last month and am really looking forward to the movie. So I texted her today and said that I was awake, call whenever. She said she wasn't going to call me, so I told her she could just e-mail her reasoning then. She said she was going to last night but she fell asleep on the couch, but she can send me one today.
Now, call me crazy, but I would take that to believe that she would be sending me one. That was at 10pm when I first got to work. I text-talked to her at 1am, she was sitting on the couch watching Scarface. So what, you can't get up for 5 minutes and compose an e-mail to me that explains something that is kind of important to me? Unless it's just a really dumb reason as to why she is bailing and she's avoiding the conversation, but for real, I told her I wasn't pissed, I was bummed but I'd get over it. So why can't she just take a few minutes to make some kind of effort to contact me.
It makes me feel like I am just not worth it to her. Like I don't even merit getting off her ass for a couple minutes to compose an e-mail, let alone actually dial the numbers to physically talk to me. I mean, am I worth it to her? I don't think that I am an overly expectant person, but I would like a little follow through. If you say you're going to call me then call me, if you say you're going to send me an e-mail then fucking write the damn message.
WTF? I mean, I try to do little things for her that I think make her happy, at least I know that if she did those things for me then that would make me happy. I send her cute little messages, pictures, e-mails, sometimes even just to say hi and that I'm thinking of her. Does she not think that I would like those things?
I wonder if she actually thinks about what she does that brings a smile to my face. Or does she just do things because she feels like she has to? I don't want her to do them out of obligation, I want her to do them because she genuinely wants to make me happy.
Okay, I just need to send her a text to tell her to call me, not attempt a text-a-thon all morning or afternoon. Just tell her that I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill since that's what I usually do and that if she just calls me and talks to me then I will feel a lot better. I don't want to go into this weekend being upset with her and not talking to her about it, that would just be no fun, because then I'm sure my subconcious will do the talking that my conscious can't and that's no good. My subconscious can be kinda mean when I'm upset. And if I'm gonna cry (because well frankly I'm sure I will, at least this time I know it's PMS) then I may as well get it out this afternoon before I go to the movies and certainly before we go to the rugby prom.
Now, call me crazy, but I would take that to believe that she would be sending me one. That was at 10pm when I first got to work. I text-talked to her at 1am, she was sitting on the couch watching Scarface. So what, you can't get up for 5 minutes and compose an e-mail to me that explains something that is kind of important to me? Unless it's just a really dumb reason as to why she is bailing and she's avoiding the conversation, but for real, I told her I wasn't pissed, I was bummed but I'd get over it. So why can't she just take a few minutes to make some kind of effort to contact me.
It makes me feel like I am just not worth it to her. Like I don't even merit getting off her ass for a couple minutes to compose an e-mail, let alone actually dial the numbers to physically talk to me. I mean, am I worth it to her? I don't think that I am an overly expectant person, but I would like a little follow through. If you say you're going to call me then call me, if you say you're going to send me an e-mail then fucking write the damn message.
WTF? I mean, I try to do little things for her that I think make her happy, at least I know that if she did those things for me then that would make me happy. I send her cute little messages, pictures, e-mails, sometimes even just to say hi and that I'm thinking of her. Does she not think that I would like those things?
I wonder if she actually thinks about what she does that brings a smile to my face. Or does she just do things because she feels like she has to? I don't want her to do them out of obligation, I want her to do them because she genuinely wants to make me happy.
Okay, I just need to send her a text to tell her to call me, not attempt a text-a-thon all morning or afternoon. Just tell her that I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill since that's what I usually do and that if she just calls me and talks to me then I will feel a lot better. I don't want to go into this weekend being upset with her and not talking to her about it, that would just be no fun, because then I'm sure my subconcious will do the talking that my conscious can't and that's no good. My subconscious can be kinda mean when I'm upset. And if I'm gonna cry (because well frankly I'm sure I will, at least this time I know it's PMS) then I may as well get it out this afternoon before I go to the movies and certainly before we go to the rugby prom.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Ditched
Bummer, I had most of the weekend figured out, well, pretty much all of it, at least what we were doing at night, and she bails on me. Well, she only bailed on Friday night, and she better have a pretty fucking good reason why since I already bought tickets for the event. I'll find out tomorrow what that reason is, she said it was complicated and it had to be a conversation not a text fest which is fine by me, trying to relay a story using only 150 characters is pretty fucking impossible.
At least I told her I was pretty bummed about it. I mean, I'll get over it, but still bummed nontheless. The good thing about getting out and meeting people and making friends though is that I at least can send out an e-mail to the rugby team and I'm sure that someone will want it, if not I've got other friends I could call, although one of them is already coming with me. Anyway, I'm not going to let it ruin my night, I'll still have a kick ass Friday night, and maybe it'll be a good thing since I think that we've been spending a little too much time together anyway.
And she didn't bail for Saturday night. For some reason she hates proms and dances and such, but this is really just like one of our drink-ups, just dressed up. Maybe I should tell her about my prom experiences from high school. Let's see, my junior prom my girlfriend wouldn't go with me for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was we'd be the only lesbian couple there, so I ended up going with a group of friends, and yes, I was the only one without a date. It wasn't too bad, found a couple other single girls and made the best of it. My senior prom was a little different. By then I had been outed to the entire high school so now my girlfriend REALLY wouldn't go with me. I had no group of friends to go with because they all bailed once I got outed. I drove there by myself, walked in alone, and have no pictures of the evening at all. My sister's boyfriend bought me a corsage because he wanted to be nice, and it was nice. I spent the evening hanging near my little sister and her circle of friends and ended up going to an after party with them where one of the guys tried to feel me up in the back of his car. Not exactly the most memorable experience.
But then I got to college and started playing rugby. Rugby parties were always fun. Even our formals were fun. And no one cared that my date was a girl, even though I was the only one bringing a girl for a date. We all got dressed up, drunk, and danced the night away. I know that kc isn't really a big dancer, that's fine, she has watched me dance before. I just know that my experiences with rugby parties have been much more enjoyable and memorable than any high school prom I ever went to.
So hopefully she can have a good time and relax and enjoy it. She knows that us rugby girls are a crazy lot and the guys are even crazier. It will be a really fun evening. And since she hates these sort of things I'm really not going to get my hopes up for anything, although maybe she'll bring flowers since she did bial on me for Friday night. Anyway, not going to dwell on it. Just going to make the best of both nights and have a really good time.
At least I told her I was pretty bummed about it. I mean, I'll get over it, but still bummed nontheless. The good thing about getting out and meeting people and making friends though is that I at least can send out an e-mail to the rugby team and I'm sure that someone will want it, if not I've got other friends I could call, although one of them is already coming with me. Anyway, I'm not going to let it ruin my night, I'll still have a kick ass Friday night, and maybe it'll be a good thing since I think that we've been spending a little too much time together anyway.
And she didn't bail for Saturday night. For some reason she hates proms and dances and such, but this is really just like one of our drink-ups, just dressed up. Maybe I should tell her about my prom experiences from high school. Let's see, my junior prom my girlfriend wouldn't go with me for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was we'd be the only lesbian couple there, so I ended up going with a group of friends, and yes, I was the only one without a date. It wasn't too bad, found a couple other single girls and made the best of it. My senior prom was a little different. By then I had been outed to the entire high school so now my girlfriend REALLY wouldn't go with me. I had no group of friends to go with because they all bailed once I got outed. I drove there by myself, walked in alone, and have no pictures of the evening at all. My sister's boyfriend bought me a corsage because he wanted to be nice, and it was nice. I spent the evening hanging near my little sister and her circle of friends and ended up going to an after party with them where one of the guys tried to feel me up in the back of his car. Not exactly the most memorable experience.
But then I got to college and started playing rugby. Rugby parties were always fun. Even our formals were fun. And no one cared that my date was a girl, even though I was the only one bringing a girl for a date. We all got dressed up, drunk, and danced the night away. I know that kc isn't really a big dancer, that's fine, she has watched me dance before. I just know that my experiences with rugby parties have been much more enjoyable and memorable than any high school prom I ever went to.
So hopefully she can have a good time and relax and enjoy it. She knows that us rugby girls are a crazy lot and the guys are even crazier. It will be a really fun evening. And since she hates these sort of things I'm really not going to get my hopes up for anything, although maybe she'll bring flowers since she did bial on me for Friday night. Anyway, not going to dwell on it. Just going to make the best of both nights and have a really good time.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
I'm there but not all there
I was woken up by my realtor this afternoon saying that the person who owned the place had countered, told me what it was, and asked if I was okay with it. Yeah, fine, just dandy. However, does no one pay attention when you tell them that you work the night shift? Of course I don't sound excited when you talk to me, I've just been woken up out of a deep sleep, how would you feel if I called you at 3am and wanted to talk?
Anyway, I signed the counter offer and I'm officially under contract on this place and plan on closing in 2 weeks. Is anyone else out there freaked out? Me too! It's exciting though and I'm really looking forward to having my own space. I think that kc is looking forward to it as well, especially because it will be closer to her house so I don't have to listen to her bitch about driving to mine all the time. Plus, we can do whatever we want and not have to worry about anyone walking in on us.
Not to mention that apparently gs is going to be sleeping on her couch starting in February when his girlfriend moves to California. He is going to eventually move out there with her, but not until late spring/early summer. That is a long fucking time. I'm definitely going to be wanting to spend more time at my house, I mean, 4 people living in that house? It's big enough but still, sometimes it seems crowded with just the 3 girls living there, throw in a guy to the mix and who knows what will happen. At least none of them will be sleeping together since all the girls are lesbians and he has a girlfriend.
So I'm doing pretty well mentally. Working out is helping as well, I'm so happy that sr and lg want to go work out at night during the week. I'm also really glad that they are motivated to go, so we kind of motivate each other which is key for me. I guess now the only thing that is on my mind with kc is that sa keeps talking about some trip to Hawaii this winter. But kc hasn't mentioned it to me at all, I guess they will be staying with her ex, and maybe that's why she hasn't told me. Or maybe it's just something they keep bantering about that won't actually happen since I think that if sa had any extra money for a plane ticket she'd be going to visit her girlfriend. Oh well, maybe I should talk to her about it the next time it comes up. It just doesn't seem worth it, although I guess it is since I can't seem to get it out of my head.
Whatever, I just want to concentrate on this weekend first. One thing at a time here. I'm also starting to feel a little anxious about the holidays approaching but if I don't think about it I'll be okay. This weekend is the most bitchin' skiing/snowboarding movie and we're going to see it Friday night. Then Saturday is rugby prom. I know that I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment in getting my hopes up that kc will do something even remotely romantic but I would like her to. I know that she's not the romantic type, but I am, and she knows this, and maybe she should ask her roommates for ideas or advice in that department. Again, not getting my fucking hopes up here, I just want to have a good time partying with the rugby girls and finally getting kc to hang out with them.
It's not that she doesn't want to, she just wants to give me my space to let loose and have fun with them. Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like her to join. They always ask about her, always invite her wherever we are going, and I like that, I like that they like her and they know I like her, so it's good.
So my head is getting better, my heart doesn't know what to do but at least it's not acting up and fucking with my head, and my life is definitely on the right track. Hopefully things fall into place and everything works out in the end.
Anyway, I signed the counter offer and I'm officially under contract on this place and plan on closing in 2 weeks. Is anyone else out there freaked out? Me too! It's exciting though and I'm really looking forward to having my own space. I think that kc is looking forward to it as well, especially because it will be closer to her house so I don't have to listen to her bitch about driving to mine all the time. Plus, we can do whatever we want and not have to worry about anyone walking in on us.
Not to mention that apparently gs is going to be sleeping on her couch starting in February when his girlfriend moves to California. He is going to eventually move out there with her, but not until late spring/early summer. That is a long fucking time. I'm definitely going to be wanting to spend more time at my house, I mean, 4 people living in that house? It's big enough but still, sometimes it seems crowded with just the 3 girls living there, throw in a guy to the mix and who knows what will happen. At least none of them will be sleeping together since all the girls are lesbians and he has a girlfriend.
So I'm doing pretty well mentally. Working out is helping as well, I'm so happy that sr and lg want to go work out at night during the week. I'm also really glad that they are motivated to go, so we kind of motivate each other which is key for me. I guess now the only thing that is on my mind with kc is that sa keeps talking about some trip to Hawaii this winter. But kc hasn't mentioned it to me at all, I guess they will be staying with her ex, and maybe that's why she hasn't told me. Or maybe it's just something they keep bantering about that won't actually happen since I think that if sa had any extra money for a plane ticket she'd be going to visit her girlfriend. Oh well, maybe I should talk to her about it the next time it comes up. It just doesn't seem worth it, although I guess it is since I can't seem to get it out of my head.
Whatever, I just want to concentrate on this weekend first. One thing at a time here. I'm also starting to feel a little anxious about the holidays approaching but if I don't think about it I'll be okay. This weekend is the most bitchin' skiing/snowboarding movie and we're going to see it Friday night. Then Saturday is rugby prom. I know that I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment in getting my hopes up that kc will do something even remotely romantic but I would like her to. I know that she's not the romantic type, but I am, and she knows this, and maybe she should ask her roommates for ideas or advice in that department. Again, not getting my fucking hopes up here, I just want to have a good time partying with the rugby girls and finally getting kc to hang out with them.
It's not that she doesn't want to, she just wants to give me my space to let loose and have fun with them. Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like her to join. They always ask about her, always invite her wherever we are going, and I like that, I like that they like her and they know I like her, so it's good.
So my head is getting better, my heart doesn't know what to do but at least it's not acting up and fucking with my head, and my life is definitely on the right track. Hopefully things fall into place and everything works out in the end.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Rough but okay
So this past weekend was kinda rough, but at least things are looking up for me. Went and looked at a few condos on Friday morning after work, kc came with me, and I found one that I really like. It is completely redone and I wouldn't have to do any work to it which is what I really wanted, and the price was totally right. I'll find out tomorrow if they accept my offer, hopefully I made it before anyone else did, because that would really fucking suck if someone else got that condo. I so need to move into my own space, at this point I'm not even worried about how I'll pay for everything once I'm back in school, I just really need space.
I need a place that I can go home to, that comforts me, that is comforting to me, that is my sacred place, that is mine, that will be there when I need to be alone. I need somewhere to unwind after a long day, somewhere that I can walk around naked in and not have to run from the shower to my room. I need a bedroom all to myself, that isn't an open space, I need a place where I can be alone with myself, or with kc, without having roommates around to see or hear. So it's exciting and I really hope that I get this place.
I also submitted my resume for another job, well, I had to talk to the lendor and I couldn't do that until today, so the resume will be submitted tomorrow. My old boss works for the company, it's another temp job, but hopefully maybe they'll want to hire me on directly. And then I could have a secure job with a steady paycheck. It won't be as high as my current paycheck, but with as much as I spend in gas and fixing my car, if I move into the condo the job would only be about a 10 minute drive away and that is wonderful.
And I did get a chance to talk to kc a little bit about what's going on in my head. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and I told her that I wasn't sure about how she felt about me since she was kind of cold to me the weekend before. She said it was because my other personality came out, the one she doesn't know and doesn't like. However, she told me that I'm the first girlfriend she's had that she hasn't broken up with after something like that happens. She said she isn't ready to let go of me yet. And that was reassuring. I told her it was just a phase, it would go away, it did before, just a momentary lapse of something. But she told me that she likes me and that whatever is going on in my head I shouldn't worry about us (yes, she said us). So that is a good sign and I'm glad that she hasn't completely bailed on me because I'm not ready to give her up either. So I just need to relax and be myself and things will be fine and I shouldn't get myself worked up over anything and I really need to work on talking and opening up about how I'm feeling.
Then I talked to my sister today. She is a bit of a lunatic. She is slowly and methodically moving herself toward having a big drinking problem and she doesn't see it coming. We all see it coming, it's like watching something in slow motion that you can't stop, and it's ugly and I just want to jump in and try and make her see what she's doing to herself. Well, for starters she called me crying because she found out she has HPV. Except she found out about 4 months ago and had surgery 2 months ago on her cervix to remove some lesions, and is just now getting around to telling me. Why wouldn't she tell me sooner? Why does she think that she can't trust me? Why, when I ask her that, does she bring up something from when I was 17, something that happened almost 12 years ago?
She needs to learn how to let go of the past, to not hold onto it and let it ruin her life, or keep letting it take her down the road she's on. No matter what kind of anything I say to her though, she doesn't see it as me trying to be helpful and make her feel better. And then when I try to insert any little tidbit about my life and what's going on in it she cuts me off insisting I'm not listening to her and hangs up. WTF?
I know I can't control her or change her, but I wish that she would listen to some of my advice, I wish that she would understand that it comes to her with love and a desire to see her be happy for once. I wish that she could ditch her sense of entitlement and materialism. I wish that she would realize that things won't give you long term happiness, only a short little high, and that she needs to feel happiness for herself and not from things.
So while I spent a better part of this weekend crying (well, at least 2.5 nights of it), I think that some things got worked out. Hopefully kc will find some kind of desire to have sex with me this weekend since she links her desire for sex with how she is feeling about me and whether she's feeling attracted or not by my personality. Hopefully that condo will be mine at the end of the month. Hopefully I get that job, I think I will. Hopefully I can get out of whatever funk is in my head right now and just open up and relax.
I need a place that I can go home to, that comforts me, that is comforting to me, that is my sacred place, that is mine, that will be there when I need to be alone. I need somewhere to unwind after a long day, somewhere that I can walk around naked in and not have to run from the shower to my room. I need a bedroom all to myself, that isn't an open space, I need a place where I can be alone with myself, or with kc, without having roommates around to see or hear. So it's exciting and I really hope that I get this place.
I also submitted my resume for another job, well, I had to talk to the lendor and I couldn't do that until today, so the resume will be submitted tomorrow. My old boss works for the company, it's another temp job, but hopefully maybe they'll want to hire me on directly. And then I could have a secure job with a steady paycheck. It won't be as high as my current paycheck, but with as much as I spend in gas and fixing my car, if I move into the condo the job would only be about a 10 minute drive away and that is wonderful.
And I did get a chance to talk to kc a little bit about what's going on in my head. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and I told her that I wasn't sure about how she felt about me since she was kind of cold to me the weekend before. She said it was because my other personality came out, the one she doesn't know and doesn't like. However, she told me that I'm the first girlfriend she's had that she hasn't broken up with after something like that happens. She said she isn't ready to let go of me yet. And that was reassuring. I told her it was just a phase, it would go away, it did before, just a momentary lapse of something. But she told me that she likes me and that whatever is going on in my head I shouldn't worry about us (yes, she said us). So that is a good sign and I'm glad that she hasn't completely bailed on me because I'm not ready to give her up either. So I just need to relax and be myself and things will be fine and I shouldn't get myself worked up over anything and I really need to work on talking and opening up about how I'm feeling.
Then I talked to my sister today. She is a bit of a lunatic. She is slowly and methodically moving herself toward having a big drinking problem and she doesn't see it coming. We all see it coming, it's like watching something in slow motion that you can't stop, and it's ugly and I just want to jump in and try and make her see what she's doing to herself. Well, for starters she called me crying because she found out she has HPV. Except she found out about 4 months ago and had surgery 2 months ago on her cervix to remove some lesions, and is just now getting around to telling me. Why wouldn't she tell me sooner? Why does she think that she can't trust me? Why, when I ask her that, does she bring up something from when I was 17, something that happened almost 12 years ago?
She needs to learn how to let go of the past, to not hold onto it and let it ruin her life, or keep letting it take her down the road she's on. No matter what kind of anything I say to her though, she doesn't see it as me trying to be helpful and make her feel better. And then when I try to insert any little tidbit about my life and what's going on in it she cuts me off insisting I'm not listening to her and hangs up. WTF?
I know I can't control her or change her, but I wish that she would listen to some of my advice, I wish that she would understand that it comes to her with love and a desire to see her be happy for once. I wish that she could ditch her sense of entitlement and materialism. I wish that she would realize that things won't give you long term happiness, only a short little high, and that she needs to feel happiness for herself and not from things.
So while I spent a better part of this weekend crying (well, at least 2.5 nights of it), I think that some things got worked out. Hopefully kc will find some kind of desire to have sex with me this weekend since she links her desire for sex with how she is feeling about me and whether she's feeling attracted or not by my personality. Hopefully that condo will be mine at the end of the month. Hopefully I get that job, I think I will. Hopefully I can get out of whatever funk is in my head right now and just open up and relax.
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